A Rare Video Footage Revealed, Means Vijaykanth is Alive

In a rare video footage which has currently, become viral on the internet of actor Vijaykanth has suddenly thrown the Tamil cinema fanatics into a horror spin, since it makes us believe that Vijaykanth is active and wanting to do more movies.

The rare video footage is a self-shot interview in which he is seeing trying to promote his film with daring one-liners about the Tamil Nadu government. With the actor virtually disappeared from the film scene since 2002 after his mega-hit movie “Ramana”, this video leads many to believe that he is alive and contemplating on a comeback movie.

The intelligence agencies are currently working overtime to verify the authenticity of the video footage. They are closely monitoring every frame of the video to ascertain if the person who is answering the interview is actually Mr.Vijaykanth. The agencies are withholding the final verdict until further conclusive evidence is reached.

Sources close to the agencies have quoted that it is very difficult to analyse if the person is Vijaykanth or a wooden puppet placed there. One of the agencies spokesperson replied “We think it is Mr. Vijaykanth when looking at the features of the person but we also think that it may be a wooden puppet.” The main problem is that the wooden puppet is actually more animated than the person.

The film society fraternity is also comparing the video footage of “Ramana” and the interview footage and they fear the worst. One of the investigators told newspersons “In fact, we have looked into the tape and the movie and now are contemplating whether the wooden puppet was actually one of the cast in the movie Ramana.”

So as a responsible citizen, I am warning you that Vijaykanth may be active and thinking about another venture in 2019. Beware folks; we already had “Thalaiva” maybe “Puratchi Thalaiva” is around the corner.

Man,37, Sees Thalaivai and Comes Out Smiling

A man from Erode had come down to Bangalore for some work and incidentally wanted to spend some of his free time. He intended to see a comedy movie and went to watch “Sonnalum Puriyadhu” but unknowingly bought tickets to Vijay’s Thailava. Not to be disappointed he went on to watch the film till its conclusion with the same intent as he began watching the title credits (Yuks), sources close to the man revealed today.

Incidentally, Times Now was the first channel to uncover the breaking news that Mr.Kannan, 37, hailing from Erode was the first and only man to sit through the complete movie in the entire state of Tamil Nadu. The chief minister is contemplating of rewarding this person for his pursued ambition to contribute to this movie fraternity.

Friends close to Mr.Kannan seem to reveal that he was actually a mild-mannered sales rep who hardly had any social interactions till now with the outside world. His main aim of going to Bangalore was to enjoy a movie this Saturday in which lots of things blowing up as a main plot. [My suggestion would have been “Chennai Express” for the same result]

Mrs.Kannan is currently having her husband examined with the local doctors for any symptoms of depression or dementia. The doctors at Erode government hospital are not willing to divulge the first results of the examination, but seem to express confidence that nothing would happen to Mr.Kannan.

“There is only one famous case of a man wandering into ‘CID Shankar’ in 1970” the medical association president stated “but had no lasting medical damage on him. In fact the man went on to become a successful screen writer for tamil TV mega serials”. Another doctor said “In the worst case, he may be inducted into any TV channel as a comedian anchor for reality shows”.

As of now, Mr.Kannan is not willing to express any of his views either to newspapers or TV channels, so we are assuming that he wants to commit suicide with a note “It’s all because of you THALAIVA”.

Chandramukhi – II: Erandaam Pagudhi

I am at last really happy that I am the first man to have the scripts for the sequel to the block buster Chandramukhi. I am calling it Chandramukhi-II: Erandaam Pagudhi which for the legal records will show as I am the first to write a sequel.

I am daringly proud of this script which was penned without sleeping or eating except for 2 dinner buffets and 35 minutes in total. I feel like it is really a very heavy work. Guess what would have been for the original scripter writers who had taken twice the amount just to plagiarize the Malayalam script.

As you may know, the original movie titled “Chandramukhi” garnered a record 96 awards including: The best motion picture which was screened for 700 weeks without a single viewer, best makeup artist to make the hero look viewable, best motion picture lasting longer than the Bofor’s case, best supporting role for displaying total lunacy on screen, best movie with copied scripts. The one thing which is very clear from this movie is that if the hero was really a doctor as claimed in real life, he would be hanging upside down in his clinic held by his patients.

The phenomenal success of “Chandramukhi: I - the original” as served as a rebuttal to all the critics in the cinema world that one can make blockbuster movies with copied scripts. Hence, I am saying with full confidence that the script writers are the most talented men in history including Shakespeare, Darwin, Edison and all the four Beatles combined. Why I am saying this is that the script writers will pay me a hefty amount for the sequel.

