Your Horoscope for the Day

Aries (Mar21-Apr19)

Your moon is now in the house of Murugan Idly Shop and is expected to remain there for some time since two waitresses calling in sick and a third vacationing in Hawaii. The A.M. is very good time to take advantage of fools. However, seek the advice of an expert before attempting plastic surgery on yourself or someone you love.

Taurus (Apr20-May20)

Due to a slight imbalance in the tides, there is some confusion among the stars as to whether or not you really exist. This question will quickly resolved just as soon as someone makes an attempt to pick up your laundry. Rash decisions could prove very harmful today, so exercise great caution while eating. The lucky stone for you, at present, is Black granite

Gemini (May21-Jun21)

This is a day to be careful with your check book and credit cards. Keep a close eye on garbage bins, since someone is inclined to throw something extravagant. Check out cute little boutique-shops nearby your friend's workplace for a visit. The evening is excellent times for you to get together with persons whose idea are similar to your own unless of course, you are a real moron. Looking at the stars, one is bound say that you are a Moron always.

Cancer (Jun22-July20)

Make detailed plans for social activities you may wish to engage later in the day. Then, later in the day, make detailed plans for social activities you may wish to engage for tomorrow. Repeat this routine faithfully throughout the remainder of the calendar year and you can easily avoid any kind of real work. Your stars point towards good prosperity in your chosen profession.

Leo (July21-Aug22)

What was believed to have been the main star guiding your life now appears to be nothing more than an enormous chunk of degenerated garbage still floating around the atmosphere. This means any advice you’re ever read in this or any other horoscope is wrong. We apologise for any inconvenience suffered by your neighbour's at your cost.

Virgo (Aug23-Sept22)

An inner restriction is lifted. You'll have a new sense of freedom, which may cause you to move in with your neighbour’s wife. You'll be contemplating changes in your wife’s life-style. Today's news will rattle some skeletons in the family closet if lips have been loose as always. A view from the sun suggests that you stay away from fried items for a while.

Libra (Sept23-Oct23)

The main star influencing your fate has moved – leaving behind a flock of unpaid phone bills, and no forwarding galaxy address. Until such time myself at Horoscope Central can locate the Missing Star, you’re on your own. Best of luck with what you can only be described as a very bleak and altogether loathsome situation. No prediction this month will come correctly for you.

Scorpio (Oct24-Nov21)

You'll feel inspired at your job today by your 120% original thinking. Later you find that your thinking was totally skewed. There's a happy emphasis on courtship. Tonight, however, may bring conflict with you aunt’s cat. Recharge your batteries for a safe weekend.

Sagittarius (Nov22-Dec21)

Spend some time with financial record-keeping today. Members of the family will feel especially close since its payday. Your best bet is to hoard raw metals such as Cement, Mortar and also Bicycle vault tubes for future finance requirements. Sunday is the best day for you to skip work.

Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19)

Your cusp has broken into the house of Leo while Leo was on online, and has made off with a portable TV, a can opener and still-undetermined amount of cash. It would be improper for you to contact the proper authorities and vice-versa. Avoid legal crimes, firing squads and parliamentary elections. Make sure your left half of the brain is not hurt.

Aquarius (Jan19-Feb20)

A long and trusted friend may be in a bit of a testy mood today, so make allowances for a punch in the mouth or just some scathing verbal abuse. No new apart from this will develop during this month. Your old Problems are more than enough to sustain throughout this month.

Pisces (Feb21-Mar20)

You are the last of the zodiac signs and this is certainly not by accident. You have relatively few, if any, friends; you are widely disturbed; and your bad taste in dress appeal only to people’s who lack any socially redeeming values. Start drinking so that many of the down and out breweries pick up their share while you enjoy drinking.

Movies in the Bay Area (SFO)

[NOTE: This was the situation during 1999-2000, any resemblance in today's world is purely co-incidental although the plots of the movies still remain the same]

There's a famous quote: "One who breaks a resolution is a monkey and one who makes a resolution is a foolish monkey." Last week, when I saw a new Tamil movie I came to know that 99% per cent of our problems are self-made by going to lousy movies and is not thrust upon by God. So I resolved not to see any more movies until next weekend or Friday whichever comes first.

This week I went (without breaking the resolution) to a movie titled which I can't remember but was the first line of a song that was a hit 4 days back on SUN TV Top 10 chart. Couldn't I ask for a better deal on a Friday evening and having to drive around 25 miles to get there to the theater? Anyway the ride was quiet thrilling since we had broken roughly 168 rules in around 143 countries (but none on Indian road context) to get there on-time.

We reached quiet early considering the fact that the show had already started and we missed the first few slides that shows how a guy should watch a movie properly. Many thought provoking slides would be there such as "Call us - Kiran Patel & Co for any grievances with the LAPD" and "Thanks for not smoking into my Nose" and "Park anywhere except at Seat No.12" and "Meeta PAAN available for chewing and Spitting anywhere in the complex". These are a few that really add a flavour to the movie.

