Sania Mirza To Skip Second Rounds in All Tournaments

Veteran tennis star Sania Mirza has announced her skipping from Second round of any Grand slam. The decision was taken after she had an abysmal performance on the second round in Wimbledon this year as always, and not so great first round either at US Open 2013.

“The only time she wins beyond second round is when she plays with her dog,” said Rajesh Chander, a frustrated fan who also witnessed double faults by Sania on many important points.

Talking about the new rules of skipping, a senior AITA official said that it was aimed to provide flexibility to the players. He was confident that WTA will agree to the new rules as Chennai Open was just a few weeks away.

“This is a wonderful concept. We wish we had framed such rules earlier. Sania could have happily retired from the draw where World no.1-10 were operating and could have continued playing for singles tournaments and winning most of them” he wondered.

For a moment as emotional as this, Sania Mirza stayed composed throughout the press conference. Addressing the media, she, commonly known as Indian Tennis Diva, said, “I have informed the Selection Committee and the Tournament organisers. Ideally, I would have liked to play only the finals but that would mean putting too much pressure on other youngsters/players to handle.”

She praised the young talent pool of players that India was bestowed with, then deliberately mentioned Leander Peas and chuckled. Asked to name one promising grass court player, she struggled before he finally gave up and answered, “Milkha Singh?”

Indian tennis Fed cup team captain Enrico Piperno was also present during the conference. Piperno said that Sania was going through a recovery phase after lifting he arms repeatedly during her second serves. Piperno, however, acknowledged that the skipping decision was a great loss to the tournaments and Nach Baliye.

“For a tennis star, the ability to not win beyond the second round even on Indian courts is a skill in itself and Sania has done it consistently over the years,” he further added.

Speaking to SomeTV News, Leander Peas, the alleged mentor for Sania refused to comment on his role behind Sania’s decision. “I have done nothing!” were the exact words he said without even the slightest change of expression.

While tennis stars all over the world have expressed shock over Sania’s decision, Sania said that next she would retire from Singles permanently and continue playing as a doubles specialist. As our reporter noticed, Leander Paas’s expression still remained unchanged.

As I write, Ishanth Sharma has retired from bowling in death overs and Sehwag has announced retirement from opening the innings in the first power play.

In a bizarre coincidence, the progress report on UPA government’s completion of nine years in office and the Indian team’s performance in Fed Cup are identical and no one would be able to spot any differences with these 2 reports.
 
This news has got Arnab Goswamy irritated in his channel documentary “Frankly Shouting”. He demands "The nation needs to know" why.

CBI Orders Hugh Quantity Of “Post-It” Notes

In what is described as a “crucial” development towards upgrading the CBI’s intelligence arm, the director paid a visit to LandMark bookshop and bought substantial quantities of yellow post-it message pads.

The agency, which has never had access to such messaging before, believes that the introduction of these pads will dramatically improve the relaying of important messages across the organisation and also improves the in-field officers communication back to the department centres.

The director while speaking at the press conference today in Delhi said that this purchase will also help the sharing of the information to many premier news channels in an easy manner. It was learnt that the agency had to deploy 3-4 data operators mainly to SMS important messages to political parties and new agencies. Now with this purchase, it  has eased the agency by downsizing these data operators and some field officers for non-performance issues.

The director also expressed a reaction similar to “intrigued” when he said that he had seen a device which can record voice and store them and later transfer it directly into the computer as MP3 data file. Also it came with free USB Web-cam. The director is currently writing a letter to the PM for granting permission to procure this device for the agencies betterment.

While the director is pronouncing the trip to LandMark as a success story, many whistle-blowers revealed that they had urged the agency to invest in these USB devices as early as in 2003. One of the agency field officer quotes (in anonymity) “I then tried to write a memo about this stick pads, but there were no pens or paper around in the office. They were all locked up in the cup-board of the divisional head’s room.”

Now after this report the opposition is demanding an internal CBI enquiry into the missing pens and paper from the divisional officer’s cupboard. While this is not so serious complaint, the aam admi is surely to believe this since the PMO has reported that it has lost important files regarding the coal allocation.

Top 1% Wealthiest Indians Praise P.Chidambaram’s Economic Policy

Congress President Sonia Gandhi’s recent dream project – “The Wiping out of India’s treasury” was recently tabled in the parliament which is working only 47 minutes per week thanks to all the adjournments. This recent economic policy of taxing imported LED TVs has been slammed by the top 1% healthiest community in India as “The DLF maximum group”.

