The Top 15 Events that tell you that your company is going to down-size drastically
15. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, “Inky-Pinky-Ponky.”
14. Your workday consists of coming in at 10, thinking up where to lunch with your coworkers and then leaving at 5.
13. Windows XP shutdown screen reads, “It’s Now Safe to Start Looking for Another Job.”
12. Company recreation room is access controlled now.
11. Sudden proliferation of IIT engineers as interns.
10. Your boss keeps asking you “Do you like your present assignment?”
9. Company president now driving a Hyundai Santro myself.
8. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned company guest house.
7. You are allowed to take only 4 print-outs per day (Back-to-Back).
6. Guard at front desk nervously smiles at you whenever you pass by.
5. Giant yard sale of used laptops/desktops in front of corporate headquarters.
4. Babes in the HR suddenly start flirting with dorky technical managers.
3. Employee Discount for your company’s products are discontinued with immediate effect.
2. Company dental plan now is applicable only to select management employees.
and
1. Sign Your Company Is Planning A Layoff …
President begins weekly meetings, “Good morning, you ignorant developers and testers.”
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
Chandramukhi – II: Erandaam Pagudhi
I am at last really happy that I am the first man to have the scripts for the sequel to the block buster Chandramukhi. I am calling it Chandramukhi-II: Erandaam Pagudhi which for the legal records will show as I am the first to write a sequel.
I am daringly proud of this script which was penned without sleeping or eating except for 2 dinner buffets and 35 minutes in total. I feel like it is really a very heavy work. Guess what would have been for the original scripter writers who had taken twice the amount just to plagiarize the Malayalam script.
As you may know, the original movie titled “Chandramukhi” garnered a record 96 awards including: The best motion picture which was screened for 700 weeks without a single viewer, best makeup artist to make the hero look viewable, best motion picture lasting longer than the Bofor’s case, best supporting role for displaying total lunacy on screen, best movie with copied scripts. The one thing which is very clear from this movie is that if the hero was really a doctor as claimed in real life, he would be hanging upside down in his clinic held by his patients.
The phenomenal success of “Chandramukhi: I - the original” as served as a rebuttal to all the critics in the cinema world that one can make blockbuster movies with copied scripts. Hence, I am saying with full confidence that the script writers are the most talented men in history including Shakespeare, Darwin, Edison and all the four Beatles combined. Why I am saying this is that the script writers will pay me a hefty amount for the sequel.
(The movie opens with a bullock cart moving at high speed and lot of thumping sounds in the background. The hero is sleeping with hay on his face)
Savarana: Whew, I am 50 and still can fight 8 fellows 20 years younger than me.
Senthil: I thought you were in Himalayas, how come you are here?
Savarana: The director said he can’t do an entry scene for me in the Himalayas, so had to come down.
Senthil: How did you manage the cold wave there?
Savarana: Fortunately, they had put 50 coats of whiteners through which the cold could not penetrate. By the way who is this?
Ganga: I am ganga remember you saved my life the last time …
Savarana: But ganga was played by Jothika
Ganga: She didn’t want to do another movie with you in the same mental costume. So they looked for a younger female and chose me, I am baby Sandhya.
(The scene shifts to the haunted house)
Murugesan: Do we really need to go inside this house?
Saravana: We have no other option, the eerie sound-track has already began
Murugesan: I hear some spooky sound, do you hear the same?
Savarana: Don’t be silly; what is the chance that they are going to make the same movie plot again?
(There is a loud cluttering sound, the computer animations start with a 50 feet snake and a Stegosaurus coming straight at Savaranan)
(The scene shifts to the family house, all of them are curious as to who the villain is? Saravanan tries to help them)
Villian: Out of my way, I am not prepared to fight another loosing battle with him.
Saravana: No, you have a signed contract and better fight with me else I have to do a duet song shot in Iran with this girl who is twice younger than me.
Villian: For that reason I agree.
Fight goes on and eventually Saravanan (an acclaimed psychiatrist) wins the battle hands down.
The scene shifts to the D-Day, the festival in which Chandramukhi plans to elope with her lover and killing the king Vettiyar.
Saravana: Look through this pin hole and you will understand how bad Ganga dances.
Prahu: (After looking through the window slit) Yenna Kodumai edhu Saravanan
Saravana: Now as per plan let’s spilt and meet at the centre hall after 5 minutes
Senthil: Why 5 minutes? Do you have some kind of a plan?
Saravana: No, That’s how long the climax song runs.
Audience: (Running out of the show)
Director: Why are all of them running?
Audience 1: It’s the song “RA RA” again
Director: Why?? you don’t like it?
Audience 1: Yeah I like it but the music director comes at the end and says “Repeat a” and the song starts again. Once is too many for this song.
I am daringly proud of this script which was penned without sleeping or eating except for 2 dinner buffets and 35 minutes in total. I feel like it is really a very heavy work. Guess what would have been for the original scripter writers who had taken twice the amount just to plagiarize the Malayalam script.
As you may know, the original movie titled “Chandramukhi” garnered a record 96 awards including: The best motion picture which was screened for 700 weeks without a single viewer, best makeup artist to make the hero look viewable, best motion picture lasting longer than the Bofor’s case, best supporting role for displaying total lunacy on screen, best movie with copied scripts. The one thing which is very clear from this movie is that if the hero was really a doctor as claimed in real life, he would be hanging upside down in his clinic held by his patients.
The phenomenal success of “Chandramukhi: I - the original” as served as a rebuttal to all the critics in the cinema world that one can make blockbuster movies with copied scripts. Hence, I am saying with full confidence that the script writers are the most talented men in history including Shakespeare, Darwin, Edison and all the four Beatles combined. Why I am saying this is that the script writers will pay me a hefty amount for the sequel.
(The movie opens with a bullock cart moving at high speed and lot of thumping sounds in the background. The hero is sleeping with hay on his face)
Savarana: Whew, I am 50 and still can fight 8 fellows 20 years younger than me.
Senthil: I thought you were in Himalayas, how come you are here?
Savarana: The director said he can’t do an entry scene for me in the Himalayas, so had to come down.
Senthil: How did you manage the cold wave there?
