The truth behind what the RJs say on radio

It’s really been a long time since I have gone to work and hence I am really out of touch on how to spend my morning hours till lunch. Usually when I go to work, the morning routine really keeps me busy – say reach office and check personal mails, then update Facebook and twitter, check official mails, login to system and read newspaper sites. By the time this routine gets done I am nearing lunch time. Since I don’t have this routine now, I have to rely on the local FM channels for spending my morning hours.

I think I have listened to a lot of FM radio shows now, trust me on this. I have a total of 320 hours of listening done for this month alone and hence I feel that I am a specialist when it comes to exactly knowing what the Radio Jockey is trying to say when they are on AIR.

So you think otherwise, well here I am to prove it to you. I am listing below the most commonly heard phrases and lines from the local channels and my observation about them, read through them and let me know if I am wrong.

RJ: For your pure enjoyment purpose I am giving you 15 minutes of uninterrupted love songs on the air now.
What It Actually Means: I have to go to the bathroom urgently and am not sure how long will it take.

RJ: The following song is dedicated to Raja, Mohan, Sumathi, Priya, Ramesh and Jenifer.
What It Actually Means: Finally the show has some real listeners, why not call them by their names and keep them happy.

RJ: Before the next song starts we’ll have the latest “SkyWatch Weather Report” sponsored by Stag Mark Umbrellas.
What It Actually Means: Let me walk over to the window, look out and give you an update.

RJ: Ummhh ... You are experiencing some technical difficulties currently, we will return shortly, don’t go anywhere stay tuned.
What It Actually Means: I am currently searching for the MP3 CD or have spilt coffee over it.

RJ: I request our patrons to please call us now for any request, lots of prizes to be won. All our lines are open.
What It Actually Means: I really would love to find out if someone is really tuned in to this show.

RJ: “Citizens, Don’t drink and drive”. The following public service message is mandated by the Traffic Police.
What It Actually Means: There are no sponsors for this show and so we make it up with public service messages.

RJ: The next song is a popular number from the 80s; we wish to bring those old songs back to your memories.
What It Actually Means: For Rs0.50 you can get only those discarded 80s songs for playing.

RJ: The next song is from the smashing romantic hit movie [Any New Movie Name Here] which is currently running in Cinemas near you.
What It Actually Means: Although the movie and the song are crap, I want to stay on the “Free Movie Guest” list, so will repeat this song for quite a number of times.

Well it is getting time for the next show now and I have to get moving, so until my next free time, it’s me “Your friendly Neighbourhood Blogger” signing off in style.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

There are times in your life when the day becomes good or it becomes better and sometime the best. Usually the first day of the month would be the best since that is the day when your pockets bulge and you have a complete control over your identity – "An Impulsive Consumer".

For some reason my life pattern does not follow the above, it goes from Bad to Worse finally culminating in “The Worst”. Take for example, from the time I got engaged, to my marriage and from there to having kids and now taking courses on how to change diapers and where to find a good baby sitter. [Q.E.D]

In all these years I find when I look back at these incidences which makes our day, I feel happy that I am not alone, there are many with me. So for all those blokes who are with me, here are a few snippets of incidents about how they turn from Bad to Worse to Worst.


1. While going to a movie

BAD: You are driving to a movie on a Friday night and mid-way find that one of your tyres is flat.
WORSE: You open the boot and find that you do not have a jack.
WORST: The only person in that area who owns a jack is a serial killer.

2. Loan Repayment Papers for TAX filing

BAD: Your loan repayment papers have been locked inside your office locker. You do not have the keys with you now.
WORSE: The Security officer requests for an ID proof, and you do not have one currently.
WORST: The compartment which you wanted the security officer to open after quiet a negotiating talk happens to be of your cubicle mate.

3. Night duty for the project

BAD: You have to provide on-call support during this weekend and the project team is out there on a camping site.
WORSE: The system administrators have called on for impromptu maintenance and shutting down the system.
WORST: The team is camping at the site to distribute awards for the “Best Team Member” which is YOU.

4. Neighbour's Absconding

BAD: Your neighbour decides to move without telling you and once fine day you find their house vacant.
WORSE: They still owe you more than Rs.15000 in cash.
WORST: They have taken all the gym equipments of yours along with them.

