How To Make Your Contents Enticing? - The Daily Zen

How To Make Your Contents Enticing? - The Daily Zen

What Does The Supreme Court Needs To Work On

We all are aware that the Supreme Court is the most SUPREME in our country and that is where many of the landmark judgements are made. Since there is a lot of cases which are very tough to handle by the lower courts are sent to the Supreme Court (Hereafter referred as SC or Suspended Capacity). What the SC does is to stay on the files as long as possible till one of the judges wakes up from his hibernation and delivers a verdict. This verdict is always reported by the media as a “Landmark judgement”. Looking for examples: The Salman Khan case.

What has this landmark judgement (henceforth referred to as LJ or Lazy Juggernaut) means to a common man is “DUH”. Perhaps with some more judgements on the 2G spectrum case, the National Herald case the common man is going to have much more powerful opinion and reaction such as “Hmmmp” or “Cha”. So in order to restore faith in the system, it is highly recommended that the SC leaves all its current cases such as “Who needs to enter Sabarimala temple” or “Should Congress be given the leader of opposition party status” and start delivering LJs on things which affect the common man.

So here are a few items which if the SC can consistently deliver LJ, then the common man would react with a “WoW” reaction.

• The maximum weight of a school going kid’s bag should not exceed 5 Kgs, which includes 2 kgs for lunch.
• Only 3 potholes are allowed for every 1 KM of road (MAIN ROADS) and 5 potholes for every 0.5 KMS of normal roads
• OMR road & Silk Board traffic jams to be named as Major Tourists Attractions in Madras & Bangalore respectively.
• Maximum of 5 TASMAC shops only possible within 3 KMs radius of any Primary school, if not present then the government needs to act promptly in setting them up (I meant the SCHOOL you stupid)
• In IT companies, employees must be able to take at least one WHFIP (Work from Home if Possible) per week.
• No more than Rs.30 to be charged extra than what the Auto Meter shows for one way travel (only applicable for Madras)
• Every person should be able to book a weekend ticket via IRCTC site at least once a month.
• No SOAP serials to go more than 220 episodes in a calendar year, only 2 sequels allowed at the MAX.
• Judges in all the reality talent shows must have had at least 1 year of formal training in the area of expertise.
• Arnab Goswami to allow all his panellist to at least finish one sentence without interrupting during the course of the debate.

Well these are a few which will really help the common man to know that the SC is working for us and really delivering LJs for us. In the meantime, they can also work on closing a case filed during the Indus Valley Civilisation by one of the cavemen that the chieftain of his tribe has misappropriated 1.76 Lakhs rock pillars and claimed it as a Zero Loss to the tribe.

IPL: Commissioner Takes Bold Steps

The IPM Commissioner for 2015 has announced today that the IPL governing team is about to take serious of bold steps after many thought provoking debates on Times Now with the slated goal of alienating the remaining hard core fans forever.

“At IPL stadiums everywhere around the country, it is too hard to get tickets for the matches. Even if we get the tickets, it’s very hard to get a decent parking slot or have to wait long queues for the restrooms” the commissioner said “All these problems have the same root cause: people. So simply put sport has too many fans”.

As part of the big strategy, the first step is to achieve contraction of fan base across all the teams playing in 2015. “We are planning to change the scoring pattern such that all the games end in a TIE. So please start watching something else like Wrestling or F1 which has more thrills” he continued.

In addition to it, it would now take nine balls for one over and the 30 yard circle the size of the ground. These game changing rules are aimed at making the average game to six hours to fill the time slots during summer. These changes along with the outlawing of run-outs & LBW not to be referred to the third umpire solely aimed to further reduce the level of popularity and also increase TV viewership to other physically demanding games such as Golf.

In addition, the commissioner said that the final 3 overs of the innings would feature a power play break with deep routed messages from Deepika Padukone or an item song by famous Bollywood actress. This step would make sure that the stadium would be vacant before the match gets over and easy for the ground staffs to prepare for the next game.

In all, there is a huge expectation from the fans that these steps would be taken as soon as possible so that the viewers can go back to old form of entertainment in the 90s: WWF wrestle-mania.

What's the Difference Between ...

This is a blog which has taken me many hours of hard work and judicious screening of materials from various sources which includes Internet, books, Junk mails, SMS et all. This is a compilation of some of the best FWD jokes which I have received in the last 10 years.

So sit back and enjoy ... What's the difference between

- Bottle of Medicine & a Doormat?
One is shaken up and taken while the other is taken up and shaken.

- A married man & a Bachelor?
One kisses the misses while the other misses the kisses.

- a barber in ancient Rome & an excited circus owner?
One is a shaving Roman and the other is a raving showman.

- the Princes of Wales & a Wimbledon tennis ball?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

- A young lady and a fresh loaf?
One is a well-bred maid while the other is a well-made bread

- A dart player and a violinist?
One finds the middle and the other minds the fiddle.

- A cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the ends of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of the clause.

- Suppandi and Double Mac burger?
One is easy to cheat while the other is cheesy to eat.

