In The Battle Of Wits With Electronic devices, I Loose

Recently there have been many articles explaining the latest trend in electronic devices - namely how appliance manufacturers are planning to drive consumers insane.

Of course they do not say it openly in that way but what they are meaning to say is that they are planning to have all the appliances in your home (that's correct, the place where you live) connect to the internet and share information. In short this is called the Internet of Things or IoT in the long form.

What does it mean for an ordinary consumer is that going forward all the appliances are going to be smarter than you. For example, you would have a home where the washing machine "can be turned on from the office" and the refrigerator "knows when you are out of milk" and sends an SMS to the milkman while your bathroom shower would be transmitting (S-L-A-P dirty mind, not the pictures) your weight directly to the gym instructors.

I frankly am very sure that all the manufacturers, with all due respect to their IQ, have been smoking pot. Why would a consumer to load all the dirty clothes in his washing machine and then leave to the office to start it? Would there be any kind of career benefit that I am missing out?

Your Boss: So what are you doing now?
You: (swiping with your index finger on the phone) I'm starting my washing machine.
Your Boss: That's the sort of productivity and commitment that I want around here.

After 15 minutes when he comes back
Your Boss: Now what are you up to?
You: Flushing the toilet sir.
Your Boss: Meet me at my cabin before going home,

If this is not enough, the automobile manufacturers have woken up from their deep slumber and have joined the race. Now you can do the same things from your car. For example: while you are stuck in the traffic jam over Silk Board junction in the evening, you can start your washing machine, when you reach Forum signal (roughly 2 hours 7 minutes later) you can start boiling the milk sitting in the microwave oven.


Although it looks practical and sane, I want to place a humble request to the manufacturers. I don't want the appliances that communicate via the internet and but make them no to leak, break down every 5 days, requires 14 button presses before able to start it etc. If you are very insistent on making improvements then I would like to have a sensor shout when you have loaded the washing machine "START THE CYCLE NOW OR I'LL START LEAKING AFTER YOU LEAVE TO OFFICE"

Likewise, I do not want to own a refrigerator that knows when we are out of milk supply. We already have this kind of system since 1700s. We have this fool proof system of determining if we are out of any supply. We get shouting orders from the WIFE. Also I am not sure if any person would buy a fridge which refuses to open since you have had 4 scoops of Banana Walnut ice creams.

As far to the bathroom shower I would ask it only one thing - Are you nuts? I do not want to even transmit the weight to my own eyes, why would I want the fit-bands, bathroom scales to transmit these confidential data to the gym which I last visited sometime during the end of Second World War. Imagine this scenario if the bathroom scale sent this data to the fridge or the microwave then I would never be able to open either one of these appliances. Worst case scenario, if this data is sent to all your nearby houses - really scared correct.

I am sick of all these appliances which have sprouted in the last 5 years claiming to be smarter and have ruined our lives. The fitness band is one which tops the charts - it sends these data to your Google drive while you are asleep. This data gets reflected in all the e-commerce site which you visit and then this data will be hacked by some 12 year old juvenile kid in Israel. It then makes it to Breaking News in twitter and whats-app and finally lands back into your wife's phone as a FWD message. Do we want this to happen?

Finally let me come to the home entertainment systems - it’s been a real concern for me just to operate it. I recently bought a fully loaded featured TV set which has a remote that has 124 keys out of which I hardly use 4 buttons in which one of them is the RED button. I don't know how to use all the features of this smart TV. If I want to watch a crappy TV program I have to manage THREE remotes - one with the TV (144 buttons), one for the sound system (42 buttons) and the third (37 buttons) given by the cable set-top box guy, who apparently felt that I was short of buttons.

In order  to watch a TV program I have to manipulate around 120 keys (MIN) with helpful button names such as PIP, MTS, DSS, XVID, F5, HELP, JUMP, AIM, SHOOT, BLANK. After randomly pressing combination of buttons I search for the POWER button and press that. I feel completely relaxed. Now-a-days I stand in front of the blank TV for 20 minutes thinking of the program I want to watch and leave the room. That's how smart my TV has become - just like my kids.

Speaking of kids, they absolutely know the way to work out with these remotes and have been watching the cartoon channels for the 11 straight days without a break. So if this is the kind of smart appliances which we want to live with? Of course not - your appliances (and if possible your wife too) needs to be DUMBER than you. I am urging all of you to let the consumer appliance manufacturers know by phone, email, whatsapp, Facebook, twitter that you are going to vote NO for such devices in future.

Please act fast since your fridge and the car have already voted with a YES and the toilet flush would be sending its vote anytime now. [Source: your next door microwave oven]

Rahul May Lack Gene for Human Intelligence

A team of reputed genetic scientist have stunned the entire nation (MOTO: The nation needs an answer) today evening by disclosing its results the Rahul Gandhi may lack the gene for normal human intelligence.

This group which has been studying Rahul since the 2014 election campaign have made this startling discovery when they were studying the differences in IQ levels between humans and chimps. One of the leading scientists has quoted “We have found in his blood samples extremely high levels of Potassium which directly indicates a banana-rich diet which is rarely found in human inhabiting the Janpath road.”

 

Prompted by this clue, the group of scientist have probed much further in the DNA and found “No substantial evidence” of human intelligence. In fact they only found traces to suggest that the sample’s IQ could at most be of that of rotten cabbage.