Savarana: Fortunately, they had put 50 coats of whiteners through which the cold could not penetrate. By the way who is this?
Ganga: I am ganga remember you saved my life the last time …
Savarana: But ganga was played by Jothika
Ganga: She didn’t want to do another movie with you in the same mental costume. So they looked for a younger female and chose me, I am baby Sandhya.
(The scene shifts to the haunted house)
Murugesan: Do we really need to go inside this house?
Saravana: We have no other option, the eerie sound-track has already began
Murugesan: I hear some spooky sound, do you hear the same?
Savarana: Don’t be silly; what is the chance that they are going to make the same movie plot again?
(There is a loud cluttering sound, the computer animations start with a 50 feet snake and a Stegosaurus coming straight at Savaranan)
(The scene shifts to the family house, all of them are curious as to who the villain is? Saravanan tries to help them)
Villian: Out of my way, I am not prepared to fight another loosing battle with him.
Saravana: No, you have a signed contract and better fight with me else I have to do a duet song shot in Iran with this girl who is twice younger than me.
Villian: For that reason I agree.
Fight goes on and eventually Saravanan (an acclaimed psychiatrist) wins the battle hands down.
The scene shifts to the D-Day, the festival in which Chandramukhi plans to elope with her lover and killing the king Vettiyar.
Saravana: Look through this pin hole and you will understand how bad Ganga dances.
Prahu: (After looking through the window slit) Yenna Kodumai edhu Saravanan
Saravana: Now as per plan let’s spilt and meet at the centre hall after 5 minutes
Senthil: Why 5 minutes? Do you have some kind of a plan?
Saravana: No, That’s how long the climax song runs.
Audience: (Running out of the show)
Director: Why are all of them running?
Audience 1: It’s the song “RA RA” again
Director: Why?? you don’t like it?
Audience 1: Yeah I like it but the music director comes at the end and says “Repeat a” and the song starts again. Once is too many for this song.
They keep a dummy corpse of the king and Ganga avenges her thirst and all are happy. I don’t want to dissect the plot on how Saravanan arrives at the conclusions, for that you have to wait for the release of this movie on the silver screen
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
US Visa: A mid-summer Night's Dream
[Setting: A Scene at a software office during the pre-Y2K era.]
Since Mohenjodaro and Harrappa days, IT industry has had its own say in the many different stages of Visa processing. Here is a small introduction about all these types.
The prerequisite before you are called upon for the first stage is that the Manager would come and call you only when you are surrounded by 43 employees at your tea break. Then he will proceed ask you if you were willing to travel to the US, Slovakian Republic or to Uganda. Most of the employee using the method of elimination (same as in KBC) choose US and says he is geared up to go. Then the second question to follow this is if he/she can relocate within short notice. A short notice for them varies from 1 day for an overseas trip notice to 287 weeks for approving a technical book.
The first Stage is Resume Collection: This is one of the most preliminary stages wherein the Manager would come running at your seat and pestering you to give in your most recent resume. Here, the word most recent means resumes that are only nanoseconds old. (Note: Not even a day old resume shall be accepted.)
In this kind of a situation, the employee would sit down and prepares a resume, in a traditional format. No one would be able to tell the difference between an ancient Egyptian inscription and the traditional format. One shall always wonder why such fonts and sub-headings are chosen in the first place. Although the main rationale of a resume is lost, we still have to act in accordance with these rules furnishing unnecessary information such as my neighbour’s chest size, my favourite pet's name, do you like Abhishek Bhachan etc.
While this process of building a latest resume is going on, the Managers can't wait. They look like cats that have sipped a boiling hot pan of milk and keep jumping here and there. Their momentous commands makes you think that they would even try going and sitting inside the Printer and pull the paper so that they could tender the resume.
Once tendered, then it's left to lie low like how you prepare mango pickles. Collect all of them and FILE it, File is the last nail in the coffin. For a debutante, filing the resume means a lot since he doesn’t know that this is the one and only step in this type of processing. After a few submissions, he is more matured and just changes a few words here and there in his name, so that it is qualified as a Latest Resume. (Note: Further matured employee file in the previous version without any change since mostly all managers can’t even differentiate between a Word File and a Carbon Paper)
Only if an employee has had more than 6 resumes collected from him is entitled to enter the second round of processing.
The second stage is Telephonic Interview or in technical jargon Conference Call: Since the employees in this stage have already felt the mental trauma of preparing resume after resume, they are giving a small break. In this stage, the managers call the overseas department and fixes up a time for an interview. This time is generally during the nights since most of the clients belong to the Wild West.
Although the time of the call is very uncomfortable, the employees are again made to fall into the same trap as in stage one by saying that if the interview goes well, then its barely hours before you leave this country. Employees are also not given much time to prepare for an interview, and are handed over a bunch of mock sessions that closely resembles the Shakespeare's Hamlet, with a bold message "Something rotten in burning in Denmark". These booklets which are purely aimed to help an employee better in building a conversation, is in fact mainly used as a bib for many lunches to come.
For example:
Interviewer Question: Hi, this is Jim, how are you doing today?
Employee : Hello Jim, I am [Your Name] (Note, Please don’t say Hi Jim, when his name is Tom)
Interviewer Question: Tell me in short about yourself?
Employee : Poorly paid hairy weasel. (Note: This is an assumption that you are in a software consulting job)
Interviewer Question: What is your Weak Point?
Employee : Females (Note: Be specific for example Blondes. Red necked or Spanish)
The employee has been given a date and time and made to hang around through the night waiting for the call. He very closely resembles those people who go to receive their cousins coming by the Howrah Mail. Never has this train, to the best of my knowledge, come on time and so is the interview call. Since being a Quality oriented organisation, you are required to stay till you can be sure that the call did not happen. Let’s assume that the call was to be at 8:00PM and then the algorithm is that the employee waits till 3:45AM the following day to clarify that the client hasn’t called.
The next plan of action for the manager is to again call the overseas department group and fix up another appointment and then turn to tell you that the client was off to Hawaii on that day as the mail which he sent had reached a bit late. Hence, the employee has to redo all the things on the second day too. This continues for 5 days (not contiguous days), after which the overseas department group get wild and disclose that the client has found another suitable candidate.
