There are many people in this planet who perceive that air travel is really exciting and comfortable. I have my own theory which is that these people have cabbage installed in them for brains. Being in a work place which requires a lot of travel, I can say with at most certainty that air travel is not as glamorous as it looks.
You will be wondering (trust me you are) how do I make such sweeping statements. So to take on your case I shall try to place mine in front of you now. The first thing that irks me is the breakfast packet which contains (I am not making this up) exactly 3 peanuts, 1 biscuit and 30ml of orange juice which was prepared sometime during the Sermon on the Mount. How do you expect me to enjoy this self-proclaimed “Healthy Yummy & Heavy” snack? The only point which cools me down is it’s served with a smile by a young female college graduate.
The next thing which really works me up is the announcements made by the captain of the crew. He will usually give details regarding the flight route and the operation parameters which are of no use to any sane person traveling in the flight. I would like for my part to go up to the cockpit and tell him “Hey captain, I am currently having the peanuts and would like to have the biscuit when we reach 50,000 feet altitude”. I wonder what is the use of the captain explain all these details to us when ultimately the flight is delayed by 2 years and 8 weeks.
The one enjoyment for all travelers is the air-stewards showing us how to use the emergency equipments. The stewards will randomly swing their arms explaining us where the emergency exits are located in the flight. These gestures I am sure are well within the FAA compliance which requires the in-flight travelers to know approximately the area of exits. The other enjoyment is the in-flight magazines which feature many thought provoking topics like “Ceremonial head-chopping” by the Wachati tribes, dressing up your dog as a royal princess et all. The movies are much in the same lines as the in-flight magazines which are chosen based on the maximum number of viewers who vomited within 7 seconds after the opening scene.
I have a strong suspicion on those who developed the seating arrangement; they must be sadistic in nature. The main motive of the arrangement is to make sure that you never are relaxed. They somehow sneak on you to find your vital statistics and then place you next to someone who is 8 times your size. There must be some hidden clause by the FAA to the airlines to make sure that seating of passengers in the economy class should not be comfortable even for 5 minutes at a stretch. No wonder you will find the seats that are designed exactly to fit 2 single celled bacteria is allocated besides someone who is 90Kgs.
Even if one were to adjust with this seating arrangement there is an even more dangerous peril, lurking in the form of babies. The main duty of the babies is to veil out high pitched whines and loud shrilly crying that can shatter the window panes at the back of the plane. While all these noises are emanating from the baby, the parents show no intention to stop them. My guess is that they are all trained to sleep in noisy environment. In case the babies are not crying, all they do is to stand on the seat and start spitting in between the seats. Another guess is that parents to stop these babies from spitting would deliberately pinch the babies and bring them back to the crying mode. I hate to travel in flights that carry more than 2 babies at a time.
Tolerating all these are fine, but if you don’t want to look like an idiot you should carry a novel by John Grisham. It looks like there is some connection between the terminal booksellers and frequent air travelers to make others feel lower while reading a non-John Grisham book. I carry a John Grisham book just to avoid those useless conversations that happen with your co-traveler. It is a neat trick to cut the conversation by opening the novel at some random page, read 4 pages and then doze off.
Speaking about conversation, it has been found statistically that at any instance during the flight there are 2 passengers who talk so loudly about useless things. (Source: My wife). I may give a sample of that here.
Traveler1: Do you know that my son has just bought a dog?
Traveler2: My sister-in-law behaves just like a dog.
Traveler1: Our next door nieghbour’s in-laws just burnt their house
Traveler2: My Uncle is planning to burn his in-laws
Traveler1: I like Uncle Joe’s Pizza
Traveler2: Stewardess – I need some Orange Juice
Traveler2: Do you know that my son just had pizza for lunch?
Traveler1: My sister-in-law always likes pizza.
Traveler2: Our next door … B-A-N-G
I would like to shoot these people who carry on conversations just to make sure they while-away their time and also making sure others don’t enjoy their time too. Just for this reason I would love to carry some weapons in my hand luggage.
