We are moving inside our own city every 4 days and I got to blame this on my son. He is only 8 months old but somehow seems to have collected roughly 45 million battery-operated toys and 23 billion soft toys. I presume that we would need a house of the size of New Zealand since my son collects toys roughly every 7 nanoseconds.
When I was a “YOUTH’ (not long ago, this is to keep me happy) toys were mainly made of wood or plastic and sound could only be produced if the toy was hit against the ground or your younger brother (which one was nearer) but toys today are embedded with a fully functional heavy metal group within them, with a capacity of blowing the Eiffel tower down in 20 seconds (Note: 20 seconds is a good name for a rock band). These toys are supposedly to enrich and stimulate your child but all it does it to end up straight into their mouth.
Back to the point: we have a rather small house (size of Costa Rica) and it’s difficult to live with a floor covered with toys ready to bring down your roof anytime. So we call up our reliable broker and tell him “We want to sell this house and move to another bigger one”.
A truly professional broker would have shot me in the head, but this guy was a bit compassionate and found a bigger house for us pretty soon. We were pleased with it immediately except that it would not fit our budget and also had a few superficial repairs to be done.
In order to sell the present house I said “It requires minimal painting work” to my wife. I have the astute power of looking at a house and exactly identify the repair needs. (Since I have sold roughly 23 houses in 6 weeks Source: Look at the first line). So I call the painter who arrived 457 calls and 23 billion SMS later. He directly spots the centre of the living room and scrapes an area equivalent to Melbourne cricket ground from the wall and requests change of paints and in doing so may encounter minimal carpentry work.
So we call in the carpenter, I could sense that he was a professional since he had a chain-saw stuck on his right ear, who comes in and starts scrapping a piece of the French-window and informs us that we may need to change the doors and windows. This made my wife really eager to see what else required changes and it led the whole flood gates to be opened.
The roof guy, the electrical guy, the plumber, the interior designer guy, the baker’s man, the next door neighbour’s wife, the innocent bystander guy, the garbage collector guy and the stray dog come and inform me that the entirety of the house needs to be changed if we had to habitat it.
Rs.56 Million and 3 years later when I had made all the alternations suggested by the professional crew I thought that peace would rein the house. This thought was interrupted instantly by my wife’s yell. We had forgotten the most important guy – not the next door guy stupid.
There was a small cockroach the size of Shipla Shetty’s brain lying happily in the kitchen sink listening to Pink Floyd with an iPod Nano. We needed to act quickly and get the pesticides guy for a look.
He came; he inspected and promptly informed us that Shipa Shetty’s brain was much smaller than this. S-L-A-P come back to the main point, he came up with an estimate totalling the annual income of the entire Croatian pharmaceutical industry for fumigating the house to make it devoid of unwanted reptiles and mammals.
The way fumigation works is that they “tent” the house and then fill it with deadly gas and then inform you that you have placed your cheque books, your son and the car keys inside. So we have to crawl inside and thankfully kill ourselves since we can’t pay the remaining bill to the pesticide guys.
No, that would be wrong to kill our self; we still got to make the house habitable by placing half-filled mouthwash bottles in the bathrooms and colourful matching bedspreads in the master bedroom. These are the 2 vantage areas that a prospective home buyer checks before deciding against buying the property. Lucky for us, that the buyers dared to peep into my son’s room else they would have been hit on the head by a giant Tweety bird and a small thorny Tazmanian devil to start with.
I presume that all the ancillary home improvement industry is directly depending on us moving out at regular intervals. So for those lovely couples planning for a baby, kindly move to mainland china since that’s where the toys originate else move into one of those unused bedrooms in the Rashatrapathi Bhavan to have peace in your life.
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