Old Proverbs In A New Bottle

Every culture has a collection of wise sayings that offer advice about how to live your life. These sayings are called "proverbs". Usually, it takes time for these sentences to become a part of that culture. Hence proverbs are always known as old.

Since today’s generation has no time to get into this Proverbs, idioms, and phrases I set out to create more meaningful proverbs for today’s scenario by taking the old one.

Let me know your comments – 

1. A pepper spray keeps the molesters away
2. All the online offers is not Sale
3. A novice and his data are soon parted
4. Always put the best profile online
5. An empty manager makes more money
6. A backup in time saves nine
7. Don’t judge a person by his profile picture
8. Don’t forward your own FB status
9. Cash is thicker than e-Payments
10. Best things in the Internet are Free
11. As you send eMail, so you shall receive
12. A comment is worth a thousand likes
13. A journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single click
14. The charge on the phone is only as strong as its battery
15. A remote in hand is worth two in the phone
16. A bad manager always blames his team
17. All good online sales come to an end
18.  Privacy is in the hands of the beholder
19. Good contents cannot be viral
20. Cyber-hack killed the cat
21. Don’t download more than what you can stream
22. Don’t put all your data in one cloud
23. Don’t put the password before the login
24. Entrepreneur rush in where Venture Capitalist fear to thread
25. Fortunes favor the start-ups
26. Give public servants an inch they will take a mile
27. Incognito is the best policy
28. If you play online, you will get broke
29. It’s no use crying over deleted data
30. Ignorance is bliss

Till the next time - it's better to be Safe (from reading these crap) than Sorry.

In The Battle Of Wits With Electronic devices, I Loose

Recently there have been many articles explaining the latest trend in electronic devices - namely how appliance manufacturers are planning to drive consumers insane.

Of course they do not say it openly in that way but what they are meaning to say is that they are planning to have all the appliances in your home (that's correct, the place where you live) connect to the internet and share information. In short this is called the Internet of Things or IoT in the long form.

What does it mean for an ordinary consumer is that going forward all the appliances are going to be smarter than you. For example, you would have a home where the washing machine "can be turned on from the office" and the refrigerator "knows when you are out of milk" and sends an SMS to the milkman while your bathroom shower would be transmitting (S-L-A-P dirty mind, not the pictures) your weight directly to the gym instructors.

I frankly am very sure that all the manufacturers, with all due respect to their IQ, have been smoking pot. Why would a consumer to load all the dirty clothes in his washing machine and then leave to the office to start it? Would there be any kind of career benefit that I am missing out?

Your Boss: So what are you doing now?
You: (swiping with your index finger on the phone) I'm starting my washing machine.
Your Boss: That's the sort of productivity and commitment that I want around here.

After 15 minutes when he comes back
Your Boss: Now what are you up to?
You: Flushing the toilet sir.
Your Boss: Meet me at my cabin before going home,

If this is not enough, the automobile manufacturers have woken up from their deep slumber and have joined the race. Now you can do the same things from your car. For example: while you are stuck in the traffic jam over Silk Board junction in the evening, you can start your washing machine, when you reach Forum signal (roughly 2 hours 7 minutes later) you can start boiling the milk sitting in the microwave oven.


Although it looks practical and sane, I want to place a humble request to the manufacturers. I don't want the appliances that communicate via the internet and but make them no to leak, break down every 5 days, requires 14 button presses before able to start it etc. If you are very insistent on making improvements then I would like to have a sensor shout when you have loaded the washing machine "START THE CYCLE NOW OR I'LL START LEAKING AFTER YOU LEAVE TO OFFICE"

Likewise, I do not want to own a refrigerator that knows when we are out of milk supply. We already have this kind of system since 1700s. We have this fool proof system of determining if we are out of any supply. We get shouting orders from the WIFE. Also I am not sure if any person would buy a fridge which refuses to open since you have had 4 scoops of Banana Walnut ice creams.

As far to the bathroom shower I would ask it only one thing - Are you nuts? I do not want to even transmit the weight to my own eyes, why would I want the fit-bands, bathroom scales to transmit these confidential data to the gym which I last visited sometime during the end of Second World War. Imagine this scenario if the bathroom scale sent this data to the fridge or the microwave then I would never be able to open either one of these appliances. Worst case scenario, if this data is sent to all your nearby houses - really scared correct.

I am sick of all these appliances which have sprouted in the last 5 years claiming to be smarter and have ruined our lives. The fitness band is one which tops the charts - it sends these data to your Google drive while you are asleep. This data gets reflected in all the e-commerce site which you visit and then this data will be hacked by some 12 year old juvenile kid in Israel. It then makes it to Breaking News in twitter and whats-app and finally lands back into your wife's phone as a FWD message. Do we want this to happen?

Finally let me come to the home entertainment systems - it’s been a real concern for me just to operate it. I recently bought a fully loaded featured TV set which has a remote that has 124 keys out of which I hardly use 4 buttons in which one of them is the RED button. I don't know how to use all the features of this smart TV. If I want to watch a crappy TV program I have to manage THREE remotes - one with the TV (144 buttons), one for the sound system (42 buttons) and the third (37 buttons) given by the cable set-top box guy, who apparently felt that I was short of buttons.

In order  to watch a TV program I have to manipulate around 120 keys (MIN) with helpful button names such as PIP, MTS, DSS, XVID, F5, HELP, JUMP, AIM, SHOOT, BLANK. After randomly pressing combination of buttons I search for the POWER button and press that. I feel completely relaxed. Now-a-days I stand in front of the blank TV for 20 minutes thinking of the program I want to watch and leave the room. That's how smart my TV has become - just like my kids.

