Talent Show Judges - A Crash Course

I have been watching crap TV programs for a long time in cable (since May 1998) and now I feel like I need to be a part of this event rather than simply watching it. So I tried my hand at cricket. I scored at a very brisk pace, was consistent, could handle the short pitched balls, was trim and fit, bowled spin and never missed a catch. So the Indian team management felt that I was not the best fit for their team, also I did not suffer from IPL fatigue. My head hung and I was disappointed that I could not make it to the TV. Just then did I realise that I had a lot of potentials in the reality TV shows.

Reality television is a genre of programmes that is supposed to present unscripted dramatic or humourous programs but in reality it doesn’t. Confused as to what I am saying here, well reality television programmes started out to be not rehearsed and extempore in nature but then it did not draw much of response from the audiences and hence they turned to a little dramatised and rehearsed reality programs which has created waves in the media market today.

The genre initially covered a wide range of program formats, from game shows, talk shows to quiz shows. The main aim of the show is to portray the participants in a highly modified and influenced form of reality which means acting thereby utilising sensationalism to attract innocent viewers for Target Rating Points (TRP). Participants are selected by testing the acting ability of the person to improvise the situation given in such a way as to display realism as well as acting abilities at the same time.

OK enough about Reality shows and talent hunt shows, let’s get to business. If you need yourself to be equipped with the linguistics of a judge you need to have certain jargons in your vocabulary. You don’t have to go anywhere to search them; I have compiled them here for your benefit. I also will answer some of your more thought provoking questions on talent shows.

Situation: You heard one of the worst renditions of a hit song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a superb performance, I have never seen one like this before. A good job. God Bless you, all the best. I have a few clarifications to make, the pitching of the song was not to tune, your beats were out of sync, the voice dynamics were not up to the mark, other than that the overall you performance was really excellent … I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You heard one of the best renditions of a hit song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a superb performance, it should be termed a stellar performance. I knew you would deliver just like this … great song selection, good dress, nice body language - your performance was really excellent … I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You hear one of the renditions of a hit song which you don’t like. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a superb performance, god bless you, you have a bright career if you continue to practice hard and improve your voice … I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You heard one of a decent or average rendition of a hit song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a scintillating performance, you look like a complete performer. If you can manage to sing like this for another 10 years you could easily make it to the top. Thanks for the song selection, nice body language, good voice dynamics, you sang with conviction - your performance was really excellent … on par with the rest, I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You heard one of the best renditions of a worst song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “this performance deserves a standing ovation; it should be termed a stellar performance. You took such a tough song and delivered the exact feelings of the song … your voice throw was good, nice movements, on the whole your performance was really excellent than we expected … I give you 8 on 10”.

Some of the jargons which is needed in your vocabulary
1. You are a complete performer
2. Voice dynamics needs to be up
3. Throw your voice
4. Understand the emotions
5. There is a slight crack in your voice
6. Swallow the song
7. Feel the modulation
8. Vocal chemistry is missing
9. Justice to the song
10. You choose a tough song and rendered it better
11. Superb, no words to say
12. You have matured into a fine artist
13. I never expected this kind of a performance from you – Bravo
14. God Bless You
15. You have a great future (Never mention in what)

Kindly memorize these jargons and style of feedback and then you are completly qualified as a Reality or Talent hunt show judge.

Now for the FAQ

Ques: How do I become a Talent hunt show judge?
Answ: Just record a few feedback analyses in a CD and mail it to the producer of the show

Ques: Is that all I have to do?
Answ: Yes, they will come back with 2 days after reviewing your CD.

Ques: Won’t these viewers know that we are just fooling around?
Answ: SHUT UP – do want to come on TV or not?

Ques: I am not so famous; can I still make it to a judge?
Answ: We have so many channels and too many show, too few judges so you are always in demand.

Ques: I don’t have any experience in anything, what to do?
Answ: Neither does the contestants, so why do you worry. Producer only looks for TRP ratings.

Ques: Do I have to update any other skills?
Answ: Yes, you have to look either too profession or too local. One of them is a must.

Ques: What do you mean by local?
Answ: Enough of questions, get on with your make up, we are going live in 5 minutes.

Ques: What is the program?
Answ: Caretel Super Flusher Jr – Season 2. Search for the best toilet flusher in town

The Open Music begins [Dramatic One too – Water Flushing]

Our Governments Report Card - A Birds Eye View

Statutory Warning: Any name or event appearing in this blog is purely based on fictional new items and television shows. If there are any resemblances it is purely coincidental.

