Why is Sports a DRAG?

Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time, millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive third umpire. The decision is still pending owing to technological errors with BCCI not adhering to DRS system. What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. All I know is, whatever the reason be, Mankind is still nuts about sports. As Ravi Shastri, who may not be the most likable person in the world of cricket commentary but is certainly one of the most obnoxious, put it: "In terms of Mankind and sports, blah blah blah blah the 1985 Benson & Hedges final Blah Blah Blah"

Did you get a chance to notice how Shastri and I both use the same term "Mankind."

Womankind really isn't into sports in the same way as GUYS [Moto: Do we really need to mature?] do. Oh, I realize things have changed since my school days, when sports were considered unfeminine and the average girls' PT period consisted of 3 girls running around waving field-hockey sticks and squealing like a rat caught under the door, and another 27 girls standing on the sidelines in civilian clothing, claiming it was That Time of the school for them to relax. I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as Sareena Williams who can run like deer and bench- press Scorpio SUVs. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports that enables men to be such incredible jerks.

If you don't believe me, go to your local tennis club and observe the difference between the way men and women play. Where I play (OK used to play), the women tend to gather on the court in groups of random sizes -- sometimes three, sometimes five, as if it were a Jane Fonda workout -- and the way they play is, one of them will hit the ball at the wall, and the rest of them will admire the shot and compliment her quite sincerely, and then they all sort of relax, as if they're thinking, well, thank goodness games is over. They always seem to be surprised when the ball comes back. If one of them has the presence of mind to take another swing, and if she actually hits the ball, everybody is very complimentary as if they she has been announced the Miss Universe. If she misses it, the others all tell her what a good try she made, really, then they all laugh and act very relieved because they know they have some time to talk before the ball comes bouncing off that darned wall again. [This also proves that women are a little paranoid with Physics too]

Meanwhile, over in the next court, you will have two males wearing various knee braces and wrist bands and special anti-sweat T-shirts, hurling themselves into the walls like intoxicated oxen, and after every single point one or both of them will yell "S$#%!" in the self-reproving tone of voice you might use if you had just accidentally shot your pet dog. India men tend to take their sports seriously, much more seriously than they take family matters, or peace in South Asia.

This is why it's usually a mistake for men and women to play on teams together. I sometimes play in a co-ed tennis ball cricket league, where the rules say you have to have two women on the field. The teams always have one of the women play keeper, because in a tennis ball match the batsmen hit just about every ball, so it wouldn't really hurt you much if you had a deceased person as a wicket keeper. Our team usually puts the other woman at slip area, where the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second slip women is a pretty good cricket player, better than I am, but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over from, say, long on, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three years now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between throwing at the non-strikers end for a run-out and saving an infant's life, she would probably elect to save the infant's life, without even considering when the batsmen were going for a quick non-existent single.

This difference in attitude between men and women carries over to the area of talking about sports, especially sporting events that took place long ago. Take the 1985 World Championships. If we were to look at it objectively, we would have to agree that the outcome of the 1985 Final no longer matters. India loses every one of them periodically and scientifically. You could make a fairly strong case that it didn't really matter in 1985 itself. Women know this, which is why you almost never hear them mention the 1985 World Championship tournament, whereas you take virtually any male over age 37, and even if he can't remember which of his children has taken Hindi as a third language, he can remember exactly how Rameez Raja was stumped by an off break from Shastri, and he will take every available opportunity to discuss it at length with other males.

See that? Out there in Blogger land, you females just read right through that last sentence, nodding in agreement, but you males leaped from your chairs and shouted: "Rameez Raja wasn't stumped! Rameez was caught by SrikKanth, only Miandad was stumped!" Every male in India has millions of perfectly good brain cells devoted to information like this. We can't help it. We have no perspective. I have a friend named Inirs, name written backwards to protect his identity and the most rational person you ever want to meet, and during a Ranji match, it was a great honour for us when inirs had to collect the ball from the boundary and Kapil Dev was gesturing to throw the ball to him. The rest of us congratulated Inirs as if he'd won the Nobel Prize for physics.

 It's silly; really, this male lack of perspective and it can lead to unnecessary tragedy, such as soccer-riot deaths and the Delhi University. What is even more tragic is that women are losing perspective, too. Even as you read these words, women are writing vicious comments to this blog, expressing great fury at me for suggesting they don't take their tennis seriously. Soon they will be droning on about the importance of slower deliveries.

What is Stupid Driving?

What I am going to tell you told will surely make your blood boil – You will never understand what I witnessed on the roads last week. This highway NH-47 very popularly known as “GST road”, a highway which has more potholes than road, is a proud home for the country’s most dammed drivers.

Of course I realize that this is a point of honour for every citizen of India, but let me say it’s not worth the feeling. I know that you are wonders “What NH-47? Have you REALLY seen some of my [Print your City Name here] drivers?”

