Driving Distractions

One of these days, the police are going to pull me over for driving erratically during peak hour traffic. They will suspect that I am driving while intoxicated, but he will be wrong. In fact, I will be driving being a HOT tea-pot.

I am often a HOT teapot while driving. This is because when my 24-month-old daughter is in the car, she demands to hear her favourite CD, ''Traditional Children's Songs From Hell.'' At least that's what I know it as. It's one of those CDs with those old songs that we are required by the Education Expert (Play school teacher)  to expose our children to, because they enhance the brain development of the child. 

Consider ''Old McDonald.'' It starts out fine: ''Old McDonald had a farm.'' But then it goes to ''E-I-E-I-O,'' as though the lyricist had a bunch of extra vowels he needed to use before the typewriter stops functioning with the vowels. Let me say, how hard it is for some person (not you) to come up with a rhyming word for farm.

Here are my alternatives:

1.     And Theresa bit of his left arm

2.     He had 6 sheep to keep him warm

3.     Since he had no money, there was NO harm

But ''Old McDonald'' is every Child’s ''Messiah'' compared with 'Here we go round the Mulberry bush,' a song apparently written by somebody with a severe case of attention deficit disorder, as we see by the highly informative first verse: ''Here we go round the Mulberry bush!

The Mulberry Bush

The Mulberry Bush

The Mulberry Bush

The Mulberry Bush

On a Cold and Frosty Morning.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS: 1. Is it a Mulberry Bush? 2. Where is it? I am forced to listen to these brain-enhancing songs constantly when I drive with her. I'm so used to hearing them that sometimes I'll be halfway to my office, the phrase gets stuck in your mind: ``The wheels on the bus go round and round! Round and round! Round and round!'' when suddenly it dawns on me: She is not in the car. I can play my own music, with intelligent lyrics! (Note: Tamil Film Songs are not far away from the above)

The biggest problem with children's educational songs is that many of them call for actions on the part of the listeners. Most daughters, are very strict, expects everybody to perform these actions along with them. So if we're listening to ''Johny Johny Yes Papa'' and she notices that I'm using my arms for some frivolous activity such as steering or honking, she will repeat, ''Daddy do it! Daddy do it!'' until I let go of the wheel and wave my hand for "Eating Sugar NO papa". I have been so much trained now-a-days that I have started steering with my stomach.

But the worst song, from a driving standpoint, is ''Where Is Thumbkin?'' This is the one where you sing about, and display one at a time, the various fingers on your hand: Thumbkin, Ring Man, Pointer, etc. As you can imagine, this can create misunderstandings in traffic when your fellow female motorists see you holding up Thumkin.

It’s for this purpose that I want someone to BAN these songs for the next 20 years so that I can drive in peace. In case you want my support I will willingly do it – “This is the way to CLAP your HANDS, CLAP your HANDS, CLAP your HANDS”.

Sales Down For Vijay Sethupathy's New Movie Due to SMS Reviews

Vijay Sethupathy’s latest film idharkuthane aasaipattai balakumara (Hereafter known as IAB) has recorded a steep fall in tickets sales at counters and booking websites as soon as rumors of it being an intelligent film started doing rounds on internet. The booking window of the film opened with huge response and was going at full swing until the tragedy struck.

It all began with an SMS that started doing rounds saying that IAB is Vijay Sethupathy’s first attempt at thought provoking cinema with a powerful script that touches your soul. The SMS spread like a wildfire and contents of it also got circulated on social media, resulting in reversal of fortunes for the movie.

The producers of IAB have termed it a conspiracy and a cheap attempt by some jealous people to damage Vijay Sethupathy’s growing image thereby affecting the outcome of the film.

“How can people even believe that this movie would make sense? Haven’t they seen the trailers of IAB and haven’t they heard how many lives the trailer alone has claimed so far? Or do they watch trailers also leaving their brains behind?” asked an angry distributor.

Apart from producers and distributors, Vijay Sethupathy fans are also unhappy.

“After NKPK, Pizza, and Soodhukuavum, I had got my brains surgically removed so that I can enjoy IAB like a normal cine viewer. Now I just don’t recall where I have kept it. How irresponsible and heartless of Vijay to disappoint his fans and come out with a smart film like this. Now how on earth am I supposed to enjoy it without brains,” said a fan who has switched over his allegiance to Siva Karthikeyan with the hope that he won’t disappoint.

Meanwhile Vijay Sethupathy is trying to pacify his fans and asking them to not believe in rumors of IAB being a wonderfully scripted film and assured them of it being even shittier than all his previous films clubbed together.

