Measurement That We Need To Remember Today

There have been long periods of time in our younger years where we have spent 3X times trying to remember those measurements and figures in Mathematics. I still can vividly remember those conversion tables for land, let me recollect: 10 hectares would be equal to 1,00,000 square meters if I am correct.

In fact I am correct (thanks to my dependable source: Google). Now these terminologies do not make sense to anyone in today’s term. Since in today’s evaluation 10 hectares would automatically calculate you into the Billionaires club and probably if you are lucky would also have a few cases of land grabbing against you.

So in order to make the present day generations to be happy, I am not going to go over all those conversions which are accessible to all children, including those babies which are born with a Silver iPhone. I am going to list some of the important measurement in our day-to-day life currently which is not captured in any CSBE/ICSG/Matriculation syllabus.

Before even starting, there are many funny measurements already in our system, take for example: Helen (Guys, I am referring to Helen to Troy here) is the measure of beauty, MegaFonzie is the unit for measuring the coolness of an object, Thaum: the atomic unit for measuring magic (Thanks to Terry Pratchett for this one), Warhol the unit of FAME or HYPE and finally for the latest example Wheaton: the unit for measuring the number of twitter followers relative to a celebrity… et all … ETC

I know these are of no use to an ordinary person (I am directly referring to you readers), so let me try and list a few that are really needed by you to measure on a daily basis.

SCAMPER: This is a unit to measure the amount of money siphoned from the public domain to a private account – in Congress terms BAU (Business As Usual) or in Media terms a SCAM. Currently Congress has 1.3 Mega Scampers per week and going strong by the hour.

BROKEN ARROW: This is a unit to measure the number of failed attempts by an investigating agency to nail a politician in a blatant violation such as Money laundering, Day light killings, disproportionate wealth et all (Have to stop here, the list is too big). The current topper for India is CBI with 9.8 Broken Arrows closely followed by 7CAG with 7.1 and at the bottom of the table is the “Jan Lokayuktha” with 1.414 broken arrows.

BLUBBER: This is a unit mainly for women or the soap opera watchers. This is the unit to measure the amount of tears that flow in 24 minutes. The current record is 3.2 litres per 24 minutes which comes from watching either “Chellame” or “Thendral”.

DIMPLE: The unit to measure the distance between the screen and the person when Jennifer Lopez is beamed on the screen. The maximum number usually comes with the college students. The person who has the minimum distance is evaluated very year and given a prized title of “The DIMPLETON”. This record changes very fast and is current at 23 nanometres, soon would be broken as you are reading this line.

BLAH: The unit to measure the exact amount of nonsense that a person can deliver per minute. Of course to measure it one needs great amount of patients and a good roll of cotton balls. The greater the value of this measurement would lead you to be titled “The SHAH of BLAH”.

WHINES: This little measurement is found mostly with husbands who display this activity daily in their office on issues which occurred yesterday in their personal life. Usually a normal whining person would display 36 whines per hour. The more henpecked the guy, the lower the whine value. Also the guy with lower whine value has inversely proportional blah values for their partners. The way nature maintains the entropy.

COUCH: This unit of measurement is predominantly used for the retired population and other obese persons who show no tendency to disturb their inertia. This measurement mainly focuses on the gambit of subject topics in which the person claims to be an expert and delivers expert comments. So the higher the scope, higher the value obtained. Usually a person would earn one couch for every 10 topics that you claim expertise.

DRONE: This measures the amount of modulation that a person makes while delivering live commentary of any sporting event. The higher the value, lower the percentage of listeners you get. You earn one DRONE for every 3 TVs in mute during the live broadcast. The current leaders in this category are shared between RJ.Shashtri and Rameez Raja (Tied at 99 Drones).

EBULLIENT: The measure of the time period between the ending of one game and the start of the next for example Angry Birds or Temple Run. The unit of this measurement is usually in milliseconds and the current generation of young kids are tough to beat.

CACOPHONY: This measures the variation in the pitch of the voice between the expected and the delivered. So the variation is exponentially proportional to the discord. This measurement is highly used for all the reality singing shows on TV, especially found in the judges’ panel. Malgudi Subha holds the current record at 7.8 units

MELEE: This unit is measured on the amount of fights/disputes that arise in a day between the siblings in a house. The fights may range from sharing the pillow to killing each other with knives (whichever occurs first). Usually we earn 1 mille-Melee if we can start 10 fights within 30 minutes time frame.

DUNG: Is the amount of contamination that a person can litter within one square feet of space. Till today 2.54 Kgs of dirt per square feet equals 1 HectaDungs and 10 HectaDungs equals 1 Dung. Government agencies believe that Bangalore tops the chart with Chennai (aided by Coovum) is close by. Usually there is no use in measuring this matter since at this concentrated level of dirt; there is no way any habitat possible near this place.

GLUTTON: This unit measure the capacity of the stomach’s intake within a stipulated time frame. You are evaluated at 1 Glutton if you can consume 3.142 jumbo meals within 42 minutes time span. One obvious observation is that higher the glutton value, thinner is your purse and heavier is the risk of “Death before the next Lunch”.