The only good thing here is that, this doesn’t damage you in anyway. In case the client had called for an interview and then you had failed, that was the last time you can think of going abroad through this organisation. Now, since there is no faux pas of yours, you shall be expected to do this routine again.
On an average you repeat the above procedure for 4 times and after which you finally attend a call. You were supposed to be interviewed by a Web Development project manager, but the call is from an Accountant of the client who purely asks what your name is and what salary are you drawing currently and things like that. Since the helpful tips given by the organisation didn’t carry these you make up by answering on the spur of the moment.
For Example:
Interviewer Question: Hi, this is Tom, How are you doing today?
Employee : Hi, this is Mahesh here and I am doing pretty lousy since you have called 4 hours late.
Interviewer Question: J (laughs)! I am not sorry. Now what's the salary that you are drawing?
Employee : Almost close to Zero
Interviewer Question: What is your Expectation?
Employee : $23 Billion per Annum
CLICK!!! The Phone hangs up.
The overseas department group conveys that the call was well handled by you and they would get back to you by tomorrow. This is the only time that they are prompt, they call you up tomorrow to say that you were technically not sound to handle such a tough project and hence you had to repeat all over again for another Web Development project.
Assuming you get through 7 client interview, it brings us to the Third Stage called the Consulate Visiting: In this stage we fill up those 2,94,587 forms that repeat the same questions like shown in below:
Form 1023
(Fill it in Bat’s Blood only, NO owl blood. Please use Hebrew Font Only)
1. Has the employee ever flown to Madagascar and Sent Back due to Flu
Yes/No
2. Does the employee wish to take his Neighbor's Wife along with him
Yes/No
2a.
If answered yes for 2, please specify which Neighbour
Name Age Relationship with you Sex
3. Do you need Money from your Organisation *
Yes/No
4.Do you own any share of Infosys Ltd **
Yes/No
5. What is the purpose of this visit
A/B/C/D/E/F
A) Tour to Intel
B) Detailed Weather Report
C) Refer Invitation Fax
1. Has the employee ever flown to Madagascar and Sent Back due to Flu
Yes/No
2. Does the employee wish to take his Neighbor's Wife along with him
Yes/No
2a.
If answered yes for 2, please specify which Neighbour
Name Age Relationship with you Sex
3. Do you need Money from your Organisation *
Yes/No
4.Do you own any share of Infosys Ltd **
Yes/No
5. What is the purpose of this visit
A/B/C/D/E/F
A) Tour to Intel
B) Detailed Weather Report
C) Refer Invitation Fax
D) Y3K COBOL patch fixes
E) None of the Above
F) All of the Above
*: If yes, you may not be permitted to leave for overseas assignments.
**: If yes then surrender them if you want to leave, If NO please buy them and then surrender them to us.
Once you have filled in the essential forms (in triplets), they instruct the travel agent to send the forms to the consulate. As any Indian travel agent, he juggles with the forms and the certificates, which creates an alarm in the consulate and they land up calling the manager. The manager, who in the brightest time of the day, will hum and haw in their replies causing the embassy officials to panic This results the person to appear for a direct face-to-face interview.
As a customary thumb rule, the last employee whom the company doesn’t want to appear before the embassy is the one who is chosen. For these kind of emergency events also we have a document. (This is because we are a CMM level company which has documents for everything from going to the lavatory till using carbon papers) The employee has to rehearse and practice before he leaves for the interview.
A typical sample is shown below
Consulate Interviewer : So how long to do you plan to stay in the US
Employee : All daylong and the night too if you allow us.
Consulate Interviewer : What is the purpose of the visit?
Employee : To spearhead a new pilot project in DVD domain at Sony Labs.
Consulate Interviewer : Do you know anything about Chip Technologies?
Employee : Yes, many of them like Potato, Tomato and Plantain.
Consulate Interviewer : Could you clearly and lucidly elaborate about your credentials
Employee : (Tamil) Soaka Sonna lady, Naanum Edhai Yengayavadhu use pandren Catch my point.
(Note: see Michael Madhana KamaRajan, the film for more clarity)
By all things, Murphy's Law works to its true nature. What must go wrong will go wrong and the chosen candidate does answer in the same lines as shown above and gets himself rejected. Once rejected, the candidate is crestfallen since he now has to initiate from the first stage yet again after a year. Now it’s been unofficially established that when you are summoned for an interview use your brain and not the handy sheet that the company gives for reference.
For some lucky candidates, they bypass this step and get their passports stamped and do the next step which is Post-Stamping. Along with this, the Managers also show a variety of documents such as a Sunnyvale Road Map, a proposed Project Plan without any reference to your name in it, 1385 sites that show what the actual project is about etc. These things are shown so that they develop a confidence in the employee’s mind, while he is well trapped into this drama. The employee is made to believe that he should be able to leave at any moment in the next 48 hours.
The build-up for this event is so pleasant that right from the Project Manager to the Project Leader, they give such nice sugary dialogues that make each of the selected employee's float in their dreams. Many things will look like happening from a fairy tale. (In most cases it's SLEEPING BEAUTY.) You would start to wonder if it’s the same HR that made you wait for 345 hours for a Salary advance are now staying late to send in your papers 456 hours before the deadline, but with a valid H1 all these will happen.
Many new employees, who have not gone through the first and second stage for some reason, fail to understand the principle motive behind this drama. This is purely done to keep the employee busy and also give an impression that he is really an asset to the organisation.(According to a survey employees came 8th in the most valuable asset in an organization, 7th was Carbon Paper) As the hour's starts to tick down, the Visa comes through without any problem, the flight tickets are all confirmed and the Foreign exchange all comes through with just a single nod.
In the meantime, the fresh employee would be on a spending spree right from a baggage to all the masala mixes, while the seasoned professional traveler remain as stationary as a rock watching the events with at most calmness. At some time nearing the 30 hours mark, the Manager could call upon those who are supposedly to leave in a tone as to convey perhaps how to conduct ourselves or whom to meet once we reach the US. The actual ulterior motive is to convey the best climax statement in this drama, the TRIP stands CANCELLED.
The way a manger normally says this news is shown below
Case I:
Manager : (sad voice if the team is really big) I got a Good/Bad news for you. Which do you prefer?
