X+1 Syndrome

[Borrowed from the Internet]

When an Indian professional becomes a 'Non-Resident Indian' in the United States, he soon starts suffering from a strange disease. The symptoms are a fixture of restlessness, anxiety, hope and nostalgia. The virus is a deep inner need to get back home. Like Shakespeare said, "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." 

The medical world has not coined a word for this malady. Strange as it is it could go by a stranger name, the "X + 1" syndrome. [To read this blog fully: http://cs.ucsb.edu/~koc/favs/x+1.html ]

[End of Borrowed Material]

So why blame only the NRI (Non-Reliable Indians), those who are living in India also exhibit a lot of this X+1 syndrome, which is the topic for this week.

You can easily identify these people who are prone to procrastination – their only sole motto is to postpone anything which can be done tomorrow to day-after-tomorrow or cut a long story short behave like Garfield.

Some of the early symptoms that you are tending to procrastinate are:

Quitting chain smokers: The famous last words of all chain smokers – “This is the last one, I will quit after this”. It applies for all values of x in x=x+1;

Health conscious pot-bellied person: “I am going to start exercises from tomorrow; today is the last jumbo meals which I will have”.

Milkman/Paper Boy: “Sir, you can trust my promptness, you can see it from tomorrow”

Politicians: “This bill will be passed in an effective manner in the next parliament session”

Driving without license guys: “Look sir, take this Rs.100. I promise that I won’t commit this mistake again.”

Backbenchers in College: “If not this semester, there is always the next da machi”

Software Quality Person: “We have incorporated many measures which will help improve the quality of the deliverables from next release”

Software developer: “The team will ensure that we will review the entire code base for any leaks, known defects during the next integration”

Software Manager: “We have always been strictly adhering to the process; will consciously follow the process guidelines with greater focus for the coming projects.”

Delivery Heads: “This is just the beta delivery we shall have it fixed in the final build”

Husband: “I will stop watching cricket from the next series”

Wife: “Watch me from next month, will run this family within the granted budget”

Most Overused Resume Words

Come July it is the time for appraisals in your company and for me it is time to start the recruitment drive for my team. Every year I scan through a high number of bio-data with all adjectives put in between those power resume words. In fact every resume that I scan would in total exceed the skill sets of Kernighan, Ritchie and Stoutstrup put together with.

I would like to question the very thought as to why should I use those words when both the parties (receiver and sender) know that there is not an iota of truth in it. Why can’t I just send an email stating “Dear Employer, I want a job and I know to use CTRL-C and CTRL-V and sometimes CTRL-ALT-DEL.” This is perfectly matching my team’s requirements. Why should I go through a complete grueling session called “Inter-View” and so called “Technical Discussion” to select few guys who by the next July would be retyping their curriculum vitiate.

In my view, the entire HR department can be done away with, and save those money to buy new hardware for the project engineers to work and create some revenue for the company. So with this context let me take you through some of those over-abused words that you may find in the next bio-data that you get through the referrals.

1.       Creative: Why is that every engineer or a MCA in this planet is creative? Or why is it necessary for someone to be really creative to work in Mainframes or in embedded platform? I don’t think the company is going to pay you more than the others just because you are creative. In fact for me, if a guy is really creative he would not be in software. End of story.

2.       Effective: How does one define what is effectiveness or how am I to find out if you really are? I can guess from the way you draw the block diagram of a DVD player if you are capable or not. Even my 4 year old kid knows more than me on how to effectively use Blu-ray player, so effectiveness is not that good a thing to posses.

3.       Track record: This word is purely used since it cannot be validated even if the person gave me 1 year to verify. One really does not know what record is the person talking about and what track has he accomplished something. Think why should a proven track record person change? Do you think the Australian cricket team would take Harbajan when he has a track of proven records [of not taking wickets when needed]?

4.       Motivated: I would like to know what he is motivated to. Obviously it is for money but the lies that flow from the person’s mouth is a treat to watch. If everyone in my team was motivated and had good track record, then there is no scope for me [Project Manager].

5.       Innovative: For sure I would not even look beyond this word if a person as used it in his resume. If he was so innovative, why is he still using an age old medium to showcase his skills? I would rather recruit a guy who flashes an SMS via his iPhone with the text message “24 Lakhs PA + Car + Perks, 2 months paid leave. Accept or Reject” or “I am ready to accept salary or you ready to pay it?” These type of guys are really innovative ...