I have been watching the special programs for a long time (since May 1981) and now I feel like I need to be a part of this event rather than simply watching it. I am here alluring to the KPA-II (Kangress Party Alliance) report card. I guess that every television channel network now has a total working creativity capacity of a deranged mutant cabbage.

Reality television is a genre of programmes that is supposed to present unscripted dramatic or humourous programs but in reality it doesn’t. They have started covering the achievements of the government of India in the last one year. I know that you will be rolling out in the ground over but this is not a reality show but an out and out humourous show.

Let us loot – opss sorry for the typo. The moment I say government even the keyboard seems to know that LOOT is what comes to our mind. Anyway back to the topic, let us look at the contestants and see how they have fared.

The Hero – Prime minister: Dr. Madam’s Maid Servant (MMS) who is a very soft and non-politician guy but have the most important attribute to be the head, a perfect puppet.

The Heroin – Party President: Ms.Gonia Shandhi who is an aggressive and dimwitted person with loads of cash and network across the globe. She is the person right enough to pull the strings of our Hero.

The 2nd Heroin – Kayawati: A power centre who always is welcomed with a garland worth Rs.13 lakhs. She wants to have herself pulling the strings of the PM or possibly wants to play the Hero’s role herself.

The Financier: Mr.Mranab Pukerjee: Here is a man capable of running the entire fiscal dealing of the country, the only things is he confuses himself between credit & debit column in his budget. Foreseeing this small mistake, he is THE man to run our economy from WORSE to WORST.

The Security Officer: Mr.C.Phidambaram – A man who has lost a creamy portfolio and landed in a minefield. His soul duty is to make statements on improving our homeland security while a bomb goes off next to his meeting place. The threat to this bomb had been given to him via different mediums such as e-mails, SMS, courier, in-person delivery and official broadcast also.

The Communication Expert: Mr.R.Aaja – the person who has a total brain working capacity of dialing 100 for fire emergencies but was reluctantly put on a job to handle communication policies. He is a very shy person, infact sees his own wife behind the kitchen doors and needs his grandfather’s help in bailing him out of controversies.

The Educationalist – Mr. Sapil Kibil – the person who wants to implement what every kid dreams off – school days without exams. He wants to make sure that none of the student is unhappy and abolish all kinds of unwanted elements from the present schooling system such as exams, grades, teachers, moral science subjects et all.

The High Flier – Mr.Kraful Matel – a person who is apt for a high flying portfolio. There are no worries for him by his portfolio flagship concern making loss after loss every year since he earns his lions share from the lucrative IPL league.

The Trainer – Ms. Bamtha Mannerjee – a hardcore fanatic of something which I have no clue about, but am certain that she is a fanatic of something. Her high pitched shrill voice and absolute non-constructive ideas make her as a joker in the pack of cards. She is pretty much training herself to come back to power in her own state – which is Bengal and is in a pretty bad state too.

The Rightful Owner to the Throne – Mr. Gahul Rhandhi, a young energetic boy who thinks that drinking chai with locals and travelling in second class (Not to be mistaken with cattle class, since this is not tweeter) will earn him more trust as an Aam Adhmi Netha. The point to note is that he always wears Armani, Nike and Rolex but prefers chai in mud tumblers. His dream is to over throw the current hero (the puppet) and take the cake and eat it too all by himself.

The Law maker – Mr. Meerappa Voily – a loyalist to the party president and acts only on her directions. He is very strict that he will only abide by the party presidents word. Not much of powers are entrusted to him. Hence he is still pondering to take a decision to hang a confirmed pickpocket named Vasab.

The Culinary Man – Mr. Pharad Sawar, a man in charge of producing food grains for the entire nation but he doesn’t have time to overlook it since he has to run the ICC as a chairman. He has to see that India wins at least one world cup when he is with ICC while many farmers die due to lack of policies from his portfolio.

The Personnel department – Mr. K.S.Mrishna – who is not much of a person to talk about but has a deputy who has lots to talk on, Mr. Thashi Sharoor. His deputy is always seen in tweeter making comments which are very complimentary to his party’s governance.

The Villains – you cannot have a show that has no villans, we are not making a Disney Cartoon movie for kids. So the villains are in the form of JBP, Left, Right, Yulayam Madav, Sulayam Mingh, Sarjun Aingh, Bamitab Aachan etc. These guys currently have no scope in the story until 2014 when the next general elections are due.

So if you can imagine a reality show with all these contestants what would you have – a ball of a time, much better than Parliamentary Session.