Sound Sleep: I Am Getting The Wrong One

There is a man -- we'll call him “John Smith” – who went to see a doctor. He was complaining of tiredness, bruises all over his body, shooting pains in his neck, and exclamation marks over his head. The doctor immediately recognized these symptoms: “John Smith” had a snoring problem. At nights, he has being jabbed repeatedly by his wife, trying to make him shut up. Also, somebody had apparently been shooting him from the next apartment.

Yes, snoring is a serious health problem, one that affects more Indians than IPL fatigue and “Breaking News” syndrome combined. Yet many people -- and here I am in no way referring to any of my friends -- refuse to admit that they snore. Even if they routinely emit nocturnal noises that cause Purlins to fly off the roof, they will be outraged that you leap to the conclusion that they are the source of the snoring, knowing pretty well that other than him only you are present in the room.

Women -- and now I am NOT in any way referring to my wife -- tend to be the worst snoring-deniers, because women are taught from an early age that it is not feminine to emit any noise or aroma that would indicate that they are ordinary biological living beings. Men, on the other hand, consider bodily functions to be a highly masculine form of manliness. That's why men are not afraid to haul off and let go of a hearty burp, often as a way to emphasize a rhetorical point even in an important conference. (The next slide shows the average share BBBBBBBBBBBBBuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrppppppppp price [Entire group laughs out loud] ... I rest my case)

Medical science tells us that, one way or another, the average man releases 6,000 units of burping sound per day, and significantly more if he is in an elevator after lunch. Meanwhile, the average woman, striving to be feminine, is keeping all that gas bottled up inside her body. This results in an enormous pressure build-up that can, later in life especially after marriage, cause an explosive and embarrassing medical condition known as “El Niño effect.” This is precisely why one well-known woman -- who, out of respect for her privacy, I will refer to here only as “The Queen of Uttar Pradesh” -- is accompanied at all times by men with Shenai and Tabla.

At this point, it might be a good idea for all of us to rewind and jump to the first paragraph to get what is our topic. OK, there it is, snoring. As I was saying, most of us snore, even though -- and I am STILL not in any way referring to my wife -- we refuse to admit it.

But what is snoring? Since many of us do not know it, let me see if I can help you with some facts about it.

Q: What is Snoring?
A: Medically, it means that the air inside the body is being blocked by some organs in your face thus preventing a free flow, resulting in a Dolby 5.1 surround sound.

Q: How serious is Snoring?
A: There is no seriousness to the snorer but it is those innocent partners who can get complications such as Blood Pressure, Cranial bleeding, Cochleae impedimenta and in some cases insomnia and tendencies of a midnight serial killer.

Q: Who told you all these?
A: I have consulted my close friend who happens to be a national expert on sleep, yes Mr.Deva Gowda. He has also authored a book on the “Hypocritical Life of a Farmer” in which there is a chapter entitled “Hiccups causes Suicide amongst snorers”.

Q: I don’t think I can believe this, is it true?
A: If you can believe that there is no connection between “Kalaigner TV” and the 2G scam, why not this? Or for that matter you still believe that Manmohan is the PM and not Sonia Ji.

Q: Is snoring life threatening?
A: Yes if one of your neighbour is a 7 foot boxer or a criminal lawyer.

Q: OK, So how does one cure this?
A: I here from informed medical sources (Google search) that snoring can be cured by a surgical procedure. Basically they cut open the Larynx and the entire back of your throat.

Q: Some medical journals say the above procedure doesn’t always cure, it is so?
A: Who cares? At least YOU won’t snore right.

OMG – I am not able to make sweeping statements

I know that everyone makes sweeping statements once in a while (I hope this one is not) and it is kind of acceptable in normal life. Having said it, the real problem with sweeping statements are it being made by the same person on a frequent basis.

I make this statement based on factual information from a highly informed source (my cubicle mate). It’s we two who are the most affected by the issue; we are sandwiched between the world’s best sweeping statement makers.

So what the hell is a sweeping statement you may ask, so I looked into the dictionary and all I got was “A sweeping statement is a statement that makes a wide-ranging and complete comment about something, or more often, everything. Unfortunately, it is very common for people to make these sorts of statements when they, in fact, are talking about minor groups rather than "everybody" (this being a word they could use).”

Well since we now know what the statement is, you may be asking me why the hell I am talking about it now. It’s because of this stupid guy (much worse than Forrest Gump to be precise) keeps making a statement every hour and today he said “In general I think that all Girls have an opinion that ‘ALL GUYS ARE JERKS’.“. I started to wonder if it is true.

