Each year, as we enter the wedding season, I go to the bookstore and pick up a bridal magazine for time passing. Then I crumple to the floor with lower-back spasms, because during wedding season, bridal magazines achieve roughly the same mass as the Rock of Gibraltar (Not the atomic mass - Stupid). They have hundreds of pages of advertisements and articles designed to help the bride go completely insane. Not only does it make her go insane, but also if dressed like what is printed in there, she would transform herself from Ugly to Hideous within moments.
She can't help it. Our modern South Indian weddings are more complex, in terms of logistics, than the invasion of Iraq. For one thing, the invasion of Iraq doesn’t require deciding on the guest favours. More than that, the procedures to first come up with a list of invited guest (uninvited marked with conditions that may apply), is discounted by the chiefs of Army in any invasion. If they ever started preparing the list, we wouldn’t even be done with the Battle of Pataliputra.
So for time being assume that we have a list. The second most logical thing that a man would do is … “YEAH” make more amendments to the list. Sorry, let us leave the list for the moment and go on to decide the gifts for the guest invitees. The bridal magazine holds lots of important news items for gift giving. Let me give you a sample from the March issue…
“Gone for the days of giving Coconut and Turmeric roots in a small plastic bag. The bride’s families today have so many options ... Choose unique flavour container -- tiny tins, clear plastic cones, little gossamer bags or Eco-friendly paper bags -- and fill them with lemon sized coconut. For those important guests, we could give each of them a silver frame ... or tie a stack of your favorite ladoos together with personalized ribbon, the ribbon shall also have carry small silver embroidery of the contractor’s name. The choices are truly endless”.
And YES they are truly endless! Which is why tonight, while you are snoring away to glory, some stressed-out bride-to-be family who had once hoped (The fool!!!) to put Coconut with Turmeric in a plastic bag, will be staring at their bedroom ceiling and asking themselves: “Tiny tins? Gossamer bags? Personalized ribbon? Should I maybe personalize the gossamer?” While the tiny tots in their house shall be looking at the ceiling and wondering “What the HELL is gossamer?” or “How do I spell G-o-s-s-a-m-e-r?”
So at dawn, the bride is still fighting to decide the guest favour and then gets on with the other 1,54,322 critical bridal decisions. A small glitch is that she has to make the decision all by herself since she stopped talking with her mother 23 weeks back due to a disagreement on the floral arrangement for the dais. As of now she has to decide on the Dress, hair-do, make-up, flower arrangement, shoes, photographs, videography, 3D special effects for the videography, invitations et all.
All this while I know for sure that you are wondering what the father of the bride’s role is. Well, to be frank and speaking statistically on behalf of 94% of the fathers I have to say, they are the worst hindrance to the function. If you let a father plan the wedding you may be having plain coconuts for gift giving and end up with a bill that can foot the entire fiscal deficit of Brazil which is 200% more that your present budget.
This doesn’t mean that the feminine gender is by any chance a superior planner. They may be able to save a few bucks on the gift giving but shall loose everything on the Bridal Makeup. The bridal makeup is one of the most important issues in a marriage, since in 98% of the time it involves the Bride (for some strange statistical reason I am unable to figure out where the missing 2% is as of now).
Every time a bride goes for a bridal makeup, which is 5 months in advance to the actual wedding day, she emerges out in public exactly timed 140 seconds before the start of the function. She is filled with an hairdo which is at least 23 foot tall on her head and comprises of
She can't help it. Our modern South Indian weddings are more complex, in terms of logistics, than the invasion of Iraq. For one thing, the invasion of Iraq doesn’t require deciding on the guest favours. More than that, the procedures to first come up with a list of invited guest (uninvited marked with conditions that may apply), is discounted by the chiefs of Army in any invasion. If they ever started preparing the list, we wouldn’t even be done with the Battle of Pataliputra.
So for time being assume that we have a list. The second most logical thing that a man would do is … “YEAH” make more amendments to the list. Sorry, let us leave the list for the moment and go on to decide the gifts for the guest invitees. The bridal magazine holds lots of important news items for gift giving. Let me give you a sample from the March issue…
“Gone for the days of giving Coconut and Turmeric roots in a small plastic bag. The bride’s families today have so many options ... Choose unique flavour container -- tiny tins, clear plastic cones, little gossamer bags or Eco-friendly paper bags -- and fill them with lemon sized coconut. For those important guests, we could give each of them a silver frame ... or tie a stack of your favorite ladoos together with personalized ribbon, the ribbon shall also have carry small silver embroidery of the contractor’s name. The choices are truly endless”.
