What is Stupid Driving?

What I am going to tell you told will surely make your blood boil – You will never understand what I witnessed on the roads last week. This highway NH-47 very popularly known as “GST road”, a highway which has more potholes than road, is a proud home for the country’s most dammed drivers.

Of course I realize that this is a point of honour for every citizen of India, but let me say it’s not worth the feeling. I know that you are wonders “What NH-47? Have you REALLY seen some of my [Print your City Name here] drivers?”

Listen, take a KitKat (Motto: It doesn’t bend, it breaks) and try to cool yourself. You have to understand that I am quiet experienced in this domain – identifying rash drivers. I am sure that your city has equal number of homicidal morons and muffs as down here but I have witnessed what is not so normal in other parts of the country.

Also I know what I am talking about (Really? S-L-A-P let’s get back to the topic). I have driven or practically experienced driving conditions in every major Indian city including Howrah where every motorist’s main aim is to pick up speeds reaching MACH 2 as though the draw bridge is just about to open and they need to clear it at all cost.

I have also driven in Bombay (Motto: Anyone from other states, follow us), where there is only one traffic law, which is that no driver may ever be behind any other driver, the result being that at all times, all the motorists in the city, including those in funeral processions, are simultaneously trying to pass each other.

I have ridden in a taxi in the Kerala city of Mananthavady (literally, ``Cover your eyes and pray for GOD''), where (a) nobody ever drives slower than 65 Kmph, including inside hotel parking lots, and (b) at night, many motorists drive with their headlights off, because-a taxi driver told me this, and he was absolutely serious-this extends the life of your bulbs. (When he told me this, we were in a major traffic jam caused by an accident involving a truck and a big adult elephant.)

I have also ridden on a bus in Bangalore (Motto: One billionaire per Sq. Kilometre), ploughing through humongous traffic snarls involving trucks, cars, bicycles, auto, bullock carts, IT professionals and pedestrians, all aggressively vying for the same space, and where the bus driver would sometimes physically push pedestrians out of the way. I don't mean with his hands. I mean with the BUS.

So my point of view is that, I have seen enough of crazy driving on the road, nevertheless of the insane driving techniques of our country I feel for a fact that no place than “Thambaram” brings together the craziness and ridiculousness of reckless driving. This is a place where even the RED light signal has no more significance than e-filling your tax returns. The police morale has gone so down that they would let you off a hit-and-run incidence with a warning if it is for the first time.

So after all this, you are asking what my point is. Well, the other day I saw this person. Rather I heard him first before seeing him. His car stereo was half the size of King Kong and had a sound producing capacity of 2 nuclear generators which are detonating in rhythm. I particularly felt the bass notes since couple of bicyclist were flying around the place as he sped past them.

I am today here (literally: Typing in front of you) because I tried getting out of his path, but there was no way I could locate his path. He was weaving back and forth across five lanes (out of a possible two).

Fortunately he missed me and three other fourteen year old trees but I got a glimpse of him driving with his hands on his head and his stomach steering the vehicle. He was watching a video of Danush film (literally: I do not have anything better to do) installed on the place where usually other cars have their SUN visors. Yes, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE, blocking the entire view of the road.

I don’t want to sound like an OLD whiff, but I myself think it’s a bit crazy steering without a view and is very hazardous for the environment. I remember my first lesion in learning to drive – WATCH the ROAD.

My guess is that with today’s smarter phones and technology, more and more drivers have no time for viewing the road condition and have more important activities such as busy making phone calls, eating, reading, changing CDs, putting on makeup, brushing their teeth, changing baby diapers etc. Of course these drivers are often safe since they have a chance, from time to time, of viewing the road. Whereas this guy I saw on NH-47 could only see DANUSH and nothing but DANUSH. Imagine his mental state.

I hope you agree with me now on my initial point.

I also hope that you are not reading this in your CAR.

Driving Distractions

One of these days, the police are going to pull me over for driving erratically during peak hour traffic. They will suspect that I am driving while intoxicated, but he will be wrong. In fact, I will be driving being a HOT tea-pot.

I am often a HOT teapot while driving. This is because when my 24-month-old daughter is in the car, she demands to hear her favourite CD, ''Traditional Children's Songs From Hell.'' At least that's what I know it as. It's one of those CDs with those old songs that we are required by the Education Expert (Play school teacher)  to expose our children to, because they enhance the brain development of the child. 

Consider ''Old McDonald.'' It starts out fine: ''Old McDonald had a farm.'' But then it goes to ''E-I-E-I-O,'' as though the lyricist had a bunch of extra vowels he needed to use before the typewriter stops functioning with the vowels. Let me say, how hard it is for some person (not you) to come up with a rhyming word for farm.