PS: Make sure that the GUN is loaded.
PPS: Don't worry about the security, there are really not competent to find it unless you declare it.
You will be wondering (trust me you are) how do I make such sweeping statements. So to take on your case I shall try to place mine in front of you now. The first thing that irks me is the breakfast packet which contains (I am not making this up) exactly 3 peanuts, 1 biscuit and 30ml of orange juice which was prepared sometime during the Sermon on the Mount. How do you expect me to enjoy this self-proclaimed “Healthy Yummy & Heavy” snack? The only point which cools me down is it’s served with a smile by a young female college graduate.
The next thing which really works me up is the announcements made by the captain of the crew. He will usually give details regarding the flight route and the operation parameters which are of no use to any sane person traveling in the flight. I would like for my part to go up to the cockpit and tell him “Hey captain, I am currently having the peanuts and would like to have the biscuit when we reach 50,000 feet altitude”. I wonder what is the use of the captain explain all these details to us when ultimately the flight is delayed by 2 years and 8 weeks.
The one enjoyment for all travelers is the air-stewards showing us how to use the emergency equipments. The stewards will randomly swing their arms explaining us where the emergency exits are located in the flight. These gestures I am sure are well within the FAA compliance which requires the in-flight travelers to know approximately the area of exits. The other enjoyment is the in-flight magazines which feature many thought provoking topics like “Ceremonial head-chopping” by the Wachati tribes, dressing up your dog as a royal princess et all. The movies are much in the same lines as the in-flight magazines which are chosen based on the maximum number of viewers who vomited within 7 seconds after the opening scene.
I have a strong suspicion on those who developed the seating arrangement; they must be sadistic in nature. The main motive of the arrangement is to make sure that you never are relaxed. They somehow sneak on you to find your vital statistics and then place you next to someone who is 8 times your size. There must be some hidden clause by the FAA to the airlines to make sure that seating of passengers in the economy class should not be comfortable even for 5 minutes at a stretch. No wonder you will find the seats that are designed exactly to fit 2 single celled bacteria is allocated besides someone who is 90Kgs.
Even if one were to adjust with this seating arrangement there is an even more dangerous peril, lurking in the form of babies. The main duty of the babies is to veil out high pitched whines and loud shrilly crying that can shatter the window panes at the back of the plane. While all these noises are emanating from the baby, the parents show no intention to stop them. My guess is that they are all trained to sleep in noisy environment. In case the babies are not crying, all they do is to stand on the seat and start spitting in between the seats. Another guess is that parents to stop these babies from spitting would deliberately pinch the babies and bring them back to the crying mode. I hate to travel in flights that carry more than 2 babies at a time.
Tolerating all these are fine, but if you don’t want to look like an idiot you should carry a novel by John Grisham. It looks like there is some connection between the terminal booksellers and frequent air travelers to make others feel lower while reading a non-John Grisham book. I carry a John Grisham book just to avoid those useless conversations that happen with your co-traveler. It is a neat trick to cut the conversation by opening the novel at some random page, read 4 pages and then doze off.
Speaking about conversation, it has been found statistically that at any instance during the flight there are 2 passengers who talk so loudly about useless things. (Source: My wife). I may give a sample of that here.
Traveler1: Do you know that my son has just bought a dog?
Traveler2: My sister-in-law behaves just like a dog.
Traveler1: Our next door nieghbour’s in-laws just burnt their house
Traveler2: My Uncle is planning to burn his in-laws
Traveler1: I like Uncle Joe’s Pizza
Traveler2: Stewardess – I need some Orange Juice
Traveler2: Do you know that my son just had pizza for lunch?
Traveler1: My sister-in-law always likes pizza.
Traveler2: Our next door … B-A-N-G
I would like to shoot these people who carry on conversations just to make sure they while-away their time and also making sure others don’t enjoy their time too. Just for this reason I would love to carry some weapons in my hand luggage.
PS: Make sure that the GUN is loaded.
PPS: Don't worry about the security, there are really not competent to find it unless you declare it.
