Sunday, November 24, 2019

Old Proverbs In A New Bottle

Every culture has a collection of wise sayings that offer advice about how to live your life. These sayings are called "proverbs". Usually, it takes time for these sentences to become a part of that culture. Hence proverbs are always known as old.

Since today’s generation has no time to get into this Proverbs, idioms, and phrases I set out to create more meaningful proverbs for today’s scenario by taking the old one.

Let me know your comments – 
  1. A pepper spray keeps the molesters away
  2. All the online offers is not Sale
  3. A novice and his data are soon parted
  4. Always put the best profile online
  5. An empty manager makes more money
  6. A backup in time saves nine
  7. Don’t judge a person by his profile picture
  8. Don’t forward your own FB status
  9. Cash is thicker than e-Payments
  10. Best things in the Internet are Free
  11. As you send eMail, so you shall receive
  12. A comment is worth a thousand likes
  13. A journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single click
  14. The charge on the phone is only as strong as its battery
  15. A remote in hand is worth two in the phone
  16. A bad manager always blames his team
  17. All good online sales come to an end
  18.  Privacy is in the hands of the beholder
  19. Good contents cannot be viral
  20. Cyber-hack killed the cat
  21. Don’t download more than what you can stream
  22. Don’t put all your data in one cloud
  23. Don’t put the password before the login
  24. Entrepreneur rush in where Venture Capitalist fear to thread
  25. Fortunes favor the start-ups
  26. Give public servants an inch they will take a mile
  27. Incognito is the best policy
  28. If you play online, you will get broke
  29. It’s no use crying over deleted data
  30. Ignorance is bliss
Till the next time - it's better to be Safe (from reading these crap) than Sorry.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

In The Battle Of Wits With Electronic devices, I Loose

Recently there have been many articles explaining the latest trend in electronic devices - namely how appliance manufacturers are planning to drive consumers insane.

Of course they do not say it openly in that way but what they are meaning to say is that they are planning to have all the appliances in your home (that's correct, the place where you live) connect to the internet and share information. In short this is called the Internet of Things or IoT in the long form.

What does it mean for an ordinary consumer is that going forward all the appliances are going to be smarter than you. For example, you would have a home where the washing machine "can be turned on from the office" and the refrigerator "knows when you are out of milk" and sends an SMS to the milkman while your bathroom shower would be transmitting (S-L-A-P dirty mind, not the pictures) your weight directly to the gym instructors.

I frankly am very sure that all the manufacturers, with all due respect to their IQ, have been smoking pot. Why would a consumer to load all the dirty clothes in his washing machine and then leave to the office to start it? Would there be any kind of career benefit that I am missing out?

Your Boss: So what are you doing now?
You: (swiping with your index finger on the phone) I'm starting my washing machine.
Your Boss: That's the sort of productivity and commitment that I want around here.

After 15 minutes when he comes back
Your Boss: Now what are you up to?
You: Flushing the toilet sir.
Your Boss: Meet me at my cabin before going home,

If this is not enough, the automobile manufacturers have woken up from their deep slumber and have joined the race. Now you can do the same things from your car. For example: while you are stuck in the traffic jam over Silk Board junction in the evening, you can start your washing machine, when you reach Forum signal (roughly 2 hours 7 minutes later) you can start boiling the milk sitting in the microwave oven.


Although it looks practical and sane, I want to place a humble request to the manufacturers. I don't want the appliances that communicate via the internet and but make them no to leak, break down every 5 days, requires 14 button presses before able to start it etc. If you are very insistent on making improvements then I would like to have a sensor shout when you have loaded the washing machine "START THE CYCLE NOW OR I'LL START LEAKING AFTER YOU LEAVE TO OFFICE"

Likewise, I do not want to own a refrigerator that knows when we are out of milk supply. We already have this kind of system since 1700s. We have this fool proof system of determining if we are out of any supply. We get shouting orders from the WIFE. Also I am not sure if any person would buy a fridge which refuses to open since you have had 4 scoops of Banana Walnut ice creams.

As far to the bathroom shower I would ask it only one thing - Are you nuts? I do not want to even transmit the weight to my own eyes, why would I want the fit-bands, bathroom scales to transmit these confidential data to the gym which I last visited sometime during the end of Second World War. Imagine this scenario if the bathroom scale sent this data to the fridge or the microwave then I would never be able to open either one of these appliances. Worst case scenario, if this data is sent to all your nearby houses - really scared correct.