- A clock maker and a Satirist?
One makes the tick and the other takes the mick

- a Lighthouse Keeper, a thief & a pot of glue?
One watches over the seas, one seizes watches. And the pot of glue? Ah, that's where you get stuck.

Until the next set of compilations, it's bye from me.

Why is Sports a DRAG?

Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time, millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive third umpire. The decision is still pending owing to technological errors with BCCI not adhering to DRS system. What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. All I know is, whatever the reason be, Mankind is still nuts about sports. As Ravi Shastri, who may not be the most likable person in the world of cricket commentary but is certainly one of the most obnoxious, put it: "In terms of Mankind and sports, blah blah blah blah the 1985 Benson & Hedges final Blah Blah Blah"

Did you get a chance to notice how Shastri and I both use the same term "Mankind."

Womankind really isn't into sports in the same way as GUYS [Moto: Do we really need to mature?] do. Oh, I realize things have changed since my school days, when sports were considered unfeminine and the average girls' PT period consisted of 3 girls running around waving field-hockey sticks and squealing like a rat caught under the door, and another 27 girls standing on the sidelines in civilian clothing, claiming it was That Time of the school for them to relax. I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as Sareena Williams who can run like deer and bench- press Scorpio SUVs. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports that enables men to be such incredible jerks.

If you don't believe me, go to your local tennis club and observe the difference between the way men and women play. Where I play (OK used to play), the women tend to gather on the court in groups of random sizes -- sometimes three, sometimes five, as if it were a Jane Fonda workout -- and the way they play is, one of them will hit the ball at the wall, and the rest of them will admire the shot and compliment her quite sincerely, and then they all sort of relax, as if they're thinking, well, thank goodness games is over. They always seem to be surprised when the ball comes back. If one of them has the presence of mind to take another swing, and if she actually hits the ball, everybody is very complimentary as if they she has been announced the Miss Universe. If she misses it, the others all tell her what a good try she made, really, then they all laugh and act very relieved because they know they have some time to talk before the ball comes bouncing off that darned wall again. [This also proves that women are a little paranoid with Physics too]

Meanwhile, over in the next court, you will have two males wearing various knee braces and wrist bands and special anti-sweat T-shirts, hurling themselves into the walls like intoxicated oxen, and after every single point one or both of them will yell "S$#%!" in the self-reproving tone of voice you might use if you had just accidentally shot your pet dog. India men tend to take their sports seriously, much more seriously than they take family matters, or peace in South Asia.

This is why it's usually a mistake for men and women to play on teams together. I sometimes play in a co-ed tennis ball cricket league, where the rules say you have to have two women on the field. The teams always have one of the women play keeper, because in a tennis ball match the batsmen hit just about every ball, so it wouldn't really hurt you much if you had a deceased person as a wicket keeper. Our team usually puts the other woman at slip area, where the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second slip women is a pretty good cricket player, better than I am, but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over from, say, long on, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three years now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between throwing at the non-strikers end for a run-out and saving an infant's life, she would probably elect to save the infant's life, without even considering when the batsmen were going for a quick non-existent single.

This difference in attitude between men and women carries over to the area of talking about sports, especially sporting events that took place long ago. Take the 1985 World Championships. If we were to look at it objectively, we would have to agree that the outcome of the 1985 Final no longer matters. India loses every one of them periodically and scientifically. You could make a fairly strong case that it didn't really matter in 1985 itself. Women know this, which is why you almost never hear them mention the 1985 World Championship tournament, whereas you take virtually any male over age 37, and even if he can't remember which of his children has taken Hindi as a third language, he can remember exactly how Rameez Raja was stumped by an off break from Shastri, and he will take every available opportunity to discuss it at length with other males.

See that? Out there in Blogger land, you females just read right through that last sentence, nodding in agreement, but you males leaped from your chairs and shouted: "Rameez Raja wasn't stumped! Rameez was caught by SrikKanth, only Miandad was stumped!" Every male in India has millions of perfectly good brain cells devoted to information like this. We can't help it. We have no perspective. I have a friend named Inirs, name written backwards to protect his identity and the most rational person you ever want to meet, and during a Ranji match, it was a great honour for us when inirs had to collect the ball from the boundary and Kapil Dev was gesturing to throw the ball to him. The rest of us congratulated Inirs as if he'd won the Nobel Prize for physics.

 It's silly; really, this male lack of perspective and it can lead to unnecessary tragedy, such as soccer-riot deaths and the Delhi University. What is even more tragic is that women are losing perspective, too. Even as you read these words, women are writing vicious comments to this blog, expressing great fury at me for suggesting they don't take their tennis seriously. Soon they will be droning on about the importance of slower deliveries.

What is Stupid Driving?

What I am going to tell you told will surely make your blood boil – You will never understand what I witnessed on the roads last week. This highway NH-47 very popularly known as “GST road”, a highway which has more potholes than road, is a proud home for the country’s most dammed drivers.

Of course I realize that this is a point of honour for every citizen of India, but let me say it’s not worth the feeling. I know that you are wonders “What NH-47? Have you REALLY seen some of my [Print your City Name here] drivers?”