6.       Problem solving: My perception is that any new entrant into a running system would be the problem creator. If that being the case, how could the same person be the problem solver? I do not want to talk about these guys who are fit for nothing; the only problem they can solve is how you can close down the project before its actual date. If a person cannot solve his problem in the previous company, how is he going to do it in mine?

7.        Dynamic: Software work to my knowledge is a purely sedentary job and I wonder what I would do with a dynamic person? I may have to keep running from pillar to post to locate this person for the project status. I would like people who are stationary and sloppy so that I can mentor them and grow my career in the organisation. People who are dynamic are not aligning to my interests.

8.       Results-oriented: I do not really understand what this phrase means? Is there someone who would do anything without the knowledge of the end result or wanting to achieve some result, I have not seen one yet expect our current Prime Minister?

9.       Team player: What does one mean by this? If he is a team player, then why is he applying for a new job all alone, without informing his team? If this is what team player means, I am sure we can run the project without persons like him.

10.   Responsible For: All of us are in the same understanding I suppose. I thought of using the same page [another abused word in IT] but restricted myself. The understanding that you are responsible for our work items. Is this an extra-ordinary trait that you were responsible for high-level design, improving quality etc. I thought it was a basic expectation from the management that all faults are yours.

11.   Extensive experience: My understanding of experience was that it would come only if you were exposed to something extensively. Many resources would say they have worked extensively in cutting edge technology which was released only 6 months back. God only knows how they were trained on subject before it is known.

12.   Communication skills: The final nail in his coffin, communication skills I thought was written and oral in my days, but now-a-days SMS and short emails are known as communication skills. To talk to the team member sitting next to you, you have to call him on his mobile since you cannot communicate face-to-face. One exception is if the team member is of the opposite sex.

So the final conclusion that I have made is to search for these words and directly thrash the profiles and look for someone who is creatively innovative, exposed and future oriented. Of course there is one exception for me too. [If you can catch my drift]

What is Wrong with Airports Today

A lot of people travel and I really don't know why? Also they seem to travel at the same time as I do. You are wondering from where I am getting these data, just look out of your car window and you will realise. My job also requires me to travel a lot on a daily basis, from my bedroom to bathroom to the garage through the 10,000 signals to my office lift, pass the corridor to the last cube in the southern most end of the building.

Well I am not talking about this travel but sometimes my tasks require me to make air-travel and this is where I come up with the problem. My guess is that the students of Wright brothers got all the fundamentals about air craft building from them but failed to note down the other requirements surrounding the air travel.

My understanding is that those who build the aerodrome and other amenities within the airport have all been directly imported from Mars and have a total working brain capacity of a deranged ant. Let me try and touch on all those pain-points accumulated from all the frequent fliers (Who? It's all my team-mates)

Aviation security was invented by the most modern cave men known to history: Homo Securitix Blasphemous. The whole idea of the cave man security was to block all those innocent cave dwellers from entering the cave without stripping them naked while letting those who carried any items such as a Bludgeon or anything that resembles a viking weapons without a fuss.


This in today's term is translated to airport security, they not only frisk innocent passengers like you and me but also frisk the laptops that we carry. I have a small problem here, my official laptop has some kind of a secret device which prompts the internal circuits to alert those security personnel (whose job is just to view some black-n-white X-ray images of all the hand luggage all day) that this item is some kind of a modern concocted weapon of mass destruction.[Note: I am in no way referring to a wallpaper of Danush or Power-Star]

After this ordeal of security check I will surely be tired and hungry. I don't know about you but I am certainly hungry every time when I am done with this security check. I seriously wonder if those airport food vendors have ever stepped out of the airport area to know what is the economic trend outside. Just like Hindi movies, airport is the other place where is there is no recession. For more details just check any menu item from any vendor. A small burger, when I mean small it is really S-M-A-L-L, costs Rs.250/= while just few feet away you can have 15 square meals for the same amount. I am not only harping about the money but also on the taste. These burgers were possibly made during the regime of Indra Gandhi, reheated during Vajpayee reign.

I want to meet some airport authority and ask them the rules for setting up a book stall in the airport. Is it mandatory that they have to carry all the works of John Gresham only as the best sellers and rejects from Land Mark and other book stores. Why is it that I cannot find any other decent author from any book stall right from JFK to Anna International airport. Is there an FAA regulation that requires every book reader  to read 15 pages of a John Gresham novel or has he tied up with all the airport outlets? [Note: A big question to ponder for this week.]