I am sick of all these appliances which have sprouted in the last 5 years claiming to be smarter and have ruined our lives. The fitness band is one which tops the charts - it sends these data to your Google drive while you are asleep. This data gets reflected in all the e-commerce site which you visit and then this data will be hacked by some 12 year old juvenile kid in Israel. It then makes it to Breaking News in twitter and whats-app and finally lands back into your wife's phone as a FWD message. Do we want this to happen?

Finally let me come to the home entertainment systems - it’s been a real concern for me just to operate it. I recently bought a fully loaded featured TV set which has a remote that has 124 keys out of which I hardly use 4 buttons in which one of them is the RED button. I don't know how to use all the features of this smart TV. If I want to watch a crappy TV program I have to manage THREE remotes - one with the TV (144 buttons), one for the sound system (42 buttons) and the third (37 buttons) given by the cable set-top box guy, who apparently felt that I was short of buttons.

In order  to watch a TV program I have to manipulate around 120 keys (MIN) with helpful button names such as PIP, MTS, DSS, XVID, F5, HELP, JUMP, AIM, SHOOT, BLANK. After randomly pressing combination of buttons I search for the POWER button and press that. I feel completely relaxed. Now-a-days I stand in front of the blank TV for 20 minutes thinking of the program I want to watch and leave the room. That's how smart my TV has become - just like my kids.

Speaking of kids, they absolutely know the way to work out with these remotes and have been watching the cartoon channels for the 11 straight days without a break. So if this is the kind of smart appliances which we want to live with? Of course not - your appliances (and if possible your wife too) needs to be DUMBER than you. I am urging all of you to let the consumer appliance manufacturers know by phone, email, whatsapp, Facebook, twitter that you are going to vote NO for such devices in future.

Please act fast since your fridge and the car have already voted with a YES and the toilet flush would be sending its vote anytime now. [Source: your next door microwave oven]


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

2016 – The Year In Review

In the future, sane politicians – if there is any remaining, will look back on 2016 and remark “What the hell, such a long queue for the ATM?”

They have a point, over the past few months we as a nation have spent more time standing in ATM lines than we have stood for the iPhone 7 release or for Filpkart to deliver the broken Chinese products. Then there was a character named “Mejriwal” [Identity changed for protection] who constantly attacked Marendra Nodi [name also changed] for everything that failed in India including the failure of Mohenjo Daro film in the box office.
Yes we have seen enough amount of such news in the year throughout 2016 and hence I have decided to review those important happenings from January till December. Close your mind and enjoy the roller coaster ride backwards in time.

January

… Which began on a positive note of “New Year” wishes spreading across the nation but then the Supreme Court’s order banning Jallikuttu in Tamil Nadu dampened the mood of the nation and also a small herd of oxen. In the science and technology space, ISRO continued to send satellites into space with the same frequency of Mejriwal’s tweets about his self-achievements. 

In what critics cite as example of Tamil Nadu’s decreasing prestige, Sri Lankan Navy captures 100 fisherman and 10 of their boats, what makes this particularly embarrassing is that the boats were docked near Marina beach. In the health department, the WHO declared that the deadly virus Ebola has finally come to an end. The CMDA reacted to this news by releasing fresh batch of mosquitoes home grown from Mambalam which indirectly benefitted the sales numbers for Odomos.

Speaking of sales numbers in …

February

… In order to give an impression that the government is functioning efficiently, the “Make in India” campaign was inaugurated. As a first initiative, most of the new channels started to make their own fake news and tried to race ahead in the TRP ratings.  The Lakshar group which had a long break since November last year decided to infiltrate across the LOC border as a regular routine. This attempt was thwarted by the Indian BSF forces with ease since the infiltrators were dressed like Navjoth Sidhu and made a lot of sense in their conversations. The union railway budgets was presented and live telecasted with a total viewership of 17 people, the second lowest after Big Boss season 6. The focus of the railway budget was more on rail safety which came after Salam Khan hinted at his desire to drive a train in the future.

The entire union budget was presented by the finance minister, dedicated to the farmers who were busy committing suicides across India. In world news, the powerful G8 countries announce a new cease fire for Syria which was broken in the next 8 days. In education department, the University of Texas, Austin has issued a notice that students can carry a gun provided they attend the classes first. In the department of cricket, BCCI was busy counting their multibillion dollars account from media telecast rights and producing minefields as pitches for the home test series.

Speaking of media rights in …

March

… Air India operated the World’s longest all women non-stop flight from Delhi to San Francisco with a total of 5 passengers including 2 senior citizens. ISRO continued to send satellites to orbit with a budget that is half of a flopped Bollywood movie starring SRK.  Continuing in movie news, Sanjay Dutt leaves Pune prison eight months before his actual release since he hardly stayed 5 days in a month.  In the law department, parliament passes the Aadhar Bill act in which makes people think it is as a Sadhar Card. The only use for this card is to gain access into movie theaters.