(The movie opens with a bullock cart moving at high speed and lot of thumping sounds in the background. The hero is sleeping with hay on his face)

Savarana: Whew, I am 50 and still can fight 8 fellows 20 years younger than me.
Senthil: I thought you were in Himalayas, how come you are here?
Savarana: The director said he can’t do an entry scene for me in the Himalayas, so had to come down.

Senthil: How did you manage the cold wave there?
Savarana: Fortunately, they had put 50 coats of whiteners through which the cold could not penetrate. By the way who is this?
Ganga: I am ganga remember you saved my life the last time …
Savarana: But ganga was played by Jothika
Ganga: She didn’t want to do another movie with you in the same mental costume. So they looked for a younger female and chose me, I am baby Sandhya.

(The scene shifts to the haunted house)
Murugesan: Do we really need to go inside this house?
Saravana: We have no other option, the eerie sound-track has already began
Murugesan: I hear some spooky sound, do you hear the same?
Savarana: Don’t be silly; what is the chance that they are going to make the same movie plot again?
(There is a loud cluttering sound, the computer animations start with a 50 feet snake and a Stegosaurus coming straight at Savaranan)

(The scene shifts to the family house, all of them are curious as to who the villain is? Saravanan tries to help them)
Villian: Out of my way, I am not prepared to fight another loosing battle with him.
Saravana: No, you have a signed contract and better fight with me else I have to do a duet song shot in Iran with this girl who is twice younger than me.
Villian: For that reason I agree.
Fight goes on and eventually Saravanan (an acclaimed psychiatrist) wins the battle hands down.

The scene shifts to the D-Day, the festival in which Chandramukhi plans to elope with her lover and killing the king Vettiyar.
Saravana: Look through this pin hole and you will understand how bad Ganga dances.
Prahu: (After looking through the window slit) Yenna Kodumai edhu Saravanan
Saravana: Now as per plan let’s spilt and meet at the centre hall after 5 minutes
Senthil: Why 5 minutes? Do you have some kind of a plan?
Saravana: No, That’s how long the climax song runs.

Audience: (Running out of the show)
Director: Why are all of them running?
Audience 1: It’s the song “RA RA” again
Director: Why?? you don’t like it?
Audience 1: Yeah I like it but the music director comes at the end and says “Repeat a” and the song starts again. Once is too many for this song.

They keep a dummy corpse of the king and Ganga avenges her thirst and all are happy. I don’t want to dissect the plot on how Saravanan arrives at the conclusions, for that you have to wait for the release of this movie on the silver screen

Movies in the Bay Area (SFO)

[NOTE: This was the situation during 1999-2000, any resemblance in today's world is purely co-incidental although the plots of the movies still remain the same]

There's a famous quote: "One who breaks a resolution is a monkey and one who makes a resolution is a foolish monkey." Last week, when I saw a new Tamil movie I came to know that 99% per cent of our problems are self-made by going to lousy movies and is not thrust upon by God. So I resolved not to see any more movies until next weekend or Friday whichever comes first.

This week I went (without breaking the resolution) to a movie titled which I can't remember but was the first line of a song that was a hit 4 days back on SUN TV Top 10 chart. Couldn't I ask for a better deal on a Friday evening and having to drive around 25 miles to get there to the theater? Anyway the ride was quiet thrilling since we had broken roughly 168 rules in around 143 countries (but none on Indian road context) to get there on-time.

We reached quiet early considering the fact that the show had already started and we missed the first few slides that shows how a guy should watch a movie properly. Many thought provoking slides would be there such as "Call us - Kiran Patel & Co for any grievances with the LAPD" and "Thanks for not smoking into my Nose" and "Park anywhere except at Seat No.12" and "Meeta PAAN available for chewing and Spitting anywhere in the complex". These are a few that really add a flavour to the movie.

Finding parking slots for the car is so tough that actually we could get a weekend holiday at Martha Vineyard but never a parking slot at any Indian theater complex. Thank god that we don’t have those 1,04,677 instruction given by the parking lot assistants on the angle which we park our cars at Devi theater (In US this area could only hold 20 cars while it holds 4,578 Maruthi 800s). Seating numbers are not there and hence it’s on a First-Come-First-Severed basis. We have never been early because my roommate for whom the famous quote: "Be punctual and get good seats in the theater" is never applicable. We always find ourselves in the first row watching the movies 3.142 (22/7) times bigger than what the last row guy is able to view.

