Chennai To Phase Out Environment by 2020

Just days after the Tamil Nadu government announced that it would be cutting taxes on “Amma Idly” by 2015, the CMDA has announced some ambitious programs to phase out environment altogether by 2020 and this program will start from 2015.

“In addition to cutting of taxes for idly, the Chennai Metro Development Association [CMDA] (Motto: Who care, when we snare) also announced that it would cut down any tree which has been on the side path for more than 40 years with effect from tomorrow”. The CMDA spokesperson has said that they would also be cutting out wasteful and boastful environment to improve more square feet land area for all politicians to invest as SEZ.

While plans to totally annihilate the environment are still being formulated, the general strategy of those in Chennai Corporation is to phase it out gradually so that hardly anyone will notice it’s gone. Apparently they have seemed to exclude marina beach since it houses more statues than parking lots and is politically a bad decision to touch Kannagi statue.

The mayor of the city plans to eliminate all known species of Chennai (including the Mambalam Mosquitos, Anna Nagar stray cats, Saidapet black pigs, Thiruvanmiyur Java IT professionals) and also accelerate the land prices in these areas to touch 5 times that of Tokyo.

In doing so the Mayor also told that they had plans to reduce (gradually) air and water supply to Chennai metropolitan area. When asked how they plan to execute it, the spokesperson from the Mayor’s office quoted: ‘Since 2010, electricity has been successfully eradicated from the state. Did you find it out or vote us out of power in the 2014 General Elections?”

The spokesperson also added “If we had to choose between air and water, we would first choose water. After all, the gulf has been without water for years and haven’t they developed?”

Rahul May Lack Gene for Human Intelligence

A team of reputed genetic scientist have stunned the entire nation (MOTO: The nation needs an answer) today evening by disclosing its results the Rahul Gandhi may lack the gene for normal human intelligence.

This group which has been studying Rahul since the 2014 election campaign have made this startling discovery when they were studying the differences in IQ levels between humans and chimps. One of the leading scientists has quoted “We have found in his blood samples extremely high levels of Potassium which directly indicates a banana-rich diet which is rarely found in human inhabiting the Janpath road.”

 

Prompted by this clue, the group of scientist have probed much further in the DNA and found “No substantial evidence” of human intelligence. In fact they only found traces to suggest that the sample’s IQ could at most be of that of rotten cabbage.

 

From the congress party office, their spokesperson have no comments and are currently trying to blame the Rahul’s bananas are coming from the Gujarat region which may be the cause. However, the BJP have questioned this claim and have decided to boycott the next parliamentary session all together.

 

In defence of the findings, the scientist group have claimed that in their experiments they have taught a female baboon to say things such as “Women empowerment”, “RTI”, “One Minute Arnab” as their vocabulary. So they say this should not be confused with actual human speech.

 

In a related research done in Karnataka, scientist say that they have found that Dig Vijay Singh has an abnormal double-gene for human speech and this explains why it is virtually impossible to get him to shut-up. Some of the research group are also claiming that Arvind Kejriwal may have a curled gene which makes him autocratic on any matter.

 

While we are all shocked and awed by this revelation, we find that this gene is also very prominent with the Bollywood film fraternity writers, which may explain the reason for such sloppy script writings.

While on this note, let me finish my last piece of Mexican platano.

CBI Orders Hugh Quantity Of “Post-It” Notes

In what is described as a “crucial” development towards upgrading the CBI’s intelligence arm, the director paid a visit to LandMark bookshop and bought substantial quantities of yellow post-it message pads.

The agency, which has never had access to such messaging before, believes that the introduction of these pads will dramatically improve the relaying of important messages across the organisation and also improves the in-field officers communication back to the department centres.

The director while speaking at the press conference today in Delhi said that this purchase will also help the sharing of the information to many premier news channels in an easy manner. It was learnt that the agency had to deploy 3-4 data operators mainly to SMS important messages to political parties and new agencies. Now with this purchase, it  has eased the agency by downsizing these data operators and some field officers for non-performance issues.