The UN adopts a new resolution on North Korea as they test Hydrogen bomb. This is a routine every year and the entire world ignores the resolution. The British PM announces calls for a referendum on EU exit in June hoping Brittan’s population will vote in a sane manner. What everyone wonders is  these are the same people who follow Lady Gaga with loyalty. Locally the Supreme Court for their part delivers many landmark judgments affecting citizens from various states including the north east.

Speaking of judgments in …

April

… West Bengal recorded 80% more voter turnout than for the movie Puli (*ing Vijay). The government in an effort to increase jobs inaugurates the “Start-up India” program where the entire venture capitalist money was siphoned by Flipkart. In a bid to create greater chaos in the roads of Delhi, the local government introduces the odd-even vehicle scheme again. Wanting to be in the limelight, the Supreme Court restores president rule in Uthrakhand, which is also termed as a landmark judgment by all the news channels.

In the royal news, the world’s oldest royal monarch in Britain turns 90 who celebrates the occasion by wearing a large hat and smiling grimly at horses. In sports, for a change the West Indies men and women teams win the ICC T20 championships after a period of 300 years.

Speaking of Championships in …
  
May

… The Liquor champion of India Vijay Mallya resigns as Rajya Sabha member and escapes to London to avoid arrest. 80% voter turnout was recorded in West Bengal’s 15th phase of voting. It has come to a stage where people have forgotten when the election started and when the results would be out. Women power was witnessed in WB and TN elections where Didi and Amma were finally declared winners. Just to make sure that the Election Commission was making the elections fair, they scrap 2 constituencies in TN due to “Cash for Votes” reason.

Over 20,000 files pertaining to the Panama papers are properly filed with the government and then happily forgotten by everyone. This filing of these papers causes havoc in the stock market as the Sensex reaches the peak and is waiting for Amitabh Bachan to fall sick to nose dive. In the US, Donald Trump declares his intention to run for presidency which causes the Nasdaq to nose dive. Back in town, the Supreme Court in another landmark judgment releases the 2 Italian marines since the jail ran out of supply of pastas.

Speaking of running out in …

June

… Congress is running out of ideas on how to make Garul Randhi [name changed on request] look intelligent. ISRO sends 20 satellites in one go via their PSLV launch pad, TN people wish ISRO sends all of Danush’s movies into orbit so that the Vijay TV viewers are spared of the reruns. A new juvenile law has been introduced to treat juveniles as adults and people are thinking could they have Salman Khan tried under this law. CBI is still pondering with their most intriguing case “Who killed Sheena Bora?”

In Sweden, the entire country rejects a proposal by the government to pass a bill with right for everyone to have a basic income. This may be the main reason why Indians don’t flock to Sweden for work visa as much as they try for the US. Briton votes to exit from the EU and as usual the professional pollsters (those wearing ties and suits) have confidentially predicted the exact opposite result are now shaking their heads in disbelief. In local royal news, the Mysore’s young King Wadiyar marries a Rajasthan royal family and Shilpa Shetty is annoyed that she was not invited for this grand function.

Speaking of functions in …

July

… The Light Combat Aircraft “Tejas” is introduced into the army and Pakistan is still in denial of India’s capabilities. The Hizbul commander Burhan Wani is shot dead in an encounter and the entire valley is under tense situation due to Amir Khan’s fear of growing intolerance. The second reactor in Kudankulam nuclear facility attains criticality which leads to immediate power cuts all through southern Tirunelveli. The power cuts were later found to be that the technicians had placed actual fishing rods instead of the Fission rods into the reactor.

NASA’s solar powered Juno spaceship, costing $1.1 billion enters the Jupiter orbit only to find no existence of life on that planet. Due to this news, the entire Hollywood industry starts a series of science fiction depicting alien life in Jupiter and they repeatedly attack NY and LA areas in particular. An IAF aircraft from Chennai to Port Blair gets lost immediately after leaving the air-base while the air traffic controller has no idea where the craft has gone. The theory is that the controller was watching YouTube Video of Oh My God (OMG) while the aircraft disappeared from the screen.

Speaking of watching videos in …

August

…  The Chennai-Salem train which was carrying 226 wooden cases of soiled notes was stolen by thieves entering through the roof top. The police are combing the area for clues while the security guards were watching “The Great Train Robbery” movie online. In local politics, the AIADMK expels its Rajya Sabha MP since she bought a bad name to the party by attending the LS sessions regularly.  While this event is going on, the entire Lok Sabha, without the AIADMK, votes for the GST bill.