And YES they are truly endless! Which is why tonight, while you are snoring away to glory, some stressed-out bride-to-be family who had once hoped (The fool!!!) to put Coconut with Turmeric in a plastic bag, will be staring at their bedroom ceiling and asking themselves: “Tiny tins? Gossamer bags? Personalized ribbon? Should I maybe personalize the gossamer?” While the tiny tots in their house shall be looking at the ceiling and wondering “What the HELL is gossamer?” or “How do I spell G-o-s-s-a-m-e-r?”
So at dawn, the bride is still fighting to decide the guest favour and then gets on with the other 1,54,322 critical bridal decisions. A small glitch is that she has to make the decision all by herself since she stopped talking with her mother 23 weeks back due to a disagreement on the floral arrangement for the dais. As of now she has to decide on the Dress, hair-do, make-up, flower arrangement, shoes, photographs, videography, 3D special effects for the videography, invitations et all.
All this while I know for sure that you are wondering what the father of the bride’s role is. Well, to be frank and speaking statistically on behalf of 94% of the fathers I have to say, they are the worst hindrance to the function. If you let a father plan the wedding you may be having plain coconuts for gift giving and end up with a bill that can foot the entire fiscal deficit of Brazil which is 200% more that your present budget.
This doesn’t mean that the feminine gender is by any chance a superior planner. They may be able to save a few bucks on the gift giving but shall loose everything on the Bridal Makeup. The bridal makeup is one of the most important issues in a marriage, since in 98% of the time it involves the Bride (for some strange statistical reason I am unable to figure out where the missing 2% is as of now).
Every time a bride goes for a bridal makeup, which is 5 months in advance to the actual wedding day, she emerges out in public exactly timed 140 seconds before the start of the function. She is filled with an hairdo which is at least 23 foot tall on her head and comprises of
1) Her own hair (20%)
2) a strong substance called as Hair Gel
3) 47 Tons of flowers
4) Two billion hair pins
In fact after the ceremony, production engineers from Ford would come and collect the steel pins that would be used to manufacture a Ford Icon.
The point after the hairdo is the saree selection. There are too many parameters in this selection criterion. In fact I am not making it up, it would be far easier for you to solve a triple integral of the volume of a sphere hung from a window of length ‘l’ and height ‘h’ than choose the saree for the reception. The reason I am not explaining this section in detail is because I am waiting for my father to return from the saree selection for my sister. They left sometime during the last decade and I am still to receive any communication from them. Perhaps they sent the updates via FedEx which may be on the way.
One must accept the fact that in deciding these critical issues, the date of the marriage would be fast approaching. Since the bride had to take all the decisions by herself, she would have been reduced to a size of a pinball. So to bring her back to normalcy we have to think of food. This brings the caterers into the picture.
There is an ascertained procedure for selecting a caterer. It is to follow what your neighbour did for their daughters wedding. What they did was:
1. Calculate the total Annual income of your family and multiply by 7.
2. Then add 23 to the total. This total is the actual cost of establishing a Wireless Telecommunication Industry … Oops Sorry wrong formula.
3. Just add the number of siblings for the Bride and multiply by 23,800.
4. This is the estimated cost towards food for the marriage.
There are some additional hidden costs involved in catering since the food industry is somehow linked with the telecomm industry. This is a latest vogue that the caterers are equipped with cell phones so that we can make 4,56,745 calls (from our phone) in trying to locate them and bargain on the potato prices and end up paying the cellular provider half their annual revenue. So the actual cost of the food is known only after the wedding is over when the cell phone bills arrive.
Somehow you manage to locate a caterer and he comes up with a list of 345 million dishes and expects you to select 671 items from then for the wedding reception. Since the bride is busy with her makeup as of now, the bride’s father takes the decision of these 671 items, which is instantly rejected by the mother. The reason for the mother to reject them is that since in the May issue of the bridal magazine said one shouldn’t serve Ice creams and a Fruit cake with vanilla frosting together(item#45 in the selected list). There are lots of such handy tips, which the mother has cut and kept aside in that bundle of useless junk weighing roughly the mass of Jupiter. So, the father of the bride allows the women to arrive at the perfect combination which may take 2 years.