Once inside the craft, is it necessary for me to have those safety instructions shown over and over again. I fail to see how these tips can help you when you are about to nose dive either on land or on sea. Let them just give each passenger 140 words to type their last message and send it, we are pretty happy with that than the boring safety video. You should also see who these air-hostess throw their hands in a circular motion over their head when they show you how to locate the emergency exit. I feel they are trying to tell you that you will be circling around the plan looking for the exit while we all will jump out of the exit safely. Have we not seen a safety buckle before and how to remove it? Even my neighbours dog can do it. Did I every tell you that you have to bite it and open it or ask them. I wish to write to the airline authorities to stop showing these video and directly get to the boring entertainment channels during take-off.

Just before the take-off, the pilot makes a long speech about how is he going to fly, the route, the distance from ground and the weather in Turkey etc. Is it something that I want to know. Someday I want to walk inside the cockpit and tell the pilot "I am having those small peanut package and the 2 cracked biscuits for snacks that you served us and will have the peanuts later while we fly over Turkey" and see the reaction of the pilot. Why doesn't he just keep the mic off and try flying the plane towards the destination with less delay.

I also have an hunch that when ever the pilots are not well trained, they use the FOG or technical snag to stall the plane. Then try to log a complaint using the 24x7 airline breakdown service and use google to locate their map/route plus YouTube videos on take-off procedures.

This is what I am going to elaborate in my next customer meeting and try stopping the air-travel from my job, before that have to call my secretary and book the flight tickets well in advance.

Beauty: Belongs to the Eye of the Beholder

I do not belong to the uncultured, pani pooris consuming public or an ardent fan of Danush’s vocal rending of the internet viral “Kollaveri” song. I am not also a very good person at grasping modern art. I cannot stand in front of a certified modern art painting which to me like “Is this painting upside down or did the painter’s child smudge it after finishing it.”

Especially I cannot understand these modern sculptures and architecture at all. To me the modern sculpture looks to a lay man like a crashed alien space ship or a glorified garbage dump yard. [I am not against it, please don’t start sending me hate mails, messages, it is just that I cannot comprehend it] To me a good sculpture is something that vaguely looks like something. For example you look at any Roman sculpture and it will convey the artist’s message very clearly: “Here is a naked human thinking where to buy his clothes? United Colours of Benetton or Levis”

You may be asking why I brought this topic at this moment. [Digressing from the topic Alert] Last week I was roaming around the city, since my wife was trying to look for a dress, and found some free food served at this art gallery. So I stepped in and I looked exactly like the Fish out of the Waters. I did not know what to do and how to comment to all those art which was hung. Not only was it awkward for me, its prices were also not in a rationale way. The only rationale that I could find was the uglier and confusing the picture looked, the higher the price quoted.

This is not the exact reason why I chose this topic [End of Digression], only this week did I find that a private office next to mine was trying to purchase a new art object to improve the decor of the front office space. This was not an ART piece; it was a Public art piece which means “purchasing art products by expert teams who are not using their own money for it”. This money comes from various teams who sweat their efforts the whole year to produce profits and they are not allowed to use it. This is because: 1) the teams would actually buy some real art piece which is aesthetic and cheap, 2) if they did there is no way these office experts can buy those crashed alien ship kind of junk for such high cost.

One thing that bewilders me is that, why should such a creation that is not so easily understood by a poker playing dog or a Danush fan or an eccentric person be so costly. In fact it looks like an actual crashed alien ship would cost 500 times cheaper than these modern art sculptures. Is it not a criminal offense to waste money on such items?

So I plan to send a recommendation to our local government that each of these so called modern art displays MUST carry a message: “NOTICE: THIS IS A PEICE OF ART! IT COSTS MORE THAN THE KUDANKULAM NUCLEAR PLANT! SO PLEASE ADMIRE IT FOR SOMETIME”

And in case there are any broken laptop or air conditioner compressors placed next to these art display, the office workers MUST place another message” THIS IS NOT A PEICE OF ART! IT IS THEREà”, so that public like me can save time and energy, the so called experts can also find time to look out for more such art displays.

This situation will continue till the project teams procure heavy artillery or missiles.

What is Outsourcing?

Before we get to today's blog, I have an important announcement regarding outsourcing. Well it is important since that is the topic which I am going to talk about in the next 750 words.