Speaking of kids, they absolutely know the way to work out with these remotes and have been watching the cartoon channels for the 11 straight days without a break. So if this is the kind of smart appliances which we want to live with? Of course not - your appliances (and if possible your wife too) needs to be DUMBER than you. I am urging all of you to let the consumer appliance manufacturers know by phone, email, whatsapp, Facebook, twitter that you are going to vote NO for such devices in future.

Please act fast since your fridge and the car have already voted with a YES and the toilet flush would be sending its vote anytime now. [Source: your next door microwave oven]

2016 – The Year In Review

In the future, sane politicians – if there is any remaining, will look back on 2016 and remark “What the hell, such a long queue for the ATM?”

They have a point, over the past few months we as a nation have spent more time standing in ATM lines than we have stood for the iPhone 7 release or for Filpkart to deliver the broken Chinese products. Then there was a character named “Mejriwal” [Identity changed for protection] who constantly attacked Marendra Nodi [name also changed] for everything that failed in India including the failure of Mohenjo Daro film in the box office.

Yes we have seen enough amount of such news in the year throughout 2016 and hence I have decided to review those important happenings from January till December. Close your mind and enjoy the roller coaster ride backwards in time.

January

… Which began on a positive note of “New Year” wishes spreading across the nation but then the Supreme Court’s order banning Jallikuttu in Tamil Nadu dampened the mood of the nation and also a small herd of oxen. In the science and technology space, ISRO continued to send satellites into space with the same frequency of Mejriwal’s tweets about his self-achievements. 

In what critics cite as example of Tamil Nadu’s decreasing prestige, Sri Lankan Navy captures 100 fisherman and 10 of their boats, what makes this particularly embarrassing is that the boats were docked near Marina beach. In the health department, the WHO declared that the deadly virus Ebola has finally come to an end. The CMDA reacted to this news by releasing fresh batch of mosquitoes home grown from Mambalam which indirectly benefitted the sales numbers for Odomos.

Speaking of sales numbers in …

February

… In order to give an impression that the government is functioning efficiently, the “Make in India” campaign was inaugurated. As a first initiative, most of the new channels started to make their own fake news and tried to race ahead in the TRP ratings.  The Lakshar group which had a long break since November last year decided to infiltrate across the LOC border as a regular routine. This attempt was thwarted by the Indian BSF forces with ease since the infiltrators were dressed like Navjoth Sidhu and made a lot of sense in their conversations. The union railway budgets was presented and live telecasted with a total viewership of 17 people, the second lowest after Big Boss season 6. The focus of the railway budget was more on rail safety which came after Salam Khan hinted at his desire to drive a train in the future.

The entire union budget was presented by the finance minister, dedicated to the farmers who were busy committing suicides across India. In world news, the powerful G8 countries announce a new cease fire for Syria which was broken in the next 8 days. In education department, the University of Texas, Austin has issued a notice that students can carry a gun provided they attend the classes first. In the department of cricket, BCCI was busy counting their multibillion dollars account from media telecast rights and producing minefields as pitches for the home test series.

Speaking of media rights in …

March

… Air India operated the World’s longest all women non-stop flight from Delhi to San Francisco with a total of 5 passengers including 2 senior citizens. ISRO continued to send satellites to orbit with a budget that is half of a flopped Bollywood movie starring SRK.  Continuing in movie news, Sanjay Dutt leaves Pune prison eight months before his actual release since he hardly stayed 5 days in a month.  In the law department, parliament passes the Aadhar Bill act in which makes people think it is as a Sadhar Card. The only use for this card is to gain access into movie theaters.

The UN adopts a new resolution on North Korea as they test Hydrogen bomb. This is a routine every year and the entire world ignores the resolution. The British PM announces calls for a referendum on EU exit in June hoping Brittan’s population will vote in a sane manner. What everyone wonders is  these are the same people who follow Lady Gaga with loyalty. Locally the Supreme Court for their part delivers many landmark judgments affecting citizens from various states including the north east.

Speaking of judgments in …

April

… West Bengal recorded 80% more voter turnout than for the movie Puli (*ing Vijay). The government in an effort to increase jobs inaugurates the “Start-up India” program where the entire venture capitalist money was siphoned by Flipkart. In a bid to create greater chaos in the roads of Delhi, the local government introduces the odd-even vehicle scheme again. Wanting to be in the limelight, the Supreme Court restores president rule in Uthrakhand, which is also termed as a landmark judgment by all the news channels.

In the royal news, the world’s oldest royal monarch in Britain turns 90 who celebrates the occasion by wearing a large hat and smiling grimly at horses. In sports, for a change the West Indies men and women teams win the ICC T20 championships after a period of 300 years.

Speaking of Championships in …

  

May

… The Liquor champion of India Vijay Mallya resigns as Rajya Sabha member and escapes to London to avoid arrest. 80% voter turnout was recorded in West Bengal’s 15^th phase of voting. It has come to a stage where people have forgotten when the election started and when the results would be out. Women power was witnessed in WB and TN elections where Didi and Amma were finally declared winners. Just to make sure that the Election Commission was making the elections fair, they scrap 2 constituencies in TN due to “Cash for Votes” reason.

Over 20,000 files pertaining to the Panama papers are properly filed with the government and then happily forgotten by everyone. This filing of these papers causes havoc in the stock market as the Sensex reaches the peak and is waiting for Amitabh Bachan to fall sick to nose dive. In the US, Donald Trump declares his intention to run for presidency which causes the Nasdaq to nose dive. Back in town, the Supreme Court in another landmark judgment releases the 2 Italian marines since the jail ran out of supply of pastas.