Well I cannot comment on this, not to the fact that I am married with children, but I find that perhaps this statement of his for once may be true. Also it bought me to another question “Am I losing my touch to make sweeping statements of late?” I think project management really makes people dumb and numb. [This is certainly not a sweeping statement please]

Let me elaborate it for you to understand, It always disappoints me when I hear people involved in technology and people who I follow just go out and say things like "Women are good drivers" and I think it really just loses the credibility of the person making that statement even further. The problem is these people also tend to have a bit of authority and others just listen to whatever they say. Prime example: My boss at work.

Some of the statements made by my boss are listed here and then you decide

1. “All those who work on this project [Drowning] will be compensated well later in the appraisal cycle”
2. “Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t but the Truth will come out”
3. “Every project must track the traceability matrix to ensure quality from now on”
4. “This Subway franchise is bad, so all of them must be bad.”
5. “All my team members are acting like imbecile and I condescend to that fact.”
6. “Everyone must be made accountable in this project for better management”
7. “There is nothing like a stupid question, so what is stopping you from asking something?”
8. “We must all develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learning’s from this project”
9. “The longer you with my project, the more diverse your profile gets.”
10. “If you all work really hard, then eventually we can fix all the problems.”

So now let’s move on to the next group of people who are born sweeping statement makers – well you guessed it right. The women folk have this inherent DNA which gives them the complete control to make sweeping statements at will. You are mostly wondering how I am making such a bold statement; well I look no further from my home – Wife and my Mother --- QED

There has been no end to the subjects that a woman can talk, take from cooking to cornea transplantation, nuclear gas to nanotechnology, cricket to online poker, washing machines to cryogenic engines – they have the capacity to make bold sweeping statements. And for those entire married “Y” chromosome humans who have an inherent capacity to follow will accept these statements and hence all conflicts are resolved.

It’s getting boring and I will come to the topic now (have to somewhere before the end) – recently since I have been given extra work in current role, I feel I do not have the time to make sweeping statements as I did a few years back. Maybe education and my current role is the main reason. Let me also tell you that it was this skill set of providing giant sweeping statements that got me to my current role too. This is why I am a little perturbed now that I am losing my skill set.

So I guess I have to go back to my basics ie. Start listening closely to my wife, and then get back to some real-time training (Facebook/Orkut Chat) to sharpen my skills since the appraisal cycle in my company is nearing and I have to fill huge chunks of forms stating my achievements in the past year. So folks wish me luck and send me some statements for my reserve.

Overused Words and Phrases - In the Corporate World

What should I be doing? Its Deepavali time and I am sitting inside a conference room and listening to the LCD projectors sound while 10 others fight it out for some silly reason. Then it struck me to just note down some of those words/phrases that keeps on repeating and here is the list.

A good one too - kept me awake for the entire 3 hour session. I have listed it in Alphabetical order for your easy readability.

I am not making this up, but I heard all these words in the past 3 hours of useless meeting session. I have included only those words which had been repeated more than 3 times, I have a few which came only once but to cut the list short have eliminated them.

So when I sit for the next meeting after Deepavali will update this page with those which I come across.

For now enjoy ....

[A]
absolutely (when used instead of "yes")
accountability
action items
all-hands meeting
alternative
at the end of the day

[B]
back-end
benchmark(ing)
best practices
big picture
bottom line
buy-in

[C]
client focus(ed)
closure
communications channel
core competencies
cross-platform
customer-focused

[D]
deliverables
drill down

[E]
enable
excellence
exponential(-ly)

[F]
fact of the matter
fast track
flexible
fool-proof

[G}
game plan
gap analysis
go the extra mile
goal-setting

[H]
heads up

[I]
in the loop (to add me)
innovate
issue list

[J]
joint responsibility

[K]
key players

[L]
leadership
low-hanging fruit

[M]
matrix
methodology
multitask(ing)

[N]
Networking

[O]
on the same page
opportunity
out-of-the-box
ownership

[P]

performance-based
prioritize
proactive
process review

[Q]
Quality

[R]
ramp up
reality check
regroup
revisit
robust

[S]
scalable
scenario
skill set
streamline
synergy

[T]
task force
think outside the box
total quality
touch base
24/7

[U]
utilize

[V]
validate
value-add

[W]
world class

[X]

[Y]

[Z]

It's For Your Safety

Whatever you are doing, drop it right now, everything unless it is your baby. Because I have obtained some shocking information regarding our National Security - information that I am going to reveal to you now, despite the chilling fact that, by revealing it, I am placing myself in direct peril of winning a Nobel Prize for Peace or appearing on National TV News shows whichever comes earlier. **: Conditions apply.