Listen, take a KitKat (Motto: It doesn’t bend, it breaks) and try to cool yourself. You have to understand that I am quiet experienced in this domain – identifying rash drivers. I am sure that your city has equal number of homicidal morons and muffs as down here but I have witnessed what is not so normal in other parts of the country.

Also I know what I am talking about (Really? S-L-A-P let’s get back to the topic). I have driven or practically experienced driving conditions in every major Indian city including Howrah where every motorist’s main aim is to pick up speeds reaching MACH 2 as though the draw bridge is just about to open and they need to clear it at all cost.

I have also driven in Bombay (Motto: Anyone from other states, follow us), where there is only one traffic law, which is that no driver may ever be behind any other driver, the result being that at all times, all the motorists in the city, including those in funeral processions, are simultaneously trying to pass each other.

I have ridden in a taxi in the Kerala city of Mananthavady (literally, ``Cover your eyes and pray for GOD''), where (a) nobody ever drives slower than 65 Kmph, including inside hotel parking lots, and (b) at night, many motorists drive with their headlights off, because-a taxi driver told me this, and he was absolutely serious-this extends the life of your bulbs. (When he told me this, we were in a major traffic jam caused by an accident involving a truck and a big adult elephant.)

I have also ridden on a bus in Bangalore (Motto: One billionaire per Sq. Kilometre), ploughing through humongous traffic snarls involving trucks, cars, bicycles, auto, bullock carts, IT professionals and pedestrians, all aggressively vying for the same space, and where the bus driver would sometimes physically push pedestrians out of the way. I don't mean with his hands. I mean with the BUS.

So my point of view is that, I have seen enough of crazy driving on the road, nevertheless of the insane driving techniques of our country I feel for a fact that no place than “Thambaram” brings together the craziness and ridiculousness of reckless driving. This is a place where even the RED light signal has no more significance than e-filling your tax returns. The police morale has gone so down that they would let you off a hit-and-run incidence with a warning if it is for the first time.

So after all this, you are asking what my point is. Well, the other day I saw this person. Rather I heard him first before seeing him. His car stereo was half the size of King Kong and had a sound producing capacity of 2 nuclear generators which are detonating in rhythm. I particularly felt the bass notes since couple of bicyclist were flying around the place as he sped past them.

I am today here (literally: Typing in front of you) because I tried getting out of his path, but there was no way I could locate his path. He was weaving back and forth across five lanes (out of a possible two).

Fortunately he missed me and three other fourteen year old trees but I got a glimpse of him driving with his hands on his head and his stomach steering the vehicle. He was watching a video of Danush film (literally: I do not have anything better to do) installed on the place where usually other cars have their SUN visors. Yes, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE, blocking the entire view of the road.

I don’t want to sound like an OLD whiff, but I myself think it’s a bit crazy steering without a view and is very hazardous for the environment. I remember my first lesion in learning to drive – WATCH the ROAD.

My guess is that with today’s smarter phones and technology, more and more drivers have no time for viewing the road condition and have more important activities such as busy making phone calls, eating, reading, changing CDs, putting on makeup, brushing their teeth, changing baby diapers etc. Of course these drivers are often safe since they have a chance, from time to time, of viewing the road. Whereas this guy I saw on NH-47 could only see DANUSH and nothing but DANUSH. Imagine his mental state.

I hope you agree with me now on my initial point.

I also hope that you are not reading this in your CAR.

Chennai To Phase Out Environment by 2020

Just days after the Tamil Nadu government announced that it would be cutting taxes on “Amma Idly” by 2015, the CMDA has announced some ambitious programs to phase out environment altogether by 2020 and this program will start from 2015.

“In addition to cutting of taxes for idly, the Chennai Metro Development Association [CMDA] (Motto: Who care, when we snare) also announced that it would cut down any tree which has been on the side path for more than 40 years with effect from tomorrow”. The CMDA spokesperson has said that they would also be cutting out wasteful and boastful environment to improve more square feet land area for all politicians to invest as SEZ.

While plans to totally annihilate the environment are still being formulated, the general strategy of those in Chennai Corporation is to phase it out gradually so that hardly anyone will notice it’s gone. Apparently they have seemed to exclude marina beach since it houses more statues than parking lots and is politically a bad decision to touch Kannagi statue.

The mayor of the city plans to eliminate all known species of Chennai (including the Mambalam Mosquitos, Anna Nagar stray cats, Saidapet black pigs, Thiruvanmiyur Java IT professionals) and also accelerate the land prices in these areas to touch 5 times that of Tokyo.

In doing so the Mayor also told that they had plans to reduce (gradually) air and water supply to Chennai metropolitan area. When asked how they plan to execute it, the spokesperson from the Mayor’s office quoted: ‘Since 2010, electricity has been successfully eradicated from the state. Did you find it out or vote us out of power in the 2014 General Elections?”