 

From the congress party office, their spokesperson have no comments and are currently trying to blame the Rahul’s bananas are coming from the Gujarat region which may be the cause. However, the BJP have questioned this claim and have decided to boycott the next parliamentary session all together.

 

In defence of the findings, the scientist group have claimed that in their experiments they have taught a female baboon to say things such as “Women empowerment”, “RTI”, “One Minute Arnab” as their vocabulary. So they say this should not be confused with actual human speech.

 

In a related research done in Karnataka, scientist say that they have found that Dig Vijay Singh has an abnormal double-gene for human speech and this explains why it is virtually impossible to get him to shut-up. Some of the research group are also claiming that Arvind Kejriwal may have a curled gene which makes him autocratic on any matter.

 

While we are all shocked and awed by this revelation, we find that this gene is also very prominent with the Bollywood film fraternity writers, which may explain the reason for such sloppy script writings.

While on this note, let me finish my last piece of Mexican platano.

Talent Show Judges - A Crash Course

I have been watching crap TV programs for a long time in cable (since May 1998) and now I feel like I need to be a part of this event rather than simply watching it. So I tried my hand at cricket. I scored at a very brisk pace, was consistent, could handle the short pitched balls, was trim and fit, bowled spin and never missed a catch. So the Indian team management felt that I was not the best fit for their team, also I did not suffer from IPL fatigue. My head hung and I was disappointed that I could not make it to the TV. Just then did I realise that I had a lot of potentials in the reality TV shows.

Reality television is a genre of programmes that is supposed to present unscripted dramatic or humourous programs but in reality it doesn’t. Confused as to what I am saying here, well reality television programmes started out to be not rehearsed and extempore in nature but then it did not draw much of response from the audiences and hence they turned to a little dramatised and rehearsed reality programs which has created waves in the media market today.

The genre initially covered a wide range of program formats, from game shows, talk shows to quiz shows. The main aim of the show is to portray the participants in a highly modified and influenced form of reality which means acting thereby utilising sensationalism to attract innocent viewers for Target Rating Points (TRP). Participants are selected by testing the acting ability of the person to improvise the situation given in such a way as to display realism as well as acting abilities at the same time.

OK enough about Reality shows and talent hunt shows, let’s get to business. If you need yourself to be equipped with the linguistics of a judge you need to have certain jargons in your vocabulary. You don’t have to go anywhere to search them; I have compiled them here for your benefit. I also will answer some of your more thought provoking questions on talent shows.

Situation: You heard one of the worst renditions of a hit song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a superb performance, I have never seen one like this before. A good job. God Bless you, all the best. I have a few clarifications to make, the pitching of the song was not to tune, your beats were out of sync, the voice dynamics were not up to the mark, other than that the overall you performance was really excellent … I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You heard one of the best renditions of a hit song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a superb performance, it should be termed a stellar performance. I knew you would deliver just like this … great song selection, good dress, nice body language - your performance was really excellent … I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You hear one of the renditions of a hit song which you don’t like. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a superb performance, god bless you, you have a bright career if you continue to practice hard and improve your voice … I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You heard one of a decent or average rendition of a hit song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a scintillating performance, you look like a complete performer. If you can manage to sing like this for another 10 years you could easily make it to the top. Thanks for the song selection, nice body language, good voice dynamics, you sang with conviction - your performance was really excellent … on par with the rest, I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You heard one of the best renditions of a worst song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “this performance deserves a standing ovation; it should be termed a stellar performance. You took such a tough song and delivered the exact feelings of the song … your voice throw was good, nice movements, on the whole your performance was really excellent than we expected … I give you 8 on 10”.

Some of the jargons which is needed in your vocabulary
1. You are a complete performer
2. Voice dynamics needs to be up
3. Throw your voice
4. Understand the emotions
5. There is a slight crack in your voice
6. Swallow the song
7. Feel the modulation
8. Vocal chemistry is missing
9. Justice to the song
10. You choose a tough song and rendered it better
11. Superb, no words to say
12. You have matured into a fine artist
13. I never expected this kind of a performance from you – Bravo
14. God Bless You
15. You have a great future (Never mention in what)

Kindly memorize these jargons and style of feedback and then you are completly qualified as a Reality or Talent hunt show judge.

Now for the FAQ

Ques: How do I become a Talent hunt show judge?
Answ: Just record a few feedback analyses in a CD and mail it to the producer of the show

Ques: Is that all I have to do?
Answ: Yes, they will come back with 2 days after reviewing your CD.

Ques: Won’t these viewers know that we are just fooling around?
Answ: SHUT UP – do want to come on TV or not?

Ques: I am not so famous; can I still make it to a judge?
Answ: We have so many channels and too many show, too few judges so you are always in demand.

Ques: I don’t have any experience in anything, what to do?
Answ: Neither does the contestants, so why do you worry. Producer only looks for TRP ratings.

Ques: Do I have to update any other skills?
Answ: Yes, you have to look either too profession or too local. One of them is a must.

Ques: What do you mean by local?
Answ: Enough of questions, get on with your make up, we are going live in 5 minutes.

Ques: What is the program?
Answ: Caretel Super Flusher Jr – Season 2. Search for the best toilet flusher in town

The Open Music begins [Dramatic One too – Water Flushing]