The director also expressed a reaction similar to “intrigued” when he said that he had seen a device which can record voice and store them and later transfer it directly into the computer as MP3 data file. Also it came with free USB Web-cam. The director is currently writing a letter to the PM for granting permission to procure this device for the agencies betterment.

While the director is pronouncing the trip to LandMark as a success story, many whistle-blowers revealed that they had urged the agency to invest in these USB devices as early as in 2003. One of the agency field officer quotes (in anonymity) “I then tried to write a memo about this stick pads, but there were no pens or paper around in the office. They were all locked up in the cup-board of the divisional head’s room.”

Now after this report the opposition is demanding an internal CBI enquiry into the missing pens and paper from the divisional officer’s cupboard. While this is not so serious complaint, the aam admi is surely to believe this since the PMO has reported that it has lost important files regarding the coal allocation.

Top 1% Wealthiest Indians Praise P.Chidambaram’s Economic Policy

Congress President Sonia Gandhi’s recent dream project – “The Wiping out of India’s treasury” was recently tabled in the parliament which is working only 47 minutes per week thanks to all the adjournments. This recent economic policy of taxing imported LED TVs has been slammed by the top 1% healthiest community in India as “The DLF maximum group”.

“When we first heard about this policy, we were all in a shock. It is really too bad to be true” said Mr.Anil Ambani (current spokesperson for this group). “But when the butler read the whole bill to us during the cocktail party, we were all stunned and shell shocked.” 

The thirteen-nine plus aristocrats who form the core group plus the ministers were all attending the annual meet at Leela place, Delhi when this news started to trickle in. Mr. Mukush Ambani and Kapil Sibil were also present when the news came in. Many of the group members have a feeling that this measure which would bring great displeasure to the elite group.

Mr. Anil Ambani quoted “I like to request Sonaiji to reconsider this landmark measure. Imagine the current situation where it is very tough for people like me to make my ends meet with this current inflation and legislations and with increased taxes.” Many of the group members expressed their anguish since they cannot maintain their dozen European villas, stable after stable filled with Arabian horses, the fleet of private jets and Swiss bank accounts all in one with the current dividends from their share holdings.

Mr.Kapil Sibil has also indicated that there would be more tax increases so that the wealthy group may start coughing up more money and thereby improve the current CDA situation. However, the Reliance group head differed from the indication saying that the wealthy group have become wealthy only by not spending during crisis situation and fleecing the end customers at required times.

As far as the Aam Admi is concerned, they are expecting more taxes on onions, breathing air, sleep. So let us all be prepared for 2014 by trying not to vote for anyone who has a bank balance of Rs.5,00,00,000 and wants to tax even toilet flushes.

Govt. Issues The List of 5001 Bad Things That May Happen Someday Somewhere

Stung by recent criticism on the number of terrorist attacks on the Indian soil, the Government has finally decided to act on its part. The central government today released an alphabetically sort list of “5001 Bad things” that may happen somewhere in the 26 states (no wait 27 states or it is 32? The government is still confused) on someday tomorrow, next month, next year or this Christmas holidays whichever comes earlier.

 This book is the scariest document after the government’s reply in the 2G scam. It has so called accurate list of probable events that may happen with expert comments by the former CBI director. This book is also planned for release in DVD and audio book format.

The DVD has expert’s comments and audio commentary delivered by the union finance minister and the current law minister. The uncut data is available in special edition which needs to be booked from Flipkart.com. The uncut scenes are exclusive coverage of how the investigating agency field reporters get permission to prepare the content from the proxy-prime minister.

According to the grey market sources, the DVD has already been copied and uploaded on torrent sites. The CB-CID division of vigilance is actively looking into this matter, and they fear that this leak must have been from one of the LeT sleeper cells. [Source: Vijay’s Thuppaki movie]

Some of the probable events include bombing in crowded areas across Mumbai by the LeT, infiltration across the LoC, flash floods in the upper Ganges region. The government is also concerned that these events may occur even as you read and hence have beefed up security measures to all parliamentarians.