Here are my alternatives:

1.     And Theresa bit of his left arm

2.     He had 6 sheep to keep him warm

3.     Since he had no money, there was NO harm

But ''Old McDonald'' is every Child’s ''Messiah'' compared with 'Here we go round the Mulberry bush,' a song apparently written by somebody with a severe case of attention deficit disorder, as we see by the highly informative first verse: ''Here we go round the Mulberry bush!

The Mulberry Bush

The Mulberry Bush

The Mulberry Bush

The Mulberry Bush

On a Cold and Frosty Morning.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS: 1. Is it a Mulberry Bush? 2. Where is it? I am forced to listen to these brain-enhancing songs constantly when I drive with her. I'm so used to hearing them that sometimes I'll be halfway to my office, the phrase gets stuck in your mind: ``The wheels on the bus go round and round! Round and round! Round and round!'' when suddenly it dawns on me: She is not in the car. I can play my own music, with intelligent lyrics! (Note: Tamil Film Songs are not far away from the above)

The biggest problem with children's educational songs is that many of them call for actions on the part of the listeners. Most daughters, are very strict, expects everybody to perform these actions along with them. So if we're listening to ''Johny Johny Yes Papa'' and she notices that I'm using my arms for some frivolous activity such as steering or honking, she will repeat, ''Daddy do it! Daddy do it!'' until I let go of the wheel and wave my hand for "Eating Sugar NO papa". I have been so much trained now-a-days that I have started steering with my stomach.

But the worst song, from a driving standpoint, is ''Where Is Thumbkin?'' This is the one where you sing about, and display one at a time, the various fingers on your hand: Thumbkin, Ring Man, Pointer, etc. As you can imagine, this can create misunderstandings in traffic when your fellow female motorists see you holding up Thumkin.

It’s for this purpose that I want someone to BAN these songs for the next 20 years so that I can drive in peace. In case you want my support I will willingly do it – “This is the way to CLAP your HANDS, CLAP your HANDS, CLAP your HANDS”.

My Son's Driving Turns Me Neurotic

My sons learning to drive and he is really terrific. He is just 4 years old.

Well every parent would love to see their kids learn to drive as long as the vehicle which they drive is manufactured by Fisher-Price and moves in pace with a mega serial. One thing which is safe is that the Fisher-Price set comes with toy Fisher-Price people who are unlikely to swear when you are driving rashly.

Technically from the perspective of a parent, there is no difference between 4 and 18 year except that when is 4 you have more control over him while he is driving his Fisher-Price manufactured Ferrari. Recently when I looked into my driving license I found that according to the law, whenever your child reaches 18 he is allowed to apply for a license and drive an actual car on the actual road with an actual speed of 60 KMS. This puts a big shrill down my bone marrows since I keep seeing him drive, on a daily basis, between the bed room and the kitchen.

According to the law, when my son is 18 he shall be allowed to drive a vehicle with a restriction that he be accompanied by another person (preferably over 40) who has a valid driving license and is not Salman Khan. [I rather let my son drive on the road and kill people than drive on the foot path.] So I request the government to make this restriction a bit stricter by saying that he can drive along with a co-driver, 2 Supreme Court judges, my mother-in-law and a child surgeon.

This is not to hint that my son drives badly but the actual people on the road are worse. My son today follows all laws which are prescribed in the driving learner’s manual and I am afraid. He drives at correct speed; shows hand signals, slows down while turning and honks at my wife while crossing the kitchen etc. My worry is what if my son starts to believe in the manual and tries to replicate this in the real world?

Motorists in Madras believe in some sort of a black magic curse would fall upon you if you follow the driving code and display speeds ranging from Formula 1 to Concorde even while trying to park in a busy shopping mall. If this is not a deterrent to you then I wonder how all these drivers receive calls on their cell phone only when they drive, perhaps their wives are calling them to give instructions on how to come back home. “Swerve left and hit the auto out of the road; turn immediately to the right, 2nd flat is our house, B-A-N-G … The Green one is a garbage lorry you hit, I am wearing a RED dress”.

Veteran Chennai drivers like me precisely know who to go about this system. For instance it is OK to park in the middle of the road; to rush after the Red signal has come. It’s OK to go through the RED as long as you can remember when it was YELLOW. Never to follow an auto-rickshaw because following his wheel makes your head spin. How is my son going to learn all these tricks?

What worries me a lot is that, he may want to drive one day (guessing from his passion for speed in his current Ferrari). My urgent requirement is that there be some kind of a summer camp between school holidays where in they teach you these tiny driving tips which will save many parents from becoming neurotic patients while watching their kids drive. I hope some event managers are reading this piece and start thinking in those directions while I stop typing since my son is approaching me in his Bulldozer @ 250 MPH

Note: Fisher-Price Bulldozer manual says it’s advisable to drive to a maximum of 10 MPH only.

Further Note: The bulldozer is driven by trained child drivers below the age of 4. Never try this at your home.

