This is funny, trust me

Why should you trust me, well the answers here. I am a software engineer and you have lots of free time (logic: Since you are reading this crappy blog) and whatever I do results funny. So here I go …

We are worried, here in the software business (motto: ''What, YOUR code never makes misstakes?''). We're hearing that many of our clients have lost your faith in us. Polls show (SMS poll in my website) that the software engineers now rank lower than used-car salespeople, kidnappers and airline flight announcements. (We are still slightly ahead of criminal lawyers.)

Of course, these poll results were reported by media, so they could be wrong. In fact, there might not actually have been any polls; it's possible that the media made up the whole "media credibility'' story up. But I don't think so. I think the public is genuinely unhappy with software engineers. Lately, when I tell people I work for an MNC, I've detected the subtle signs of disapproval-the dirty looks, the snide remarks, twitch of the left eye.

How did we get into this situation? Without pointing the finger of blame at any one institution, I would say it is entirely the fault of the Indian IT service industry.

For many years, IT service companies were considered a great place to work, capable -- as no other company was -- of executing a project within tight budget, timelines. But then a smart employee was caught sleeping while at work. When questioned, he claimed to have written a piece of code which was supposed to stop unauthorized person from downloading you-tube videos at work

This turned out to be incorrect, and the code actually granted permission to all (including the janitors) to browse the internet without any restrictions.

So it was too late: The doors of trust had been left open and breached, leaving behind the doots of reader doubt.

Tragically, because of this one “bad rotten apple'' the public is losing faith in ALL software engineers. So in an effort to restore my profession's reputation, today I want to tackle, "head-on,'' some of the hard questions that you are asking about my job:

Q: Where do projects come from?
A: We don't know. Every morning we find a batch of unsigned but firmly held tasks lying on our tables marked CONFIDENTIAL. We work them in the hope that somebody will appreciate this work via pay hikes.

Q: Who gets to attend the Client Dinner meetings then?
A: Our Account Head.

Q: What is his primary job?
A: Client dinners, picking his nose inside the cabin, appraisal reviews.

Q: How often do you get a pay hike?
A: WHAT… SLAP!!! Our last pay hike was during Indra Gandhi’s tenure.

Q: What is your daily work routine?
A: Sign-in the attendance, Yahoo mail, Facebook chat, Meeting, Lunch, Meeting, YouTube videos, Google mail, email status reports, Twitter, Sign-out attendance, Catch the early shuttle to home.

Q: Don’t get bored of this routine?
A: When bored, prepare the Resume’ for the next jump.

Q: Who does the actual work?
A: My guess is it’s the junior contractors.

Q: What about the full time employees?
A: They are all busy filling up claim forms and online chat.

Q: How to do you know this?
A: via the CDN (Cab Drivers Network).

Q: How come when I use a product I'm familiar with, it always contains errors?
A: This requires a complex team effort, the development team, the testing team, the project managers and the cab driver too. For simplicity let me put the important players in CAPS: First, the PROJECT MANAGER (henceforth called DAMAGER) gathers information by interviewing CLIENTS and trying to write down what they say, getting approximately 35 percent of it is a boon for US. The DAMAGER then builds a USE CASE, which goes to an ACCOUNT MANAGER, who bitterly resents the DAMAGER because the DAMAGER gets to go to outside dinners sometimes, whereas the ACCOUNT MANAGER (henceforth called YANKEE) is stuck in the building eating our CAFETERIA “FOOD” that was originally developed by construction-industry researchers as a substitute for PLYWOOD.

The YANKEE, following project management tradition, decides that the DAMAGER has put the real point of the project in the 14th paragraph, which the YANKEE then attempts to move using the cut ‘n’ paste command, which results in the project disappearing into ANOTHER DIMENSION, partly because the YANKEE, like most managers, has the mechanical aptitude of a RACOON, but also because the NEW COMPUTER SYSTEM has a few “bugs” as a result of being installed by a low-bid VENDOR whose previous experience consisted of washing DISHES @ RESTAURANTS.

So the DAMAGER and the YANKEE, who now hate each other even more than they already did, hastily slap a project requirement together from their memory, then turn it over to a DESIGN PERSON who cannot actually read but is a wizard on the WINDOWS ARCHITECTURE, and who will cut any remaining accurate sentences out of the project document to make room on the page for a colorful, “reader-friendly” CHART, which was actually supposed to illustrate a different USE CASE for an entirely different PROJECT TEAM.

Yes, it's a lot of work, but we do it night after night, with use case after use case, all so that when you, the END USER, go out to your terminal to work, it's wont.

Check your RAM, OK?

Enough about my industry for now – wait till the next recession for more !!!