One cannot imagine a working parliament without these 540 elected despots, without them India would actually work and progress. The army is also put on high alert since they have not had any actual field work since Kargil.

Some of the majors feel that some events may happen according to the books and they are terrified. One such reported event in the book is Adharsh housing society will go physically missing just as the files went last year, so army needs to be alert.

Well, I cannot wait to lay my hands on this book, so I am off to [I can’t type blacklisted Torrent sites here] site for downloading – Hence signing off now.

Our Governments Report Card - A Birds Eye View

Statutory Warning: Any name or event appearing in this blog is purely based on fictional new items and television shows. If there are any resemblances it is purely coincidental.

I have been watching the special programs for a long time (since May 1981) and now I feel like I need to be a part of this event rather than simply watching it. I am here alluring to the KPA-II (Kangress Party Alliance) report card. I guess that every television channel network now has a total working creativity capacity of a deranged mutant cabbage.

Reality television is a genre of programmes that is supposed to present unscripted dramatic or humourous programs but in reality it doesn’t. They have started covering the achievements of the government of India in the last one year. I know that you will be rolling out in the ground over but this is not a reality show but an out and out humourous show.

Let us loot – opss sorry for the typo. The moment I say government even the keyboard seems to know that LOOT is what comes to our mind. Anyway back to the topic, let us look at the contestants and see how they have fared.

The Hero – Prime minister: Dr. Madam’s Maid Servant (MMS) who is a very soft and non-politician guy but have the most important attribute to be the head, a perfect puppet.

The Heroin – Party President: Ms.Gonia Shandhi who is an aggressive and dimwitted person with loads of cash and network across the globe. She is the person right enough to pull the strings of our Hero.

The 2nd Heroin – Kayawati: A power centre who always is welcomed with a garland worth Rs.13 lakhs. She wants to have herself pulling the strings of the PM or possibly wants to play the Hero’s role herself.

The Financier: Mr.Mranab Pukerjee: Here is a man capable of running the entire fiscal dealing of the country, the only things is he confuses himself between credit & debit column in his budget. Foreseeing this small mistake, he is THE man to run our economy from WORSE to WORST.

The Security Officer: Mr.C.Phidambaram – A man who has lost a creamy portfolio and landed in a minefield. His soul duty is to make statements on improving our homeland security while a bomb goes off next to his meeting place. The threat to this bomb had been given to him via different mediums such as e-mails, SMS, courier, in-person delivery and official broadcast also.

The Communication Expert: Mr.R.Aaja – the person who has a total brain working capacity of dialing 100 for fire emergencies but was reluctantly put on a job to handle communication policies. He is a very shy person, infact sees his own wife behind the kitchen doors and needs his grandfather’s help in bailing him out of controversies.

The Educationalist – Mr. Sapil Kibil – the person who wants to implement what every kid dreams off – school days without exams. He wants to make sure that none of the student is unhappy and abolish all kinds of unwanted elements from the present schooling system such as exams, grades, teachers, moral science subjects et all.

The High Flier – Mr.Kraful Matel – a person who is apt for a high flying portfolio. There are no worries for him by his portfolio flagship concern making loss after loss every year since he earns his lions share from the lucrative IPL league.

The Trainer – Ms. Bamtha Mannerjee – a hardcore fanatic of something which I have no clue about, but am certain that she is a fanatic of something. Her high pitched shrill voice and absolute non-constructive ideas make her as a joker in the pack of cards. She is pretty much training herself to come back to power in her own state – which is Bengal and is in a pretty bad state too.