Listen, take a KitKat (Motto: It doesn’t bend, it breaks) and try to cool yourself. You have to understand that I am quiet experienced in this domain – identifying rash drivers. I am sure that your city has equal number of homicidal morons and muffs as down here but I have witnessed what is not so normal in other parts of the country.

Also I know what I am talking about (Really? S-L-A-P let’s get back to the topic). I have driven or practically experienced driving conditions in every major Indian city including Howrah where every motorist’s main aim is to pick up speeds reaching MACH 2 as though the draw bridge is just about to open and they need to clear it at all cost.

I have also driven in Bombay (Motto: Anyone from other states, follow us), where there is only one traffic law, which is that no driver may ever be behind any other driver, the result being that at all times, all the motorists in the city, including those in funeral processions, are simultaneously trying to pass each other.

I have ridden in a taxi in the Kerala city of Mananthavady (literally, ``Cover your eyes and pray for GOD''), where (a) nobody ever drives slower than 65 Kmph, including inside hotel parking lots, and (b) at night, many motorists drive with their headlights off, because-a taxi driver told me this, and he was absolutely serious-this extends the life of your bulbs. (When he told me this, we were in a major traffic jam caused by an accident involving a truck and a big adult elephant.)

I have also ridden on a bus in Bangalore (Motto: One billionaire per Sq. Kilometre), ploughing through humongous traffic snarls involving trucks, cars, bicycles, auto, bullock carts, IT professionals and pedestrians, all aggressively vying for the same space, and where the bus driver would sometimes physically push pedestrians out of the way. I don't mean with his hands. I mean with the BUS.

So my point of view is that, I have seen enough of crazy driving on the road, nevertheless of the insane driving techniques of our country I feel for a fact that no place than “Thambaram” brings together the craziness and ridiculousness of reckless driving. This is a place where even the RED light signal has no more significance than e-filling your tax returns. The police morale has gone so down that they would let you off a hit-and-run incidence with a warning if it is for the first time.

So after all this, you are asking what my point is. Well, the other day I saw this person. Rather I heard him first before seeing him. His car stereo was half the size of King Kong and had a sound producing capacity of 2 nuclear generators which are detonating in rhythm. I particularly felt the bass notes since couple of bicyclist were flying around the place as he sped past them.

I am today here (literally: Typing in front of you) because I tried getting out of his path, but there was no way I could locate his path. He was weaving back and forth across five lanes (out of a possible two).

Fortunately he missed me and three other fourteen year old trees but I got a glimpse of him driving with his hands on his head and his stomach steering the vehicle. He was watching a video of Danush film (literally: I do not have anything better to do) installed on the place where usually other cars have their SUN visors. Yes, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE, blocking the entire view of the road.

I don’t want to sound like an OLD whiff, but I myself think it’s a bit crazy steering without a view and is very hazardous for the environment. I remember my first lesion in learning to drive – WATCH the ROAD.

My guess is that with today’s smarter phones and technology, more and more drivers have no time for viewing the road condition and have more important activities such as busy making phone calls, eating, reading, changing CDs, putting on makeup, brushing their teeth, changing baby diapers etc. Of course these drivers are often safe since they have a chance, from time to time, of viewing the road. Whereas this guy I saw on NH-47 could only see DANUSH and nothing but DANUSH. Imagine his mental state.

I hope you agree with me now on my initial point.

I also hope that you are not reading this in your CAR.

Chennai To Phase Out Environment by 2020

Just days after the Tamil Nadu government announced that it would be cutting taxes on “Amma Idly” by 2015, the CMDA has announced some ambitious programs to phase out environment altogether by 2020 and this program will start from 2015.

“In addition to cutting of taxes for idly, the Chennai Metro Development Association [CMDA] (Motto: Who care, when we snare) also announced that it would cut down any tree which has been on the side path for more than 40 years with effect from tomorrow”. The CMDA spokesperson has said that they would also be cutting out wasteful and boastful environment to improve more square feet land area for all politicians to invest as SEZ.

While plans to totally annihilate the environment are still being formulated, the general strategy of those in Chennai Corporation is to phase it out gradually so that hardly anyone will notice it’s gone. Apparently they have seemed to exclude marina beach since it houses more statues than parking lots and is politically a bad decision to touch Kannagi statue.

The mayor of the city plans to eliminate all known species of Chennai (including the Mambalam Mosquitos, Anna Nagar stray cats, Saidapet black pigs, Thiruvanmiyur Java IT professionals) and also accelerate the land prices in these areas to touch 5 times that of Tokyo.

In doing so the Mayor also told that they had plans to reduce (gradually) air and water supply to Chennai metropolitan area. When asked how they plan to execute it, the spokesperson from the Mayor’s office quoted: ‘Since 2010, electricity has been successfully eradicated from the state. Did you find it out or vote us out of power in the 2014 General Elections?”

The spokesperson also added “If we had to choose between air and water, we would first choose water. After all, the gulf has been without water for years and haven’t they developed?”