A Practical Guide To Buying A PC

Ever since man descended from the trees to a cave, the Computers have fascinated him. The earliest computer consumer were the Neolithic cave man who ordered a Pentium III but unfortunately the shipping industry had not been so advanced and it took them 25,000 years to ship the machine and another 4,500 years for the Mouse and Multimedia kit to arrive. By that time, the hardware industry had advanced so much that the computers became obsolete within 2 hours of buying them. Hence, the problem for a consumer when purchasing a PC has been long there in history and this has made me write a document which shall help them in achieving their GOAL - Buy a PC that will be outdated within 35 nanoseconds from the time of purchase.

This fact that consumers want to buy a PC has been seen from various incidences such as the Cockroaches in my house which are using Lap-Tops to identify their meals and identify sewage lines that are blocked so that they can build their colony. You wouldn’t believe it when the other day, a cockroach sent me an Instant Message using Yahoo Messenger saying "Hi Vasu! It's high time you change your Processor from x486 to Pentium IV". Of course I am not aware of the latest developments in this issue of how the cockroaches get these messages before I read it in the PC magazines. Anyway let me see where I can start first.

Everybody would have some kind of a budget that they would have fixed…is that right? Yeah! Then here is a sample conversation that is sure to happen when you try to find your budget …

YOU: "Sir, I suppose I can afford some thing in the tune of Rs.45,000/= and no more"
SALES PERSON: "Then Sir, I suppose I can look out for a system in the price range of Rs.50,000/= and onwards?"
YOU: "Sir, I said I can afford only Rs.45,000/= and no more"
SALES PERSON: "Right Sir, I shall accept Rs.50,000/= and onwards- Is it fine with you?"

One thing is far sure that these Salesmen don’t ever listen to you, so forget those figures as they will be out-dated within seconds just like in the Stock markets. So kindly use my formula for finding your budget.

1. Take your Annual salary and multiply it by 7. (Don’t ask me why 7, but seems to be a good number to me.)
2. Now add your Provident Fund, Pension for 12 years and the surplus income of Shahrukh khan from "kaun Banega Crorepathi-II"
3. Subtract 1000 * (Number of children) - Opssss!!! Sorry wrong formula, subtract just 200

This amount is exactly what you can afford at the present moment but unfortunately you may need three times more money to purchase a decent model. Hence, you need someone as computer literate like me to help you in reducing the unwanted costs in your machine. Many consumers are so attached to the TV that they forget all things about the real product and just go endorsing the models, forgetting the unwanted costs.

This brings me to an important part in this document, NO - not a commercial break you stupid, details about the various models that are available in the market. They are as follows:

Causal Consumer Model: This model includes all that you thought you needed for you to just see the Windows Start-Up picture. Of course, the items included in this model is just for basic needs and all other essential components such as a Key Board, Mouse, RAM, ROM etc are all called as Accessories.

Semi-Literate Consumer Model: Some of those classified as Accessories in the above option come into the basic and still you will not be able to move beyond the Windows Start-Up screen since there is no Space left in the RAM. This type of machines can be used for making AD films, on shop windows and at Police Control towers at Parliament house for vigilance against terrorist attacks.

Executive Model: This machine has all the software and hardware but shall execute only certain software such as MS-Excel, MS-Word and Screen Savers. For any other software not listed in the catalogue, the system shall throw an error "Call you sub-ordinate". For example, To develop a B2B portal with BizTalk and Java is your requirement the system shall suggest to you "Hire a Java Professional not from your company" or "Cut-n-Paste sample codes from www.amazon.com". This is ideally suited for software project manager and posts above them.

Practical Model: This has a wide range of options and a good usability for consumers with a configuration of Pentium IV, 1 GB DDR Ram, 80 GB Hard disk with internet connection installed but the only problem is that you won't be able to afford it. (I am saying this because you used my method of calculation) and if one was available in the price range, it shall be a piece that had been ordered in 1856 by someone in the East India Company.

When you enter the shop and see millions of combinations of the above 4 types, I know for sure that your head will spin. So to choose from these options you got to have information from some one who is well informed and reliable like ME. Ask why you may want to choose me? Here is the answer.

Enquire with any of the salesperson and he shall always say "Memory, Memory, Memory" as the most important criteria to look for. Why believe this statement, go and check with them in person. For example, ask him "Who is the Chief Justice of India?" and he shall answer "Memory, Memory, Memory". Which brings you to the decision that never take care too much of what the salesperson convey and rely on your natural instincts which may fail you more often than not.

So far so good, you have chosen ME against the salesperson (concluded since you are reading beyond this paragraph). Now I have to guide you as to what you look for in a system. In the computer world, there are 2 kinds of system and my guess is that you may need only one of them. To correctly identify the system and test it, here are some examples from the Master himself:

When your Keyboard is not showing the letter "E" when you type it
BAD WAY: Start using *#$#%&* words when it doesn’t work.
GOOD WAY: Replace the letter "E" with "Q". Even then if it doesn’t work, use the bad way.

