10. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in an well-illuminated place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils and a 21" Color Monitor that supports 16 Million colours.
9. When you get back to your room after a short visit, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well- illuminated place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils and a 21" Color Monitor that supports 16 Million colours.
8. Read over the Project Proposal again and again to make absolutely certain that you cannot understand it.
7. Start to rearrange all your CDs/Photos and other unwanted things on your table into alphabetical order at the beginning of each day.
6. Making sure that you are Audible to the last guy in the Pantry when an official call comes and if it is a personal, then you are audible only if the other party enters into the Microphone of their receiver.
5. When signing official documents [Cheques/Leave Letters/Approval], you always think yourself to be the President of the United States of America or having lots of other important jobs pending
4. Again start arranging all your CDs/Photos and scraps on your table into Chronological order during the day.
3. Delete important Folders and then call your sub-ordinates to UNDO the action.
2. Check your MS-Outlook’s appointments/calendar at intervals of 5 minutes.
1. Check your e-mail every 5 seconds to make sure no one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.
Friday, February 9, 2007
What Kind Of A Husband Are You?
Are you a Hen-pecked or a Normal Wife controlling husband? To find out, take this scientific quiz:
1. Your house is on a tight deadline for re-arranging a big sofa set, but you've hit a snag on a key point (location of the sofa). You want to go one way; your wife disagrees. To break the deadlock, you:
a. Present your opinion, listen to the other side, then fashion a workable compromise of going with wife's way.
b. Punch your wife.
2. Your favorite dinner is about to be finished, but at the last second there are some uninvited guests who steal away the dish from you. You:
a. Remind yourself that it's just a palatable dish, and that there are far more important things in your life such as Sleep and Midnight Masala.
b. Punch your uninvited guest’s wife.
3. You are driving to a cinema theater and you are lost. Would you:
a. Stop and ask your wife for the correct directions and get punched by her for getting lost in the first place.
b. Punch your wife for getting lost.
Click http://www.hen-pecked.com/default.asp?name=yournamea to continue with this remaining test.
How to score:
If you have answered "b" for all the 3 questions, then you are a normal husband with lots of problems in your married life.
If for some reason you couldn’t answer either "a" or "b" since you felt that the correct answers were "Punch your neighbour’s wife" then you are a "MANASTHAN".
In case you answered "a" to all the questions, you are hereby confirmed by the Cuban Guerrilla movement and pronounced as a Henpecked Husband.
The researchers at Venezuela’s Forestry department discovered recently, by studying both Hen and Men that they are very similar when taking up a role of a Husband. The hens however are really smart in not buying IT stocks or lottery. The studies shows in more detail that when males are put under severe pressure such as to remove finger nail polishes, some respond by chopping the finger while the rest are prepared to take directions from the other party (in plain terms "surrender to the opponent") on how to remove them. This news has thrown many psychology communities into a wild party in a distant planet while on earth it’s the same since the eating the apple @ the garden of Eden.
When one takes a look at reasons why this happens, medical practitioners always point to the early days of the male’s life. This means that one has to take a look at the school days. A typical situation for Both Male and Female would look like:
Situation: On the edge of a cliff
Boy 1 : Hey, watch it where you going?
Boy 2 : NO, you watch where you going? (Louder voice and Heavier also)
Boy 1 : Oh, sorry it’s my fault.
Boy 2 : aha, that’s better (Still louder voice but with the same weight)
The same situation with a female:
Girl 1 : Hey, watch your fingernails, its going to break. (Louder voice and somewhat Heavier)
Girl 2 : Hey, you also watch your fingernails, its going to break while waving at me.
(The deliberately escape bumping into each other) and then
Girl 1 : Lets go shopping.
Girl 2 : Lets go shopping. (And they are off to a shopping spree)
It is these small incidents that make a male into a submissive human being while the females even when they turn 80 don’t loose their decision making ability (i.e. lets go shopping and spent our husbands salary which for some reason may only be Rs.15000). The medical community is now trying to take those nails from the female hens and see if they show some signs of submissiveness. If this were to come true, many families (98 out of 100) will truly be delighted and may also rejoice the situation with fireworks and sweets.
Another example could be the songs that each of the pair listens to. A normal husband may listen to "Rajadhi Raja" "Mannan" "Vetri Kodi kattu" while the henpecked husband may listen to "Pondati Pechu kedkanum" "Nee katru Naan Maram". Some of them prefer to stay neutral and listen to "Nee paadhi nan paadhi". These entire (small) incidences take an effect when you are into a relationship with a female. (Certainly not your neighbour’s female for some reason that baffles the scientists too)
Once inside a relationship, the male also has lot of peer pressure such as only you are involved in executing the 4 letter words such as WASH, COOK, EARN while the female takes words such as SLAPS, SLEEP, and RELAX. The males at all these times are put under severe pressure. When there is situation such as cutting of monthly allowance on dresses are on the cards, the female starts to shout and you keep quiet to calm the situation down. That’s good, but when again another situation like Iraq oil crises comes, again you keep quiet to keep the situation under control.
This is where the problem starts and the only situation for these types of problem is to wait for the medical researchers at University of Berkley, California comes up with a knife that could be used both on onions and your wife. Till such time, I guess you have to wait and pray and also pay a part of your income to the AT3H - "Association to Help Henpecked Husbands" who encourage the scientist to solve this problem at the earliest.
1. Your house is on a tight deadline for re-arranging a big sofa set, but you've hit a snag on a key point (location of the sofa). You want to go one way; your wife disagrees. To break the deadlock, you:
a. Present your opinion, listen to the other side, then fashion a workable compromise of going with wife's way.
b. Punch your wife.
2. Your favorite dinner is about to be finished, but at the last second there are some uninvited guests who steal away the dish from you. You:
a. Remind yourself that it's just a palatable dish, and that there are far more important things in your life such as Sleep and Midnight Masala.
b. Punch your uninvited guest’s wife.
3. You are driving to a cinema theater and you are lost. Would you:
a. Stop and ask your wife for the correct directions and get punched by her for getting lost in the first place.
b. Punch your wife for getting lost.
Click http://www.hen-pecked.com/default.asp?name=yournamea to continue with this remaining test.
How to score:
If you have answered "b" for all the 3 questions, then you are a normal husband with lots of problems in your married life.
If for some reason you couldn’t answer either "a" or "b" since you felt that the correct answers were "Punch your neighbour’s wife" then you are a "MANASTHAN".
In case you answered "a" to all the questions, you are hereby confirmed by the Cuban Guerrilla movement and pronounced as a Henpecked Husband.