The Rightful Owner to the Throne – Mr. Gahul Rhandhi, a young energetic boy who thinks that drinking chai with locals and travelling in second class (Not to be mistaken with cattle class, since this is not tweeter) will earn him more trust as an Aam Adhmi Netha. The point to note is that he always wears Armani, Nike and Rolex but prefers chai in mud tumblers. His dream is to over throw the current hero (the puppet) and take the cake and eat it too all by himself.

The Law maker – Mr. Meerappa Voily – a loyalist to the party president and acts only on her directions. He is very strict that he will only abide by the party presidents word. Not much of powers are entrusted to him. Hence he is still pondering to take a decision to hang a confirmed pickpocket named Vasab.

The Culinary Man – Mr. Pharad Sawar, a man in charge of producing food grains for the entire nation but he doesn’t have time to overlook it since he has to run the ICC as a chairman. He has to see that India wins at least one world cup when he is with ICC while many farmers die due to lack of policies from his portfolio.

The Personnel department – Mr. K.S.Mrishna – who is not much of a person to talk about but has a deputy who has lots to talk on, Mr. Thashi Sharoor. His deputy is always seen in tweeter making comments which are very complimentary to his party’s governance.

The Villains – you cannot have a show that has no villans, we are not making a Disney Cartoon movie for kids. So the villains are in the form of JBP, Left, Right, Yulayam Madav, Sulayam Mingh, Sarjun Aingh, Bamitab Aachan etc. These guys currently have no scope in the story until 2014 when the next general elections are due.

So if you can imagine a reality show with all these contestants what would you have – a ball of a time, much better than Parliamentary Session.

News Coverage: As it comes

I have never felt like this before – yes I want to stop watching the news channel. I think I had enough of humour episodes till now. This was not how it was back in the olden days (November 1986). Long before the age of cable television, NEWS in India was controlled by the First Fundamental Rights in the constitution which states that “Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s wife” … wait that is from another list, anyway the fundamental rights in our constitution really said something about how to furnish NEWS to an avid TV viewer.

Back in the days of Black and White TV sets the news was controlled by the ruling party in the government. Hence the news which was aired daily was of no use to anyone expect 3 people namely the PMO office, the DD broadcaster and the new reader’s husband. No one cared for any news item except for the last 10 minutes which showed sports and entertainment. Even the weather report for sometime was controlled by the government, it was such a monotony during that time. Then the cable television came which broke the monotony with brand new ideas such as commercials within the news programmer and colour news readers who had a total reading capacity of a deranged turnip.

The television channels for a long time had a set stereotyped format for the news program. This format used to be supplied by the ruling party and gave importance to enhance the image of the government. No real news used to come, even if they came, the television viewer would have received the same news via his/her servant or car driver’s network. 9 out of 10 times, this network news was found to be more accurate than the TV relayed news items.

One needs to introspect on whether we need to view news items such as “State Minister for Law opens a new Bank in a rural area and advices the folks to invest properly and follow traffic rules”. Such news coverage led to the eventual fall of the news program from the producer’s wish list. The TRP rating for these came down drastically till a point where it was regarded that NEWS program was aimed at viewers who had an average IQ of 18 and could differentiate between a Cow and a Bull only if there were 3 help lines available [Most of them choose the 50/50].

In the due course of time, the regional political parties found that the TV was the best medium for communicating to the masses and started using them. The parties found that most of the people were hooked on to these soap operas and hence they started to place their party news just before and after these popular shows. Now these political parties found that there were very few shows and hence started a channel for each so that they need not compete for time slots. This led to the forming of a separate news channel for each party. Today we have a set ground rule that to start a party; you need to have criminal cases against you in the Supreme Court and should have a TV channel solely to air good messages about you.

So in today’s world, if you need to know the exact news you may have to see news in 3 different channels. First we see the ruling parties channel, then flip to the opposition parties channel and then to the allies channel to get the actual reality of the news item. While flipping through, you get a good mix of humour, exercise for your fingers, increase the knowledge on your surroundings.