Speaking of running out in …

June

… Congress is running out of ideas on how to make Garul Randhi [name changed on request] look intelligent. ISRO sends 20 satellites in one go via their PSLV launch pad, TN people wish ISRO sends all of Danush’s movies into orbit so that the Vijay TV viewers are spared of the reruns. A new juvenile law has been introduced to treat juveniles as adults and people are thinking could they have Salman Khan tried under this law. CBI is still pondering with their most intriguing case “Who killed Sheena Bora?”

In Sweden, the entire country rejects a proposal by the government to pass a bill with right for everyone to have a basic income. This may be the main reason why Indians don’t flock to Sweden for work visa as much as they try for the US. Briton votes to exit from the EU and as usual the professional pollsters (those wearing ties and suits) have confidentially predicted the exact opposite result are now shaking their heads in disbelief. In local royal news, the Mysore’s young King Wadiyar marries a Rajasthan royal family and Shilpa Shetty is annoyed that she was not invited for this grand function.

Speaking of functions in …

July

… The Light Combat Aircraft “Tejas” is introduced into the army and Pakistan is still in denial of India’s capabilities. The Hizbul commander Burhan Wani is shot dead in an encounter and the entire valley is under tense situation due to Amir Khan’s fear of growing intolerance. The second reactor in Kudankulam nuclear facility attains criticality which leads to immediate power cuts all through southern Tirunelveli. The power cuts were later found to be that the technicians had placed actual fishing rods instead of the Fission rods into the reactor.

NASA’s solar powered Juno spaceship, costing $1.1 billion enters the Jupiter orbit only to find no existence of life on that planet. Due to this news, the entire Hollywood industry starts a series of science fiction depicting alien life in Jupiter and they repeatedly attack NY and LA areas in particular. An IAF aircraft from Chennai to Port Blair gets lost immediately after leaving the air-base while the air traffic controller has no idea where the craft has gone. The theory is that the controller was watching YouTube Video of Oh My God (OMG) while the aircraft disappeared from the screen.

Speaking of watching videos in …

August

…  The Chennai-Salem train which was carrying 226 wooden cases of soiled notes was stolen by thieves entering through the roof top. The police are combing the area for clues while the security guards were watching “The Great Train Robbery” movie online. In local politics, the AIADMK expels its Rajya Sabha MP since she bought a bad name to the party by attending the LS sessions regularly.  While this event is going on, the entire Lok Sabha, without the AIADMK, votes for the GST bill.

The long halted mono rail project has been taken up for discussion again in Chennai and everyone is eager to know what reason are they going to give to stop it this time around. No one knows how a 22,000 page containing details of the state-of-the-art submarine designed by the French ship builder DCNS leaked to an online site. Neither do the Tamil movie producers know how their films are leaked within 10 minutes of the film being released in theaters.

Speaking of leaks in …

September

… The Karnataka government asks their environment engineers to plug the leaks in the dam so that no extra drop of water is released from Kauvery to Tamil Nadu, the Supreme Court tries to deliver a landmark judgment but the Karnataka government decides to ignore it. The WB government returns 911 acres of farm land back to the farmers who seem to come in their Nanos to collect them while Navjoth Sidhu decides to quit from BJP owing to non-delivery of his one liner in the general party meetings.

In world politics, North Korea which was silent through this year finally decided to make a headlines by testing its biggest atomic weapon. Although this achievement is tarnished somewhat by the fact that the explosion causes the death, of the isolated nation’s lone remaining chicken. In contrast, the Chennai Metro rail phase-2 is put into action covering a huge distance of 2 Kms extra to the Airport terminal.

Speaking of inauguration in …

October

…  The Nitish Kumar government in Bihar introduces the Alcohol prohibition Act throughout the state. In a way to act responsible, the Karnataka government releases 2 tankers of water to TN. The entire portfolio of the TN government has been given to O.Paneerselvam owing to Chief Minister Jaya admitted to the hospital. The BSF kills 7 infiltrators in the borders of J&K which is business as usual for the valley region. The Pakistan news business as usual always denies the attack, including the surgical strike by the Indian army even after YouTube provides video footage of the event and Google giving us the exact GPS locations of the area.

INS Virat, the world’s oldest aircraft carrier is given a grand farewell in Cochin. In the field of science, the Japanese scientist Ohsumi wins this year’s Nobel Prize for finding out that fasting helps us live better. To top the awardees, this year’s literature award is given to American songwriter Bob Dylan for his stupendously work in shabby lyrics. In the business world, Tata & Sons sacks Cyrus which lands the news channel in mystery. There was a grand prison escape by 7 SIMI activists who were later shot by the MP police and the news channels had this as breaking news till he end of the month.

Speaking of Breaking News in …

November

…  The Delhi government goes into a breaking huddle and calls for shutting down the schools in Delhi area owing to the air pollution reaching alarming levels. On the mid-night of 8^th, the PM announced that the existing 500 and 1000 rupee notes are no longer a legal tender. Due to no cash flow, the J&K valley return to normal life as the extremists are standing in long ATM queues for their daily allowance.

The TV channels starts to give weekly announcement on the health of Jayalalitha while the Apollo hospital gives the directions for the government. The Supreme Court orders an act banning of buying fire crackers in Delhi area one week before and after Deepavali.  Opposition party’s stage bandh over demonetization but the crowds are not there due to absence of Briyani packets and cash.  In the US, Donald Trump has been elected as the 45^th president of America and has shown the world that they are also human like other democracy where crazy results are possible in elections.

