In the future, sane
politicians – if there is any remaining, will look back on 2016 and remark
“What the hell, such a long queue for the ATM?”
They have a
point, over the past few months we as a nation have spent more time standing in
ATM lines than we have stood for the iPhone 7 release or for Filpkart to
deliver the broken Chinese products. Then there was a character named
“Mejriwal” [Identity changed for protection] who constantly attacked Marendra
Nodi [name also changed] for everything that failed in India including the
failure of Mohenjo Daro film in the box office.
Yes we have
seen enough amount of such news in the year throughout 2016 and hence I have
decided to review those important happenings from January till December. Close
your mind and enjoy the roller coaster ride backwards in time.
January
… Which began on a positive note of “New Year” wishes
spreading across the nation but then the Supreme Court’s order banning
Jallikuttu in Tamil Nadu dampened the mood of the nation and also a small herd
of oxen. In the science and technology space, ISRO continued to send satellites
into space with the same frequency of Mejriwal’s tweets about his self-achievements.
In what critics cite as example of Tamil Nadu’s decreasing
prestige, Sri Lankan Navy captures 100 fisherman and 10 of their boats, what
makes this particularly embarrassing is that the boats were docked near Marina
beach. In the health department, the WHO declared that the deadly virus Ebola
has finally come to an end. The CMDA reacted to this news by releasing fresh
batch of mosquitoes home grown from Mambalam which indirectly benefitted the
sales numbers for Odomos.
Speaking of sales numbers in …
February
… In order to give an impression that the government is functioning
efficiently, the “Make in India” campaign was inaugurated. As a first
initiative, most of the new channels started to make their own fake news and tried
to race ahead in the TRP ratings. The
Lakshar group which had a long break since November last year decided to
infiltrate across the LOC border as a regular routine. This attempt was thwarted
by the Indian BSF forces with ease since the infiltrators were dressed like
Navjoth Sidhu and made a lot of sense in their conversations. The union railway
budgets was presented and live telecasted with a total viewership of 17 people,
the second lowest after Big Boss season 6. The focus of the railway budget was
more on rail safety which came after Salam Khan hinted at his desire to drive a
train in the future.
The entire union budget was
presented by the finance minister, dedicated to the farmers who were busy
committing suicides across India. In world news, the powerful G8 countries
announce a new cease fire for Syria which was broken in the next 8 days. In
education department, the University of Texas, Austin has issued a notice that
students can carry a gun provided they attend the classes first. In the
department of cricket, BCCI was busy counting their multibillion dollars
account from media telecast rights and producing minefields as pitches for the home
test series.
Speaking of media rights in …
March
… Air India operated the World’s longest all women non-stop
flight from Delhi to San Francisco with a total of 5 passengers including 2
senior citizens. ISRO continued to send satellites to orbit with a budget that
is half of a flopped Bollywood movie starring SRK. Continuing in movie news, Sanjay Dutt leaves
Pune prison eight months before his actual release since he hardly stayed 5 days
in a month. In the law department,
parliament passes the Aadhar Bill act in which makes people think it is as a
Sadhar Card. The only use for this card is to gain access into movie theaters.
The UN adopts a new resolution on North Korea as they test
Hydrogen bomb. This is a routine every year and the entire world ignores the
resolution. The British PM announces calls for a referendum on EU exit in June
hoping Brittan’s population will vote in a sane manner. What everyone wonders
is these are the same people who follow
Lady Gaga with loyalty. Locally the Supreme Court for their part delivers many
landmark judgments affecting citizens from various states including the north
east.
Speaking of judgments in …
April
… West Bengal recorded 80% more voter turnout than for the
movie Puli (*ing Vijay). The government in an effort to increase jobs
inaugurates the “Start-up India” program where the entire venture capitalist
money was siphoned by Flipkart. In a bid to create greater chaos in the roads
of Delhi, the local government introduces the odd-even vehicle scheme again.
Wanting to be in the limelight, the Supreme Court restores president rule in Uthrakhand,
which is also termed as a landmark judgment by all the news channels.