The researchers at Venezuela’s Forestry department discovered recently, by studying both Hen and Men that they are very similar when taking up a role of a Husband. The hens however are really smart in not buying IT stocks or lottery. The studies shows in more detail that when males are put under severe pressure such as to remove finger nail polishes, some respond by chopping the finger while the rest are prepared to take directions from the other party (in plain terms "surrender to the opponent") on how to remove them. This news has thrown many psychology communities into a wild party in a distant planet while on earth it’s the same since the eating the apple @ the garden of Eden.
When one takes a look at reasons why this happens, medical practitioners always point to the early days of the male’s life. This means that one has to take a look at the school days. A typical situation for Both Male and Female would look like:
Situation: On the edge of a cliff
Boy 1 : Hey, watch it where you going?
Boy 2 : NO, you watch where you going? (Louder voice and Heavier also)
Boy 1 : Oh, sorry it’s my fault.
Boy 2 : aha, that’s better (Still louder voice but with the same weight)
The same situation with a female:
Girl 1 : Hey, watch your fingernails, its going to break. (Louder voice and somewhat Heavier)
Girl 2 : Hey, you also watch your fingernails, its going to break while waving at me.
(The deliberately escape bumping into each other) and then
Girl 1 : Lets go shopping.
Girl 2 : Lets go shopping. (And they are off to a shopping spree)
It is these small incidents that make a male into a submissive human being while the females even when they turn 80 don’t loose their decision making ability (i.e. lets go shopping and spent our husbands salary which for some reason may only be Rs.15000). The medical community is now trying to take those nails from the female hens and see if they show some signs of submissiveness. If this were to come true, many families (98 out of 100) will truly be delighted and may also rejoice the situation with fireworks and sweets.
Another example could be the songs that each of the pair listens to. A normal husband may listen to "Rajadhi Raja" "Mannan" "Vetri Kodi kattu" while the henpecked husband may listen to "Pondati Pechu kedkanum" "Nee katru Naan Maram". Some of them prefer to stay neutral and listen to "Nee paadhi nan paadhi". These entire (small) incidences take an effect when you are into a relationship with a female. (Certainly not your neighbour’s female for some reason that baffles the scientists too)
Once inside a relationship, the male also has lot of peer pressure such as only you are involved in executing the 4 letter words such as WASH, COOK, EARN while the female takes words such as SLAPS, SLEEP, and RELAX. The males at all these times are put under severe pressure. When there is situation such as cutting of monthly allowance on dresses are on the cards, the female starts to shout and you keep quiet to calm the situation down. That’s good, but when again another situation like Iraq oil crises comes, again you keep quiet to keep the situation under control.
This is where the problem starts and the only situation for these types of problem is to wait for the medical researchers at University of Berkley, California comes up with a knife that could be used both on onions and your wife. Till such time, I guess you have to wait and pray and also pay a part of your income to the AT3H - "Association to Help Henpecked Husbands" who encourage the scientist to solve this problem at the earliest.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
A Practical Guide To Buying A PC
Ever since man descended from the trees to a cave, the Computers have fascinated him. The earliest computer consumer were the Neolithic cave man who ordered a Pentium III but unfortunately the shipping industry had not been so advanced and it took them 25,000 years to ship the machine and another 4,500 years for the Mouse and Multimedia kit to arrive. By that time, the hardware industry had advanced so much that the computers became obsolete within 2 hours of buying them. Hence, the problem for a consumer when purchasing a PC has been long there in history and this has made me write a document which shall help them in achieving their GOAL - Buy a PC that will be outdated within 35 nanoseconds from the time of purchase.
This fact that consumers want to buy a PC has been seen from various incidences such as the Cockroaches in my house which are using Lap-Tops to identify their meals and identify sewage lines that are blocked so that they can build their colony. You wouldn’t believe it when the other day, a cockroach sent me an Instant Message using Yahoo Messenger saying "Hi Vasu! It's high time you change your Processor from x486 to Pentium IV". Of course I am not aware of the latest developments in this issue of how the cockroaches get these messages before I read it in the PC magazines. Anyway let me see where I can start first.
Everybody would have some kind of a budget that they would have fixed…is that right? Yeah! Then here is a sample conversation that is sure to happen when you try to find your budget …
YOU: "Sir, I suppose I can afford some thing in the tune of Rs.45,000/= and no more"
SALES PERSON: "Then Sir, I suppose I can look out for a system in the price range of Rs.50,000/= and onwards?"
YOU: "Sir, I said I can afford only Rs.45,000/= and no more"
SALES PERSON: "Right Sir, I shall accept Rs.50,000/= and onwards- Is it fine with you?"
One thing is far sure that these Salesmen don’t ever listen to you, so forget those figures as they will be out-dated within seconds just like in the Stock markets. So kindly use my formula for finding your budget.
1. Take your Annual salary and multiply it by 7. (Don’t ask me why 7, but seems to be a good number to me.)
2. Now add your Provident Fund, Pension for 12 years and the surplus income of Shahrukh khan from "kaun Banega Crorepathi-II"
3. Subtract 1000 * (Number of children) - Opssss!!! Sorry wrong formula, subtract just 200
This amount is exactly what you can afford at the present moment but unfortunately you may need three times more money to purchase a decent model. Hence, you need someone as computer literate like me to help you in reducing the unwanted costs in your machine. Many consumers are so attached to the TV that they forget all things about the real product and just go endorsing the models, forgetting the unwanted costs.
This brings me to an important part in this document, NO - not a commercial break you stupid, details about the various models that are available in the market. They are as follows:
Causal Consumer Model: This model includes all that you thought you needed for you to just see the Windows Start-Up picture. Of course, the items included in this model is just for basic needs and all other essential components such as a Key Board, Mouse, RAM, ROM etc are all called as Accessories.
Semi-Literate Consumer Model: Some of those classified as Accessories in the above option come into the basic and still you will not be able to move beyond the Windows Start-Up screen since there is no Space left in the RAM. This type of machines can be used for making AD films, on shop windows and at Police Control towers at Parliament house for vigilance against terrorist attacks.
Executive Model: This machine has all the software and hardware but shall execute only certain software such as MS-Excel, MS-Word and Screen Savers. For any other software not listed in the catalogue, the system shall throw an error "Call you sub-ordinate". For example, To develop a B2B portal with BizTalk and Java is your requirement the system shall suggest to you "Hire a Java Professional not from your company" or "Cut-n-Paste sample codes from www.amazon.com". This is ideally suited for software project manager and posts above them.
Practical Model: This has a wide range of options and a good usability for consumers with a configuration of Pentium IV, 1 GB DDR Ram, 80 GB Hard disk with internet connection installed but the only problem is that you won't be able to afford it. (I am saying this because you used my method of calculation) and if one was available in the price range, it shall be a piece that had been ordered in 1856 by someone in the East India Company.
When you enter the shop and see millions of combinations of the above 4 types, I know for sure that your head will spin. So to choose from these options you got to have information from some one who is well informed and reliable like ME. Ask why you may want to choose me? Here is the answer.
