Summer vacation season is here and so is April, May heat, and if you have kids, you know what that means! It's time to put them up for auction in eBay. If you have more than one, then combine them with an offer, buy one and get the remaining free for life.
Before I get lengthy lectures on parenting and love, I am sorry. I mean it's time to plan your family summer vacation. This is your chance to escape “the daily grind” and spend quality time with your children, finding out what's new in their lives, which Wii game is on their minds, whether they've been promoted to the next class, etc. At night, after they fall asleep, you can check them their report cards on your own risk.
But where should you go for your vacation this year? According to the Association of Travel Agents who are currently starving to death, the two most popular vacation destinations for Indians have historically been: 1) domestic, and 2) foreign.
Which may be right for you? While many Indian are worried about traveling abroad, the fact is that, statistically, your chances of surviving a foreign vacation would be over 50 percent, as long as you follow the Central Department's Travel Guidelines for Indian Citizens:
- Avoid risky areas such as Australia, Europe, South America, Africa, US, Canada and Mexico.
- Do not touch anything until the safety belt sign is switched off.
- Do not breathe too much.
- Do not carry cash or master card with you.
- Do not tweet more than once in an hour.
In case you do choose to go abroad, then try to “blend in'' with the native population by the following tips
1) match their skin colour as much as possible; 2) Smoke cigarettes with marijuana; 3) do not tip the servers; 4) do not stand around bewildered at the street maps the size of Wimbledon tennis courts; 5) not asking the tour guide questions like: “Is this the place where they shot DaVinci Code movie?' standing in front of the Louvre museum.
So maybe this would be a good year for you to take your family vacation right here in India. The most popular type of domestic vacation, of course, is the tremendously long train trip to a place that your children will find hideously boring because none of their friends are there with them.
Along the way, the whole family can enjoy the natural beauty and infinite variety of the interstate railway system (''Look, kids! The next track is broken!'', “Ahha!!! I told you, that train would derail before Nagpur”). Daddy and Mommy can share the sleeping chores, as follows: Daddy will start reading a book and then Mommy will take over as soon as Daddy sleeps. Even then, Daddy may not release his grip on the book; it may have to accompany him into his death. Because Daddy is a male and males are very reluctant to relinquish control over the books which they have started to read.
TRUE FACT: In south India, where I live, it's not uncommon among elderly retired couples for the man to continue reading even after his vision has declined to the level of an eggplant. I have personally seen them reading books in train when they could not, from a distance of 20 centimeters, distinguish between a locomotive and Angelina Jolie. These men pretend to read by following instructions from their wives (''OK, Pa, get ready to turn to next page... OK, now turn ... No, the OTHER way ...'' The book is closed).
But getting back to your family vacation: If you don't want to travel by train to your destination, you can take a plane. The bad news is, the airlines are losing money and have been forced to “cut corners'':
--Indian Airlines, in an effort to reduce fuel costs on its Madras-to-Delhi flights, is actually flying passengers only as far as Vizag, which IA points out, is “less than four days from Cochin by taxi.”
--Kingfisher Airlines flight attendants now pass through the aisles during flights requesting “voluntary donations” from passengers “so we can turn the engines back on and you can have a bottle of chilled beer”.
--Go Air has laid off its high paid veteran pilots, although the airline insists that all of the replacement pilots are, to use the airline's term, “humans with valid learners license”.
So, OK, maybe you shouldn't go anywhere for vacation this year. Maybe you should just stay home, you and your kids, “hanging out,” hour after quality hour in front of the TV. It'll be tons of fun! Until they sleep or escape, whichever comes first.
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