The long halted mono rail project has been taken up for discussion again in Chennai and everyone is eager to know what reason are they going to give to stop it this time around. No one knows how a 22,000 page containing details of the state-of-the-art submarine designed by the French ship builder DCNS leaked to an online site. Neither do the Tamil movie producers know how their films are leaked within 10 minutes of the film being released in theaters.

Speaking of leaks in …

September

… The Karnataka government asks their environment engineers to plug the leaks in the dam so that no extra drop of water is released from Kauvery to Tamil Nadu, the Supreme Court tries to deliver a landmark judgment but the Karnataka government decides to ignore it. The WB government returns 911 acres of farm land back to the farmers who seem to come in their Nanos to collect them while Navjoth Sidhu decides to quit from BJP owing to non-delivery of his one liner in the general party meetings.

In world politics, North Korea which was silent through this year finally decided to make a headlines by testing its biggest atomic weapon. Although this achievement is tarnished somewhat by the fact that the explosion causes the death, of the isolated nation’s lone remaining chicken. In contrast, the Chennai Metro rail phase-2 is put into action covering a huge distance of 2 Kms extra to the Airport terminal.

Speaking of inauguration in …

October

…  The Nitish Kumar government in Bihar introduces the Alcohol prohibition Act throughout the state. In a way to act responsible, the Karnataka government releases 2 tankers of water to TN. The entire portfolio of the TN government has been given to O.Paneerselvam owing to Chief Minister Jaya admitted to the hospital. The BSF kills 7 infiltrators in the borders of J&K which is business as usual for the valley region. The Pakistan news business as usual always denies the attack, including the surgical strike by the Indian army even after YouTube provides video footage of the event and Google giving us the exact GPS locations of the area.

INS Virat, the world’s oldest aircraft carrier is given a grand farewell in Cochin. In the field of science, the Japanese scientist Ohsumi wins this year’s Nobel Prize for finding out that fasting helps us live better. To top the awardees, this year’s literature award is given to American songwriter Bob Dylan for his stupendously work in shabby lyrics. In the business world, Tata & Sons sacks Cyrus which lands the news channel in mystery. There was a grand prison escape by 7 SIMI activists who were later shot by the MP police and the news channels had this as breaking news till he end of the month.

Speaking of Breaking News in …

November

…  The Delhi government goes into a breaking huddle and calls for shutting down the schools in Delhi area owing to the air pollution reaching alarming levels. On the mid-night of 8th, the PM announced that the existing 500 and 1000 rupee notes are no longer a legal tender. Due to no cash flow, the J&K valley return to normal life as the extremists are standing in long ATM queues for their daily allowance.

The TV channels starts to give weekly announcement on the health of Jayalalitha while the Apollo hospital gives the directions for the government. The Supreme Court orders an act banning of buying fire crackers in Delhi area one week before and after Deepavali.  Opposition party’s stage bandh over demonetization but the crowds are not there due to absence of Briyani packets and cash.  In the US, Donald Trump has been elected as the 45th president of America and has shown the world that they are also human like other democracy where crazy results are possible in elections.

In a media shakeup, Arnab Gowsami resigns from Times News following allegations that his name can be rearranged to spell “Anagrams, I bow.” To uphold nationalism, the Supreme Court passes on more landmark judgment asking all cinema halls to play the national anthem before screening the movies.  Anyone found violating this move would be forced to watch Simbhu movies the whole day without a break.

Speaking of national anthem in …

December


… The nation pays the tribute to the TN chief Minister Jayalalitha who passed away due to cardiac arrest. “Thanthi TV” had got this news the first in the air and it was truly heart breaking news. The CBI finally files a charge sheet on the Maran family in the Aircel-Marxis case after 14 years of fast paced investigation.  Cyclone Vardha turns Chennai over its head and reduces the green cover of the city by 40%. The winter session of the parliament goes without making any transaction thereby causing no change in people’s perception of the parliamentarians. The BJP forms the government in Arunachal Pradesh to end the year on a high.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

What Does The Supreme Court Needs To Work On


We all are aware that the Supreme Court is the most SUPREME in our country and that is where many of the landmark judgements are made. Since there is a lot of cases which are very tough to handle by the lower courts are sent to the Supreme Court (Hereafter referred as SC or Suspended Capacity). What the SC does is to stay on the files as long as possible till one of the judges wakes up from his hibernation and delivers a verdict. This verdict is always reported by the media as a “Landmark judgement”. Looking for examples: The Salman Khan case.