I practice this exercise solely to vent all my frustrations that I face throughout the day in office and traffic, it really makes me feel relaxed before I gain anger when I find my wife switching the channel back to the soap opera where the protagonist is a humble female whose husband is currently enjoying an extra-marital affair with a female who is divorced twice and is being searched by a gang of drug dealers while the protagonist friend is a very straight police officer who is working under a corrupt official who is the ex-husband of the drug pedaling female. I found this just by watching 3 minutes of the show and all my brain cells revolted to work beyond this if I don’t get to watch a comedy show (ie. News at Nine)

For the benefit of those who do not watch the regional TV news, I will answer some of your thought provoking questions.

Q. What is the use of seeing this NEWS program?
A. It is a good tool for time pass and playing pranks of your friends in office.

Q. Where will these channels get this news items?
A. They hire special writers whose only job is to frame news headlines.

Q. Is there a way to get the real news?
A. Yes, Only a pittance – by asking your servants some drilling questions.

Q. How much do I drill?
A. Depends on your wife’s tolerance level.

Q. But isn't that ethically bad?
A. Shut up.

Q. The papers say there are news items are all a fake?
A. Those are only headlines in papers for them to market. Don’t get fooled by that.

Q. OK, So what is good and bad for me in watching news channel?
A. The good news is that you end up getting relaxed by watching the news and the bad news is that your IQ reduces itself every 3 seconds.

Enough about this – “Oh My god, this can’t be true!!! – They are letting Modi off the hook” – that’s the NEWS for today.

Viruses Of India Today

Every now and then your computer system may behave in a very strange way. This is due to a software program called “VIRUS” which causes the system to behave in an unusual way. There are many available scanners to remove them and software’s to protect the user from viruses entering your system.

Today I am going to list a few of the most famous viruses which have caught the Indian system and have categorised them into being old or new based on the timelines of their existence.

We start with the new or latest viruses that are found in India currently:

L.K. Advani Virus:

This virus pops up every now and then with messages praising yesteryear Pakistani leaders, and the only way you can continue working is by typing Jai Shri Ram 108 times. A complete removal is possible by performing a full rath yathra using flash.

K.P.S. Gill Virus:

Only ladies need to worry about this virus.Every now and then the users get a whack, you know where.

Deve Gowda Virus:

Mostly this virus is found to be sleeping and does no harm. It does no harm to applications that have the keywords farmer or dalits, to the remaining it created havoc by scheduling them at in appropriate times.

Kumaraswamy Virus:
The main characteristic of this virus is that it tries to take control of the machine by making an arrangement with the other process such that it uses 50% of the time slot and give the remaining to the others. Once the virus has used its 50% of share, the virus backs out of the agreement.

Jayalalitha Virus:

This actually is a family of viruses. Each member of this virus family grab as much of hard disk space as possible, while the main virus is totally unaware of it. When everything stops working, this virus blames the user for the whole chaos. It also sends random emails praising the viruses and its achievements.

Laloo Yadav virus:

A dangerous virus, gulps all the resources as well as it corrupts the data. If you try to use scanner when the system is hibernating, it will rename its signature with another deadly virus of the same family (AKA Rabdri Virus). This virus takes help from other viruses to avoid scanning at any time.

Mulayam Virus:

Whatever way, it will try to grab resources of the system; its only task is to abort the BJP processes. This virus hangs the system by sending conflicting signals to different hardware units.

Sonia Gandhi Virus:

Once a part of most deadly virus family of the world. No scanner can detect now, how much damage it can cause to the system, but people used the Bofors scanner for temporary protection. The cleaner for this virus would be available only during the next general elections, until then it has the complete control of the network.

Manmohan Singh Virus:
This virus always plays a second fiddle to the Sonai virus. It has no powers on its own, but will be executing harmful things that Sonia virus wants to. Also the level of execution of this virus is very low is often called a “Week Virus” by the opposition viruses. The main strength of this virus used to be finance but know has been reduced to an administrative virus to front-end the Sonai virus.