“When we first heard about this policy, we were all in a shock. It is really too bad to be true” said Mr.Anil Ambani (current spokesperson for this group). “But when the butler read the whole bill to us during the cocktail party, we were all stunned and shell shocked.” 

The thirteen-nine plus aristocrats who form the core group plus the ministers were all attending the annual meet at Leela place, Delhi when this news started to trickle in. Mr. Mukush Ambani and Kapil Sibil were also present when the news came in. Many of the group members have a feeling that this measure which would bring great displeasure to the elite group.

Mr. Anil Ambani quoted “I like to request Sonaiji to reconsider this landmark measure. Imagine the current situation where it is very tough for people like me to make my ends meet with this current inflation and legislations and with increased taxes.” Many of the group members expressed their anguish since they cannot maintain their dozen European villas, stable after stable filled with Arabian horses, the fleet of private jets and Swiss bank accounts all in one with the current dividends from their share holdings.

Mr.Kapil Sibil has also indicated that there would be more tax increases so that the wealthy group may start coughing up more money and thereby improve the current CDA situation. However, the Reliance group head differed from the indication saying that the wealthy group have become wealthy only by not spending during crisis situation and fleecing the end customers at required times.

As far as the Aam Admi is concerned, they are expecting more taxes on onions, breathing air, sleep. So let us all be prepared for 2014 by trying not to vote for anyone who has a bank balance of Rs.5,00,00,000 and wants to tax even toilet flushes.

A Familiar Voice to Sleep For Ever : RJ Shastri

In a shocking press meet announcement today legendary pathetic cricketer RJ Shastri decided to quit Commentary and decides to start playing golf. If Navjoth Sidhu had his book of idioms and phrases, then RJ shastri had his own “Cliches”. In an illustrious and boring career spanning 20 years, shastri has spoilt a lot of gripping cricket matches with his monotonous monotone voice and repeated clichés.

The entire cricketing world is reeling under a state of shock due to this sudden turn of events. The ICC is currently convening an emergency meeting to address the void created by Shastri. There are many in the race currently such as Rameez Raja, Murali Kartik, L.Sivaramakrishnan who are quiet capable and have enough vocabulary to match Shastri.

Many fans of ESPN and STAR cricket are currently yet to get over the shocking announcement and they are quiet bewildered. The fans have always just tuned into the match to mainly MUTE shastri’s comments and they love his presentation party speech. The city of Bangalore has decided to host an evening of FREE beer to everyone who comes out of the house just to show their solidarity and faith in Shastri’s decision.

Shastri whose commentating career spans over 22 years which is equivalence of 88 years of boredom in the commentary media has some famous clichés which have been used to the maximum. Sunil Gavaskar who was the first to react upon hearing the news is now pondering on when he will decide to bite the bullet.

Shastri’s best friend Sidhu, Naser Hussia has all expressed grief over this decision and wish him the very best for his future endeavour. BCCI president N.Srinivasa has quoted “There has been no greater servant of BCCI…I mean Indian cricket, than Ravi Shastri. His self-endorsed, honest and unbiased opinions will be missed. To help him, we have decided to start an academy for commentating”.

As far as the fans are concerned, they shall be waiting for the next drone in the commentary box and until then they will always remember his clichés – “Make no mistake about it, this stage of the game is nicely poised.”

A Rare Video Footage Revealed, Means Vijaykanth is Alive

In a rare video footage which has currently, become viral on the internet of actor Vijaykanth has suddenly thrown the Tamil cinema fanatics into a horror spin, since it makes us believe that Vijaykanth is active and wanting to do more movies.

The rare video footage is a self-shot interview in which he is seeing trying to promote his film with daring one-liners about the Tamil Nadu government. With the actor virtually disappeared from the film scene since 2002 after his mega-hit movie “Ramana”, this video leads many to believe that he is alive and contemplating on a comeback movie.

The intelligence agencies are currently working overtime to verify the authenticity of the video footage. They are closely monitoring every frame of the video to ascertain if the person who is answering the interview is actually Mr.Vijaykanth. The agencies are withholding the final verdict until further conclusive evidence is reached.