The food has been taken care, now we have to resent to the fact that we still have roughly around 3,467 more critical issues before we look into the 14,567 minor issues. The next major issue is the dress materials for the kids. These are the small built brats having powers to bring down the twin-towers just by their shrill pitched shouting who create a major scene if we don’t involve them in choosing their costumes. From the fact that the children dresses are so costly, I presume the manufacturer like “Jini & Jonny”, “Weekender Kids” would have spent lots of eavesdropping hours on the houses which performs a wedding. Seen the tantrums that the kids make, they proportionally hike the prices of the dress when you go to get them. By all probability (Murphy’s Law also included) the size which you are looking will not be available. The only option for you is to wait till next March for the sale or pay a few million more and get the dress within the next 2 hours thereby saving the twin-towers from destruction.
The tangling doesn’t stop here, once the kids dress have been chosen they assemble at a place quiet convenient for them such as under the bed or the dogs kennel and plan their next action. The feminine gender kids all plans and decides that they all want the same hair-do and also eat exactly 45 milligrams of food per session during the marriage. The hairdo will never be something simple, but shall require 14 scientists and some amount of thorium and TNT. They make such big hairdo that sometime they start to interfere with the air traffic-control system.
You must be wondering what the male gender is doing, they are possibly the best of the lot. They are in the sofa with their legs spread and sleeping. In their sleep, all of them are planing to eat possibly 456 KG of sweets and then if time permits ogle at the female section of the crowd.
The final point that I am going to look now is the marriage hall. According to reliable sources (this includes everyone around my house including the next door dog ‘Debbie’) the selection of the marriage hall would take more than 457 weeks if planned correctly else will take the same time that it takes for NASA’s Pathfinder to Mars. By all scientific calculations (using my knowledge of trigonometry and algebra), Pathfinder may or may not reach MARS and hence let’s leave it alone for a while.
There are many criteria that come into picture on how to select a marriage hall. Some of the most important criteria are (obviously you stupid, the hall being present in your planet) the continent where you are likely to hold the marriage, the average number of unwanted and uninvited guest, the total seating capacity and finally the total number of bathrooms which are in useable condition. Let us do it one by one in brief – by which I mean it will be shorter than the abridged version of the “Sermon on the Mount”.
The location of the hall is quiet important and according to a survey done, more than 92% of the Asians prefer to have the hall located in Asia. This was the same result that came for those who were surveyed in USA where many thought that Asia was bordering Mexico. Having narrowed down to the continent, let’s move to the next point, which is the total seating capacity. On an average, people have liked to have big halls by which I mean big enough to house the whole population of mainland china. Bigger the hall bigger the renting charge but there is one consolation, you get to pay the mount in 7 easy installments of Rs.23 Lakhs each.
Finally, having seen that the hall is located in the same continent that you reside and able to hold a huge number of guests, we visit the bathroom facilities. This is also a main criterion since having to spend more than 78% of the wedding cost on the hall; you will not have enough funds for the caterers. This will lead to sub-standard food quality, which will lead to a herd of people rushing towards the bathroom after the meals.
Since the days of cave men, people have been rushing to bathrooms. This is evident from the cave drawings, which show animals in distorted form. The logical reasoning was that the cave lady prepared an undercooked beet root, which made the cave men’s stomach in trouble, which in turn caused the drawings come out like a special effect. Thus, we have to ascertain that more than 80% of the bathrooms are in a habitable state.
I know reading this document would have been a bore as much as it was for me to type but right now I have to run just like those cave man did while drawing and hence am putting a stop to this document. I may possibly continue in the 23 years time or when Angelina & Brad Pitt start acting, whichever occurs first.
The point after the hairdo is the saree selection. There are too many parameters in this selection criterion. In fact I am not making it up, it would be far easier for you to solve a triple integral of the volume of a sphere hung from a window of length ‘l’ and height ‘h’ than choose the saree for the reception. The reason I am not explaining this section in detail is because I am waiting for my father to return from the saree selection for my sister. They left sometime during the last decade and I am still to receive any communication from them. Perhaps they sent the updates via FedEx which may be on the way.
One must accept the fact that in deciding these critical issues, the date of the marriage would be fast approaching. Since the bride had to take all the decisions by herself, she would have been reduced to a size of a pinball. So to bring her back to normalcy we have to think of food. This brings the caterers into the picture.
There is an ascertained procedure for selecting a caterer. It is to follow what your neighbour did for their daughters wedding. What they did was:
1. Calculate the total Annual income of your family and multiply by 7.
2. Then add 23 to the total. This total is the actual cost of establishing a Wireless Telecommunication Industry … Oops Sorry wrong formula.