5. Project Team Group Photo

BAD: The project team suddenly wants to have the picture of the entire group taken now, you are badly dressed.
WORSE: You have your eyes closed and your mouth slanted in the picture
WORST: Your team picture is the one which is displayed at the reception hall.

6. Corporate Cricket Match

BAD: Your family does not come to the company’s cricket matches
WORSE: When they finally decide to come, you get a golden duck in that game.
WORST: Again your family trusts your talents and decide to come, you are not picked for the game.


Well enough for now: I have only one more scenario left which is about this blog.

BAD: You feel that it was worth a read
WORSE: You feel impulsive to leave a comment “Hey a great blog”
WORST: FWD this to the entire Face Book world.

What's Wrong With These Ad Companies

Come IPL time and it is the party time for Ads and as the show goes on, the ads are becoming more unbearable. I know many of us are wondering why we moved out of the DD world into this cable world. Being a software engineer I find that I am comfortable with BINARY and like my TV channels to be also BINARY (DD-1 and DD2).

The most conspicuous move that I think for me from the HD cable world to DD is the fact that DD never had such an amount of Ads. So here I am trying to list down some of those worst ads that repeat through this IPL-4 matches and which have stuck to my mind since April.

Micro Max Bling2:
Why on earth is this company trying to ads, I think the top management of the company has to put their efforts first in manufacturing a decent phone and then think about marketing them? What makes the advertisers believe that after watching this ad clip over a billion times that I am going walk through a mobile store and just point to this phone and walk out. If the whole idea of the ad is to use the phone to distract others by twinkling I rather buy a Rs.10 plain hand-mirror and it solves the problem. Why should I be going in for an android phone?

Karbon Mobiles:
I do not consider that repeating “That’s a Karbon Kamaal Catch” 500 times after a simple catch being taken makes this company’s product any worthy than manure. Neither are their concepts of marketing any better than collecting rotten cabbage. Prefer TRAI to make some laws prohibiting these players from selling these phones, more so their ads on prime time TV channels.

Idea 3G:
I was under the impression that the world had just enough space for one Abhishek Bachan until I bounced upon the 3G ad. There are 3 things in this ad which needs to be introspected. 1) Abhiskek cannot act, 2) No pointing in trying to make him look like a fool, 3) If we need 3 persons for 3G, then look at the case of Haywards 5000. Isn’t there one person out of this 1.3 billion population who can replace him, if they do so Idea can make much more profits than the last 5 years put together.

Airtel 3G:
My guess is that these service providers have run out of ideas, they seem to convey more information about existing products such as Facebook, emails than telling the people what is there in 3G. Till now I do not know what is the “G” in the 3G? Looking at these ads, I feel the world was a better place with Raja as Minister and people with 2G connections.

Vodofone:
I think we are nearing the time for retiring both Saurav Ganguly and ZooZoo. Vodofone seems to have lost its plot in marketing and is only specialising in promoting ZooZoo as a Brand rather than Vodofone connections. Also if we look at those stunts that the super ZooZoo is making in the present ads, those have all been done in Tamil cinema 20 years back by our own Superstar who is currently in hospital ever since he met Deepika Padukone in the set. You can guess the reason for his palpitations – hope you catch my drift.

Hero Honda Hunk:
I never knew why should any bike have a reverse gear in the first place? God will only know some bike driver who would say “Reverse is not an option”with a straight face. My first guess is that Hero Honda has got this concept from looking into their sales chart which is in the reverse direction since IPL-1. The second point is that today’s road conditions are much more violent and chaotic than depicted in the clip, perhaps they have to come to reality first before shooting the ad.

Cadburys Chocolate:
I am still wondering as what is being conveyed in this ad. The average age of the family shown in the clip seems to be 35 plus, all of them look like suffering either from Diabetes or from blood sugar.The entire family suffers from lack of brains, I wonder why they need any “Mettai” when their staple food needs to be “Karela” or “Louki”.

Samsung Galaxy Pro:
I am not making a guess but am pretty sure that the person who wrote the script for this ad has a total brain working capacity of a rotten turnip at the most. He seems to be trying to make rhyming words and ends up totally ridiculous. One doesn’t understand as to how “Alone” and “Party On” seems to rhyme according to the ad, another one "Minto Bridge to Meena Bazaar" and its rhyming sentence is "Little Yellow Car". I can state with 100% certainty that my preschool going kid can come up with a much better one. Secondly, why would anybody want to shout out loud on what you want to search on your personal phone?