Enquire with any of the salesperson and he shall always say "Memory, Memory, Memory" as the most important criteria to look for. Why believe this statement, go and check with them in person. For example, ask him "Who is the Chief Justice of India?" and he shall answer "Memory, Memory, Memory". Which brings you to the decision that never take care too much of what the salesperson convey and rely on your natural instincts which may fail you more often than not.
So far so good, you have chosen ME against the salesperson (concluded since you are reading beyond this paragraph). Now I have to guide you as to what you look for in a system. In the computer world, there are 2 kinds of system and my guess is that you may need only one of them. To correctly identify the system and test it, here are some examples from the Master himself:
When your Keyboard is not showing the letter "E" when you type it
BAD WAY: Start using *#$#%&* words when it doesn’t work.
GOOD WAY: Replace the letter "E" with "Q". Even then if it doesn’t work, use the bad way.
When the mouse pointer doesn’t move when you move the mouse
BAD WAY: Try hitting it with a 10 Kg. iron hammer.
GOOD WAY: Replace the one with your neighbour.
When the Multimedia kit doesn’t work properly while playing a Britney Spears CD
BAD WAY: Try to sing the songs yourself.
GOOD WAY: Ask your neighbour to sing until the repairman comes to attend it.
Most of the salesperson advocates that the 64MB RAM is the real bottleneck in any system and the only solution is to increase it to 32GB by paying Rs.17,000 more. For a lay man (perfectly fits you) this is what you can infer, a MB means "Mainly Bad" and to make it work we have to shift to GB i.e. "Getting Better" and perhaps you have to wait for a technology like TB "The Best" and till then you are stuck with the MB/GB only.
Now that you know some overall know-about of the system, let’s move on with finding a system to your liking. Mostly it’s the salespersons job to take you for a ride but for a change I am doing it now. The salesperson normally takes you through 2,587 brochures and 1,284 catalogues in which none of the items look different to you; it looks like a catalogue of wines to choose from in a French restaraunt. This leads you to get fed up and start your own computerised search by closing your eyes and picking the model randomly.
No, that’s not the right way to do, so let’s perform a computer research. The computer search list is really very tough to understand since they use too many TLA. (TLA means Three Letter Acronyms). So, here are some of the important TLAs that you need to know before you enter the search domain.
WWW = World Wide Wait
WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
HTML = Highly Torturous & Monotonous Language
MODEM = Mostly Obscene & Derogatory Exchange Medium
GOOGLE = Good Only On Giant Like Enterprises
MSN = More Stupid Nuisances
Now, this is the penultimate step and you have to filter out the 12850934 search results on the computer-generated list that matches your criteria. Of course, you will have to consult someone for help. This is what shall happen in reality if you consult.
YOU: "Shall we take that system with Pentium IV with 40 GB hard disk?"
WIFE: "No that’s in a very contemporary style; I prefer that one with a Velvet Finish"
YOU: "No my dear, that’s the Computer Assistant"
WIFE: "Nevertheless he is far better than you, we shall take him"
SALES PERSON: "No Madame, He is already taken by that lady in the corner, I suggest you go for the premiere model".
YOU: "NO SIR, we shall still take that system with Pentium IV with 20 GB hard disk?"
After this discussion you would have narrowed down your choice to a few dozens and your rather small head shall be filled with all kinds of figures and shapes of different models. At this point even if your child were to ask you "Dad, what's the problem in Iraq right now?", you would answer "It's that stupid 32MB RAM that’s the problem sweetie pie". Such is the state your mind that you may need to look into the finer details before you select the system.
Finally I shall tell you (something technical at last) how to look at the finer details of a system and what to look and how to look more importantly. Let's start at the base of all the systems, the Hard Disk.
Hard Disk: This is the most important piece in any computer system since without it the system will work extremely well until you need to say your chat session window. In fact there is a German saying that "A dog without a tail is similar to a gullydesuchetewtieshaudiporshe without a municheswaederthsikeush". I used the German proverb since saying anything with some "sh", "w", "dth" in random order seems to make some big meanings to a dumb reader like you. The best way to choose this item is to just close your dog’s eyes and throw a bunch of disk and whatever the dog brings back is suitable. (NOTE: Be sure to have trained your dog to retrieving things thrown)
Processor: This is the most intelligent part in your system. Having told you that it's intelligent, it shall always wait for some important time and then show its true colours. Say for example, 10 seconds before your presentation to the CEO office or when you are making a Belated Birthday card for your wife it will conk out. That’s why you should always rely on your basic instincts and not on the manufacturers for creating a belated card. Anyway for the job which you propose to do, even an abacus would be sufficient.
Power Supply: This is a piece that every one shall know and is called as the FEUL for the system. So you have to know something about this item. Normally to test it, I recommend that you don’t use your wet hand for testing it but rather use your Dog's tail for more accurate results. Before testing be sure that the dog is vaccinated else don’t blame me for not warning you well before hand. Normally they use some name called VOLTS to check for it but they may also refer to another term named AMPS and also another term called WATT. Frankly speaking I think that all this jumbo jargons are just to keep the lay man from opening the cabinet and finding that it’s only a matter of few electrons. The electrons move producing VOLTS and there is a huge bag of electrons inside the unit. The electrons have a comfortable life since there are FANS, SINKS etc.
Now that you know something about computers I recommend to you to close this window and immediately fix an appointment with a salesperson and get going in your way to buy a computer before that model becomes obsolete.
PS: Careful, your wife is still looking at that computer assistant.
A Drive in Chennai Traffic
“No one realizes how beautiful it is to drive in traffic until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.” – Anonymous
To drive in any other city than in Chennai is great, because here you can drive only if you violate roughly around 186 rules in the driving handbook. This is how I go everyday to my office, which is roughly 20 KMS from my home. Sit back, relax and enjoy yourself on this roller coaster ride which I normally undertake.
To start with, there is only one main rule of driving in Chennai that operates on the fact that you are the best and leave the rest to the insurance company. This is due to the road condition, which is a clear example of Darwin’s theory – “Survival of the Fastest”.
The male protagonist of this story, my driver, goes in with a set algorithm. He usually starts in the left unless it’s occupied. In that case he tries to go to the right, unless that is also occupied. If both are occupied he goes for the center. Then he proceeds by occupying the next available slots in the road, as in a chess game. He does not believe in my back seat driving ability and firmly relies on his instincts and ascertains the direction and proceeds without any damage.
We would have traveled just 50 meters into the road when a pedestrian comes from nowhere. Blowing the horn is not a sign of protest in some courteous cities like New York but in Chennai it is used for almost all emotions such as expressing joy, resentment, frustration, romance, driving with your neighbour’s wife, no reason and finally to wade away a herd of buffalos in the middle of the road.