This information will be the greatest single security threat to our nation, as measured not only by the magnitude of the vote bank politics, but also by the number of condemned Ravan movie CDs.

That's right: I am referring to our National Security Policy. As you may recall, we are still to have one in place, yet the parliament continue to dream of having one which is running at very high efficiency. Why do I say it, just look at the Naxals, they are better communicated and planned than our security forces. So why am I been so paranoids and finicky about this issue? Well I have been frisked more than the whole population of Guatemala in total.

What has this got to do with me, I am being frisked all the way from my office till I reach my home and for no reason. Look at it this way, I was stopped yesterday night near my office entrance, asked to blow for alcohol traces and then frisked for dangerous weapons and drugs. I am at work just finishing off a bug tracking status call. Imagine what would be my feeling.

It’s not the frisking that bothers me but the way they do it. Let me walk through a sample scenario.

They make you walk though a wooden structure that continuously displays a sign “WALK” and makes a beeping sound much similar to buffalo soldiers by Bob Marley. I judiciously walk through it expecting it not to make a beep sound and get the security officers attention.

Security Officer (from now on the stated person shall be known as Singaram): Sir, this way please.
Myself: (raising my hands and kneeling down) Yes sir.

Singaram does an act like a massage par lour assistant except that his hands do not have oil and runs through my vital statistics. The application speed and hand pressure increase with time and he does this routine till the time I shriek my voice in pain. He then says: OK sir, open your bag.

I think Microsoft makes their laptop OS programmed to stop running exactly when needed viz. meetings, airport security inspection etc. Singaram finds my laptop and asks me to open it and show that it’s a working one. I frantically press few keys, then thump random keys hard and finally jump on it and yet it wouldn’t start. He looks upon me up and down as though I resemble a Colombian drug smuggler (I may look like that but for the slim Charlie Chaplin moustache) with my consignment inside this small laptop.

While this is going on, there is a big built guy, whose arms has a total area the size of Gibraltar and is carrying 2 automated machine guns and a .38 pistol, safely riding on a T-90 tank. He is stopped by Singaram and asked “Sir, Do you have anything to declare as unsafe?”
Guy (in a husky voice): Nothing but these. He shows 2 lays potato chips packet and some confidential reports from his bag.

Singaram: OK you can proceed.

All the while the wooden machine was playing the beep tones and when this unruly big guy passes, it stops and is totally noiseless. Soon as this guy whistles pass me, I am back in contention for singaram’s attention. He now passes my laptop through a baking oven followed by a coolant shower and finally through a CT scan. Yes I am exaggerating a little; the coolant shower was not present there. After all this I am pronounced as a SAFE PERSON and asked to leave.

I am still wondering on that night, why are everybody being checked for which Singaram sincerely answers “Sir, Independence Day is coming next week and these are some safety measures taken in your interest”. My thought are exactly as yours – how come frisking some software professionals at the outskirts of the city where no civiliasation exists make the city any safer than before. Well, you can’t reason out with government policies just like the software quality audits.

Somebody has to let Singaram know not to trust that machine and to look around the world to see things as they are. Well, I can’t get my software quality audit teams to do the same. All they see and ask is for reports and audit points not worried about the actual software content. The auditors are equipped to ask for details and not to look into those details when supplied. Then how do I except these local security guards to do a better job.

The one thing that bemuses me more is, even with this pathetic scenario my city looks clam and safe place. Sometime these things cannot be explained but have to be felt, like in Pammal.K.Sambandam “Aaraya Kudathu, Anubhavi kanum”

Client Interaction - 101 Course

In computer service industries, Client means GOD and client is bigger than Sachin Tendulkar. Many a times we find ourselves in positions that we have to face the clients either in their wrath or in desperate situations. Never does a team member face a happy client.

Anyway, there are certain phrases or sentences that a member should not utter during a conversation with the client and am listing them below:

1. We were totally surprised it worked
2. We just thought it was a nice thing to do
3. I am doing this only to stay billable
4. Oops it’s crashed
5. Previous work by XXX is actually very good
6. To be honest, we came up with the solution after the testing
7. The results are just OK
8. Future work … ah ha who are you kidding? We won’t get more funding to do this.
9. It only took us just 20 days to complete this testing, don’t know who did the planning
10. I think we did a good job in spite of being new to this domain
11. How it works and what the document says is not totally in sync.
12. Ohh, we are not supposed to use the production environment for testing?
13. What is the procedure for rolling back the transaction?
14. We never had any back-up plans
15. You mean we had super-user access to these log files
16. I thought we were going to do this in Phase-[XXX] of the project
17. So I should not have overwritten those log files?
18. We still are yet to get an architect in our team
19. Traceability matrix – what does that mean?
20. It is really tough programming in C++ … what, you mean we had to do it in Java?