When the mouse pointer doesn’t move when you move the mouse
BAD WAY: Try hitting it with a 10 Kg. iron hammer.
GOOD WAY: Replace the one with your neighbour.

When the Multimedia kit doesn’t work properly while playing a Britney Spears CD
BAD WAY: Try to sing the songs yourself.
GOOD WAY: Ask your neighbour to sing until the repairman comes to attend it.

Most of the salesperson advocates that the 64MB RAM is the real bottleneck in any system and the only solution is to increase it to 32GB by paying Rs.17,000 more. For a lay man (perfectly fits you) this is what you can infer, a MB means "Mainly Bad" and to make it work we have to shift to GB i.e. "Getting Better" and perhaps you have to wait for a technology like TB "The Best" and till then you are stuck with the MB/GB only.

Now that you know some overall know-about of the system, let’s move on with finding a system to your liking. Mostly it’s the salespersons job to take you for a ride but for a change I am doing it now. The salesperson normally takes you through 2,587 brochures and 1,284 catalogues in which none of the items look different to you; it looks like a catalogue of wines to choose from in a French restaraunt. This leads you to get fed up and start your own computerised search by closing your eyes and picking the model randomly.

No, that’s not the right way to do, so let’s perform a computer research. The computer search list is really very tough to understand since they use too many TLA. (TLA means Three Letter Acronyms). So, here are some of the important TLAs that you need to know before you enter the search domain.

WWW = World Wide Wait
WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
HTML = Highly Torturous & Monotonous Language
MODEM = Mostly Obscene & Derogatory Exchange Medium
GOOGLE = Good Only On Giant Like Enterprises
MSN = More Stupid Nuisances

Now, this is the penultimate step and you have to filter out the 12850934 search results on the computer-generated list that matches your criteria. Of course, you will have to consult someone for help. This is what shall happen in reality if you consult.

YOU: "Shall we take that system with Pentium IV with 40 GB hard disk?"
WIFE: "No that’s in a very contemporary style; I prefer that one with a Velvet Finish"
YOU: "No my dear, that’s the Computer Assistant"
WIFE: "Nevertheless he is far better than you, we shall take him"
SALES PERSON: "No Madame, He is already taken by that lady in the corner, I suggest you go for the premiere model".
YOU: "NO SIR, we shall still take that system with Pentium IV with 20 GB hard disk?"

After this discussion you would have narrowed down your choice to a few dozens and your rather small head shall be filled with all kinds of figures and shapes of different models. At this point even if your child were to ask you "Dad, what's the problem in Iraq right now?", you would answer "It's that stupid 32MB RAM that’s the problem sweetie pie". Such is the state your mind that you may need to look into the finer details before you select the system.

Finally I shall tell you (something technical at last) how to look at the finer details of a system and what to look and how to look more importantly. Let's start at the base of all the systems, the Hard Disk.

Hard Disk: This is the most important piece in any computer system since without it the system will work extremely well until you need to say your chat session window. In fact there is a German saying that "A dog without a tail is similar to a gullydesuchetewtieshaudiporshe without a municheswaederthsikeush". I used the German proverb since saying anything with some "sh", "w", "dth" in random order seems to make some big meanings to a dumb reader like you. The best way to choose this item is to just close your dog’s eyes and throw a bunch of disk and whatever the dog brings back is suitable. (NOTE: Be sure to have trained your dog to retrieving things thrown)

Processor: This is the most intelligent part in your system. Having told you that it's intelligent, it shall always wait for some important time and then show its true colours. Say for example, 10 seconds before your presentation to the CEO office or when you are making a Belated Birthday card for your wife it will conk out. That’s why you should always rely on your basic instincts and not on the manufacturers for creating a belated card. Anyway for the job which you propose to do, even an abacus would be sufficient.

Power Supply: This is a piece that every one shall know and is called as the FEUL for the system. So you have to know something about this item. Normally to test it, I recommend that you don’t use your wet hand for testing it but rather use your Dog's tail for more accurate results. Before testing be sure that the dog is vaccinated else don’t blame me for not warning you well before hand. Normally they use some name called VOLTS to check for it but they may also refer to another term named AMPS and also another term called WATT. Frankly speaking I think that all this jumbo jargons are just to keep the lay man from opening the cabinet and finding that it’s only a matter of few electrons. The electrons move producing VOLTS and there is a huge bag of electrons inside the unit. The electrons have a comfortable life since there are FANS, SINKS etc.

Now that you know something about computers I recommend to you to close this window and immediately fix an appointment with a salesperson and get going in your way to buy a computer before that model becomes obsolete.

PS: Careful, your wife is still looking at that computer assistant.