Entering the theater after a 30-min American Gladiator's show for locating a parking slot, the second game begins. The WWF style called the "World-Wide-Fight" for getting a chance to enter the complex on the day the show is screened. It’s not often that you call something as co-incidence when it’s been repeated for 235 times within 45 days. The complex authorities inconspicuously shut all the doors and allow just a small gap through which moviegoers for 5 shows have to get in exactly within 5 minutes time interval. This in mathematical terms relates to CHAOS and in normal terms "Survival of the Fittest". I am always lucky since my friends are really huge and bulky that I flow along with their performance of the "Push the crowd for gap" play.

Since the time of the Neanderthals, man has been trying to find easy ways of locating seats in the theater. Take for example, Locatiuos Impendimentix (the greatest spectator at the coliseum) never in his 25 years experience as a spectator, has found his seat at the first go. It was perhaps for this reason that the English men invented the compass and now with G-Shock watches that carry a compass, we still shall figure out how to remain from getting lost while searching for a seat.

Guess that GOD, just to keep those late comers on their toes always, created the theater seats without numbers. The major agony is in you finding a seat that is exactly at the opposite end of the complex and getting there you find a 2 year old or a 4 feet fellow occupying the seat. Even more agonising is if the occupant is sleeping.

OK, let’s come back to the movie by assuming you follow my method of getting a seat

1. Walk into the center and shout "Asha! Are you there"? An answer yes would come, even if she weren't Asha.
2. Move towards that direction, and tell her that her Grandfather has just called her at the reception.
3. Take the seat and put on the partial amnesia look on the face.

If this method does not work, follow the fail-safe way; go to the first row which for all purpose is free at anytime of the day.

How can one forget not to mention about the chairs in the theater, even though it may be the US of A. An Indian theater has to maintain the same ambiance and authenticity of a local complex. The chairs shall be painstakingly decorated (No, wait for me to complete - not upholstery) with many key scratches with braining chilling phrases such as "I love Lucy" or "I love [Your wife's name] " or "&$*(%))^**$^#" (Roughly translated into English means some un-lady words). Well, any movie that you see in these complexes makes you feel like you are watching "The Hand that Rocked the Cradle". If the person on one of the extremes were to shake their pelvic girdle a little, the whole row moves in the same fashion like a Mexican Wave at the Eden garden cricket ground.

I really don’t want to touch on the story of the movie. You know that its always a Boy meet Girl and boy fall in love with her and in the second half the families don’t agree and finally LOVE wins and the couple lives happily ever after. The only difference is that the characters are changed for every other movie. Although I have tired every bit of what the hero does in the movies but I still haven't found one girl. The only thing that I got was few finger marks on my cheeks.

Let us get back to the finesse points for watching a movie better. In case you do whistle, its better you sit separately since many people come to the movie to actually see it with full attention as though the second world war is rewritten with the Vikings winning over the Nottinghamshire county sheriff. Then, there are those who wished somebody would whistle so that they could vent their anger (due to his wife) at somebody else. Finally, there is only one fellow, probably the guy with whom you came, to accompany you in this act. At this point, I understand you make a very serious decision in your life, whether to whistle at the movie or the guy whose wife was angry the previous hour. My guess which way you would go using my past experiences (of fingers on the cheeks) would be to remain silent.

Albeit, the complex is said to be nicotine free, the songs are the moments when one eases their tension and go out for a drag … Oops sorry that’s in Indian theaters only. Here, they go to a small cabin in which even trying to get a small container of condensed milk is quiet tough, but you have to be there inside to smoke. Nevertheless you can spit anywhere since they showed you a slide in the beginning of the movie.

This vicious circle between the smokers and the producers in the late 1800s produced what in today's terms called "A SONG". It's also mandatory for the producers to keep the song just around 5 min, no more or no less. This was due to the results of some scientific experiments conducted at Pokhran during the nuclear development program.

The second time when you feel that any number more than 2 is called a crowd is found just when the credits for the movie are screened in the end. It’s the same people who stood 45 min at the counter for tickets and see a lousy movie for 2.5 hours and still can't afford to wait for 15 min to let all the people outside without chaos. Since early time, when Romans built the first talkies, it's been like this. This is evident from the fact while looking at one of the stone tabloids in which it states that "Please leave one by one - Last time the death count was MC IV XCI III".

So it's not new for the latest man to do these types of chaos. One small hint, never follow somebody who is twice as big as you since you can't see what peril that is waiting in front of you. There is a very high probability that he may stamp your feet with a leg that weighs the same as those anchors used in SS Titanic.

PS: Don’t stamp on his girl’s feet else you will be embossed with 5 finger imprints on your cheeks.