Employee : Sir, I prefer the Good news first.
Manager : Well, here is the good news, the Hurricane Andrew is not going to hit San Jose as expected. Also Salma Hayek is going to do a live show there after you reach.
Employee : HAHA (Background thinking about the Bad news)
Manager : The Bad news is that you will not be there in San Jose to witness that event. We have just heard that the project has been suspended.
Case II:
Manager : (sadder voice if the team is big) I got a Good/Bad news for you. Which do you prefer?
Employee : Sir, I prefer the Good news first.
Manager : Well, here is the good news, The Malaysian Flight is not going to be hijacked as expected.
Employee : HAHA (Background thinking about the Bad news)
Manager : The Bad news is that you will not be there in that flight. We have just heard that the project has been suspended.
Of course the employee may have faced many a trauma, but at this juncture it gives him some solace because he is not alone in this group.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Gen-Next Cellular: Next Best To Cochlear Implantations
“Come here Watson, I need you” was what Graham Bell shouted when his assistant was playing with the Sony Playstation-III … or perhaps he was doing something which was irritating Mr.Bell a lot. This was how I knew of telephone communications and I grew up with an idea of phones being in Black colour and using rotary dials with which we can easily end up making many wrong numbered combinations. You also had a lot of choice with the service provider namely BSNL. The services which they offered were either delayed or put on hold and never cared for.
Times have changed and in today’s trendy world of cellular phones which are so small (an example the size of your brain) that they have discounted the earpiece and the microphones. No, they have improved in technology so much that you would have to buy a phone every 3 minutes since the older one would be obsolete by then. The telecommunication industry I am sure is run by some monkey brained scientist since they churn up some many acronyms like WLL, CDMA, WAP, SIM, GPRS, GSM, IIT-JEE, NIIT etc that end up making you look bewildered when trying to choose a model.
To top this off, the service providers would lay their conditions that TRI-BAND with GPRS would work only if you have MMS, WAP, ECG and EEG enabled on your set. It has reached a point where I feel that for want of peace that I go to a store and give him some money. Then get an empty match-box with some strings and make my own instrument thereby saving me from insanity. Only restrictions are that the other party is just 20 feet away from you.
It’s certain that the days have changed, considering the level of tech-knowledge, capacity to add two 4 digit numbers it would be impossible to remember your own car license number. Yet the cellular manufacturers models that have vague numbers which you have to remember when going to shop. Perhaps these manufacturers keep flipping the scientific data books for known numbers like 22/7 (Pi), Planks constant, De Broglie’s wave equations, Avogadro number, Boltzmann’s constant for their model numbers.
The result, I am (of course you are also in the same boat) confused and bewitched on what to choose. Many of the tech-savvy people always talk with respect to the model numbers such as “Yo man, got to see the K750i-(32-5/9F) model, it has better features than the N50-1.414i series in terms of nuclear surface-to-air missile launching capabilities”. Taking of capabilities gone are the days when you could only talk on your phone, today’s model come with many much needed services such as music player, video player, microwave oven, missile launchers, tool box, doping kit etc. With all these bloated services, we tend to forget what this instrument is supposed to work as by default.
Back in the old days there was the "Tring-Tring" kind of ring tone which was the same anywhere in the world, but with technology improving today we have 10 billion options with 23,000 settings for a ring tone. I guess one needs a separate user manual (the size of T-Rex) for adjusting the ring tones and other phone settings such as special ring tones when your neighbour’s wife, Citibank officials or Income Tax officer calls. The ring tones are normally kept with an audible range of 20KM radius. Due to the disturbance that it causes in any closed office environment, people are advised to keep the phone in vibrating mode which when set will vibrate rapidly measuring 7.9 on the Richter scale.
The biggest nuisance with getting a mobile connection is in trying to avoid the telemarketers. I guess these giant organisation send persons to eavesdrop on those who get a new connection and then start bombarding them with calls at odd hours for services such as toilet repairs, eloping with your team mates, facials & massages, personal loans for helicopters, financial schemes for buying vegetables etc. They also try and put a dumb person as a marketer who can never understand that one is least interested in any of those services. They relentlessly keep calling you until you crash your cell phone and the ground and thereby going to the sop to buy a new one again. (Note: This looks like an organised market penetration mechanism)
There is a special feature which comes with any cell phone which is called as English without Grammar. Let us take some sentences in English and see how it is translated into the SMS grammar for more clarity. The actual meaning for SMS is “Stupid Maligned Sentences”.
English Sentence: Have a great morning
SMS Sentence: Hav a g8 mrg
English Sentence: How is your neighbour’s wife?
SMS Sentence: HIYNW?
English Sentence: I Love you sweetie, coming home for dinner, so be ready OK.
SMS Sentence: ILU swte, cumin om 4 din, so b reyd k
Finally if you are in the zone to use the cellular phone with all its features then be ready to earn for 7 generations since the phone bill will require that much. I suppose it would be easier and cheaper for you to call some ET (Extra-Terrestrial) somewhere near Jupiter than calling your next door neighbour’s wife. The main reason why the extra-terrestrials never come to invade us is because our telecom providers would be charging them 73 billion for their simple SMS message via Morse code stating “V R CUMING 4 DIS WK-ND 2 DISNY WRLD”.
Times have changed and in today’s trendy world of cellular phones which are so small (an example the size of your brain) that they have discounted the earpiece and the microphones. No, they have improved in technology so much that you would have to buy a phone every 3 minutes since the older one would be obsolete by then. The telecommunication industry I am sure is run by some monkey brained scientist since they churn up some many acronyms like WLL, CDMA, WAP, SIM, GPRS, GSM, IIT-JEE, NIIT etc that end up making you look bewildered when trying to choose a model.
To top this off, the service providers would lay their conditions that TRI-BAND with GPRS would work only if you have MMS, WAP, ECG and EEG enabled on your set. It has reached a point where I feel that for want of peace that I go to a store and give him some money. Then get an empty match-box with some strings and make my own instrument thereby saving me from insanity. Only restrictions are that the other party is just 20 feet away from you.