In the royal news, the world’s oldest royal monarch in
Britain turns 90 who celebrates the occasion by wearing a large hat and smiling
grimly at horses. In sports, for a change the West Indies men and women teams
win the ICC T20 championships after a period of 300 years.
Speaking of Championships in …
May
… The Liquor champion
of India Vijay Mallya resigns as Rajya Sabha member and escapes to London to
avoid arrest. 80% voter turnout was recorded in West Bengal’s 15th
phase of voting. It has come to a stage where people have forgotten when the
election started and when the results would be out. Women power was witnessed
in WB and TN elections where Didi and Amma were finally declared winners. Just
to make sure that the Election Commission was making the elections fair, they
scrap 2 constituencies in TN due to “Cash for Votes” reason.
Over 20,000 files pertaining to the Panama papers are
properly filed with the government and then happily forgotten by everyone. This
filing of these papers causes havoc in the stock market as the Sensex reaches
the peak and is waiting for Amitabh Bachan to fall sick to nose dive. In the
US, Donald Trump declares his intention to run for presidency which causes the
Nasdaq to nose dive. Back in town, the Supreme Court in another landmark
judgment releases the 2 Italian marines since the jail ran out of supply of pastas.
Speaking of running out in …
June
… Congress is running out of ideas on how to make Garul
Randhi [name changed on request] look intelligent. ISRO sends 20 satellites in
one go via their PSLV launch pad, TN people wish ISRO sends all of Danush’s
movies into orbit so that the Vijay TV viewers are spared of the reruns. A new
juvenile law has been introduced to treat juveniles as adults and people are
thinking could they have Salman Khan tried under this law. CBI is still
pondering with their most intriguing case “Who killed Sheena Bora?”
In Sweden, the entire country rejects a proposal by the
government to pass a bill with right for everyone to have a basic income. This
may be the main reason why Indians don’t flock to Sweden for work visa as much
as they try for the US. Briton votes to exit from the EU and as usual the
professional pollsters (those wearing ties and suits) have confidentially
predicted the exact opposite result are now shaking their heads in disbelief. In
local royal news, the Mysore’s young King Wadiyar marries a Rajasthan royal
family and Shilpa Shetty is annoyed that she was not invited for this grand
function.
Speaking of functions in …
July
… The Light Combat Aircraft “Tejas” is introduced into the
army and Pakistan is still in denial of India’s capabilities. The Hizbul
commander Burhan Wani is shot dead in an encounter and the entire valley is
under tense situation due to Amir Khan’s fear of growing intolerance. The
second reactor in Kudankulam nuclear facility attains criticality which leads
to immediate power cuts all through southern Tirunelveli. The power cuts were
later found to be that the technicians had placed actual fishing rods instead
of the Fission rods into the reactor.
NASA’s solar powered Juno spaceship, costing $1.1 billion
enters the Jupiter orbit only to find no existence of life on that planet. Due
to this news, the entire Hollywood industry starts a series of science fiction
depicting alien life in Jupiter and they repeatedly attack NY and LA areas in
particular. An IAF aircraft from Chennai to Port Blair gets lost immediately
after leaving the air-base while the air traffic controller has no idea where
the craft has gone. The theory is that the controller was watching YouTube
Video of Oh My God (OMG) while the aircraft disappeared from the screen.
Speaking of watching videos in …
August
… The Chennai-Salem
train which was carrying 226 wooden cases of soiled notes was stolen by thieves
entering through the roof top. The police are combing the area for clues while
the security guards were watching “The Great Train Robbery” movie online. In
local politics, the AIADMK expels its Rajya Sabha MP since she bought a bad
name to the party by attending the LS sessions regularly. While this event is going on, the entire Lok
Sabha, without the AIADMK, votes for the GST bill.