In a media shakeup, Arnab Gowsami resigns from Times News following allegations that his name can be rearranged to spell “Anagrams, I bow.” To uphold nationalism, the Supreme Court passes on more landmark judgment asking all cinema halls to play the national anthem before screening the movies.  Anyone found violating this move would be forced to watch Simbhu movies the whole day without a break.

Speaking of national anthem in …

December

… The nation pays the tribute to the TN chief Minister Jayalalitha who passed away due to cardiac arrest. “Thanthi TV” had got this news the first in the air and it was truly heart breaking news. The CBI finally files a charge sheet on the Maran family in the Aircel-Marxis case after 14 years of fast paced investigation.  Cyclone Vardha turns Chennai over its head and reduces the green cover of the city by 40%. The winter session of the parliament goes without making any transaction thereby causing no change in people’s perception of the parliamentarians. The BJP forms the government in Arunachal Pradesh to end the year on a high.

How To Make Your Contents Enticing? - The Daily Zen

How To Make Your Contents Enticing? - The Daily Zen

What Does The Supreme Court Needs To Work On

We all are aware that the Supreme Court is the most SUPREME in our country and that is where many of the landmark judgements are made. Since there is a lot of cases which are very tough to handle by the lower courts are sent to the Supreme Court (Hereafter referred as SC or Suspended Capacity). What the SC does is to stay on the files as long as possible till one of the judges wakes up from his hibernation and delivers a verdict. This verdict is always reported by the media as a “Landmark judgement”. Looking for examples: The Salman Khan case.

What has this landmark judgement (henceforth referred to as LJ or Lazy Juggernaut) means to a common man is “DUH”. Perhaps with some more judgements on the 2G spectrum case, the National Herald case the common man is going to have much more powerful opinion and reaction such as “Hmmmp” or “Cha”. So in order to restore faith in the system, it is highly recommended that the SC leaves all its current cases such as “Who needs to enter Sabarimala temple” or “Should Congress be given the leader of opposition party status” and start delivering LJs on things which affect the common man.

So here are a few items which if the SC can consistently deliver LJ, then the common man would react with a “WoW” reaction.

• The maximum weight of a school going kid’s bag should not exceed 5 Kgs, which includes 2 kgs for lunch.
• Only 3 potholes are allowed for every 1 KM of road (MAIN ROADS) and 5 potholes for every 0.5 KMS of normal roads
• OMR road & Silk Board traffic jams to be named as Major Tourists Attractions in Madras & Bangalore respectively.
• Maximum of 5 TASMAC shops only possible within 3 KMs radius of any Primary school, if not present then the government needs to act promptly in setting them up (I meant the SCHOOL you stupid)
• In IT companies, employees must be able to take at least one WHFIP (Work from Home if Possible) per week.
• No more than Rs.30 to be charged extra than what the Auto Meter shows for one way travel (only applicable for Madras)
• Every person should be able to book a weekend ticket via IRCTC site at least once a month.
• No SOAP serials to go more than 220 episodes in a calendar year, only 2 sequels allowed at the MAX.
• Judges in all the reality talent shows must have had at least 1 year of formal training in the area of expertise.
• Arnab Goswami to allow all his panellist to at least finish one sentence without interrupting during the course of the debate.

Well these are a few which will really help the common man to know that the SC is working for us and really delivering LJs for us. In the meantime, they can also work on closing a case filed during the Indus Valley Civilisation by one of the cavemen that the chieftain of his tribe has misappropriated 1.76 Lakhs rock pillars and claimed it as a Zero Loss to the tribe.

IPL: Commissioner Takes Bold Steps

The IPM Commissioner for 2015 has announced today that the IPL governing team is about to take serious of bold steps after many thought provoking debates on Times Now with the slated goal of alienating the remaining hard core fans forever.

“At IPL stadiums everywhere around the country, it is too hard to get tickets for the matches. Even if we get the tickets, it’s very hard to get a decent parking slot or have to wait long queues for the restrooms” the commissioner said “All these problems have the same root cause: people. So simply put sport has too many fans”.

As part of the big strategy, the first step is to achieve contraction of fan base across all the teams playing in 2015. “We are planning to change the scoring pattern such that all the games end in a TIE. So please start watching something else like Wrestling or F1 which has more thrills” he continued.

In addition to it, it would now take nine balls for one over and the 30 yard circle the size of the ground. These game changing rules are aimed at making the average game to six hours to fill the time slots during summer. These changes along with the outlawing of run-outs & LBW not to be referred to the third umpire solely aimed to further reduce the level of popularity and also increase TV viewership to other physically demanding games such as Golf.

In addition, the commissioner said that the final 3 overs of the innings would feature a power play break with deep routed messages from Deepika Padukone or an item song by famous Bollywood actress. This step would make sure that the stadium would be vacant before the match gets over and easy for the ground staffs to prepare for the next game.

In all, there is a huge expectation from the fans that these steps would be taken as soon as possible so that the viewers can go back to old form of entertainment in the 90s: WWF wrestle-mania.

What's the Difference Between ...

This is a blog which has taken me many hours of hard work and judicious screening of materials from various sources which includes Internet, books, Junk mails, SMS et all. This is a compilation of some of the best FWD jokes which I have received in the last 10 years.

So sit back and enjoy ... What's the difference between

- Bottle of Medicine & a Doormat?
One is shaken up and taken while the other is taken up and shaken.

- A married man & a Bachelor?
One kisses the misses while the other misses the kisses.

- a barber in ancient Rome & an excited circus owner?
One is a shaving Roman and the other is a raving showman.

- the Princes of Wales & a Wimbledon tennis ball?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

- A young lady and a fresh loaf?
One is a well-bred maid while the other is a well-made bread

- A dart player and a violinist?
One finds the middle and the other minds the fiddle.