It’s certain that the days have changed, considering the level of tech-knowledge, capacity to add two 4 digit numbers it would be impossible to remember your own car license number. Yet the cellular manufacturers models that have vague numbers which you have to remember when going to shop. Perhaps these manufacturers keep flipping the scientific data books for known numbers like 22/7 (Pi), Planks constant, De Broglie’s wave equations, Avogadro number, Boltzmann’s constant for their model numbers.
The result, I am (of course you are also in the same boat) confused and bewitched on what to choose. Many of the tech-savvy people always talk with respect to the model numbers such as “Yo man, got to see the K750i-(32-5/9F) model, it has better features than the N50-1.414i series in terms of nuclear surface-to-air missile launching capabilities”. Taking of capabilities gone are the days when you could only talk on your phone, today’s model come with many much needed services such as music player, video player, microwave oven, missile launchers, tool box, doping kit etc. With all these bloated services, we tend to forget what this instrument is supposed to work as by default.
Back in the old days there was the "Tring-Tring" kind of ring tone which was the same anywhere in the world, but with technology improving today we have 10 billion options with 23,000 settings for a ring tone. I guess one needs a separate user manual (the size of T-Rex) for adjusting the ring tones and other phone settings such as special ring tones when your neighbour’s wife, Citibank officials or Income Tax officer calls. The ring tones are normally kept with an audible range of 20KM radius. Due to the disturbance that it causes in any closed office environment, people are advised to keep the phone in vibrating mode which when set will vibrate rapidly measuring 7.9 on the Richter scale.
The biggest nuisance with getting a mobile connection is in trying to avoid the telemarketers. I guess these giant organisation send persons to eavesdrop on those who get a new connection and then start bombarding them with calls at odd hours for services such as toilet repairs, eloping with your team mates, facials & massages, personal loans for helicopters, financial schemes for buying vegetables etc. They also try and put a dumb person as a marketer who can never understand that one is least interested in any of those services. They relentlessly keep calling you until you crash your cell phone and the ground and thereby going to the sop to buy a new one again. (Note: This looks like an organised market penetration mechanism)
There is a special feature which comes with any cell phone which is called as English without Grammar. Let us take some sentences in English and see how it is translated into the SMS grammar for more clarity. The actual meaning for SMS is “Stupid Maligned Sentences”.
English Sentence: Have a great morning
SMS Sentence: Hav a g8 mrg
English Sentence: How is your neighbour’s wife?
SMS Sentence: HIYNW?
English Sentence: I Love you sweetie, coming home for dinner, so be ready OK.
SMS Sentence: ILU swte, cumin om 4 din, so b reyd k
Finally if you are in the zone to use the cellular phone with all its features then be ready to earn for 7 generations since the phone bill will require that much. I suppose it would be easier and cheaper for you to call some ET (Extra-Terrestrial) somewhere near Jupiter than calling your next door neighbour’s wife. The main reason why the extra-terrestrials never come to invade us is because our telecom providers would be charging them 73 billion for their simple SMS message via Morse code stating “V R CUMING 4 DIS WK-ND 2 DISNY WRLD”.
So I hav g8 respect 4 our fone cmpy 2wards saving manknd.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
7 Highly Defective Habits of Managers
Ever since the apes started to climb on top the trees, there was a new quality which sprang up in them. It was that the apes wanted to climb on top of every one and then start to do “Choo choo” or “Kak ka”. This was the beginning of what is in today’s modern world called as Managerial qualities.
Even after many evident fossil records of the Choo Choo(s) and Kak Ka(s) today we are still feeling the heat to strive and improve our managerial skills. It is primarily for this reason that I am writing this post to help those to-be-managers to obtain all the necessary management skills. I have identified the 7 main habits which are conceived to be misunderstood by most (this certainly includes you) and shall elaborate on each item for the reader’s benefit.
Work Gesture: Frankly speaking there are 3 ways of executing work. The first way is not to do any work at all thereby getting fired and ending up taking a career as an auto-insurance agent.
The second way is to take up challenging work which is highly risky and ending up failing to finish the job and thereby remaining stagnant at the same place throughout your career with a life like a weasel.
Finally the correct way is to pretend doing high efficient work while in actual not doing anything and get promoted to the next level. Examples of the work are like renaming the departments, initiating brainstorming sessions, teaching process workflows, detailed documents with management buzzwords, team outing on weekends, oriental meditation etc.
Communication: The way a leader talks makes him more authoritative or not. Mainly the newly appointed folks talk to their team members in a manner in which the team understands each word that you utter. If this trend were to continue it would lead to your downfall.
For instance nobody ever knows what the chairman of the planning commission talks and thus he is dumped with accolades for talking in that fashion. If for some reason the people understood him then he would have been transferred to the fishery and marine welfare department. So for a good leader we have to talk something which is complicated and yet derives no meaning whatsoever.
For example, to define estimation we have to say something like “a systemised logistical projection of futuristic monitored capabilities”. The more jargon you spur out in the documents, more the folk acknowledges you as a talented leader.
Dress: The attire of a leader is most looked at, the better and bigger you dress the more leadership qualities you derive. Let’s take for instance Mahmud Ghazni had ordered his troops to attack India for the 17th time after loosing 16 of the battles while dressed like Gandhi. None of his troops would have obeyed the orders. It was due to that laborious dresses and hair style that generated the power of Ghazni. Perhaps Ghazni had to learn this fact by trial and error since the first 6 times that he invaded he was pretty much tired due to the travel that he wasn’t dressed for the occasion.
This doesn’t immediately precipitate a fact that you have to have a wardrobe equivalent of that of Barbie (Each dress though sold separately) and her magical kingdom but you have to make sure that you don’t end up having a wardrobe like a Zulu Wachati tribe’s leader.
Talk too Long: There is a common misconception that leaders have to be short, crisp and to the point when it comes to speeches. Take for example, even Jesus of Nazareth when he delivered the Sermon on the Mount it ran for 47 weeks with just 3 breaks in between. A leader thus has to talk for a long time such that the entirety of the audience has to be woken up once you finish your brief lecture on Quality Process.
To become a good leader never mind if the audience are sleeping or gesturing you to stop, just carry on with your speech and finally they will give in and let ant-hills grow over them. Never dare to make eye contacts with them, thereby giving you enough time to put them to sleep and win your battles. Another example would be to elaborate an instance when you were an apprentice and how you listened actively to your boss while getting your problems solved.