“Moolai ellam vendaam, summa enjoy pannu idharkuthane aasaipattai balakumara,” the actor reassured his fans.

To make sure the damage is minimum, Vijay Sethupathy has requested SUN TV’s Top Ten Movies to watch IAB and review it and give it as poor rating as they can. As per sources, the producers have promised to take care of all medical expenses that would be required for the reviewer’s treatment thereafter.

He has further requested another critic magazine Anadha Vikatan to strictly stay away from reviewing this film lest they do some more damage by giving it a 4 stars rating.

Sania Mirza To Skip Second Rounds in All Tournaments

Veteran tennis star Sania Mirza has announced her skipping from Second round of any Grand slam. The decision was taken after she had an abysmal performance on the second round in Wimbledon this year as always, and not so great first round either at US Open 2013.

“The only time she wins beyond second round is when she plays with her dog,” said Rajesh Chander, a frustrated fan who also witnessed double faults by Sania on many important points.

Talking about the new rules of skipping, a senior AITA official said that it was aimed to provide flexibility to the players. He was confident that WTA will agree to the new rules as Chennai Open was just a few weeks away.

“This is a wonderful concept. We wish we had framed such rules earlier. Sania could have happily retired from the draw where World no.1-10 were operating and could have continued playing for singles tournaments and winning most of them” he wondered.

For a moment as emotional as this, Sania Mirza stayed composed throughout the press conference. Addressing the media, she, commonly known as Indian Tennis Diva, said, “I have informed the Selection Committee and the Tournament organisers. Ideally, I would have liked to play only the finals but that would mean putting too much pressure on other youngsters/players to handle.”

She praised the young talent pool of players that India was bestowed with, then deliberately mentioned Leander Peas and chuckled. Asked to name one promising grass court player, she struggled before he finally gave up and answered, “Milkha Singh?”

Indian tennis Fed cup team captain Enrico Piperno was also present during the conference. Piperno said that Sania was going through a recovery phase after lifting he arms repeatedly during her second serves. Piperno, however, acknowledged that the skipping decision was a great loss to the tournaments and Nach Baliye.

“For a tennis star, the ability to not win beyond the second round even on Indian courts is a skill in itself and Sania has done it consistently over the years,” he further added.

Speaking to SomeTV News, Leander Peas, the alleged mentor for Sania refused to comment on his role behind Sania’s decision. “I have done nothing!” were the exact words he said without even the slightest change of expression.

While tennis stars all over the world have expressed shock over Sania’s decision, Sania said that next she would retire from Singles permanently and continue playing as a doubles specialist. As our reporter noticed, Leander Paas’s expression still remained unchanged.

As I write, Ishanth Sharma has retired from bowling in death overs and Sehwag has announced retirement from opening the innings in the first power play.

In a bizarre coincidence, the progress report on UPA government’s completion of nine years in office and the Indian team’s performance in Fed Cup are identical and no one would be able to spot any differences with these 2 reports.
 
This news has got Arnab Goswamy irritated in his channel documentary “Frankly Shouting”. He demands "The nation needs to know" why.

CBI Orders Hugh Quantity Of “Post-It” Notes

In what is described as a “crucial” development towards upgrading the CBI’s intelligence arm, the director paid a visit to LandMark bookshop and bought substantial quantities of yellow post-it message pads.

The agency, which has never had access to such messaging before, believes that the introduction of these pads will dramatically improve the relaying of important messages across the organisation and also improves the in-field officers communication back to the department centres.

The director while speaking at the press conference today in Delhi said that this purchase will also help the sharing of the information to many premier news channels in an easy manner. It was learnt that the agency had to deploy 3-4 data operators mainly to SMS important messages to political parties and new agencies. Now with this purchase, it  has eased the agency by downsizing these data operators and some field officers for non-performance issues.

The director also expressed a reaction similar to “intrigued” when he said that he had seen a device which can record voice and store them and later transfer it directly into the computer as MP3 data file. Also it came with free USB Web-cam. The director is currently writing a letter to the PM for granting permission to procure this device for the agencies betterment.

While the director is pronouncing the trip to LandMark as a success story, many whistle-blowers revealed that they had urged the agency to invest in these USB devices as early as in 2003. One of the agency field officer quotes (in anonymity) “I then tried to write a memo about this stick pads, but there were no pens or paper around in the office. They were all locked up in the cup-board of the divisional head’s room.”

Now after this report the opposition is demanding an internal CBI enquiry into the missing pens and paper from the divisional officer’s cupboard. While this is not so serious complaint, the aam admi is surely to believe this since the PMO has reported that it has lost important files regarding the coal allocation.