- A cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the ends of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of the clause.

- Suppandi and Double Mac burger?
One is easy to cheat while the other is cheesy to eat.

- A clock maker and a Satirist?
One makes the tick and the other takes the mick

- a Lighthouse Keeper, a thief & a pot of glue?
One watches over the seas, one seizes watches. And the pot of glue? Ah, that's where you get stuck.

Until the next set of compilations, it's bye from me.

Why is Sports a DRAG?

Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time, millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive third umpire. The decision is still pending owing to technological errors with BCCI not adhering to DRS system. What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. All I know is, whatever the reason be, Mankind is still nuts about sports. As Ravi Shastri, who may not be the most likable person in the world of cricket commentary but is certainly one of the most obnoxious, put it: "In terms of Mankind and sports, blah blah blah blah the 1985 Benson & Hedges final Blah Blah Blah"

Did you get a chance to notice how Shastri and I both use the same term "Mankind."

Womankind really isn't into sports in the same way as GUYS [Moto: Do we really need to mature?] do. Oh, I realize things have changed since my school days, when sports were considered unfeminine and the average girls' PT period consisted of 3 girls running around waving field-hockey sticks and squealing like a rat caught under the door, and another 27 girls standing on the sidelines in civilian clothing, claiming it was That Time of the school for them to relax. I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as Sareena Williams who can run like deer and bench- press Scorpio SUVs. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports that enables men to be such incredible jerks.

If you don't believe me, go to your local tennis club and observe the difference between the way men and women play. Where I play (OK used to play), the women tend to gather on the court in groups of random sizes -- sometimes three, sometimes five, as if it were a Jane Fonda workout -- and the way they play is, one of them will hit the ball at the wall, and the rest of them will admire the shot and compliment her quite sincerely, and then they all sort of relax, as if they're thinking, well, thank goodness games is over. They always seem to be surprised when the ball comes back. If one of them has the presence of mind to take another swing, and if she actually hits the ball, everybody is very complimentary as if they she has been announced the Miss Universe. If she misses it, the others all tell her what a good try she made, really, then they all laugh and act very relieved because they know they have some time to talk before the ball comes bouncing off that darned wall again. [This also proves that women are a little paranoid with Physics too]

Meanwhile, over in the next court, you will have two males wearing various knee braces and wrist bands and special anti-sweat T-shirts, hurling themselves into the walls like intoxicated oxen, and after every single point one or both of them will yell "S$#%!" in the self-reproving tone of voice you might use if you had just accidentally shot your pet dog. India men tend to take their sports seriously, much more seriously than they take family matters, or peace in South Asia.

This is why it's usually a mistake for men and women to play on teams together. I sometimes play in a co-ed tennis ball cricket league, where the rules say you have to have two women on the field. The teams always have one of the women play keeper, because in a tennis ball match the batsmen hit just about every ball, so it wouldn't really hurt you much if you had a deceased person as a wicket keeper. Our team usually puts the other woman at slip area, where the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second slip women is a pretty good cricket player, better than I am, but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over from, say, long on, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three years now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between throwing at the non-strikers end for a run-out and saving an infant's life, she would probably elect to save the infant's life, without even considering when the batsmen were going for a quick non-existent single.

This difference in attitude between men and women carries over to the area of talking about sports, especially sporting events that took place long ago. Take the 1985 World Championships. If we were to look at it objectively, we would have to agree that the outcome of the 1985 Final no longer matters. India loses every one of them periodically and scientifically. You could make a fairly strong case that it didn't really matter in 1985 itself. Women know this, which is why you almost never hear them mention the 1985 World Championship tournament, whereas you take virtually any male over age 37, and even if he can't remember which of his children has taken Hindi as a third language, he can remember exactly how Rameez Raja was stumped by an off break from Shastri, and he will take every available opportunity to discuss it at length with other males.

See that? Out there in Blogger land, you females just read right through that last sentence, nodding in agreement, but you males leaped from your chairs and shouted: "Rameez Raja wasn't stumped! Rameez was caught by SrikKanth, only Miandad was stumped!" Every male in India has millions of perfectly good brain cells devoted to information like this. We can't help it. We have no perspective. I have a friend named Inirs, name written backwards to protect his identity and the most rational person you ever want to meet, and during a Ranji match, it was a great honour for us when inirs had to collect the ball from the boundary and Kapil Dev was gesturing to throw the ball to him. The rest of us congratulated Inirs as if he'd won the Nobel Prize for physics.

 It's silly; really, this male lack of perspective and it can lead to unnecessary tragedy, such as soccer-riot deaths and the Delhi University. What is even more tragic is that women are losing perspective, too. Even as you read these words, women are writing vicious comments to this blog, expressing great fury at me for suggesting they don't take their tennis seriously. Soon they will be droning on about the importance of slower deliveries.

What is Stupid Driving?

What I am going to tell you told will surely make your blood boil – You will never understand what I witnessed on the roads last week. This highway NH-47 very popularly known as “GST road”, a highway which has more potholes than road, is a proud home for the country’s most dammed drivers.

Of course I realize that this is a point of honour for every citizen of India, but let me say it’s not worth the feeling. I know that you are wonders “What NH-47? Have you REALLY seen some of my [Print your City Name here] drivers?”

Listen, take a KitKat (Motto: It doesn’t bend, it breaks) and try to cool yourself. You have to understand that I am quiet experienced in this domain – identifying rash drivers. I am sure that your city has equal number of homicidal morons and muffs as down here but I have witnessed what is not so normal in other parts of the country.