Manage Your Calendar: Prior to being a manager you would have managed your own time but now being a manager you should never try to manage your own calendar. For instance if Napoleon had managed his own time we wouldn’t know who he was, it was due to his secretary that he became famous.
For instance his calendar would look like
Task: Attack Russians in winter.
At: Waterloo.
Time: 3PM.
Without this vital information Napoleon could never manage his troops or his tasks. So if you want to be a famous and courageous leader then have one of your dumbest subordinates to manager your time.
Late for Meetings: Meetings are a big weapon for the managers which are used to subdue the firebrand employees who come with their problems. The points where good managers differ from the worst are in the timings.
Good managers are supposed to turn in very late to the meeting thereby making others frustrated to such an extent that they all forget the main point for which the meeting was called for. In case by mistake if you are early, all you got to do is to say I have another urgent high priority work and say that you continue with the meeting and he shall join later.
Going early for the meeting will clearly expose your weaknesses, so as a good leader you have to try and avoid them as much as possible. Also you have to convene as many meetings as possible within a week to maintain your control over the subordinates.
Technology Primers: Having been promoted to a status of management expert one is expected to forget all his technological skills failing which you may not be allowed into the circle. Often one has to rely on their subordinates for all technological clarifications.
Here I am listing a few most often sought out clarifications given to a manager by his close subordinate.
1. When sending faxes, the original document stays at the same place and only a copy gets faxed.
2. Electronic mails are delivered instantaneously and there is no need to call the recipient for intimation.
3. Internet search engines are not the right place for locating your company’s conference rooms.
4. Delete option for files/folders do not come with an UNDO command.
5. Xerox and Printers have different uses and cannot be interchanged.
6. It’s highly dangerous to microwave green banana in a closed container.
I hope some of you could relate a few of these points dealt in the post in your managerial career. If so, try to take the appropriate corrective action and I guarantee that you will have a successful career as a Manager.
The reason for my authority in this subject is that these points have worked for me and certainly for many management folks in the software industry. In case it hasn’t worked for you kindly remember that there is always another company which matches your skills and you can opt for it. (Warning: Don’t tell me that I did not warn you before).
Ok folks, my team are waiting for me to do their performance appraisal for the assessment year 1941-42.
Even after many evident fossil records of the Choo Choo(s) and Kak Ka(s) today we are still feeling the heat to strive and improve our managerial skills. It is primarily for this reason that I am writing this post to help those to-be-managers to obtain all the necessary management skills. I have identified the 7 main habits which are conceived to be misunderstood by most (this certainly includes you) and shall elaborate on each item for the reader’s benefit.
Work Gesture: Frankly speaking there are 3 ways of executing work. The first way is not to do any work at all thereby getting fired and ending up taking a career as an auto-insurance agent.
The second way is to take up challenging work which is highly risky and ending up failing to finish the job and thereby remaining stagnant at the same place throughout your career with a life like a weasel.
Finally the correct way is to pretend doing high efficient work while in actual not doing anything and get promoted to the next level. Examples of the work are like renaming the departments, initiating brainstorming sessions, teaching process workflows, detailed documents with management buzzwords, team outing on weekends, oriental meditation etc.
Communication: The way a leader talks makes him more authoritative or not. Mainly the newly appointed folks talk to their team members in a manner in which the team understands each word that you utter. If this trend were to continue it would lead to your downfall.
For instance nobody ever knows what the chairman of the planning commission talks and thus he is dumped with accolades for talking in that fashion. If for some reason the people understood him then he would have been transferred to the fishery and marine welfare department. So for a good leader we have to talk something which is complicated and yet derives no meaning whatsoever.
For example, to define estimation we have to say something like “a systemised logistical projection of futuristic monitored capabilities”. The more jargon you spur out in the documents, more the folk acknowledges you as a talented leader.
Dress: The attire of a leader is most looked at, the better and bigger you dress the more leadership qualities you derive. Let’s take for instance Mahmud Ghazni had ordered his troops to attack India for the 17th time after loosing 16 of the battles while dressed like Gandhi. None of his troops would have obeyed the orders. It was due to that laborious dresses and hair style that generated the power of Ghazni. Perhaps Ghazni had to learn this fact by trial and error since the first 6 times that he invaded he was pretty much tired due to the travel that he wasn’t dressed for the occasion.
This doesn’t immediately precipitate a fact that you have to have a wardrobe equivalent of that of Barbie (Each dress though sold separately) and her magical kingdom but you have to make sure that you don’t end up having a wardrobe like a Zulu Wachati tribe’s leader.
Talk too Long: There is a common misconception that leaders have to be short, crisp and to the point when it comes to speeches. Take for example, even Jesus of Nazareth when he delivered the Sermon on the Mount it ran for 47 weeks with just 3 breaks in between. A leader thus has to talk for a long time such that the entirety of the audience has to be woken up once you finish your brief lecture on Quality Process.
To become a good leader never mind if the audience are sleeping or gesturing you to stop, just carry on with your speech and finally they will give in and let ant-hills grow over them. Never dare to make eye contacts with them, thereby giving you enough time to put them to sleep and win your battles. Another example would be to elaborate an instance when you were an apprentice and how you listened actively to your boss while getting your problems solved.
Manage Your Calendar: Prior to being a manager you would have managed your own time but now being a manager you should never try to manage your own calendar. For instance if Napoleon had managed his own time we wouldn’t know who he was, it was due to his secretary that he became famous.
For instance his calendar would look like
Task: Attack Russians in winter.
At: Waterloo.
Time: 3PM.
Without this vital information Napoleon could never manage his troops or his tasks. So if you want to be a famous and courageous leader then have one of your dumbest subordinates to manager your time.
Late for Meetings: Meetings are a big weapon for the managers which are used to subdue the firebrand employees who come with their problems. The points where good managers differ from the worst are in the timings.
Good managers are supposed to turn in very late to the meeting thereby making others frustrated to such an extent that they all forget the main point for which the meeting was called for. In case by mistake if you are early, all you got to do is to say I have another urgent high priority work and say that you continue with the meeting and he shall join later.