This pedestrian causes my car to slow down or rather come to a screeching halt. Speaking of which, there are 2 types of speed breakers you find once you hit the road. First of them is the innocent pedestrians, bi-cyclist, auto rickshaws and potholes. The second type are the man made speed breakers. Before I start about the first type, let me finish of with the man-made speed breakers. Providing a “speed breaker”, roughly 2 per house, has prevented rash and fast driving in residential areas. This mound incidentally not only slows down the automobiles speed, but also BREAKS most of the chassis of the vehicle. Perhaps that’s the reason for naming it a “Speed Breaker”.
The first type of breaker that you encounter in Chennai is the Auto rickshaw. The autos carry iron rods, gas cylinders, passengers or all of them. During rush hours (i.e. when I leave for office) we first meet the auto. The autos, after careful geometric calculations, are stuffed with school children carefully folded and loaded with some of them barely in contact with the vehicle. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage to the bag (I can’t say the same regarding the child). The auto drivers follow only one driving rules that were depicted in the film Ben Hur and have a license to irritate any other vehicle that comes in its way.
The bi-cycles are a less pain than the autos but do cause the same effect – jamming your brakes. Also after a while, people don’t expend their energy in swearing at these creatures that never care even to listen to them in the first place. The next vexation comes from the busses, which are an absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings causing the bus to defy laws of gravity but obey the laws of surface tension. The only rule that my driver follows is to stay three buses width away, which means I am well behind the moving traffic.
If this weren’t adventurous journey to you, then there are a few roads that I have to go. They are named as ONE-WAY streets, which for all-purpose is a fully functional Bi-Directional traffic. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at the same time. So choose the direction as you please. Hence, don’t take the meaning literally and follow the sign, you are better off by following the man before you.
Having finished talking about the major speed breakers, the next obstacle for speed is the Potholes. Roughly 80% of the cities in the world have roads, which have potholes. Here in Chennai it is better if you have a board saying “Caution: Road Ahead”. All that you have here are bits of road in between potholes. Drivers have to be really acumen in trying to avoid the roads and ride on the potholes.
The most deadly obstacle that you can ever meet in Chennai is the one named as “Lord of Death – Yama” or in common man’s term “Water Tankers”. It may the speed of the vehicle or the laden weight of it, but will surely crush a giant Brontosaurus on impact. The break system of these tankers work in direct proportionality to the size of the opposite vehicle, if you are driving a motorcycle then you can’t even think of the tanker decelerating at 25cms/minute with its course in line with your bike. These tanker drivers I presume have no use for their eyes. Perhaps they are getting trained personally by P.C.Sorcar (magician) to find out what is your license plate number blindfolded while driving.
If you are wondering why there is so much of chaos between 8-10AM and 5-7PM, then here is the answer. This is the only time that a police constable gets to go to their home or have Tiffin or Dinner. The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' and ‘FREEDOM OF SWEARING’ which is enshrined in our constitution to protect the rights of a mad driver.
Through this time I have managed to travel 10 KMS and consumed 45 minutes in my watch. This equation makes my driver a bit tensed and results in landmark judgments like if you can’t beat them join them. My driver shuts of his antennas thereby ignoring my comments about his driving and drives just like everyone else so that we reach the office with an ETA (Expected Time of Arrival) of 1 hour and has done it safely till today.(Source: I am alive and typing)
Having said all these, one thing still bewilders me is that HOW come we have a lesser accident rate and road accident related deaths in Chennai than in New York or San Francisco – Some things can’t be answered. Perhaps like the X-Files, the “Truth is OUT there”.
To drive in any other city than in Chennai is great, because here you can drive only if you violate roughly around 186 rules in the driving handbook. This is how I go everyday to my office, which is roughly 20 KMS from my home. Sit back, relax and enjoy yourself on this roller coaster ride which I normally undertake.
To start with, there is only one main rule of driving in Chennai that operates on the fact that you are the best and leave the rest to the insurance company. This is due to the road condition, which is a clear example of Darwin’s theory – “Survival of the Fastest”.
The male protagonist of this story, my driver, goes in with a set algorithm. He usually starts in the left unless it’s occupied. In that case he tries to go to the right, unless that is also occupied. If both are occupied he goes for the center. Then he proceeds by occupying the next available slots in the road, as in a chess game. He does not believe in my back seat driving ability and firmly relies on his instincts and ascertains the direction and proceeds without any damage.
We would have traveled just 50 meters into the road when a pedestrian comes from nowhere. Blowing the horn is not a sign of protest in some courteous cities like New York but in Chennai it is used for almost all emotions such as expressing joy, resentment, frustration, romance, driving with your neighbour’s wife, no reason and finally to wade away a herd of buffalos in the middle of the road.
This pedestrian causes my car to slow down or rather come to a screeching halt. Speaking of which, there are 2 types of speed breakers you find once you hit the road. First of them is the innocent pedestrians, bi-cyclist, auto rickshaws and potholes. The second type are the man made speed breakers. Before I start about the first type, let me finish of with the man-made speed breakers. Providing a “speed breaker”, roughly 2 per house, has prevented rash and fast driving in residential areas. This mound incidentally not only slows down the automobiles speed, but also BREAKS most of the chassis of the vehicle. Perhaps that’s the reason for naming it a “Speed Breaker”.
The first type of breaker that you encounter in Chennai is the Auto rickshaw. The autos carry iron rods, gas cylinders, passengers or all of them. During rush hours (i.e. when I leave for office) we first meet the auto. The autos, after careful geometric calculations, are stuffed with school children carefully folded and loaded with some of them barely in contact with the vehicle. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage to the bag (I can’t say the same regarding the child). The auto drivers follow only one driving rules that were depicted in the film Ben Hur and have a license to irritate any other vehicle that comes in its way.
The bi-cycles are a less pain than the autos but do cause the same effect – jamming your brakes. Also after a while, people don’t expend their energy in swearing at these creatures that never care even to listen to them in the first place. The next vexation comes from the busses, which are an absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings causing the bus to defy laws of gravity but obey the laws of surface tension. The only rule that my driver follows is to stay three buses width away, which means I am well behind the moving traffic.
If this weren’t adventurous journey to you, then there are a few roads that I have to go. They are named as ONE-WAY streets, which for all-purpose is a fully functional Bi-Directional traffic. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at the same time. So choose the direction as you please. Hence, don’t take the meaning literally and follow the sign, you are better off by following the man before you.
Having finished talking about the major speed breakers, the next obstacle for speed is the Potholes. Roughly 80% of the cities in the world have roads, which have potholes. Here in Chennai it is better if you have a board saying “Caution: Road Ahead”. All that you have here are bits of road in between potholes. Drivers have to be really acumen in trying to avoid the roads and ride on the potholes.