3. Just add the number of siblings for the Bride and multiply by 23,800.
4. This is the estimated cost towards food for the marriage.
There are some additional hidden costs involved in catering since the food industry is somehow linked with the telecomm industry. This is a latest vogue that the caterers are equipped with cell phones so that we can make 4,56,745 calls (from our phone) in trying to locate them and bargain on the potato prices and end up paying the cellular provider half their annual revenue. So the actual cost of the food is known only after the wedding is over when the cell phone bills arrive.
Somehow you manage to locate a caterer and he comes up with a list of 345 million dishes and expects you to select 671 items from then for the wedding reception. Since the bride is busy with her makeup as of now, the bride’s father takes the decision of these 671 items, which is instantly rejected by the mother. The reason for the mother to reject them is that since in the May issue of the bridal magazine said one shouldn’t serve Ice creams and a Fruit cake with vanilla frosting together(item#45 in the selected list). There are lots of such handy tips, which the mother has cut and kept aside in that bundle of useless junk weighing roughly the mass of Jupiter. So, the father of the bride allows the women to arrive at the perfect combination which may take 2 years.
The food has been taken care, now we have to resent to the fact that we still have roughly around 3,467 more critical issues before we look into the 14,567 minor issues. The next major issue is the dress materials for the kids. These are the small built brats having powers to bring down the twin-towers just by their shrill pitched shouting who create a major scene if we don’t involve them in choosing their costumes. From the fact that the children dresses are so costly, I presume the manufacturer like “Jini & Jonny”, “Weekender Kids” would have spent lots of eavesdropping hours on the houses which performs a wedding. Seen the tantrums that the kids make, they proportionally hike the prices of the dress when you go to get them. By all probability (Murphy’s Law also included) the size which you are looking will not be available. The only option for you is to wait till next March for the sale or pay a few million more and get the dress within the next 2 hours thereby saving the twin-towers from destruction.
The tangling doesn’t stop here, once the kids dress have been chosen they assemble at a place quiet convenient for them such as under the bed or the dogs kennel and plan their next action. The feminine gender kids all plans and decides that they all want the same hair-do and also eat exactly 45 milligrams of food per session during the marriage. The hairdo will never be something simple, but shall require 14 scientists and some amount of thorium and TNT. They make such big hairdo that sometime they start to interfere with the air traffic-control system.
You must be wondering what the male gender is doing, they are possibly the best of the lot. They are in the sofa with their legs spread and sleeping. In their sleep, all of them are planing to eat possibly 456 KG of sweets and then if time permits ogle at the female section of the crowd.
The final point that I am going to look now is the marriage hall. According to reliable sources (this includes everyone around my house including the next door dog ‘Debbie’) the selection of the marriage hall would take more than 457 weeks if planned correctly else will take the same time that it takes for NASA’s Pathfinder to Mars. By all scientific calculations (using my knowledge of trigonometry and algebra), Pathfinder may or may not reach MARS and hence let’s leave it alone for a while.
There are many criteria that come into picture on how to select a marriage hall. Some of the most important criteria are (obviously you stupid, the hall being present in your planet) the continent where you are likely to hold the marriage, the average number of unwanted and uninvited guest, the total seating capacity and finally the total number of bathrooms which are in useable condition. Let us do it one by one in brief – by which I mean it will be shorter than the abridged version of the “Sermon on the Mount”.
The location of the hall is quiet important and according to a survey done, more than 92% of the Asians prefer to have the hall located in Asia. This was the same result that came for those who were surveyed in USA where many thought that Asia was bordering Mexico. Having narrowed down to the continent, let’s move to the next point, which is the total seating capacity. On an average, people have liked to have big halls by which I mean big enough to house the whole population of mainland china. Bigger the hall bigger the renting charge but there is one consolation, you get to pay the mount in 7 easy installments of Rs.23 Lakhs each.
Finally, having seen that the hall is located in the same continent that you reside and able to hold a huge number of guests, we visit the bathroom facilities. This is also a main criterion since having to spend more than 78% of the wedding cost on the hall; you will not have enough funds for the caterers. This will lead to sub-standard food quality, which will lead to a herd of people rushing towards the bathroom after the meals.
Since the days of cave men, people have been rushing to bathrooms. This is evident from the cave drawings, which show animals in distorted form. The logical reasoning was that the cave lady prepared an undercooked beet root, which made the cave men’s stomach in trouble, which in turn caused the drawings come out like a special effect. Thus, we have to ascertain that more than 80% of the bathrooms are in a habitable state.
I know reading this document would have been a bore as much as it was for me to type but right now I have to run just like those cave man did while drawing and hence am putting a stop to this document. I may possibly continue in the 23 years time or when Angelina & Brad Pitt start acting, whichever occurs first.
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