''Outsourcing'' is a business expression that means, in layperson's terms, ''sourcing out.'' It's a trend that started years ago in the caves of southern Africa. Some group of men decided to stay inside the caves on their sofas and watch football and ordered the others to go out and hunt. Thiswas the starting point of “Outsourcing”. Eventually the cave dwellers became so bulky that they could only perform outsourcing jobs. [This trait can in today’s world substantially be found in Project Managers]

During the industrial revolution, factories where they mainly manufactured products, which in business term means ''making cheap things costly'' reinvented the outsourcing model. You folks won't believe this, but there was a time when Americans actually made physical things called ''products'' right here in America with the stamp “Made in America”.

Workers would go to large grimy buildings called ''factories'' [Still they are grimy buildings with bulldog bosses] where they would take a raw material such as iron ore and perform industrial acts on it or in layman term “Work in factories”. By the end of the day, they smelt terrible, but they had turned the ore into something useful, such as a toaster, or a bazooka, or (this was not abig seller) a bazooka-toaster. One of the reasons may be since it was not USB 1.414 compliant.

The making of things was outsourced decades ago to foreign nations such as Asia [somewhere east of West Virginia]. You should now be thinking if West Virginia in the East or West? Well this is because they have even outsourced geography lessons to Vietnam due to inflation.

Today, the Americans ( or people of the West) are dimly aware that their TVs, computers, cell phones, underwear, dentures, cartoons, etc., must come from SOMEWHERE, but we have no real clue who is making them, or how. They have enough trouble figuring out how to remove the packaging or read the manual since mostly it would be in Chinese font.

After the Y2K hype, Americans have stopped making any thing expect big budget computer graphic movies; America became a ''service economy,'' which is a business term meaning ''an economy where it is virtually impossible to get service.''Even now their service industries are being outsourced.

Take, for example, ''technical support,'' which is the department you call when you are having a technical problem and need to be placed on hold. Today, when you finally get through to a human, he or she is often in a different country. This is good news and bad news:

THE GOOD NEWS IS: The foreign tech support people are smart, educated and eager to help, and they speak English.
THE BAD NEWS IS: They speak it in such a way that you understand only about every fifth word.

You are asking me how I know it. I recently had a problem with a computer, so I called technical support, which in the case of this company is located, I believe, on Mars. Although the person on the other end sincerely tried to help, the only word I consistently understood him saying was ''cost''.

TECH SUPPORT GUY: Mr.Customer, wokm todelc strsprot, cost. Cnygv meth serilnbr?
ME: The serial number? You want the serial number?
TECH SUPPORT GUY: Thtsrdy ndimsng, Cost. Logndr btmmrstit,?
ME: What? You can’t help me?
TECH SUPPORT GUY: Thtansks nfkor kalling 24/7 supbprt!

But we might as well accept it: Outsourcing is here to stay. And it's happening EVERYWHERE. Yes boss everywhere includes Guatemala. You will be surprised that it is happening at all places including industries that would surprise you:

When you order a burger at a McDonald's toll-free number, the person who's taking your order is actually located in the Philippines. Your burger is physically cooked by workers in China, then transmitted almost instantaneously to the U.S. via a high-speed Advanced Digestible Burger Patty Line (ADBPL).

When you take a commercial airline flight, the plane is actually being controlled from Rio by a 10-year-old girl holding a remote-control joystick in one hand and a lollipop in the other. The ''pilot'' in the front of your plane is a retired security guard whose sole responsibility is to noticewhen the plane starts shaking, and make an announcement that you are experiencing turbulence and kindly wear your seat belts.

When you go to the hospital for surgery, after the anaesthesiologist puts you out, your body is ... You don't want to know.

So many of the western government recently tried to pass a law against outsourcing, only to discover that all federal legislation since 1897 has actually been produced in Taiwan.

So outsourcing is here to stay. Which leads me to my announcement: Starting today, I will no longer personally write my blogs. It will be produced by foreign workers, who, rest assured, are highly trained [which means not from America]. You will notice no drop off in quality as you continue to enjoy the wacky hmogrins of fblsevry lftht hvfrsmnyrs.

The truth behind what the RJs say on radio

It’s really been a long time since I have gone to work and hence I am really out of touch on how to spend my morning hours till lunch. Usually when I go to work, the morning routine really keeps me busy – say reach office and check personal mails, then update Facebook and twitter, check official mails, login to system and read newspaper sites. By the time this routine gets done I am nearing lunch time. Since I don’t have this routine now, I have to rely on the local FM channels for spending my morning hours.