What has this landmark judgement (henceforth referred to as LJ or Lazy Juggernaut) means to a common man is “DUH”. Perhaps with some more judgements on the 2G spectrum case, the National Herald case the common man is going to have much more powerful opinion and reaction such as “Hmmmp” or “Cha”. So in order to restore faith in the system, it is highly recommended that the SC leaves all its current cases such as “Who needs to enter Sabarimala temple” or “Should Congress be given the leader of opposition party status” and start delivering LJs on things which affect the common man.

So here are a few items which if the SC can consistently deliver LJ, then the common man would react with a “WoW” reaction.

  • The maximum weight of a school going kid’s bag should not exceed 5 Kgs, which includes 2 kgs for lunch.
  • Only 3 potholes are allowed for every 1 KM of road (MAIN ROADS) and 5 potholes for every 0.5 KMS of normal roads
  • OMR road & Silk Board traffic jams to be named as Major Tourists Attractions in Madras & Bangalore respectively.
  • Maximum of 5 TASMAC shops only possible within 3 KMs radius of any Primary school, if not present then the government needs to act promptly in setting them up (I meant the SCHOOL you stupid)
  • In IT companies, employees must be able to take at least one WHFIP (Work from Home if Possible) per week.
  • No more than Rs.30 to be charged extra than what the Auto Meter shows for one way travel (only applicable for Madras)
  • Every person should be able to book a weekend ticket via IRCTC site at least once a month.
  • No SOAP serials to go more than 220 episodes in a calendar year, only 2 sequels allowed at the MAX.
  • Judges in all the reality talent shows must have had at least 1 year of formal training in the area of expertise.
  • Arnab Goswami to allow all his panellist to at least finish one sentence without interrupting during the course of the debate.

Well these are a few which will really help the common man to know that the SC is working for us and really delivering LJs for us. In the meantime, they can also work on closing a case filed during the Indus Valley Civilisation by one of the cavemen that the chieftain of his tribe has misappropriated 1.76 Lakhs rock pillars and claimed it as a Zero Loss to the tribe.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

IPL: Commissioner Takes Bold Steps

The IPM Commissioner for 2015 has announced today that the IPL governing team is about to take serious of bold steps after many thought provoking debates on Times Now with the slated goal of alienating the remaining hard core fans forever.

“At IPL stadiums everywhere around the country, it is too hard to get tickets for the matches. Even if we get the tickets, it’s very hard to get a decent parking slot or have to wait long queues for the restrooms” the commissioner said “All these problems have the same root cause: people. So simply put sport has too many fans”.

As part of the big strategy, the first step is to achieve contraction of fan base across all the teams playing in 2015. “We are planning to change the scoring pattern such that all the games end in a TIE. So please start watching something else like Wrestling or F1 which has more thrills” he continued.

In addition to it, it would now take nine balls for one over and the 30 yard circle the size of the ground. These game changing rules are aimed at making the average game to six hours to fill the time slots during summer. These changes along with the outlawing of run-outs & LBW not to be referred to the third umpire solely aimed to further reduce the level of popularity and also increase TV viewership to other physically demanding games such as Golf.

In addition, the commissioner said that the final 3 overs of the innings would feature a power play break with deep routed messages from Deepika Padukone or an item song by famous Bollywood actress. This step would make sure that the stadium would be vacant before the match gets over and easy for the ground staffs to prepare for the next game.

In all, there is a huge expectation from the fans that these steps would be taken as soon as possible so that the viewers can go back to old form of entertainment in the 90s: WWF wrestle-mania.

Monday, March 16, 2015

What's the Difference Between ...

This is a blog which has taken me many hours of hard work and judicious screening of materials from various sources which includes Internet, books, Junk mails, SMS et all. This is a compilation of some of the best FWD jokes which I have received in the last 10 years.

So sit back and enjoy ... What's the difference between

- Bottle of Medicine & a Doormat?
One is shaken up and taken while the other is taken up and shaken.

- A married man & a Bachelor?
One kisses the misses while the other misses the kisses.

- a barber in ancient Rome & an excited circus owner?
One is a shaving Roman and the other is a raving showman.

- the Princes of Wales & a Wimbledon tennis ball?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

- A young lady and a fresh loaf?
One is a well-bred maid while the other is a well-made bread

- A dart player and a violinist?
One finds the middle and the other minds the fiddle.

- A cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the ends of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of the clause.

- Suppandi and Double Mac burger?
One is easy to cheat while the other is cheesy to eat.

- A clock maker and a Satirist?
One makes the tick and the other takes the mick

- a Lighthouse Keeper, a thief & a pot of glue?
One watches over the seas, one seizes watches. And the pot of glue? Ah, that's where you get stuck.

Until the next set of compilations, it's bye from me.