Talent Show Judges - A Crash Course

I have been watching crap TV programs for a long time in cable (since May 1998) and now I feel like I need to be a part of this event rather than simply watching it. So I tried my hand at cricket. I scored at a very brisk pace, was consistent, could handle the short pitched balls, was trim and fit, bowled spin and never missed a catch. So the Indian team management felt that I was not the best fit for their team, also I did not suffer from IPL fatigue. My head hung and I was disappointed that I could not make it to the TV. Just then did I realise that I had a lot of potentials in the reality TV shows.

Reality television is a genre of programmes that is supposed to present unscripted dramatic or humourous programs but in reality it doesn’t. Confused as to what I am saying here, well reality television programmes started out to be not rehearsed and extempore in nature but then it did not draw much of response from the audiences and hence they turned to a little dramatised and rehearsed reality programs which has created waves in the media market today.

The genre initially covered a wide range of program formats, from game shows, talk shows to quiz shows. The main aim of the show is to portray the participants in a highly modified and influenced form of reality which means acting thereby utilising sensationalism to attract innocent viewers for Target Rating Points (TRP). Participants are selected by testing the acting ability of the person to improvise the situation given in such a way as to display realism as well as acting abilities at the same time.

OK enough about Reality shows and talent hunt shows, let’s get to business. If you need yourself to be equipped with the linguistics of a judge you need to have certain jargons in your vocabulary. You don’t have to go anywhere to search them; I have compiled them here for your benefit. I also will answer some of your more thought provoking questions on talent shows.

Situation: You heard one of the worst renditions of a hit song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a superb performance, I have never seen one like this before. A good job. God Bless you, all the best. I have a few clarifications to make, the pitching of the song was not to tune, your beats were out of sync, the voice dynamics were not up to the mark, other than that the overall you performance was really excellent … I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You heard one of the best renditions of a hit song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a superb performance, it should be termed a stellar performance. I knew you would deliver just like this … great song selection, good dress, nice body language - your performance was really excellent … I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You hear one of the renditions of a hit song which you don’t like. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a superb performance, god bless you, you have a bright career if you continue to practice hard and improve your voice … I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You heard one of a decent or average rendition of a hit song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “What a scintillating performance, you look like a complete performer. If you can manage to sing like this for another 10 years you could easily make it to the top. Thanks for the song selection, nice body language, good voice dynamics, you sang with conviction - your performance was really excellent … on par with the rest, I give you 8 on 10”.

Situation: You heard one of the best renditions of a worst song. How do you give your feedback?
You have to say something in the lines of “this performance deserves a standing ovation; it should be termed a stellar performance. You took such a tough song and delivered the exact feelings of the song … your voice throw was good, nice movements, on the whole your performance was really excellent than we expected … I give you 8 on 10”.

Some of the jargons which is needed in your vocabulary
1. You are a complete performer
2. Voice dynamics needs to be up
3. Throw your voice
4. Understand the emotions
5. There is a slight crack in your voice
6. Swallow the song
7. Feel the modulation
8. Vocal chemistry is missing
9. Justice to the song
10. You choose a tough song and rendered it better
11. Superb, no words to say
12. You have matured into a fine artist
13. I never expected this kind of a performance from you – Bravo
14. God Bless You
15. You have a great future (Never mention in what)

Kindly memorize these jargons and style of feedback and then you are completly qualified as a Reality or Talent hunt show judge.

Now for the FAQ

Ques: How do I become a Talent hunt show judge?
Answ: Just record a few feedback analyses in a CD and mail it to the producer of the show

Ques: Is that all I have to do?
Answ: Yes, they will come back with 2 days after reviewing your CD.

Ques: Won’t these viewers know that we are just fooling around?
Answ: SHUT UP – do want to come on TV or not?

Ques: I am not so famous; can I still make it to a judge?
Answ: We have so many channels and too many show, too few judges so you are always in demand.

Ques: I don’t have any experience in anything, what to do?
Answ: Neither does the contestants, so why do you worry. Producer only looks for TRP ratings.

Ques: Do I have to update any other skills?
Answ: Yes, you have to look either too profession or too local. One of them is a must.

Ques: What do you mean by local?
Answ: Enough of questions, get on with your make up, we are going live in 5 minutes.

Ques: What is the program?
Answ: Caretel Super Flusher Jr – Season 2. Search for the best toilet flusher in town

The Open Music begins [Dramatic One too – Water Flushing]

Our Governments Report Card - A Birds Eye View

Statutory Warning: Any name or event appearing in this blog is purely based on fictional new items and television shows. If there are any resemblances it is purely coincidental.