The most deadly obstacle that you can ever meet in Chennai is the one named as “Lord of Death – Yama” or in common man’s term “Water Tankers”. It may the speed of the vehicle or the laden weight of it, but will surely crush a giant Brontosaurus on impact. The break system of these tankers work in direct proportionality to the size of the opposite vehicle, if you are driving a motorcycle then you can’t even think of the tanker decelerating at 25cms/minute with its course in line with your bike. These tanker drivers I presume have no use for their eyes. Perhaps they are getting trained personally by P.C.Sorcar (magician) to find out what is your license plate number blindfolded while driving.
If you are wondering why there is so much of chaos between 8-10AM and 5-7PM, then here is the answer. This is the only time that a police constable gets to go to their home or have Tiffin or Dinner. The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' and ‘FREEDOM OF SWEARING’ which is enshrined in our constitution to protect the rights of a mad driver.
Through this time I have managed to travel 10 KMS and consumed 45 minutes in my watch. This equation makes my driver a bit tensed and results in landmark judgments like if you can’t beat them join them. My driver shuts of his antennas thereby ignoring my comments about his driving and drives just like everyone else so that we reach the office with an ETA (Expected Time of Arrival) of 1 hour and has done it safely till today.(Source: I am alive and typing)
Having said all these, one thing still bewilders me is that HOW come we have a lesser accident rate and road accident related deaths in Chennai than in New York or San Francisco – Some things can’t be answered. Perhaps like the X-Files, the “Truth is OUT there”.
Coffee Latte
“A cup of Filter Coffee is a Joy for ever” – an old south Indian jungle saying.
Just picture yourself on a morning with a “Kaapi” (traditional slang) it would look like a davara tumbler, an unnjal (Swing), an easy-chair, Sun TV and a “Sabash”. This is how a typical Sunday morning would begin if you were to tell me the word Coffee.
But lets stop dreaming here since the coffee of this kind has taken a complete turn around in the last few years in Madras (I prefer this name to Chennai for some reason). Gone are the davara-tumblers and in comes the Tetra packs. It’s pretty hard for me, who grew up thinking that the height of cool drink was the “Zing Thing” called Gold Spot, to see the number of joints which have mushroomed in order to satisfy the cappuccino urge.
Yeah, I am alluding to Cold Coffee and all the mocha variants which have sprung about in this city best known for its Filter Coffee. These joints are also dedicated to make your purse as slim as possible by the time you walk out. The pricing is such that in the days to come one can personally go to Columbia and get the coffee seeds roasted, brewed and served by smiling south American women and return back with a few bucks saved considering the option to ordering a mug of cold coffee at these joints within city limits.
Yet, you must all be knowing about this place – certainly if not now at least you will get to know from enquiring where your kids (Rich Dad’s Spoilt Brats) hangout. For them, this is a place which is so well designed for their age specific ambience and high-tech gizmo sound systems that are today transforming the home brewed filter “KAAPI” into a multi million dollar cappuccino industry. As of today the vogue is cold coffee.(Reliable source: My neighbour’s college going daughter) You would look like an oldie living in the 80s if you still prefer the HOT and STEAMY filter “Kaapi” served in ever-silver tumblers.
In a short while even in the most orthodox south Indian marriages they might be forced to serve Mocha and Java in cold fashion during betrothal and shall be termed as a little shift from the tradition. Changes are welcome though some of them at times are not as good as they look.
Anyway wake up guys; I can smell the brew of cold cappuccino and “Chai Tea Latte” – Time for a break from our sleep.
Just picture yourself on a morning with a “Kaapi” (traditional slang) it would look like a davara tumbler, an unnjal (Swing), an easy-chair, Sun TV and a “Sabash”. This is how a typical Sunday morning would begin if you were to tell me the word Coffee.
But lets stop dreaming here since the coffee of this kind has taken a complete turn around in the last few years in Madras (I prefer this name to Chennai for some reason). Gone are the davara-tumblers and in comes the Tetra packs. It’s pretty hard for me, who grew up thinking that the height of cool drink was the “Zing Thing” called Gold Spot, to see the number of joints which have mushroomed in order to satisfy the cappuccino urge.
Yeah, I am alluding to Cold Coffee and all the mocha variants which have sprung about in this city best known for its Filter Coffee. These joints are also dedicated to make your purse as slim as possible by the time you walk out. The pricing is such that in the days to come one can personally go to Columbia and get the coffee seeds roasted, brewed and served by smiling south American women and return back with a few bucks saved considering the option to ordering a mug of cold coffee at these joints within city limits.
Yet, you must all be knowing about this place – certainly if not now at least you will get to know from enquiring where your kids (Rich Dad’s Spoilt Brats) hangout. For them, this is a place which is so well designed for their age specific ambience and high-tech gizmo sound systems that are today transforming the home brewed filter “KAAPI” into a multi million dollar cappuccino industry. As of today the vogue is cold coffee.(Reliable source: My neighbour’s college going daughter) You would look like an oldie living in the 80s if you still prefer the HOT and STEAMY filter “Kaapi” served in ever-silver tumblers.
In a short while even in the most orthodox south Indian marriages they might be forced to serve Mocha and Java in cold fashion during betrothal and shall be termed as a little shift from the tradition. Changes are welcome though some of them at times are not as good as they look.
Anyway wake up guys; I can smell the brew of cold cappuccino and “Chai Tea Latte” – Time for a break from our sleep.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Reason for bankruptcy - a father of the bride's view
Each year, as we enter the wedding season, I go to the bookstore and pick up a bridal magazine for time passing. Then I crumple to the floor with lower-back spasms, because during wedding season, bridal magazines achieve roughly the same mass as the Rock of Gibraltar (Not the atomic mass - Stupid). They have hundreds of pages of advertisements and articles designed to help the bride go completely insane. Not only does it make her go insane, but also if dressed like what is printed in there, she would transform herself from Ugly to Hideous within moments.
She can't help it. Our modern South Indian weddings are more complex, in terms of logistics, than the invasion of Iraq. For one thing, the invasion of Iraq doesn’t require deciding on the guest favours. More than that, the procedures to first come up with a list of invited guest (uninvited marked with conditions that may apply), is discounted by the chiefs of Army in any invasion. If they ever started preparing the list, we wouldn’t even be done with the Battle of Pataliputra.
So for time being assume that we have a list. The second most logical thing that a man would do is … “YEAH” make more amendments to the list. Sorry, let us leave the list for the moment and go on to decide the gifts for the guest invitees. The bridal magazine holds lots of important news items for gift giving. Let me give you a sample from the March issue…
“Gone for the days of giving Coconut and Turmeric roots in a small plastic bag. The bride’s families today have so many options ... Choose unique flavour container -- tiny tins, clear plastic cones, little gossamer bags or Eco-friendly paper bags -- and fill them with lemon sized coconut. For those important guests, we could give each of them a silver frame ... or tie a stack of your favorite ladoos together with personalized ribbon, the ribbon shall also have carry small silver embroidery of the contractor’s name. The choices are truly endless”.