The long halted mono rail project has been taken up for
discussion again in Chennai and everyone is eager to know what reason are they
going to give to stop it this time around. No one knows how a 22,000 page
containing details of the state-of-the-art submarine designed by the French
ship builder DCNS leaked to an online site. Neither do the Tamil movie producers
know how their films are leaked within 10 minutes of the film being released in
theaters.
Speaking of leaks in …
September
… The Karnataka government asks their environment engineers
to plug the leaks in the dam so that no extra drop of water is released from Kauvery
to Tamil Nadu, the Supreme Court tries to deliver a landmark judgment but the
Karnataka government decides to ignore it. The WB government returns 911 acres
of farm land back to the farmers who seem to come in their Nanos to collect
them while Navjoth Sidhu decides to quit from BJP owing to non-delivery of his
one liner in the general party meetings.
In world politics, North Korea which was silent through this
year finally decided to make a headlines by testing its biggest atomic weapon. Although
this achievement is tarnished somewhat by the fact that the explosion causes
the death, of the isolated nation’s lone remaining chicken. In contrast, the Chennai
Metro rail phase-2 is put into action covering a huge distance of 2 Kms extra
to the Airport terminal.
Speaking of inauguration in …
October
… The Nitish Kumar
government in Bihar introduces the Alcohol prohibition Act throughout the
state. In a way to act responsible, the Karnataka government releases 2 tankers
of water to TN. The entire portfolio of the TN government has been given to
O.Paneerselvam owing to Chief Minister Jaya admitted to the hospital. The BSF
kills 7 infiltrators in the borders of J&K which is business as usual for
the valley region. The Pakistan news business as usual always denies the
attack, including the surgical strike by the Indian army even after YouTube
provides video footage of the event and Google giving us the exact GPS
locations of the area.
INS Virat, the world’s oldest aircraft carrier is given a
grand farewell in Cochin. In the field of science, the Japanese scientist
Ohsumi wins this year’s Nobel Prize for finding out that fasting helps us live
better. To top the awardees, this year’s literature award is given to American
songwriter Bob Dylan for his stupendously work in shabby lyrics. In the
business world, Tata & Sons sacks Cyrus which lands the news channel in
mystery. There was a grand prison escape by 7 SIMI activists who were later
shot by the MP police and the news channels had this as breaking news till he end
of the month.
Speaking of Breaking News in …
November
… The Delhi
government goes into a breaking huddle and calls for shutting down the schools
in Delhi area owing to the air pollution reaching alarming levels. On the
mid-night of 8th, the PM announced that the existing 500 and 1000
rupee notes are no longer a legal tender. Due to no cash flow, the J&K
valley return to normal life as the extremists are standing in long ATM queues
for their daily allowance.
The TV channels starts to give weekly announcement on the
health of Jayalalitha while the Apollo hospital gives the directions for the
government. The Supreme Court orders an act banning of buying fire crackers in
Delhi area one week before and after Deepavali.
Opposition party’s stage bandh over demonetization but the crowds are
not there due to absence of Briyani packets and cash. In the US, Donald Trump has been elected as
the 45th president of America and has shown the world that they are
also human like other democracy where crazy results are possible in elections.
In a media shakeup, Arnab Gowsami resigns from Times News
following allegations that his name can be rearranged to spell “Anagrams, I
bow.” To uphold nationalism, the Supreme Court passes on more landmark judgment
asking all cinema halls to play the national anthem before screening the
movies. Anyone found violating this move
would be forced to watch Simbhu movies the whole day without a break.
Speaking of national anthem in …
December
… The nation pays the tribute to the TN chief Minister
Jayalalitha who passed away due to cardiac arrest. “Thanthi TV” had got this
news the first in the air and it was truly heart breaking news. The CBI finally
files a charge sheet on the Maran family in the Aircel-Marxis case after 14
years of fast paced investigation. Cyclone Vardha turns Chennai over its head and
reduces the green cover of the city by 40%. The winter session of the
parliament goes without making any transaction thereby causing no change in
people’s perception of the parliamentarians. The BJP forms the government in
Arunachal Pradesh to end the year on a high.
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