I think I have listened to a lot of FM radio shows now, trust me on this. I have a total of 320 hours of listening done for this month alone and hence I feel that I am a specialist when it comes to exactly knowing what the Radio Jockey is trying to say when they are on AIR.

So you think otherwise, well here I am to prove it to you. I am listing below the most commonly heard phrases and lines from the local channels and my observation about them, read through them and let me know if I am wrong.

RJ: For your pure enjoyment purpose I am giving you 15 minutes of uninterrupted love songs on the air now.
What It Actually Means: I have to go to the bathroom urgently and am not sure how long will it take.

RJ: The following song is dedicated to Raja, Mohan, Sumathi, Priya, Ramesh and Jenifer.
What It Actually Means: Finally the show has some real listeners, why not call them by their names and keep them happy.

RJ: Before the next song starts we’ll have the latest “SkyWatch Weather Report” sponsored by Stag Mark Umbrellas.
What It Actually Means: Let me walk over to the window, look out and give you an update.

RJ: Ummhh ... You are experiencing some technical difficulties currently, we will return shortly, don’t go anywhere stay tuned.
What It Actually Means: I am currently searching for the MP3 CD or have spilt coffee over it.

RJ: I request our patrons to please call us now for any request, lots of prizes to be won. All our lines are open.
What It Actually Means: I really would love to find out if someone is really tuned in to this show.

RJ: “Citizens, Don’t drink and drive”. The following public service message is mandated by the Traffic Police.
What It Actually Means: There are no sponsors for this show and so we make it up with public service messages.

RJ: The next song is a popular number from the 80s; we wish to bring those old songs back to your memories.
What It Actually Means: For Rs0.50 you can get only those discarded 80s songs for playing.

RJ: The next song is from the smashing romantic hit movie [Any New Movie Name Here] which is currently running in Cinemas near you.
What It Actually Means: Although the movie and the song are crap, I want to stay on the “Free Movie Guest” list, so will repeat this song for quite a number of times.

Well it is getting time for the next show now and I have to get moving, so until my next free time, it’s me “Your friendly Neighbourhood Blogger” signing off in style.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

There are times in your life when the day becomes good or it becomes better and sometime the best. Usually the first day of the month would be the best since that is the day when your pockets bulge and you have a complete control over your identity – "An Impulsive Consumer".

For some reason my life pattern does not follow the above, it goes from Bad to Worse finally culminating in “The Worst”. Take for example, from the time I got engaged, to my marriage and from there to having kids and now taking courses on how to change diapers and where to find a good baby sitter. [Q.E.D]

In all these years I find when I look back at these incidences which makes our day, I feel happy that I am not alone, there are many with me. So for all those blokes who are with me, here are a few snippets of incidents about how they turn from Bad to Worse to Worst.


1. While going to a movie

BAD: You are driving to a movie on a Friday night and mid-way find that one of your tyres is flat.
WORSE: You open the boot and find that you do not have a jack.
WORST: The only person in that area who owns a jack is a serial killer.

2. Loan Repayment Papers for TAX filing

BAD: Your loan repayment papers have been locked inside your office locker. You do not have the keys with you now.
WORSE: The Security officer requests for an ID proof, and you do not have one currently.
WORST: The compartment which you wanted the security officer to open after quiet a negotiating talk happens to be of your cubicle mate.

3. Night duty for the project

BAD: You have to provide on-call support during this weekend and the project team is out there on a camping site.
WORSE: The system administrators have called on for impromptu maintenance and shutting down the system.
WORST: The team is camping at the site to distribute awards for the “Best Team Member” which is YOU.

4. Neighbour's Absconding

BAD: Your neighbour decides to move without telling you and once fine day you find their house vacant.
WORSE: They still owe you more than Rs.15000 in cash.
WORST: They have taken all the gym equipments of yours along with them.

5. Project Team Group Photo

BAD: The project team suddenly wants to have the picture of the entire group taken now, you are badly dressed.
WORSE: You have your eyes closed and your mouth slanted in the picture
WORST: Your team picture is the one which is displayed at the reception hall.

6. Corporate Cricket Match

BAD: Your family does not come to the company’s cricket matches
WORSE: When they finally decide to come, you get a golden duck in that game.
WORST: Again your family trusts your talents and decide to come, you are not picked for the game.


Well enough for now: I have only one more scenario left which is about this blog.

BAD: You feel that it was worth a read
WORSE: You feel impulsive to leave a comment “Hey a great blog”
WORST: FWD this to the entire Face Book world.