The spokesperson also added “If we had to choose between air and water, we would first choose water. After all, the gulf has been without water for years and haven’t they developed?”

Rahul May Lack Gene for Human Intelligence

A team of reputed genetic scientist have stunned the entire nation (MOTO: The nation needs an answer) today evening by disclosing its results the Rahul Gandhi may lack the gene for normal human intelligence.

This group which has been studying Rahul since the 2014 election campaign have made this startling discovery when they were studying the differences in IQ levels between humans and chimps. One of the leading scientists has quoted “We have found in his blood samples extremely high levels of Potassium which directly indicates a banana-rich diet which is rarely found in human inhabiting the Janpath road.”

 

Prompted by this clue, the group of scientist have probed much further in the DNA and found “No substantial evidence” of human intelligence. In fact they only found traces to suggest that the sample’s IQ could at most be of that of rotten cabbage.

 

From the congress party office, their spokesperson have no comments and are currently trying to blame the Rahul’s bananas are coming from the Gujarat region which may be the cause. However, the BJP have questioned this claim and have decided to boycott the next parliamentary session all together.

 

In defence of the findings, the scientist group have claimed that in their experiments they have taught a female baboon to say things such as “Women empowerment”, “RTI”, “One Minute Arnab” as their vocabulary. So they say this should not be confused with actual human speech.

 

In a related research done in Karnataka, scientist say that they have found that Dig Vijay Singh has an abnormal double-gene for human speech and this explains why it is virtually impossible to get him to shut-up. Some of the research group are also claiming that Arvind Kejriwal may have a curled gene which makes him autocratic on any matter.

 

While we are all shocked and awed by this revelation, we find that this gene is also very prominent with the Bollywood film fraternity writers, which may explain the reason for such sloppy script writings.

While on this note, let me finish my last piece of Mexican platano.

Tips On English Grammar For Young Writer

Every once in a while (i.e. 4 years 5 months and 3 days) I come up with a new idea for a blog. As it struck me this time, I wish to address some of the important burning issues with writing a blog, which is “How do I select a topic?”. No, many of them have done it before me and possible even better than mine. So in this issue, I wish to answer some of the pressing questions in English Grammar for those young writers.

Dear Mister Perfect: When is it correct to say: "between you and I"?

Ans. It is correct in the following instance: "Well, just between you and I, It is advisable that you pay the bill for today’s dinner while I leave the tips."

Dear Mister Perfect: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

ANS. I basically do not see any value addition because of this punctuation mark. The possible purpose for apostrophe is maybe to indicate that an “S” is going to be the last alphabet in that sentence. It is used mostly in business signage such as “WE DO NOT ACCEPT CREDIT CARD’S” or “MANAGEMENT NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR LOSS OF CUSTOMER ITEM’S”

Dear Mister Perfect: When do you say "who, " and when do you say "whom"?

ANS. You say "who" when you want to find out something, like for example if a friend of yours comes up and says, "What a beauty, just now witnessed a fight between the actress who lives in block-VI and your mother" you would reply: "WHO?" You say "whom" when you are in UK or you are angry (as in: "And WHOM do you think is going to clean up this mess after the party?").

Dear Mister Perfect: Like many voters, I often get confused about which party member is currently shouting in Doorknob Gowsami’s show. Can you help me out?

ANS. Here is a simple pneumatic device for telling these two similar-sounding words (or "gramophones") apart: Just remember that if they mention 1984 they are Modi supporters and if they mention 2002 then they are Congress supporters, if they mention both – they are AAP.

Dear Mister Perfect: I have a question concerning the expression: "The fact of the matter is." I would like to know whether it is preferable to say: "The fact of the matter is, Kapil Sibal’s views are not worth listening to” or: "The fact of the matter is, that Kapil Sibal is a total nincompoop."

ANS. Mister Perfect does not see any major difference.

Dear Mister Perfect: I am curious about the expression, "A complete planned food." The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Horlicks Jr" or "Chocolate Complan" and they always show the item placed on a table next to a some actual food such as idli, and the announcer always says: "A complete planned food." Don't they really mean, "Adjacent to this actual breakfast item," or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And they can actually make the same claim if, instead of Horlicks, placing a can of shaving cream there or a broken coconut shell?

ANS. Yes, good observation.

Dear Mister Perfect: What do they mean on the TV weather forecast when they say we are going to have "thundershowers possible"?

ANS. They mean we are not going to have an actual thundershower, per se, but we are going to have thundershower like climate, which looks very similar to the untrained eye.

Dear Mister Perfect: I think my wife is having an affair.

ANS. Mister Perfect wouldn't doubt you for a minute; you are in the wrong forum addressing the wrong point.