Top 1% Wealthiest Indians Praise P.Chidambaram’s Economic Policy

Congress President Sonia Gandhi’s recent dream project – “The Wiping out of India’s treasury” was recently tabled in the parliament which is working only 47 minutes per week thanks to all the adjournments. This recent economic policy of taxing imported LED TVs has been slammed by the top 1% healthiest community in India as “The DLF maximum group”.

“When we first heard about this policy, we were all in a shock. It is really too bad to be true” said Mr.Anil Ambani (current spokesperson for this group). “But when the butler read the whole bill to us during the cocktail party, we were all stunned and shell shocked.” 

The thirteen-nine plus aristocrats who form the core group plus the ministers were all attending the annual meet at Leela place, Delhi when this news started to trickle in. Mr. Mukush Ambani and Kapil Sibil were also present when the news came in. Many of the group members have a feeling that this measure which would bring great displeasure to the elite group.

Mr. Anil Ambani quoted “I like to request Sonaiji to reconsider this landmark measure. Imagine the current situation where it is very tough for people like me to make my ends meet with this current inflation and legislations and with increased taxes.” Many of the group members expressed their anguish since they cannot maintain their dozen European villas, stable after stable filled with Arabian horses, the fleet of private jets and Swiss bank accounts all in one with the current dividends from their share holdings.

Mr.Kapil Sibil has also indicated that there would be more tax increases so that the wealthy group may start coughing up more money and thereby improve the current CDA situation. However, the Reliance group head differed from the indication saying that the wealthy group have become wealthy only by not spending during crisis situation and fleecing the end customers at required times.

As far as the Aam Admi is concerned, they are expecting more taxes on onions, breathing air, sleep. So let us all be prepared for 2014 by trying not to vote for anyone who has a bank balance of Rs.5,00,00,000 and wants to tax even toilet flushes.

A Familiar Voice to Sleep For Ever : RJ Shastri

In a shocking press meet announcement today legendary pathetic cricketer RJ Shastri decided to quit Commentary and decides to start playing golf. If Navjoth Sidhu had his book of idioms and phrases, then RJ shastri had his own “Cliches”. In an illustrious and boring career spanning 20 years, shastri has spoilt a lot of gripping cricket matches with his monotonous monotone voice and repeated clichés.

The entire cricketing world is reeling under a state of shock due to this sudden turn of events. The ICC is currently convening an emergency meeting to address the void created by Shastri. There are many in the race currently such as Rameez Raja, Murali Kartik, L.Sivaramakrishnan who are quiet capable and have enough vocabulary to match Shastri.

Many fans of ESPN and STAR cricket are currently yet to get over the shocking announcement and they are quiet bewildered. The fans have always just tuned into the match to mainly MUTE shastri’s comments and they love his presentation party speech. The city of Bangalore has decided to host an evening of FREE beer to everyone who comes out of the house just to show their solidarity and faith in Shastri’s decision.

Shastri whose commentating career spans over 22 years which is equivalence of 88 years of boredom in the commentary media has some famous clichés which have been used to the maximum. Sunil Gavaskar who was the first to react upon hearing the news is now pondering on when he will decide to bite the bullet.

Shastri’s best friend Sidhu, Naser Hussia has all expressed grief over this decision and wish him the very best for his future endeavour. BCCI president N.Srinivasa has quoted “There has been no greater servant of BCCI…I mean Indian cricket, than Ravi Shastri. His self-endorsed, honest and unbiased opinions will be missed. To help him, we have decided to start an academy for commentating”.

As far as the fans are concerned, they shall be waiting for the next drone in the commentary box and until then they will always remember his clichés – “Make no mistake about it, this stage of the game is nicely poised.”

A Rare Video Footage Revealed, Means Vijaykanth is Alive

In a rare video footage which has currently, become viral on the internet of actor Vijaykanth has suddenly thrown the Tamil cinema fanatics into a horror spin, since it makes us believe that Vijaykanth is active and wanting to do more movies.

The rare video footage is a self-shot interview in which he is seeing trying to promote his film with daring one-liners about the Tamil Nadu government. With the actor virtually disappeared from the film scene since 2002 after his mega-hit movie “Ramana”, this video leads many to believe that he is alive and contemplating on a comeback movie.

The intelligence agencies are currently working overtime to verify the authenticity of the video footage. They are closely monitoring every frame of the video to ascertain if the person who is answering the interview is actually Mr.Vijaykanth. The agencies are withholding the final verdict until further conclusive evidence is reached.

Sources close to the agencies have quoted that it is very difficult to analyse if the person is Vijaykanth or a wooden puppet placed there. One of the agencies spokesperson replied “We think it is Mr. Vijaykanth when looking at the features of the person but we also think that it may be a wooden puppet.” The main problem is that the wooden puppet is actually more animated than the person.