Also I know what I am talking about (Really? S-L-A-P let’s get back to the topic). I have driven or practically experienced driving conditions in every major Indian city including Howrah where every motorist’s main aim is to pick up speeds reaching MACH 2 as though the draw bridge is just about to open and they need to clear it at all cost.

I have also driven in Bombay (Motto: Anyone from other states, follow us), where there is only one traffic law, which is that no driver may ever be behind any other driver, the result being that at all times, all the motorists in the city, including those in funeral processions, are simultaneously trying to pass each other.

I have ridden in a taxi in the Kerala city of Mananthavady (literally, ``Cover your eyes and pray for GOD''), where (a) nobody ever drives slower than 65 Kmph, including inside hotel parking lots, and (b) at night, many motorists drive with their headlights off, because-a taxi driver told me this, and he was absolutely serious-this extends the life of your bulbs. (When he told me this, we were in a major traffic jam caused by an accident involving a truck and a big adult elephant.)

I have also ridden on a bus in Bangalore (Motto: One billionaire per Sq. Kilometre), ploughing through humongous traffic snarls involving trucks, cars, bicycles, auto, bullock carts, IT professionals and pedestrians, all aggressively vying for the same space, and where the bus driver would sometimes physically push pedestrians out of the way. I don't mean with his hands. I mean with the BUS.

So my point of view is that, I have seen enough of crazy driving on the road, nevertheless of the insane driving techniques of our country I feel for a fact that no place than “Thambaram” brings together the craziness and ridiculousness of reckless driving. This is a place where even the RED light signal has no more significance than e-filling your tax returns. The police morale has gone so down that they would let you off a hit-and-run incidence with a warning if it is for the first time.

So after all this, you are asking what my point is. Well, the other day I saw this person. Rather I heard him first before seeing him. His car stereo was half the size of King Kong and had a sound producing capacity of 2 nuclear generators which are detonating in rhythm. I particularly felt the bass notes since couple of bicyclist were flying around the place as he sped past them.

I am today here (literally: Typing in front of you) because I tried getting out of his path, but there was no way I could locate his path. He was weaving back and forth across five lanes (out of a possible two).

Fortunately he missed me and three other fourteen year old trees but I got a glimpse of him driving with his hands on his head and his stomach steering the vehicle. He was watching a video of Danush film (literally: I do not have anything better to do) installed on the place where usually other cars have their SUN visors. Yes, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE, blocking the entire view of the road.

I don’t want to sound like an OLD whiff, but I myself think it’s a bit crazy steering without a view and is very hazardous for the environment. I remember my first lesion in learning to drive – WATCH the ROAD.

My guess is that with today’s smarter phones and technology, more and more drivers have no time for viewing the road condition and have more important activities such as busy making phone calls, eating, reading, changing CDs, putting on makeup, brushing their teeth, changing baby diapers etc. Of course these drivers are often safe since they have a chance, from time to time, of viewing the road. Whereas this guy I saw on NH-47 could only see DANUSH and nothing but DANUSH. Imagine his mental state.

I hope you agree with me now on my initial point.

I also hope that you are not reading this in your CAR.

Chennai To Phase Out Environment by 2020

Just days after the Tamil Nadu government announced that it would be cutting taxes on “Amma Idly” by 2015, the CMDA has announced some ambitious programs to phase out environment altogether by 2020 and this program will start from 2015.

“In addition to cutting of taxes for idly, the Chennai Metro Development Association [CMDA] (Motto: Who care, when we snare) also announced that it would cut down any tree which has been on the side path for more than 40 years with effect from tomorrow”. The CMDA spokesperson has said that they would also be cutting out wasteful and boastful environment to improve more square feet land area for all politicians to invest as SEZ.

While plans to totally annihilate the environment are still being formulated, the general strategy of those in Chennai Corporation is to phase it out gradually so that hardly anyone will notice it’s gone. Apparently they have seemed to exclude marina beach since it houses more statues than parking lots and is politically a bad decision to touch Kannagi statue.

The mayor of the city plans to eliminate all known species of Chennai (including the Mambalam Mosquitos, Anna Nagar stray cats, Saidapet black pigs, Thiruvanmiyur Java IT professionals) and also accelerate the land prices in these areas to touch 5 times that of Tokyo.

In doing so the Mayor also told that they had plans to reduce (gradually) air and water supply to Chennai metropolitan area. When asked how they plan to execute it, the spokesperson from the Mayor’s office quoted: ‘Since 2010, electricity has been successfully eradicated from the state. Did you find it out or vote us out of power in the 2014 General Elections?”

The spokesperson also added “If we had to choose between air and water, we would first choose water. After all, the gulf has been without water for years and haven’t they developed?”

Rahul May Lack Gene for Human Intelligence

A team of reputed genetic scientist have stunned the entire nation (MOTO: The nation needs an answer) today evening by disclosing its results the Rahul Gandhi may lack the gene for normal human intelligence.

This group which has been studying Rahul since the 2014 election campaign have made this startling discovery when they were studying the differences in IQ levels between humans and chimps. One of the leading scientists has quoted “We have found in his blood samples extremely high levels of Potassium which directly indicates a banana-rich diet which is rarely found in human inhabiting the Janpath road.”

 

Prompted by this clue, the group of scientist have probed much further in the DNA and found “No substantial evidence” of human intelligence. In fact they only found traces to suggest that the sample’s IQ could at most be of that of rotten cabbage.

 

From the congress party office, their spokesperson have no comments and are currently trying to blame the Rahul’s bananas are coming from the Gujarat region which may be the cause. However, the BJP have questioned this claim and have decided to boycott the next parliamentary session all together.

