A Typical American Late-Night Talk Show

Late one Tuesday night I was watching TV and doing a brisk skipping-the-channel-faster-than-light game, I was struck by shock that there was in fact a nice thought-provoking program on the TV. Well, I am talking about a toilet cleanser advertisement. After a second of freezing I continued to change the channel until I hit upon one that was airing a Talk show.

S-T-O-P, this is the kind of program for anybody to watch during late nights on American TV. Of course its a subjective matter and some (89 out of 100) people don’t like good topics, which makes them vomit and create an infuriating sensation, such as "Should America reduce its Talk shows" or "Are we running towards a nuclear free society" or "Should Oshkosh be on the world Map". People (this include innocent bystanders in New York sub-ways) tend to like some better topics like "Why I ran away with my uncle’s neighbour’s wife" or "I fantasize to Kill my Mother-in-law with the aid of my step-sister" or "Do we need Monica as a Sex symbol". The most liked topic by every American is "America’s favourite sport – SEX" ops sorry football was what I meant but the survey result turned out to be a little different.

The show normally begins with pleasant clippings of the past shows which feature mainly females, who are still trying to get into their dresses that were bought when they were in their eighth grade, spitting against each other. The time when they bought this dress would have been the same time when those females also dropped out of school due to lack of interest shown by the teacher in teaching Schrodinger’s Electromagnetic Wave Equation. The starting credits are done with (after 12 tons of salaiva collected by the total spitting), a huge set of commercials that mainly constitute Lawyers or Attorneys who are willing to fight for you even if you don’t insist them to. Followed by it are some thought provoking ads such as the same toilet cleanser brands since 1857.

Then, cheers for no reason will be started by the studio audiences, who have an IQ no greater than their shoe size, as soon as the applause sign is displayed. This sound marks the grand entry of our show's host. He shall always carry a mike in his hand and some cue cards which contain words that he must not use during the program. Many fanatic viewers (the whole audience to be precise) wear bright coloured T-shirts with wordings that read "I was there in the [Shows Name] Show" or "Do you want to come and puke at this show". The hosts usually would begin by uttering something that is totally unrelated to the show (yeah very similar to a Washington press release).

The debates are always amongst the top [domain] experts, who feel so strongly about the correct way to do things that at times they come close to whacking each other over the head with their seats. A few muscular hulks (always in black T-shirts) come running at breakneck speed to stop the fighting experts. The timing of these hulks is so precise that they don’t come into the picture until the floor production manager or the chair owner (in most cases both of them are the same) holds up a cue card such as "STOP those idiots before they break my chairs".

This is followed by a few minutes of BEEPING sound, thanks to the ground breaking invention of computer beeps, to stop the telecast of *$%&*(the word roughly translated means many un-gentlemanly things) dialogues. At this juncture, the clap boy, who never has a concept of elementary schooling, brings up the applause sign for the seated audiences and they (never had any kind of formal schooling) go wild. This brings us to the commercial break section.

Talk shows were not always so complicated back then. Thousands of years ago, there was only one talk show book, entitled "Don't talk too much". It consisted of a big stone tablet on, which were chiseled the words "DON'T TALK TOO MUCH!" It did not sell well, because nobody could lift it, on top of which everybody back then was busy with other concerns, such as trying to invent a language system that was simpler than Greek and Latin. Meanwhile today’s scenario is a bit different. Talk Show Host is a separate industry involving many complex theories such as "How to choose topics", "How to stand still while letting 2 families fight it out on stage", "How to make billions after dropping out of college" and "How to make a crass show the number one on the network ratings".

Let me know go back in time to see how talk show hosts evolved. It was back in 1895 when a gentleman named Mostly Chattering in Arizona made a sparkling discovery one night that people could stay up late glued to the TV while not choosing to clean their toilets. His theory emphasised that people would listen to other people talk about sensitive issues while HE can make a Million. (Back then Millions was considered huge money)

For decades, everybody operated on this Theory of Talking at nights, which basically states that you should never talk anything that’s bad to others. Then along came a new theory, the Evil Talk Theory that states you can talk burning issues as long as you don’t hurt each other on stage. This resulted in a multi-million dollar industry called TCN (Turner Cable Network).

There came another major theory which states that you can talk rubbish, but should not have a decent topic. For example you can kick your mother-in-law down and eat an entire pig for breakfast and talk all shit as a topic while rejecting “How to make the World a better place to live”. This Theory is extremely hot at present, as evident by the top rated talk shows in the cable network. Also, this theory has spun many cults such as "Kidnap my wife, please", "Let's poke the cops in the Eyeball", "Guns can be used during the Peace Talks in Israel".

So anyway, the experts debated their theories while the host walked around frowning with the deep concern which those talk-show hosts always feel about any topic. The audience provided valuable feedback whenever the clap boy holds up cards that said YES on one side and NO on the other. In between there are numerous commercials, with one for a toilet cleanser.

Anyway, I watched the experts’ debate for an hour, and here's what I learned:

• My TV remote really didn’t work for an hour
• Hardly 10% of the people wanted world peace
• 10% are those who wanted world peace are beauty contest contestants
• Terrorists want more twin-towers to be built in major cities around the world
• Women on these shows are stronger than their male counterparts
• Lot of companies endorse for these kinds of shows

• The chairs are really heavy and would be lethal upon impact
• I am a bachelor trying hard to sleep

So there are the facts, readers; it's now up to you to make an informed decision.

Remember: It's YOUR television and the remote is in YOUR wife’s hands.