Sources close to the agencies have quoted that it is very difficult to analyse if the person is Vijaykanth or a wooden puppet placed there. One of the agencies spokesperson replied “We think it is Mr. Vijaykanth when looking at the features of the person but we also think that it may be a wooden puppet.” The main problem is that the wooden puppet is actually more animated than the person.

The film society fraternity is also comparing the video footage of “Ramana” and the interview footage and they fear the worst. One of the investigators told newspersons “In fact, we have looked into the tape and the movie and now are contemplating whether the wooden puppet was actually one of the cast in the movie Ramana.”

So as a responsible citizen, I am warning you that Vijaykanth may be active and thinking about another venture in 2019. Beware folks; we already had “Thalaiva” maybe “Puratchi Thalaiva” is around the corner.

Man,37, Sees Thalaivai and Comes Out Smiling

A man from Erode had come down to Bangalore for some work and incidentally wanted to spend some of his free time. He intended to see a comedy movie and went to watch “Sonnalum Puriyadhu” but unknowingly bought tickets to Vijay’s Thailava. Not to be disappointed he went on to watch the film till its conclusion with the same intent as he began watching the title credits (Yuks), sources close to the man revealed today.

Incidentally, Times Now was the first channel to uncover the breaking news that Mr.Kannan, 37, hailing from Erode was the first and only man to sit through the complete movie in the entire state of Tamil Nadu. The chief minister is contemplating of rewarding this person for his pursued ambition to contribute to this movie fraternity.

Friends close to Mr.Kannan seem to reveal that he was actually a mild-mannered sales rep who hardly had any social interactions till now with the outside world. His main aim of going to Bangalore was to enjoy a movie this Saturday in which lots of things blowing up as a main plot. [My suggestion would have been “Chennai Express” for the same result]

Mrs.Kannan is currently having her husband examined with the local doctors for any symptoms of depression or dementia. The doctors at Erode government hospital are not willing to divulge the first results of the examination, but seem to express confidence that nothing would happen to Mr.Kannan.

“There is only one famous case of a man wandering into ‘CID Shankar’ in 1970” the medical association president stated “but had no lasting medical damage on him. In fact the man went on to become a successful screen writer for tamil TV mega serials”. Another doctor said “In the worst case, he may be inducted into any TV channel as a comedian anchor for reality shows”.

As of now, Mr.Kannan is not willing to express any of his views either to newspapers or TV channels, so we are assuming that he wants to commit suicide with a note “It’s all because of you THALAIVA”.

Govt. Issues The List of 5001 Bad Things That May Happen Someday Somewhere

Stung by recent criticism on the number of terrorist attacks on the Indian soil, the Government has finally decided to act on its part. The central government today released an alphabetically sort list of “5001 Bad things” that may happen somewhere in the 26 states (no wait 27 states or it is 32? The government is still confused) on someday tomorrow, next month, next year or this Christmas holidays whichever comes earlier.

 This book is the scariest document after the government’s reply in the 2G scam. It has so called accurate list of probable events that may happen with expert comments by the former CBI director. This book is also planned for release in DVD and audio book format.

The DVD has expert’s comments and audio commentary delivered by the union finance minister and the current law minister. The uncut data is available in special edition which needs to be booked from Flipkart.com. The uncut scenes are exclusive coverage of how the investigating agency field reporters get permission to prepare the content from the proxy-prime minister.

According to the grey market sources, the DVD has already been copied and uploaded on torrent sites. The CB-CID division of vigilance is actively looking into this matter, and they fear that this leak must have been from one of the LeT sleeper cells. [Source: Vijay’s Thuppaki movie]

Some of the probable events include bombing in crowded areas across Mumbai by the LeT, infiltration across the LoC, flash floods in the upper Ganges region. The government is also concerned that these events may occur even as you read and hence have beefed up security measures to all parliamentarians.

One cannot imagine a working parliament without these 540 elected despots, without them India would actually work and progress. The army is also put on high alert since they have not had any actual field work since Kargil.

Some of the majors feel that some events may happen according to the books and they are terrified. One such reported event in the book is Adharsh housing society will go physically missing just as the files went last year, so army needs to be alert.

Well, I cannot wait to lay my hands on this book, so I am off to [I can’t type blacklisted Torrent sites here] site for downloading – Hence signing off now.