The film society fraternity is also comparing the video footage of “Ramana” and the interview footage and they fear the worst. One of the investigators told newspersons “In fact, we have looked into the tape and the movie and now are contemplating whether the wooden puppet was actually one of the cast in the movie Ramana.”

So as a responsible citizen, I am warning you that Vijaykanth may be active and thinking about another venture in 2019. Beware folks; we already had “Thalaiva” maybe “Puratchi Thalaiva” is around the corner.

Man,37, Sees Thalaivai and Comes Out Smiling

A man from Erode had come down to Bangalore for some work and incidentally wanted to spend some of his free time. He intended to see a comedy movie and went to watch “Sonnalum Puriyadhu” but unknowingly bought tickets to Vijay’s Thailava. Not to be disappointed he went on to watch the film till its conclusion with the same intent as he began watching the title credits (Yuks), sources close to the man revealed today.

Incidentally, Times Now was the first channel to uncover the breaking news that Mr.Kannan, 37, hailing from Erode was the first and only man to sit through the complete movie in the entire state of Tamil Nadu. The chief minister is contemplating of rewarding this person for his pursued ambition to contribute to this movie fraternity.

Friends close to Mr.Kannan seem to reveal that he was actually a mild-mannered sales rep who hardly had any social interactions till now with the outside world. His main aim of going to Bangalore was to enjoy a movie this Saturday in which lots of things blowing up as a main plot. [My suggestion would have been “Chennai Express” for the same result]

Mrs.Kannan is currently having her husband examined with the local doctors for any symptoms of depression or dementia. The doctors at Erode government hospital are not willing to divulge the first results of the examination, but seem to express confidence that nothing would happen to Mr.Kannan.

“There is only one famous case of a man wandering into ‘CID Shankar’ in 1970” the medical association president stated “but had no lasting medical damage on him. In fact the man went on to become a successful screen writer for tamil TV mega serials”. Another doctor said “In the worst case, he may be inducted into any TV channel as a comedian anchor for reality shows”.

As of now, Mr.Kannan is not willing to express any of his views either to newspapers or TV channels, so we are assuming that he wants to commit suicide with a note “It’s all because of you THALAIVA”.

Govt. Issues The List of 5001 Bad Things That May Happen Someday Somewhere

Stung by recent criticism on the number of terrorist attacks on the Indian soil, the Government has finally decided to act on its part. The central government today released an alphabetically sort list of “5001 Bad things” that may happen somewhere in the 26 states (no wait 27 states or it is 32? The government is still confused) on someday tomorrow, next month, next year or this Christmas holidays whichever comes earlier.

 This book is the scariest document after the government’s reply in the 2G scam. It has so called accurate list of probable events that may happen with expert comments by the former CBI director. This book is also planned for release in DVD and audio book format.

The DVD has expert’s comments and audio commentary delivered by the union finance minister and the current law minister. The uncut data is available in special edition which needs to be booked from Flipkart.com. The uncut scenes are exclusive coverage of how the investigating agency field reporters get permission to prepare the content from the proxy-prime minister.

According to the grey market sources, the DVD has already been copied and uploaded on torrent sites. The CB-CID division of vigilance is actively looking into this matter, and they fear that this leak must have been from one of the LeT sleeper cells. [Source: Vijay’s Thuppaki movie]

Some of the probable events include bombing in crowded areas across Mumbai by the LeT, infiltration across the LoC, flash floods in the upper Ganges region. The government is also concerned that these events may occur even as you read and hence have beefed up security measures to all parliamentarians.

One cannot imagine a working parliament without these 540 elected despots, without them India would actually work and progress. The army is also put on high alert since they have not had any actual field work since Kargil.

Some of the majors feel that some events may happen according to the books and they are terrified. One such reported event in the book is Adharsh housing society will go physically missing just as the files went last year, so army needs to be alert.

Well, I cannot wait to lay my hands on this book, so I am off to [I can’t type blacklisted Torrent sites here] site for downloading – Hence signing off now.

Measurement That We Need To Remember Today

There have been long periods of time in our younger years where we have spent 3X times trying to remember those measurements and figures in Mathematics. I still can vividly remember those conversion tables for land, let me recollect: 10 hectares would be equal to 1,00,000 square meters if I am correct.

In fact I am correct (thanks to my dependable source: Google). Now these terminologies do not make sense to anyone in today’s term. Since in today’s evaluation 10 hectares would automatically calculate you into the Billionaires club and probably if you are lucky would also have a few cases of land grabbing against you.