Finding parking slots for the car is so tough that actually we could get a weekend holiday at Martha Vineyard but never a parking slot at any Indian theater complex. Thank god that we don’t have those 1,04,677 instruction given by the parking lot assistants on the angle which we park our cars at Devi theater (In US this area could only hold 20 cars while it holds 4,578 Maruthi 800s). Seating numbers are not there and hence it’s on a First-Come-First-Severed basis. We have never been early because my roommate for whom the famous quote: "Be punctual and get good seats in the theater" is never applicable. We always find ourselves in the first row watching the movies 3.142 (22/7) times bigger than what the last row guy is able to view.

Entering the theater after a 30-min American Gladiator's show for locating a parking slot, the second game begins. The WWF style called the "World-Wide-Fight" for getting a chance to enter the complex on the day the show is screened. It’s not often that you call something as co-incidence when it’s been repeated for 235 times within 45 days. The complex authorities inconspicuously shut all the doors and allow just a small gap through which moviegoers for 5 shows have to get in exactly within 5 minutes time interval. This in mathematical terms relates to CHAOS and in normal terms "Survival of the Fittest". I am always lucky since my friends are really huge and bulky that I flow along with their performance of the "Push the crowd for gap" play.

Since the time of the Neanderthals, man has been trying to find easy ways of locating seats in the theater. Take for example, Locatiuos Impendimentix (the greatest spectator at the coliseum) never in his 25 years experience as a spectator, has found his seat at the first go. It was perhaps for this reason that the English men invented the compass and now with G-Shock watches that carry a compass, we still shall figure out how to remain from getting lost while searching for a seat.

Guess that GOD, just to keep those late comers on their toes always, created the theater seats without numbers. The major agony is in you finding a seat that is exactly at the opposite end of the complex and getting there you find a 2 year old or a 4 feet fellow occupying the seat. Even more agonising is if the occupant is sleeping.

OK, let’s come back to the movie by assuming you follow my method of getting a seat

1. Walk into the center and shout "Asha! Are you there"? An answer yes would come, even if she weren't Asha.
2. Move towards that direction, and tell her that her Grandfather has just called her at the reception.
3. Take the seat and put on the partial amnesia look on the face.

If this method does not work, follow the fail-safe way; go to the first row which for all purpose is free at anytime of the day.

How can one forget not to mention about the chairs in the theater, even though it may be the US of A. An Indian theater has to maintain the same ambiance and authenticity of a local complex. The chairs shall be painstakingly decorated (No, wait for me to complete - not upholstery) with many key scratches with braining chilling phrases such as "I love Lucy" or "I love [Your wife's name] " or "&$*(%))^**$^#" (Roughly translated into English means some un-lady words). Well, any movie that you see in these complexes makes you feel like you are watching "The Hand that Rocked the Cradle". If the person on one of the extremes were to shake their pelvic girdle a little, the whole row moves in the same fashion like a Mexican Wave at the Eden garden cricket ground.

I really don’t want to touch on the story of the movie. You know that its always a Boy meet Girl and boy fall in love with her and in the second half the families don’t agree and finally LOVE wins and the couple lives happily ever after. The only difference is that the characters are changed for every other movie. Although I have tired every bit of what the hero does in the movies but I still haven't found one girl. The only thing that I got was few finger marks on my cheeks.

Let us get back to the finesse points for watching a movie better. In case you do whistle, its better you sit separately since many people come to the movie to actually see it with full attention as though the second world war is rewritten with the Vikings winning over the Nottinghamshire county sheriff. Then, there are those who wished somebody would whistle so that they could vent their anger (due to his wife) at somebody else. Finally, there is only one fellow, probably the guy with whom you came, to accompany you in this act. At this point, I understand you make a very serious decision in your life, whether to whistle at the movie or the guy whose wife was angry the previous hour. My guess which way you would go using my past experiences (of fingers on the cheeks) would be to remain silent.

Albeit, the complex is said to be nicotine free, the songs are the moments when one eases their tension and go out for a drag … Oops sorry that’s in Indian theaters only. Here, they go to a small cabin in which even trying to get a small container of condensed milk is quiet tough, but you have to be there inside to smoke. Nevertheless you can spit anywhere since they showed you a slide in the beginning of the movie.

This vicious circle between the smokers and the producers in the late 1800s produced what in today's terms called "A SONG". It's also mandatory for the producers to keep the song just around 5 min, no more or no less. This was due to the results of some scientific experiments conducted at Pokhran during the nuclear development program.

The second time when you feel that any number more than 2 is called a crowd is found just when the credits for the movie are screened in the end. It’s the same people who stood 45 min at the counter for tickets and see a lousy movie for 2.5 hours and still can't afford to wait for 15 min to let all the people outside without chaos. Since early time, when Romans built the first talkies, it's been like this. This is evident from the fact while looking at one of the stone tabloids in which it states that "Please leave one by one - Last time the death count was MC IV XCI III".

So it's not new for the latest man to do these types of chaos. One small hint, never follow somebody who is twice as big as you since you can't see what peril that is waiting in front of you. There is a very high probability that he may stamp your feet with a leg that weighs the same as those anchors used in SS Titanic.

PS: Don’t stamp on his girl’s feet else you will be embossed with 5 finger imprints on your cheeks.