Left Virus:
The main aim of this virus is to stop any resource from accessing data from the US or western world. It tries to block the Internet Explorer from loading western data. In case if the system tries to load, it halts the complete execution of the machine. The preferred colour of this virus is RED and turns the screen into a RED one upon taking control.

Varun Ghandhi Virus:
This virus is a very fire-brand one which sometimes makes remarks which are very powerful and against the system. Often it gets itself caught by scanners such as NSA and is put into a virus vault for weeks before letting it free again. This virus comes only once in 5 years or whenever there are elections in UP.

Maya Virus:

It's also called the Dalit virus, it destabilizes the co-ordination amongst different resources, It controls & steps the low priority resources from functioning. Other viruses are thriving by splitting this virus. Lot of scanners available now to kill this virus using the principle of garlanding Maya with Rs.1000 notes or building a memorial park.

Sania Virus:

It's also called the Second round exit virus, it destabilizes the input and output peripherals such that the system comes to a crashing halt at the second level of execution. It does not go beyond the second instruction that the user furnishes. The user interface of this virus is stunning but its working style is very mediocre.

Shashi Tharoor Virus:
This is a very complicated virus to understand since its communication model uses twits. Often it sends out misinterpreted data from the user’s mailbox. For instance: if the user is asking his concern to book a ticket in first class, it would send a message as “Book a ticket for me in cattle class” and gets the user into trouble. The way to avoid this virus is to keep the system without options for twitter, FaceBook etc.

Harbajan Virus:
This virus claims to have a deadly attack but fails to impress when actually attacked. It basically tries to slap the user or tries to call the user as “M***ey” or “D***ey”. This virus performs exceedingly well if the user is an Australian. The only way to clean this virus is to shutdown the system for 2 days so that the virus cannot to access the system data.

Aishswarya Bachan Virus:
This virus falls under the genre of Bachan viruses. The main aim of this virus is to keep the system’s graphical display with the same emotion (like a log) when there is a critical error, a fault, a successful transaction. However, based on the amount of money exchanged in a transaction this virus changes its emotions. The only way to erase this virus is to communicate the age of the virus to itself and it will self-destruct.

Vijayakanth Virus:
This is known as the captain of all viruses. It usually takes complete control of the system and then generates a report of how many processes are Trojans, how many were captured, how many are still under scanning, what percentage of Trojans are dangerous. The virus uses electric signals from the computer power supply to eliminate the Trojans from the hard drive. This virus is not a serious one, but tries to kill the user with unwanted reports.

Older Viruses:

P.V. Narasimha Rao Virus:

First of all, this virus reduces the CPU speed to 66Hz. Before executing any instruction, it deliberates over it a number of times and finally does nothing.

V.P. Singh Virus:

This virus reserves a quota for each instruction, and executes them only according to the quota. Needless to say, the least used instructions have a higher quota than the more used instructions. This virus is favored the Mandal Commision report as a working style which lead to its own demise.

Sukh Ram Virus:

This virus first swallows 10% of the bits in each instruction and then executes them.

Maneka Gandhi Virus:

This is a green virus. It allows executing programmes that were written either by vegetarians or animal lovers.

Phoolan Devi Virus:

This virus hijacks all high priority processes and generates page faults for them. At times, this virus may also celebrate the CPU*s birthday.

I.K.Gujral Virus:

Before executing any instruction, this virus tries to get the approval of 18 other viruses and most of the time, one of the viruses blocks the voting. So the Gujral virus does not execute anything. While it is not doing anything, as it is always, this virus connects to the Internet and keeps sending data to all major/minor countries in the World except India w/o receiving the replies.

Veerappan virus:

This virus plays hide and seek. It captures some famous or celebrity resources and releases them after a quarantine time of 100 days. It sometimes seems to be eradicated but suddenly reappears. Only a few scanners like “Natkiran” or “LTTE” have access to this virus database.