So in order to make the present day generations to be happy, I am not going to go over all those conversions which are accessible to all children, including those babies which are born with a Silver iPhone. I am going to list some of the important measurement in our day-to-day life currently which is not captured in any CSBE/ICSG/Matriculation syllabus.

Before even starting, there are many funny measurements already in our system, take for example: Helen (Guys, I am referring to Helen to Troy here) is the measure of beauty, MegaFonzie is the unit for measuring the coolness of an object, Thaum: the atomic unit for measuring magic (Thanks to Terry Pratchett for this one), Warhol the unit of FAME or HYPE and finally for the latest example Wheaton: the unit for measuring the number of twitter followers relative to a celebrity… et all … ETC

I know these are of no use to an ordinary person (I am directly referring to you readers), so let me try and list a few that are really needed by you to measure on a daily basis.

SCAMPER: This is a unit to measure the amount of money siphoned from the public domain to a private account – in Congress terms BAU (Business As Usual) or in Media terms a SCAM. Currently Congress has 1.3 Mega Scampers per week and going strong by the hour.

BROKEN ARROW: This is a unit to measure the number of failed attempts by an investigating agency to nail a politician in a blatant violation such as Money laundering, Day light killings, disproportionate wealth et all (Have to stop here, the list is too big). The current topper for India is CBI with 9.8 Broken Arrows closely followed by 7CAG with 7.1 and at the bottom of the table is the “Jan Lokayuktha” with 1.414 broken arrows.

BLUBBER: This is a unit mainly for women or the soap opera watchers. This is the unit to measure the amount of tears that flow in 24 minutes. The current record is 3.2 litres per 24 minutes which comes from watching either “Chellame” or “Thendral”.

DIMPLE: The unit to measure the distance between the screen and the person when Jennifer Lopez is beamed on the screen. The maximum number usually comes with the college students. The person who has the minimum distance is evaluated very year and given a prized title of “The DIMPLETON”. This record changes very fast and is current at 23 nanometres, soon would be broken as you are reading this line.

BLAH: The unit to measure the exact amount of nonsense that a person can deliver per minute. Of course to measure it one needs great amount of patients and a good roll of cotton balls. The greater the value of this measurement would lead you to be titled “The SHAH of BLAH”.

WHINES: This little measurement is found mostly with husbands who display this activity daily in their office on issues which occurred yesterday in their personal life. Usually a normal whining person would display 36 whines per hour. The more henpecked the guy, the lower the whine value. Also the guy with lower whine value has inversely proportional blah values for their partners. The way nature maintains the entropy.

COUCH: This unit of measurement is predominantly used for the retired population and other obese persons who show no tendency to disturb their inertia. This measurement mainly focuses on the gambit of subject topics in which the person claims to be an expert and delivers expert comments. So the higher the scope, higher the value obtained. Usually a person would earn one couch for every 10 topics that you claim expertise.

DRONE: This measures the amount of modulation that a person makes while delivering live commentary of any sporting event. The higher the value, lower the percentage of listeners you get. You earn one DRONE for every 3 TVs in mute during the live broadcast. The current leaders in this category are shared between RJ.Shashtri and Rameez Raja (Tied at 99 Drones).

EBULLIENT: The measure of the time period between the ending of one game and the start of the next for example Angry Birds or Temple Run. The unit of this measurement is usually in milliseconds and the current generation of young kids are tough to beat.

CACOPHONY: This measures the variation in the pitch of the voice between the expected and the delivered. So the variation is exponentially proportional to the discord. This measurement is highly used for all the reality singing shows on TV, especially found in the judges’ panel. Malgudi Subha holds the current record at 7.8 units

MELEE: This unit is measured on the amount of fights/disputes that arise in a day between the siblings in a house. The fights may range from sharing the pillow to killing each other with knives (whichever occurs first). Usually we earn 1 mille-Melee if we can start 10 fights within 30 minutes time frame.

DUNG: Is the amount of contamination that a person can litter within one square feet of space. Till today 2.54 Kgs of dirt per square feet equals 1 HectaDungs and 10 HectaDungs equals 1 Dung. Government agencies believe that Bangalore tops the chart with Chennai (aided by Coovum) is close by. Usually there is no use in measuring this matter since at this concentrated level of dirt; there is no way any habitat possible near this place.

GLUTTON: This unit measure the capacity of the stomach’s intake within a stipulated time frame. You are evaluated at 1 Glutton if you can consume 3.142 jumbo meals within 42 minutes time span. One obvious observation is that higher the glutton value, thinner is your purse and heavier is the risk of “Death before the next Lunch”.