 

In defence of the findings, the scientist group have claimed that in their experiments they have taught a female baboon to say things such as “Women empowerment”, “RTI”, “One Minute Arnab” as their vocabulary. So they say this should not be confused with actual human speech.

 

In a related research done in Karnataka, scientist say that they have found that Dig Vijay Singh has an abnormal double-gene for human speech and this explains why it is virtually impossible to get him to shut-up. Some of the research group are also claiming that Arvind Kejriwal may have a curled gene which makes him autocratic on any matter.

 

While we are all shocked and awed by this revelation, we find that this gene is also very prominent with the Bollywood film fraternity writers, which may explain the reason for such sloppy script writings.

While on this note, let me finish my last piece of Mexican platano.

Tips On English Grammar For Young Writer

Every once in a while (i.e. 4 years 5 months and 3 days) I come up with a new idea for a blog. As it struck me this time, I wish to address some of the important burning issues with writing a blog, which is “How do I select a topic?”. No, many of them have done it before me and possible even better than mine. So in this issue, I wish to answer some of the pressing questions in English Grammar for those young writers.

Dear Mister Perfect: When is it correct to say: "between you and I"?

Ans. It is correct in the following instance: "Well, just between you and I, It is advisable that you pay the bill for today’s dinner while I leave the tips."

Dear Mister Perfect: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

ANS. I basically do not see any value addition because of this punctuation mark. The possible purpose for apostrophe is maybe to indicate that an “S” is going to be the last alphabet in that sentence. It is used mostly in business signage such as “WE DO NOT ACCEPT CREDIT CARD’S” or “MANAGEMENT NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR LOSS OF CUSTOMER ITEM’S”

Dear Mister Perfect: When do you say "who, " and when do you say "whom"?

ANS. You say "who" when you want to find out something, like for example if a friend of yours comes up and says, "What a beauty, just now witnessed a fight between the actress who lives in block-VI and your mother" you would reply: "WHO?" You say "whom" when you are in UK or you are angry (as in: "And WHOM do you think is going to clean up this mess after the party?").

Dear Mister Perfect: Like many voters, I often get confused about which party member is currently shouting in Doorknob Gowsami’s show. Can you help me out?

ANS. Here is a simple pneumatic device for telling these two similar-sounding words (or "gramophones") apart: Just remember that if they mention 1984 they are Modi supporters and if they mention 2002 then they are Congress supporters, if they mention both – they are AAP.

Dear Mister Perfect: I have a question concerning the expression: "The fact of the matter is." I would like to know whether it is preferable to say: "The fact of the matter is, Kapil Sibal’s views are not worth listening to” or: "The fact of the matter is, that Kapil Sibal is a total nincompoop."

ANS. Mister Perfect does not see any major difference.

Dear Mister Perfect: I am curious about the expression, "A complete planned food." The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Horlicks Jr" or "Chocolate Complan" and they always show the item placed on a table next to a some actual food such as idli, and the announcer always says: "A complete planned food." Don't they really mean, "Adjacent to this actual breakfast item," or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And they can actually make the same claim if, instead of Horlicks, placing a can of shaving cream there or a broken coconut shell?

ANS. Yes, good observation.

Dear Mister Perfect: What do they mean on the TV weather forecast when they say we are going to have "thundershowers possible"?

ANS. They mean we are not going to have an actual thundershower, per se, but we are going to have thundershower like climate, which looks very similar to the untrained eye.

Dear Mister Perfect: I think my wife is having an affair.

ANS. Mister Perfect wouldn't doubt you for a minute; you are in the wrong forum addressing the wrong point.

Dear Mister Perfect: Some business associates and I are trying to compose a very important business letter, and we disagree about the wording of a key sentence. My partner argues that it should be: "You better be there alone with the ransom money, or we don't want to have to break one of your limbs off." I say this is incorrect.

Can you settle this argument?

ANS. Tell your associates they'd better brush up on their grammar! The sentence they're suggesting ends with the preposition "off" and should be corrected as follows:" . . . don't want to have to break on of your limbs off with a big knife."

TODAY'S SPECIAL LANGUAGE TIP: Everybody should try to use the word "transpire" more often so that it improves the speaker’s morale.

GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER PERFECT? Send it to Mister Perfect via the comments section of this blog.

April Month - School Searching Time

Since it is April timeframe, my wife and I went to this meeting at our daughter's preschool. The purpose was to give us helpful information about our kindergarten options.

Let me just say, as a parent my reaction was: AIEEEEEEEEEEE.

Centuries ago, when I was a small hairless preschool child in Madras, kindergarten was simple. When you turned 5, you enrolled in Campus and attended Miss Divya's kindergarten class, where you made hideous wall painting art from old newspaper and chalk-pieces. There were no other curriculum options, unless you count the option of, when Miss Divya was not looking, spitting on the next student or stuffing the chalk in your nostrils.

I honestly thought it would be pretty much the same thing for our daughter. I mean, we live near a secondary school. It has a kindergarten. I figured my daughter would attend kindergarten there. I was an idiot. (Don’t laugh; you are no better than me, Hehheee)

It turns out that this is not about kindergarten at all. This is about LIFE. And when I say "life, " I of course mean, "IIT, IAM. 1Crore Salary Package". For achieving this you need to get your child into the right kindergarten program, so that she can get into the right primary-school program, without which she cannot get into the right secondary-school school, without which she can't get into the right high-school program, which means SHE WILL NOT GET INTO IIT AND/OR IAM AND ALL BECAUSE YOU FLUSHED HER LIFE DOWN THE TOILET BY PICKING THE WRONG KINDERGARTEN WHEN SHE WAS 5 YEARS OLD. YOU WORTHLESS UNCARING PARENTS.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "That's ridiculous! You can't wait until your child is 5 years old to start thinking about IIT-JEE! You have to start MUCH sooner Dumbo!"