Dear Mister Perfect: Some business associates and I are trying to compose a very important business letter, and we disagree about the wording of a key sentence. My partner argues that it should be: "You better be there alone with the ransom money, or we don't want to have to break one of your limbs off." I say this is incorrect.

Can you settle this argument?

ANS. Tell your associates they'd better brush up on their grammar! The sentence they're suggesting ends with the preposition "off" and should be corrected as follows:" . . . don't want to have to break on of your limbs off with a big knife."

TODAY'S SPECIAL LANGUAGE TIP: Everybody should try to use the word "transpire" more often so that it improves the speaker’s morale.

GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER PERFECT? Send it to Mister Perfect via the comments section of this blog.

April Month - School Searching Time

Since it is April timeframe, my wife and I went to this meeting at our daughter's preschool. The purpose was to give us helpful information about our kindergarten options.

Let me just say, as a parent my reaction was: AIEEEEEEEEEEE.

Centuries ago, when I was a small hairless preschool child in Madras, kindergarten was simple. When you turned 5, you enrolled in Campus and attended Miss Divya's kindergarten class, where you made hideous wall painting art from old newspaper and chalk-pieces. There were no other curriculum options, unless you count the option of, when Miss Divya was not looking, spitting on the next student or stuffing the chalk in your nostrils.

I honestly thought it would be pretty much the same thing for our daughter. I mean, we live near a secondary school. It has a kindergarten. I figured my daughter would attend kindergarten there. I was an idiot. (Don’t laugh; you are no better than me, Hehheee)

It turns out that this is not about kindergarten at all. This is about LIFE. And when I say "life, " I of course mean, "IIT, IAM. 1Crore Salary Package". For achieving this you need to get your child into the right kindergarten program, so that she can get into the right primary-school program, without which she cannot get into the right secondary-school school, without which she can't get into the right high-school program, which means SHE WILL NOT GET INTO IIT AND/OR IAM AND ALL BECAUSE YOU FLUSHED HER LIFE DOWN THE TOILET BY PICKING THE WRONG KINDERGARTEN WHEN SHE WAS 5 YEARS OLD. YOU WORTHLESS UNCARING PARENTS.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "That's ridiculous! You can't wait until your child is 5 years old to start thinking about IIT-JEE! You have to start MUCH sooner Dumbo!"

This is true. In certain places, by which I mean the whole of Tamil Nadu, serious parents start obsessing about IIT-JEE before their child is, technically, born. They spend their evenings shouting the poison distribution equations in the general direction of the womb so the child will have an edge during the intensely competitive process of applying for Chennai City's exclusive private preschools. Yes, PREschools - where tuition can run - and I am not making this up - well over Rs.1,50,000 a year. If you're wondering how on earth a preschool can get away with charging that kind of money to teach 26 alphabets, the answer is three words: really delicious chalk-pieces.

But seriously, the question is: Why are these parents willing to go to such extremes, and spend so much money, to get a child into a certain nursery school? The answer is: They're insane as you.

No, that's unfair. They're simply people who want their children to have every possible academic advantage so they can get into IITàIAM route, which admits only extremely high achievers, which a lot of the time means students whose parents have driven themselves insane.

Based on some basic ground study, this is looking at my neighbours as a reference, I find that the fault completely lies with these education institutions. Why on earth do they require our kids to know more than our entire ancestors IQ cumulatively added for entering their campus? Shouldn’t the entry criteria be changed from admitting only the class topper AND school leader AND star athlete AND skill full in communication to let us say the ability to hum the theme song from Kochadaiiyaan movie or perform an imitation of Power Star punch lines. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Wouldn't that cause these IIT-crazed hyper-parents to chill out and allow their kids to just be kids?

No, it would not. It would create a huge demand for humming tutors and they have to compete in Vijay TV for super hummer junior season MXCVII.

But getting back to our kindergarten meeting: We went in there naively thinking we were going to find out how to enrol our daughter in our local kindergarten. Instead we spent 90 minutes finding out that we had all these options: Did we want our daughter to be in a magnet program? What kind? International studies? Math and science? Theatrical arts? How about a Montessori school? Or maybe a gifted program? And should it be integrated gifted with music? Or drop-out of gifted? Or sake of attending  program? And what about international medical school?

These options, and many more, were explained to us by two nice, knowledgeable, thoughtful people with long experience in the local schools (2 months to be exact, Source: Again my neighbours). They urged us to visit different schools and ask many questions before making our kindergarten decision. They stressed that every child is different and there is no right answer. I think I can say that I came out of there truly believing that, whatever choice I ended up making for my daughter, it would somehow be wrong and she would NOT GET INTO IIT.

After the meeting, we went home and found our daughter was wearing her Barbie the fashion designer outfit. She is deeply into being a fashion designer. If there were a gifted Barbie magnet kindergarten program, that would be her first choice. And, for that matter, mine too. Assuming they have decent flavoured chalk pieces.