And YES they are truly endless! Which is why tonight, while you are snoring away to glory, some stressed-out bride-to-be family who had once hoped (The fool!!!) to put Coconut with Turmeric in a plastic bag, will be staring at their bedroom ceiling and asking themselves: “Tiny tins? Gossamer bags? Personalized ribbon? Should I maybe personalize the gossamer?” While the tiny tots in their house shall be looking at the ceiling and wondering “What the HELL is gossamer?” or “How do I spell G-o-s-s-a-m-e-r?”
So at dawn, the bride is still fighting to decide the guest favour and then gets on with the other 1,54,322 critical bridal decisions. A small glitch is that she has to make the decision all by herself since she stopped talking with her mother 23 weeks back due to a disagreement on the floral arrangement for the dais. As of now she has to decide on the Dress, hair-do, make-up, flower arrangement, shoes, photographs, videography, 3D special effects for the videography, invitations et all.
All this while I know for sure that you are wondering what the father of the bride’s role is. Well, to be frank and speaking statistically on behalf of 94% of the fathers I have to say, they are the worst hindrance to the function. If you let a father plan the wedding you may be having plain coconuts for gift giving and end up with a bill that can foot the entire fiscal deficit of Brazil which is 200% more that your present budget.
This doesn’t mean that the feminine gender is by any chance a superior planner. They may be able to save a few bucks on the gift giving but shall loose everything on the Bridal Makeup. The bridal makeup is one of the most important issues in a marriage, since in 98% of the time it involves the Bride (for some strange statistical reason I am unable to figure out where the missing 2% is as of now).
Every time a bride goes for a bridal makeup, which is 5 months in advance to the actual wedding day, she emerges out in public exactly timed 140 seconds before the start of the function. She is filled with an hairdo which is at least 23 foot tall on her head and comprises of
She can't help it. Our modern South Indian weddings are more complex, in terms of logistics, than the invasion of Iraq. For one thing, the invasion of Iraq doesn’t require deciding on the guest favours. More than that, the procedures to first come up with a list of invited guest (uninvited marked with conditions that may apply), is discounted by the chiefs of Army in any invasion. If they ever started preparing the list, we wouldn’t even be done with the Battle of Pataliputra.
So for time being assume that we have a list. The second most logical thing that a man would do is … “YEAH” make more amendments to the list. Sorry, let us leave the list for the moment and go on to decide the gifts for the guest invitees. The bridal magazine holds lots of important news items for gift giving. Let me give you a sample from the March issue…
“Gone for the days of giving Coconut and Turmeric roots in a small plastic bag. The bride’s families today have so many options ... Choose unique flavour container -- tiny tins, clear plastic cones, little gossamer bags or Eco-friendly paper bags -- and fill them with lemon sized coconut. For those important guests, we could give each of them a silver frame ... or tie a stack of your favorite ladoos together with personalized ribbon, the ribbon shall also have carry small silver embroidery of the contractor’s name. The choices are truly endless”.
And YES they are truly endless! Which is why tonight, while you are snoring away to glory, some stressed-out bride-to-be family who had once hoped (The fool!!!) to put Coconut with Turmeric in a plastic bag, will be staring at their bedroom ceiling and asking themselves: “Tiny tins? Gossamer bags? Personalized ribbon? Should I maybe personalize the gossamer?” While the tiny tots in their house shall be looking at the ceiling and wondering “What the HELL is gossamer?” or “How do I spell G-o-s-s-a-m-e-r?”
So at dawn, the bride is still fighting to decide the guest favour and then gets on with the other 1,54,322 critical bridal decisions. A small glitch is that she has to make the decision all by herself since she stopped talking with her mother 23 weeks back due to a disagreement on the floral arrangement for the dais. As of now she has to decide on the Dress, hair-do, make-up, flower arrangement, shoes, photographs, videography, 3D special effects for the videography, invitations et all.
All this while I know for sure that you are wondering what the father of the bride’s role is. Well, to be frank and speaking statistically on behalf of 94% of the fathers I have to say, they are the worst hindrance to the function. If you let a father plan the wedding you may be having plain coconuts for gift giving and end up with a bill that can foot the entire fiscal deficit of Brazil which is 200% more that your present budget.
This doesn’t mean that the feminine gender is by any chance a superior planner. They may be able to save a few bucks on the gift giving but shall loose everything on the Bridal Makeup. The bridal makeup is one of the most important issues in a marriage, since in 98% of the time it involves the Bride (for some strange statistical reason I am unable to figure out where the missing 2% is as of now).
Every time a bride goes for a bridal makeup, which is 5 months in advance to the actual wedding day, she emerges out in public exactly timed 140 seconds before the start of the function. She is filled with an hairdo which is at least 23 foot tall on her head and comprises of
1) Her own hair (20%)
2) a strong substance called as Hair Gel
3) 47 Tons of flowers
4) Two billion hair pins
In fact after the ceremony, production engineers from Ford would come and collect the steel pins that would be used to manufacture a Ford Icon.
The point after the hairdo is the saree selection. There are too many parameters in this selection criterion. In fact I am not making it up, it would be far easier for you to solve a triple integral of the volume of a sphere hung from a window of length ‘l’ and height ‘h’ than choose the saree for the reception. The reason I am not explaining this section in detail is because I am waiting for my father to return from the saree selection for my sister. They left sometime during the last decade and I am still to receive any communication from them. Perhaps they sent the updates via FedEx which may be on the way.
One must accept the fact that in deciding these critical issues, the date of the marriage would be fast approaching. Since the bride had to take all the decisions by herself, she would have been reduced to a size of a pinball. So to bring her back to normalcy we have to think of food. This brings the caterers into the picture.
There is an ascertained procedure for selecting a caterer. It is to follow what your neighbour did for their daughters wedding. What they did was:
1. Calculate the total Annual income of your family and multiply by 7.
2. Then add 23 to the total. This total is the actual cost of establishing a Wireless Telecommunication Industry … Oops Sorry wrong formula.
3. Just add the number of siblings for the Bride and multiply by 23,800.
4. This is the estimated cost towards food for the marriage.
There are some additional hidden costs involved in catering since the food industry is somehow linked with the telecomm industry. This is a latest vogue that the caterers are equipped with cell phones so that we can make 4,56,745 calls (from our phone) in trying to locate them and bargain on the potato prices and end up paying the cellular provider half their annual revenue. So the actual cost of the food is known only after the wedding is over when the cell phone bills arrive.