This is true. In certain places, by which I mean the whole of Tamil Nadu, serious parents start obsessing about IIT-JEE before their child is, technically, born. They spend their evenings shouting the poison distribution equations in the general direction of the womb so the child will have an edge during the intensely competitive process of applying for Chennai City's exclusive private preschools. Yes, PREschools - where tuition can run - and I am not making this up - well over Rs.1,50,000 a year. If you're wondering how on earth a preschool can get away with charging that kind of money to teach 26 alphabets, the answer is three words: really delicious chalk-pieces.

But seriously, the question is: Why are these parents willing to go to such extremes, and spend so much money, to get a child into a certain nursery school? The answer is: They're insane as you.

No, that's unfair. They're simply people who want their children to have every possible academic advantage so they can get into IITàIAM route, which admits only extremely high achievers, which a lot of the time means students whose parents have driven themselves insane.

Based on some basic ground study, this is looking at my neighbours as a reference, I find that the fault completely lies with these education institutions. Why on earth do they require our kids to know more than our entire ancestors IQ cumulatively added for entering their campus? Shouldn’t the entry criteria be changed from admitting only the class topper AND school leader AND star athlete AND skill full in communication to let us say the ability to hum the theme song from Kochadaiiyaan movie or perform an imitation of Power Star punch lines. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Wouldn't that cause these IIT-crazed hyper-parents to chill out and allow their kids to just be kids?

No, it would not. It would create a huge demand for humming tutors and they have to compete in Vijay TV for super hummer junior season MXCVII.

But getting back to our kindergarten meeting: We went in there naively thinking we were going to find out how to enrol our daughter in our local kindergarten. Instead we spent 90 minutes finding out that we had all these options: Did we want our daughter to be in a magnet program? What kind? International studies? Math and science? Theatrical arts? How about a Montessori school? Or maybe a gifted program? And should it be integrated gifted with music? Or drop-out of gifted? Or sake of attending  program? And what about international medical school?

These options, and many more, were explained to us by two nice, knowledgeable, thoughtful people with long experience in the local schools (2 months to be exact, Source: Again my neighbours). They urged us to visit different schools and ask many questions before making our kindergarten decision. They stressed that every child is different and there is no right answer. I think I can say that I came out of there truly believing that, whatever choice I ended up making for my daughter, it would somehow be wrong and she would NOT GET INTO IIT.

After the meeting, we went home and found our daughter was wearing her Barbie the fashion designer outfit. She is deeply into being a fashion designer. If there were a gifted Barbie magnet kindergarten program, that would be her first choice. And, for that matter, mine too. Assuming they have decent flavoured chalk pieces.

Driving Distractions

One of these days, the police are going to pull me over for driving erratically during peak hour traffic. They will suspect that I am driving while intoxicated, but he will be wrong. In fact, I will be driving being a HOT tea-pot.

I am often a HOT teapot while driving. This is because when my 24-month-old daughter is in the car, she demands to hear her favourite CD, ''Traditional Children's Songs From Hell.'' At least that's what I know it as. It's one of those CDs with those old songs that we are required by the Education Expert (Play school teacher)  to expose our children to, because they enhance the brain development of the child. 

Consider ''Old McDonald.'' It starts out fine: ''Old McDonald had a farm.'' But then it goes to ''E-I-E-I-O,'' as though the lyricist had a bunch of extra vowels he needed to use before the typewriter stops functioning with the vowels. Let me say, how hard it is for some person (not you) to come up with a rhyming word for farm.

Here are my alternatives:

1.     And Theresa bit of his left arm

2.     He had 6 sheep to keep him warm

3.     Since he had no money, there was NO harm

But ''Old McDonald'' is every Child’s ''Messiah'' compared with 'Here we go round the Mulberry bush,' a song apparently written by somebody with a severe case of attention deficit disorder, as we see by the highly informative first verse: ''Here we go round the Mulberry bush!

The Mulberry Bush

The Mulberry Bush

The Mulberry Bush

The Mulberry Bush

On a Cold and Frosty Morning.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS: 1. Is it a Mulberry Bush? 2. Where is it? I am forced to listen to these brain-enhancing songs constantly when I drive with her. I'm so used to hearing them that sometimes I'll be halfway to my office, the phrase gets stuck in your mind: ``The wheels on the bus go round and round! Round and round! Round and round!'' when suddenly it dawns on me: She is not in the car. I can play my own music, with intelligent lyrics! (Note: Tamil Film Songs are not far away from the above)

The biggest problem with children's educational songs is that many of them call for actions on the part of the listeners. Most daughters, are very strict, expects everybody to perform these actions along with them. So if we're listening to ''Johny Johny Yes Papa'' and she notices that I'm using my arms for some frivolous activity such as steering or honking, she will repeat, ''Daddy do it! Daddy do it!'' until I let go of the wheel and wave my hand for "Eating Sugar NO papa". I have been so much trained now-a-days that I have started steering with my stomach.

But the worst song, from a driving standpoint, is ''Where Is Thumbkin?'' This is the one where you sing about, and display one at a time, the various fingers on your hand: Thumbkin, Ring Man, Pointer, etc. As you can imagine, this can create misunderstandings in traffic when your fellow female motorists see you holding up Thumkin.

It’s for this purpose that I want someone to BAN these songs for the next 20 years so that I can drive in peace. In case you want my support I will willingly do it – “This is the way to CLAP your HANDS, CLAP your HANDS, CLAP your HANDS”.