A Drive in Chennai Traffic

“No one realizes how beautiful it is to drive in traffic until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.” – Anonymous

To drive in any other city than in Chennai is great, because here you can drive only if you violate roughly around 186 rules in the driving handbook. This is how I go everyday to my office, which is roughly 20 KMS from my home. Sit back, relax and enjoy yourself on this roller coaster ride which I normally undertake.

To start with, there is only one main rule of driving in Chennai that operates on the fact that you are the best and leave the rest to the insurance company. This is due to the road condition, which is a clear example of Darwin’s theory – “Survival of the Fastest”.

The male protagonist of this story, my driver, goes in with a set algorithm. He usually starts in the left unless it’s occupied. In that case he tries to go to the right, unless that is also occupied. If both are occupied he goes for the center. Then he proceeds by occupying the next available slots in the road, as in a chess game. He does not believe in my back seat driving ability and firmly relies on his instincts and ascertains the direction and proceeds without any damage.

We would have traveled just 50 meters into the road when a pedestrian comes from nowhere. Blowing the horn is not a sign of protest in some courteous cities like New York but in Chennai it is used for almost all emotions such as expressing joy, resentment, frustration, romance, driving with your neighbour’s wife, no reason and finally to wade away a herd of buffalos in the middle of the road.

This pedestrian causes my car to slow down or rather come to a screeching halt. Speaking of which, there are 2 types of speed breakers you find once you hit the road. First of them is the innocent pedestrians, bi-cyclist, auto rickshaws and potholes. The second type are the man made speed breakers. Before I start about the first type, let me finish of with the man-made speed breakers. Providing a “speed breaker”, roughly 2 per house, has prevented rash and fast driving in residential areas. This mound incidentally not only slows down the automobiles speed, but also BREAKS most of the chassis of the vehicle. Perhaps that’s the reason for naming it a “Speed Breaker”.

The first type of breaker that you encounter in Chennai is the Auto rickshaw. The autos carry iron rods, gas cylinders, passengers or all of them. During rush hours (i.e. when I leave for office) we first meet the auto. The autos, after careful geometric calculations, are stuffed with school children carefully folded and loaded with some of them barely in contact with the vehicle. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage to the bag (I can’t say the same regarding the child). The auto drivers follow only one driving rules that were depicted in the film Ben Hur and have a license to irritate any other vehicle that comes in its way.

The bi-cycles are a less pain than the autos but do cause the same effect – jamming your brakes. Also after a while, people don’t expend their energy in swearing at these creatures that never care even to listen to them in the first place. The next vexation comes from the busses, which are an absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings causing the bus to defy laws of gravity but obey the laws of surface tension. The only rule that my driver follows is to stay three buses width away, which means I am well behind the moving traffic.

If this weren’t adventurous journey to you, then there are a few roads that I have to go. They are named as ONE-WAY streets, which for all-purpose is a fully functional Bi-Directional traffic. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at the same time. So choose the direction as you please. Hence, don’t take the meaning literally and follow the sign, you are better off by following the man before you.

Having finished talking about the major speed breakers, the next obstacle for speed is the Potholes. Roughly 80% of the cities in the world have roads, which have potholes. Here in Chennai it is better if you have a board saying “Caution: Road Ahead”. All that you have here are bits of road in between potholes. Drivers have to be really acumen in trying to avoid the roads and ride on the potholes.

The most deadly obstacle that you can ever meet in Chennai is the one named as “Lord of Death – Yama” or in common man’s term “Water Tankers”. It may the speed of the vehicle or the laden weight of it, but will surely crush a giant Brontosaurus on impact. The break system of these tankers work in direct proportionality to the size of the opposite vehicle, if you are driving a motorcycle then you can’t even think of the tanker decelerating at 25cms/minute with its course in line with your bike. These tanker drivers I presume have no use for their eyes. Perhaps they are getting trained personally by P.C.Sorcar (magician) to find out what is your license plate number blindfolded while driving.

If you are wondering why there is so much of chaos between 8-10AM and 5-7PM, then here is the answer. This is the only time that a police constable gets to go to their home or have Tiffin or Dinner. The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' and ‘FREEDOM OF SWEARING’ which is enshrined in our constitution to protect the rights of a mad driver.

Through this time I have managed to travel 10 KMS and consumed 45 minutes in my watch. This equation makes my driver a bit tensed and results in landmark judgments like if you can’t beat them join them. My driver shuts of his antennas thereby ignoring my comments about his driving and drives just like everyone else so that we reach the office with an ETA (Expected Time of Arrival) of 1 hour and has done it safely till today.(Source: I am alive and typing)

Having said all these, one thing still bewilders me is that HOW come we have a lesser accident rate and road accident related deaths in Chennai than in New York or San Francisco – Some things can’t be answered. Perhaps like the X-Files, the “Truth is OUT there”.