Somehow you manage to locate a caterer and he comes up with a list of 345 million dishes and expects you to select 671 items from then for the wedding reception. Since the bride is busy with her makeup as of now, the bride’s father takes the decision of these 671 items, which is instantly rejected by the mother. The reason for the mother to reject them is that since in the May issue of the bridal magazine said one shouldn’t serve Ice creams and a Fruit cake with vanilla frosting together(item#45 in the selected list). There are lots of such handy tips, which the mother has cut and kept aside in that bundle of useless junk weighing roughly the mass of Jupiter. So, the father of the bride allows the women to arrive at the perfect combination which may take 2 years.
The food has been taken care, now we have to resent to the fact that we still have roughly around 3,467 more critical issues before we look into the 14,567 minor issues. The next major issue is the dress materials for the kids. These are the small built brats having powers to bring down the twin-towers just by their shrill pitched shouting who create a major scene if we don’t involve them in choosing their costumes. From the fact that the children dresses are so costly, I presume the manufacturer like “Jini & Jonny”, “Weekender Kids” would have spent lots of eavesdropping hours on the houses which performs a wedding. Seen the tantrums that the kids make, they proportionally hike the prices of the dress when you go to get them. By all probability (Murphy’s Law also included) the size which you are looking will not be available. The only option for you is to wait till next March for the sale or pay a few million more and get the dress within the next 2 hours thereby saving the twin-towers from destruction.
The tangling doesn’t stop here, once the kids dress have been chosen they assemble at a place quiet convenient for them such as under the bed or the dogs kennel and plan their next action. The feminine gender kids all plans and decides that they all want the same hair-do and also eat exactly 45 milligrams of food per session during the marriage. The hairdo will never be something simple, but shall require 14 scientists and some amount of thorium and TNT. They make such big hairdo that sometime they start to interfere with the air traffic-control system.
You must be wondering what the male gender is doing, they are possibly the best of the lot. They are in the sofa with their legs spread and sleeping. In their sleep, all of them are planing to eat possibly 456 KG of sweets and then if time permits ogle at the female section of the crowd.
The final point that I am going to look now is the marriage hall. According to reliable sources (this includes everyone around my house including the next door dog ‘Debbie’) the selection of the marriage hall would take more than 457 weeks if planned correctly else will take the same time that it takes for NASA’s Pathfinder to Mars. By all scientific calculations (using my knowledge of trigonometry and algebra), Pathfinder may or may not reach MARS and hence let’s leave it alone for a while.
There are many criteria that come into picture on how to select a marriage hall. Some of the most important criteria are (obviously you stupid, the hall being present in your planet) the continent where you are likely to hold the marriage, the average number of unwanted and uninvited guest, the total seating capacity and finally the total number of bathrooms which are in useable condition. Let us do it one by one in brief – by which I mean it will be shorter than the abridged version of the “Sermon on the Mount”.
The location of the hall is quiet important and according to a survey done, more than 92% of the Asians prefer to have the hall located in Asia. This was the same result that came for those who were surveyed in USA where many thought that Asia was bordering Mexico. Having narrowed down to the continent, let’s move to the next point, which is the total seating capacity. On an average, people have liked to have big halls by which I mean big enough to house the whole population of mainland china. Bigger the hall bigger the renting charge but there is one consolation, you get to pay the mount in 7 easy installments of Rs.23 Lakhs each.
Finally, having seen that the hall is located in the same continent that you reside and able to hold a huge number of guests, we visit the bathroom facilities. This is also a main criterion since having to spend more than 78% of the wedding cost on the hall; you will not have enough funds for the caterers. This will lead to sub-standard food quality, which will lead to a herd of people rushing towards the bathroom after the meals.
Since the days of cave men, people have been rushing to bathrooms. This is evident from the cave drawings, which show animals in distorted form. The logical reasoning was that the cave lady prepared an undercooked beet root, which made the cave men’s stomach in trouble, which in turn caused the drawings come out like a special effect. Thus, we have to ascertain that more than 80% of the bathrooms are in a habitable state.
I know reading this document would have been a bore as much as it was for me to type but right now I have to run just like those cave man did while drawing and hence am putting a stop to this document. I may possibly continue in the 23 years time or when Angelina & Brad Pitt start acting, whichever occurs first.
The point after the hairdo is the saree selection. There are too many parameters in this selection criterion. In fact I am not making it up, it would be far easier for you to solve a triple integral of the volume of a sphere hung from a window of length ‘l’ and height ‘h’ than choose the saree for the reception. The reason I am not explaining this section in detail is because I am waiting for my father to return from the saree selection for my sister. They left sometime during the last decade and I am still to receive any communication from them. Perhaps they sent the updates via FedEx which may be on the way.
One must accept the fact that in deciding these critical issues, the date of the marriage would be fast approaching. Since the bride had to take all the decisions by herself, she would have been reduced to a size of a pinball. So to bring her back to normalcy we have to think of food. This brings the caterers into the picture.
There is an ascertained procedure for selecting a caterer. It is to follow what your neighbour did for their daughters wedding. What they did was:
1. Calculate the total Annual income of your family and multiply by 7.
2. Then add 23 to the total. This total is the actual cost of establishing a Wireless Telecommunication Industry … Oops Sorry wrong formula.
3. Just add the number of siblings for the Bride and multiply by 23,800.
4. This is the estimated cost towards food for the marriage.
There are some additional hidden costs involved in catering since the food industry is somehow linked with the telecomm industry. This is a latest vogue that the caterers are equipped with cell phones so that we can make 4,56,745 calls (from our phone) in trying to locate them and bargain on the potato prices and end up paying the cellular provider half their annual revenue. So the actual cost of the food is known only after the wedding is over when the cell phone bills arrive.
Somehow you manage to locate a caterer and he comes up with a list of 345 million dishes and expects you to select 671 items from then for the wedding reception. Since the bride is busy with her makeup as of now, the bride’s father takes the decision of these 671 items, which is instantly rejected by the mother. The reason for the mother to reject them is that since in the May issue of the bridal magazine said one shouldn’t serve Ice creams and a Fruit cake with vanilla frosting together(item#45 in the selected list). There are lots of such handy tips, which the mother has cut and kept aside in that bundle of useless junk weighing roughly the mass of Jupiter. So, the father of the bride allows the women to arrive at the perfect combination which may take 2 years.
The food has been taken care, now we have to resent to the fact that we still have roughly around 3,467 more critical issues before we look into the 14,567 minor issues. The next major issue is the dress materials for the kids. These are the small built brats having powers to bring down the twin-towers just by their shrill pitched shouting who create a major scene if we don’t involve them in choosing their costumes. From the fact that the children dresses are so costly, I presume the manufacturer like “Jini & Jonny”, “Weekender Kids” would have spent lots of eavesdropping hours on the houses which performs a wedding. Seen the tantrums that the kids make, they proportionally hike the prices of the dress when you go to get them. By all probability (Murphy’s Law also included) the size which you are looking will not be available. The only option for you is to wait till next March for the sale or pay a few million more and get the dress within the next 2 hours thereby saving the twin-towers from destruction.