Going early for the meeting will clearly expose your weaknesses, so as a good leader you have to try and avoid them as much as possible. Also you have to convene as many meetings as possible within a week to maintain your control over the subordinates.
Technology Primers: Having been promoted to a status of management expert one is expected to forget all his technological skills failing which you may not be allowed into the circle. Often one has to rely on their subordinates for all technological clarifications.
Here I am listing a few most often sought out clarifications given to a manager by his close subordinate.
1. When sending faxes, the original document stays at the same place and only a copy gets faxed.
2. Electronic mails are delivered instantaneously and there is no need to call the recipient for intimation.
3. Internet search engines are not the right place for locating your company’s conference rooms.
4. Delete option for files/folders do not come with an UNDO command.
5. Xerox and Printers have different uses and cannot be interchanged.
6. It’s highly dangerous to microwave green banana in a closed container.
I hope some of you could relate a few of these points dealt in the post in your managerial career. If so, try to take the appropriate corrective action and I guarantee that you will have a successful career as a Manager.
The reason for my authority in this subject is that these points have worked for me and certainly for many management folks in the software industry. In case it hasn’t worked for you kindly remember that there is always another company which matches your skills and you can opt for it. (Warning: Don’t tell me that I did not warn you before).
Ok folks, my team are waiting for me to do their performance appraisal for the assessment year 1941-42.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Juice juice everywhere not a drop to Drink
Juice was invented in prehistoric times, when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had plucked a fruit and was going to eat it raw, when a tribe member named Wang tripped and sat on it splashing tons of liquid. At first, the other tribe members were angry at Wang, but then, as the aroma of the fruit filled the air, they had an idea. So they ate Wang raw.
No, this was the first evidence of fruit juices in modern human history. Madras (known as Chennai is some parts) whose climate is always hot, hotter or hottest is the ideal place for marketing juices. Since this fact is very evident Chennai now has juice shops once every 3 feet of potholes. With this kind of supply, the consumer is obviously confused (just like you) and so decides against going to a shop. He has a better idea to make-it-yourself.. Preparing juices can be hazardous and so as a precaution it is always advisable never to prepare them without wearing a welding mask.
The next thing is that the combination of fruit juices which you prepare has to be appropriate for the individuals who will be consuming it.
For example, you don’t need to prepare anything elaborate with ice, sugar, lemon syrup for your dog. Basically dogs will eat anything that is served. This is the main reason why even today Pedigree is still the No.1 brand for dogs and not a dosai from Saravana Bhavan.
Just like the dogs, the case is very similar to guys. They never care for what is served as long as there is something inside the glass for them to drink. If you are not preparing for guys or dogs, then you may need to consult some expert magazine such as Femina or Women’s World for some elaborate and time consuming procedures. I presume that those who really create these recipes are already on high-spirits and start making up words such as “Fenels”, “Butter fruit”, “Passion seeds” etc. These words are always imaginary and even as you read these words, there is a harmless husband somewhere in search of these ingredients at a supermarket. (Source: AHHA – Anonymous Harmless Husbands Association)
So the only way to quench your thirst is to go out to a parlour and have them. As mentioned above, even the ordering varies with the each person but for guys and dogs it’s the same. Both of them don’t care on what is being served, example you could easily pass a glass of toilet dispenser in pink colour and they will consume it in 7 seconds flat and compliment you for giving them the best drink of their lives. The feminine side has a lot of complications in ordering the stuff unlike the above.
The feminine species are very choosy by nature that is why when they order normally the bar attendant could consider resigning and running to Namibia for a job as a lion trainer. They start ordering a juice say for example “Funky Orange” which normally contains Oranges and some funky ingredient like the attendant’s sweat. When the bartender starts to walk back they would say make it without ice, without water and adding less of methyl alcohol. He notes them and starts to walk back a bit faster when she shouts, make the juice a “Passion Strawberry” with the same conditions. This iteration of changing the fruits and conditions carries on for 47 million times, by which the situation reaches were the bartender is seriously considering suicide. The husband is serious contemplating on shooting the wife. (What men think never works: Source: AHHA)
This is why you will find somewhere in the world, there is a lion trainer going to Namibia every 5 seconds and there is also a female shouting out her order which is still to be finalised. Precisely to the point, to be a good husband we have to know how to prepare the correct kind of juice for your partner. For those who are new to this, you will refer the magazines which are not suitable for the “Real World”. So, follow my steps (time proven) to adapt to the situation.
For example if the ingredient is “fermented butter seeds” (which is totally imaginary in my opinion), the substitute can be found by the following steps:
1. Look around the kitchen for a knife and kill your self (Oops sorry wrong situation)
2. Look for a Glucon-D pack
3. Mix it with water and hashish
4. Throw the cover to the dog.
With these little ingenuities, you can achieve great results within your kitchen thereby saving the lives of many juice shop attendants. By the time I finish this blog I know for sure that words of your culinary skills would have spread like wild-fire and many to-be-husbands will flock your doors. My advice to them is that they bring some “Coke & Chips” with them for backup.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Your Horoscope for the Day
Aries (Mar21-Apr19)
Your moon is now in the house of Murugan Idly Shop and is expected to remain there for some time since two waitresses calling in sick and a third vacationing in Hawaii. The A.M. is very good time to take advantage of fools. However, seek the advice of an expert before attempting plastic surgery on yourself or someone you love.
Taurus (Apr20-May20)
Due to a slight imbalance in the tides, there is some confusion among the stars as to whether or not you really exist. This question will quickly resolved just as soon as someone makes an attempt to pick up your laundry. Rash decisions could prove very harmful today, so exercise great caution while eating. The lucky stone for you, at present, is Black granite
Gemini (May21-Jun21)
This is a day to be careful with your check book and credit cards. Keep a close eye on garbage bins, since someone is inclined to throw something extravagant. Check out cute little boutique-shops nearby your friend's workplace for a visit. The evening is excellent times for you to get together with persons whose idea are similar to your own unless of course, you are a real moron. Looking at the stars, one is bound say that you are a Moron always.