The worst of the lots are down here:

Crazy Mango Fun Frooti : No comments, I guess every one knows about it.

Nokia-Shar Rukh ad: Why should Shah Rukh try and convince everyone that he has absolutely no acting talents nor does the KKR team have any idea of bowling at the death (Written after the 21 run over by L.Balaji).

TATA Docomo: There are couple of questions that needs to be answered, why in the first place put Shahid Kapoor whose pronunciation is as close to a fish singing in a bowl. Secondly if you are copying Seinfeld why not do it in a better way? Is in not enough if you copy the settings, why copy some of his jokes and put it in a place where it is not funny.

After seeing all these, I think it is far better to rollback the time to 80s and watch black and white TV, the only hitch being you won’t be able get the “Breaking News”.

Sound Sleep: I Am Getting The Wrong One

There is a man -- we'll call him “John Smith” – who went to see a doctor. He was complaining of tiredness, bruises all over his body, shooting pains in his neck, and exclamation marks over his head. The doctor immediately recognized these symptoms: “John Smith” had a snoring problem. At nights, he has being jabbed repeatedly by his wife, trying to make him shut up. Also, somebody had apparently been shooting him from the next apartment.

Yes, snoring is a serious health problem, one that affects more Indians than IPL fatigue and “Breaking News” syndrome combined. Yet many people -- and here I am in no way referring to any of my friends -- refuse to admit that they snore. Even if they routinely emit nocturnal noises that cause Purlins to fly off the roof, they will be outraged that you leap to the conclusion that they are the source of the snoring, knowing pretty well that other than him only you are present in the room.

Women -- and now I am NOT in any way referring to my wife -- tend to be the worst snoring-deniers, because women are taught from an early age that it is not feminine to emit any noise or aroma that would indicate that they are ordinary biological living beings. Men, on the other hand, consider bodily functions to be a highly masculine form of manliness. That's why men are not afraid to haul off and let go of a hearty burp, often as a way to emphasize a rhetorical point even in an important conference. (The next slide shows the average share BBBBBBBBBBBBBuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrppppppppp price [Entire group laughs out loud] ... I rest my case)

Medical science tells us that, one way or another, the average man releases 6,000 units of burping sound per day, and significantly more if he is in an elevator after lunch. Meanwhile, the average woman, striving to be feminine, is keeping all that gas bottled up inside her body. This results in an enormous pressure build-up that can, later in life especially after marriage, cause an explosive and embarrassing medical condition known as “El Niño effect.” This is precisely why one well-known woman -- who, out of respect for her privacy, I will refer to here only as “The Queen of Uttar Pradesh” -- is accompanied at all times by men with Shenai and Tabla.

At this point, it might be a good idea for all of us to rewind and jump to the first paragraph to get what is our topic. OK, there it is, snoring. As I was saying, most of us snore, even though -- and I am STILL not in any way referring to my wife -- we refuse to admit it.

But what is snoring? Since many of us do not know it, let me see if I can help you with some facts about it.

Q: What is Snoring?
A: Medically, it means that the air inside the body is being blocked by some organs in your face thus preventing a free flow, resulting in a Dolby 5.1 surround sound.

Q: How serious is Snoring?
A: There is no seriousness to the snorer but it is those innocent partners who can get complications such as Blood Pressure, Cranial bleeding, Cochleae impedimenta and in some cases insomnia and tendencies of a midnight serial killer.

Q: Who told you all these?
A: I have consulted my close friend who happens to be a national expert on sleep, yes Mr.Deva Gowda. He has also authored a book on the “Hypocritical Life of a Farmer” in which there is a chapter entitled “Hiccups causes Suicide amongst snorers”.

Q: I don’t think I can believe this, is it true?
A: If you can believe that there is no connection between “Kalaigner TV” and the 2G scam, why not this? Or for that matter you still believe that Manmohan is the PM and not Sonia Ji.

Q: Is snoring life threatening?
A: Yes if one of your neighbour is a 7 foot boxer or a criminal lawyer.

Q: OK, So how does one cure this?
A: I here from informed medical sources (Google search) that snoring can be cured by a surgical procedure. Basically they cut open the Larynx and the entire back of your throat.

Q: Some medical journals say the above procedure doesn’t always cure, it is so?
A: Who cares? At least YOU won’t snore right.