I have been watching the special programs for a long time (since May 1981) and now I feel like I need to be a part of this event rather than simply watching it. I am here alluring to the KPA-II (Kangress Party Alliance) report card. I guess that every television channel network now has a total working creativity capacity of a deranged mutant cabbage.

Reality television is a genre of programmes that is supposed to present unscripted dramatic or humourous programs but in reality it doesn’t. They have started covering the achievements of the government of India in the last one year. I know that you will be rolling out in the ground over but this is not a reality show but an out and out humourous show.

Let us loot – opss sorry for the typo. The moment I say government even the keyboard seems to know that LOOT is what comes to our mind. Anyway back to the topic, let us look at the contestants and see how they have fared.

The Hero – Prime minister: Dr. Madam’s Maid Servant (MMS) who is a very soft and non-politician guy but have the most important attribute to be the head, a perfect puppet.

The Heroin – Party President: Ms.Gonia Shandhi who is an aggressive and dimwitted person with loads of cash and network across the globe. She is the person right enough to pull the strings of our Hero.

The 2nd Heroin – Kayawati: A power centre who always is welcomed with a garland worth Rs.13 lakhs. She wants to have herself pulling the strings of the PM or possibly wants to play the Hero’s role herself.

The Financier: Mr.Mranab Pukerjee: Here is a man capable of running the entire fiscal dealing of the country, the only things is he confuses himself between credit & debit column in his budget. Foreseeing this small mistake, he is THE man to run our economy from WORSE to WORST.

The Security Officer: Mr.C.Phidambaram – A man who has lost a creamy portfolio and landed in a minefield. His soul duty is to make statements on improving our homeland security while a bomb goes off next to his meeting place. The threat to this bomb had been given to him via different mediums such as e-mails, SMS, courier, in-person delivery and official broadcast also.

The Communication Expert: Mr.R.Aaja – the person who has a total brain working capacity of dialing 100 for fire emergencies but was reluctantly put on a job to handle communication policies. He is a very shy person, infact sees his own wife behind the kitchen doors and needs his grandfather’s help in bailing him out of controversies.

The Educationalist – Mr. Sapil Kibil – the person who wants to implement what every kid dreams off – school days without exams. He wants to make sure that none of the student is unhappy and abolish all kinds of unwanted elements from the present schooling system such as exams, grades, teachers, moral science subjects et all.

The High Flier – Mr.Kraful Matel – a person who is apt for a high flying portfolio. There are no worries for him by his portfolio flagship concern making loss after loss every year since he earns his lions share from the lucrative IPL league.

The Trainer – Ms. Bamtha Mannerjee – a hardcore fanatic of something which I have no clue about, but am certain that she is a fanatic of something. Her high pitched shrill voice and absolute non-constructive ideas make her as a joker in the pack of cards. She is pretty much training herself to come back to power in her own state – which is Bengal and is in a pretty bad state too.

The Rightful Owner to the Throne – Mr. Gahul Rhandhi, a young energetic boy who thinks that drinking chai with locals and travelling in second class (Not to be mistaken with cattle class, since this is not tweeter) will earn him more trust as an Aam Adhmi Netha. The point to note is that he always wears Armani, Nike and Rolex but prefers chai in mud tumblers. His dream is to over throw the current hero (the puppet) and take the cake and eat it too all by himself.

The Law maker – Mr. Meerappa Voily – a loyalist to the party president and acts only on her directions. He is very strict that he will only abide by the party presidents word. Not much of powers are entrusted to him. Hence he is still pondering to take a decision to hang a confirmed pickpocket named Vasab.

The Culinary Man – Mr. Pharad Sawar, a man in charge of producing food grains for the entire nation but he doesn’t have time to overlook it since he has to run the ICC as a chairman. He has to see that India wins at least one world cup when he is with ICC while many farmers die due to lack of policies from his portfolio.

The Personnel department – Mr. K.S.Mrishna – who is not much of a person to talk about but has a deputy who has lots to talk on, Mr. Thashi Sharoor. His deputy is always seen in tweeter making comments which are very complimentary to his party’s governance.

The Villains – you cannot have a show that has no villans, we are not making a Disney Cartoon movie for kids. So the villains are in the form of JBP, Left, Right, Yulayam Madav, Sulayam Mingh, Sarjun Aingh, Bamitab Aachan etc. These guys currently have no scope in the story until 2014 when the next general elections are due.

So if you can imagine a reality show with all these contestants what would you have – a ball of a time, much better than Parliamentary Session.