Cancer (Jun22-July20)
Make detailed plans for social activities you may wish to engage later in the day. Then, later in the day, make detailed plans for social activities you may wish to engage for tomorrow. Repeat this routine faithfully throughout the remainder of the calendar year and you can easily avoid any kind of real work. Your stars point towards good prosperity in your chosen profession.
Leo (July21-Aug22)
What was believed to have been the main star guiding your life now appears to be nothing more than an enormous chunk of degenerated garbage still floating around the atmosphere. This means any advice you’re ever read in this or any other horoscope is wrong. We apologise for any inconvenience suffered by your neighbour's at your cost.
Virgo (Aug23-Sept22)
An inner restriction is lifted. You'll have a new sense of freedom, which may cause you to move in with your neighbour’s wife. You'll be contemplating changes in your wife’s life-style. Today's news will rattle some skeletons in the family closet if lips have been loose as always. A view from the sun suggests that you stay away from fried items for a while.
Libra (Sept23-Oct23)
The main star influencing your fate has moved – leaving behind a flock of unpaid phone bills, and no forwarding galaxy address. Until such time myself at Horoscope Central can locate the Missing Star, you’re on your own. Best of luck with what you can only be described as a very bleak and altogether loathsome situation. No prediction this month will come correctly for you.
Scorpio (Oct24-Nov21)
You'll feel inspired at your job today by your 120% original thinking. Later you find that your thinking was totally skewed. There's a happy emphasis on courtship. Tonight, however, may bring conflict with you aunt’s cat. Recharge your batteries for a safe weekend.
Sagittarius (Nov22-Dec21)
Spend some time with financial record-keeping today. Members of the family will feel especially close since its payday. Your best bet is to hoard raw metals such as Cement, Mortar and also Bicycle vault tubes for future finance requirements. Sunday is the best day for you to skip work.
Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19)
Your cusp has broken into the house of Leo while Leo was on online, and has made off with a portable TV, a can opener and still-undetermined amount of cash. It would be improper for you to contact the proper authorities and vice-versa. Avoid legal crimes, firing squads and parliamentary elections. Make sure your left half of the brain is not hurt.
Aquarius (Jan19-Feb20)
A long and trusted friend may be in a bit of a testy mood today, so make allowances for a punch in the mouth or just some scathing verbal abuse. No new apart from this will develop during this month. Your old Problems are more than enough to sustain throughout this month.
Pisces (Feb21-Mar20)
You are the last of the zodiac signs and this is certainly not by accident. You have relatively few, if any, friends; you are widely disturbed; and your bad taste in dress appeal only to people’s who lack any socially redeeming values. Start drinking so that many of the down and out breweries pick up their share while you enjoy drinking.
Your moon is now in the house of Murugan Idly Shop and is expected to remain there for some time since two waitresses calling in sick and a third vacationing in Hawaii. The A.M. is very good time to take advantage of fools. However, seek the advice of an expert before attempting plastic surgery on yourself or someone you love.
Taurus (Apr20-May20)
Due to a slight imbalance in the tides, there is some confusion among the stars as to whether or not you really exist. This question will quickly resolved just as soon as someone makes an attempt to pick up your laundry. Rash decisions could prove very harmful today, so exercise great caution while eating. The lucky stone for you, at present, is Black granite
Gemini (May21-Jun21)
This is a day to be careful with your check book and credit cards. Keep a close eye on garbage bins, since someone is inclined to throw something extravagant. Check out cute little boutique-shops nearby your friend's workplace for a visit. The evening is excellent times for you to get together with persons whose idea are similar to your own unless of course, you are a real moron. Looking at the stars, one is bound say that you are a Moron always.
Cancer (Jun22-July20)
Make detailed plans for social activities you may wish to engage later in the day. Then, later in the day, make detailed plans for social activities you may wish to engage for tomorrow. Repeat this routine faithfully throughout the remainder of the calendar year and you can easily avoid any kind of real work. Your stars point towards good prosperity in your chosen profession.
Leo (July21-Aug22)
What was believed to have been the main star guiding your life now appears to be nothing more than an enormous chunk of degenerated garbage still floating around the atmosphere. This means any advice you’re ever read in this or any other horoscope is wrong. We apologise for any inconvenience suffered by your neighbour's at your cost.
Virgo (Aug23-Sept22)
An inner restriction is lifted. You'll have a new sense of freedom, which may cause you to move in with your neighbour’s wife. You'll be contemplating changes in your wife’s life-style. Today's news will rattle some skeletons in the family closet if lips have been loose as always. A view from the sun suggests that you stay away from fried items for a while.
Libra (Sept23-Oct23)
The main star influencing your fate has moved – leaving behind a flock of unpaid phone bills, and no forwarding galaxy address. Until such time myself at Horoscope Central can locate the Missing Star, you’re on your own. Best of luck with what you can only be described as a very bleak and altogether loathsome situation. No prediction this month will come correctly for you.
Scorpio (Oct24-Nov21)
You'll feel inspired at your job today by your 120% original thinking. Later you find that your thinking was totally skewed. There's a happy emphasis on courtship. Tonight, however, may bring conflict with you aunt’s cat. Recharge your batteries for a safe weekend.
Sagittarius (Nov22-Dec21)
Spend some time with financial record-keeping today. Members of the family will feel especially close since its payday. Your best bet is to hoard raw metals such as Cement, Mortar and also Bicycle vault tubes for future finance requirements. Sunday is the best day for you to skip work.
Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19)
Your cusp has broken into the house of Leo while Leo was on online, and has made off with a portable TV, a can opener and still-undetermined amount of cash. It would be improper for you to contact the proper authorities and vice-versa. Avoid legal crimes, firing squads and parliamentary elections. Make sure your left half of the brain is not hurt.
Aquarius (Jan19-Feb20)
A long and trusted friend may be in a bit of a testy mood today, so make allowances for a punch in the mouth or just some scathing verbal abuse. No new apart from this will develop during this month. Your old Problems are more than enough to sustain throughout this month.
Pisces (Feb21-Mar20)
You are the last of the zodiac signs and this is certainly not by accident. You have relatively few, if any, friends; you are widely disturbed; and your bad taste in dress appeal only to people’s who lack any socially redeeming values. Start drinking so that many of the down and out breweries pick up their share while you enjoy drinking.
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