The tangling doesn’t stop here, once the kids dress have been chosen they assemble at a place quiet convenient for them such as under the bed or the dogs kennel and plan their next action. The feminine gender kids all plans and decides that they all want the same hair-do and also eat exactly 45 milligrams of food per session during the marriage. The hairdo will never be something simple, but shall require 14 scientists and some amount of thorium and TNT. They make such big hairdo that sometime they start to interfere with the air traffic-control system.
You must be wondering what the male gender is doing, they are possibly the best of the lot. They are in the sofa with their legs spread and sleeping. In their sleep, all of them are planing to eat possibly 456 KG of sweets and then if time permits ogle at the female section of the crowd.
The final point that I am going to look now is the marriage hall. According to reliable sources (this includes everyone around my house including the next door dog ‘Debbie’) the selection of the marriage hall would take more than 457 weeks if planned correctly else will take the same time that it takes for NASA’s Pathfinder to Mars. By all scientific calculations (using my knowledge of trigonometry and algebra), Pathfinder may or may not reach MARS and hence let’s leave it alone for a while.
There are many criteria that come into picture on how to select a marriage hall. Some of the most important criteria are (obviously you stupid, the hall being present in your planet) the continent where you are likely to hold the marriage, the average number of unwanted and uninvited guest, the total seating capacity and finally the total number of bathrooms which are in useable condition. Let us do it one by one in brief – by which I mean it will be shorter than the abridged version of the “Sermon on the Mount”.
The location of the hall is quiet important and according to a survey done, more than 92% of the Asians prefer to have the hall located in Asia. This was the same result that came for those who were surveyed in USA where many thought that Asia was bordering Mexico. Having narrowed down to the continent, let’s move to the next point, which is the total seating capacity. On an average, people have liked to have big halls by which I mean big enough to house the whole population of mainland china. Bigger the hall bigger the renting charge but there is one consolation, you get to pay the mount in 7 easy installments of Rs.23 Lakhs each.
Finally, having seen that the hall is located in the same continent that you reside and able to hold a huge number of guests, we visit the bathroom facilities. This is also a main criterion since having to spend more than 78% of the wedding cost on the hall; you will not have enough funds for the caterers. This will lead to sub-standard food quality, which will lead to a herd of people rushing towards the bathroom after the meals.
Since the days of cave men, people have been rushing to bathrooms. This is evident from the cave drawings, which show animals in distorted form. The logical reasoning was that the cave lady prepared an undercooked beet root, which made the cave men’s stomach in trouble, which in turn caused the drawings come out like a special effect. Thus, we have to ascertain that more than 80% of the bathrooms are in a habitable state.
I know reading this document would have been a bore as much as it was for me to type but right now I have to run just like those cave man did while drawing and hence am putting a stop to this document. I may possibly continue in the 23 years time or when Angelina & Brad Pitt start acting, whichever occurs first.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Expecting Couples - Beware of Toys
We are moving inside our own city every 4 days and I got to blame this on my son. He is only 8 months old but somehow seems to have collected roughly 45 million battery-operated toys and 23 billion soft toys. I presume that we would need a house of the size of New Zealand since my son collects toys roughly every 7 nanoseconds.
When I was a “YOUTH’ (not long ago, this is to keep me happy) toys were mainly made of wood or plastic and sound could only be produced if the toy was hit against the ground or your younger brother (which one was nearer) but toys today are embedded with a fully functional heavy metal group within them, with a capacity of blowing the Eiffel tower down in 20 seconds (Note: 20 seconds is a good name for a rock band). These toys are supposedly to enrich and stimulate your child but all it does it to end up straight into their mouth.
Back to the point: we have a rather small house (size of Costa Rica) and it’s difficult to live with a floor covered with toys ready to bring down your roof anytime. So we call up our reliable broker and tell him “We want to sell this house and move to another bigger one”.
A truly professional broker would have shot me in the head, but this guy was a bit compassionate and found a bigger house for us pretty soon. We were pleased with it immediately except that it would not fit our budget and also had a few superficial repairs to be done.
In order to sell the present house I said “It requires minimal painting work” to my wife. I have the astute power of looking at a house and exactly identify the repair needs. (Since I have sold roughly 23 houses in 6 weeks Source: Look at the first line). So I call the painter who arrived 457 calls and 23 billion SMS later. He directly spots the centre of the living room and scrapes an area equivalent to Melbourne cricket ground from the wall and requests change of paints and in doing so may encounter minimal carpentry work.
So we call in the carpenter, I could sense that he was a professional since he had a chain-saw stuck on his right ear, who comes in and starts scrapping a piece of the French-window and informs us that we may need to change the doors and windows. This made my wife really eager to see what else required changes and it led the whole flood gates to be opened.
The roof guy, the electrical guy, the plumber, the interior designer guy, the baker’s man, the next door neighbour’s wife, the innocent bystander guy, the garbage collector guy and the stray dog come and inform me that the entirety of the house needs to be changed if we had to habitat it.
Rs.56 Million and 3 years later when I had made all the alternations suggested by the professional crew I thought that peace would rein the house. This thought was interrupted instantly by my wife’s yell. We had forgotten the most important guy – not the next door guy stupid.
There was a small cockroach the size of Shipla Shetty’s brain lying happily in the kitchen sink listening to Pink Floyd with an iPod Nano. We needed to act quickly and get the pesticides guy for a look.
He came; he inspected and promptly informed us that Shipa Shetty’s brain was much smaller than this. S-L-A-P come back to the main point, he came up with an estimate totalling the annual income of the entire Croatian pharmaceutical industry for fumigating the house to make it devoid of unwanted reptiles and mammals.
The way fumigation works is that they “tent” the house and then fill it with deadly gas and then inform you that you have placed your cheque books, your son and the car keys inside. So we have to crawl inside and thankfully kill ourselves since we can’t pay the remaining bill to the pesticide guys.
No, that would be wrong to kill our self; we still got to make the house habitable by placing half-filled mouthwash bottles in the bathrooms and colourful matching bedspreads in the master bedroom. These are the 2 vantage areas that a prospective home buyer checks before deciding against buying the property. Lucky for us, that the buyers dared to peep into my son’s room else they would have been hit on the head by a giant Tweety bird and a small thorny Tazmanian devil to start with.
I presume that all the ancillary home improvement industry is directly depending on us moving out at regular intervals. So for those lovely couples planning for a baby, kindly move to mainland china since that’s where the toys originate else move into one of those unused bedrooms in the Rashatrapathi Bhavan to have peace in your life.
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